Road to Perfection: Day 33 -

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HateCrew

Guest
Hello, as everyone else in this forum, I am fighting PMO.

This isn't the first time I'm doing this. I managed to stop masturbating for about 10 days and unfortunately, last night, I gave into the temptation, lost the round and it was Game Over. However, I've learned something very valuable during the fist fight. During my days of porn and masturbation free, I realized how much energy I had and how happy I was. I was in a better shape than usual. I work 40 hours per week and lately I'm been doing extra. To my surprise, I didn't feel as exhausted as before.

I have a woman in my life who currently means the whole damn world to me and she is actually helping me out, despite my soldier going limb a few times and I love her to death for her patience and support. Therefore, she is a great source of motivation for me to actually reach my "Perfect Form" if I allow myself to use Dragon Ball Z terms and add some humour in this.

But anyway, I am here, I admit my addiction, I want to get rid of it and to actually stop masturbating. I am not used to making journal entries, but there is a first for everything. I am 24, working out regularly, eating well and I want to reach my fullest potential. I've had a little taste of how I would be without PMO and I loved it. I want to grasp it and never let go.

To victory!
 
Taka

Taka

Member
Hello and welcome to the Nation. I hesitated at first about this whole journal thing but it can actually be very helpful. I have also found an accountability partner here because you know guys here mean it and want to make it to the end. It helped me reach another 40 days mark and I will keep going this time :) I will look forward to your Dragon Ball references :D
 
H

HateCrew

Guest
Thank you Taka!

==

So, I've been working pretty much all day from 9am to 6pm. I've been feeling like the hours of work have been suddenly affecting me today. I did 56 hours last week and i'm on my 13th day without a day off. I suddenly felt exhausted, but I forced myself to get myself to the gym and work out after a few games of Street Fighter 4.
I saw two college friends there and I had fun. Upon arriving home, I talked to my girlfriend on the phone for more than an hour and we had a very pleasant conversation about our relationship and our future.

The more and more I go through this recovery, the more I want to be freed from the addiction, become my true self and truly please my woman. One thing that I have noticed is that way before, I used to watch porn and masturbate perhaps 1, 2 or even 3 times a night and every time I felt so disgusted about myself. Right now and even before I decided to start this journey, I used to masturbate... perhaps 3-4 times a week. It seems like i've been unconsciously in this journey for so long and SLOWLY trying to recover, but I needed to realize how bad pornography can be for me when I was staying limb in front of my girlfriend. I feel as if that was the wake-up call that I needed to actually push myself even further from getting rid of this disease in my head. I'm just glad that I know what my problem is right now.

To sum my day off, I felt very happy. Tired, but still smiling and I had a minuscule desire to watch a porno, nearly significant. Tomorrow I'm working from 8am to 1pm and spending time with family after. I might see my girl later in the evening, but we'll see. Seems like we have a busy schedule. I might just stay home, play some video games, start reading a book or draw. I have some good options...
 
H

HateCrew

Guest
Worked again, spent some time with the family and I got myself 2 new games for a cheap price.
Then I watched the hockey game with a friend of mine and the Canadians won! Yes! Then I went to bed with my laptop...

I noticed that my mind lingers off frequently whenever I am on my laptop in bed. I had thoughts running through my mind and I was indeed getting hard, but I didn't stroke as much. Just a few seconds here and there. Obviously enough I was already feeling uncomfortable while doing it and I eventually took the moment to close my eyes, breathe in slowly and exhale just to relax myself. I'm glad that I didn't search for porn, but I had some brief scenarios running through my mind. I can't really tell if that counts or not.

After that, I read the new Iron Fist: The Living Weapon #2 issue and went down here to write about what I went through.

One thing I will do is to put my laptop away from my bed whenever I go sleep.
 
H

HateCrew

Guest
I've been reading a few articles and one thing I've seen popping us is video games. Do they actually influence my ED?
I mostly play online competitively, or just play casually like an RPG... I even play co-op with my girlfriend whenever we are together.
 
H

HateCrew

Guest
I woke up real early today, since a member of my family was going through surgery and I wanted to wake up before she left.
Went back to bed, woke up, brought my brother to school and stayed in bed while watching videos on the side-effects of porn towards the brain.
I was thinking about my girlfriend and I was getting hard, but didn't do much about it since I'm trying to stop masturbating... Then I played some Street Fighter until my woman texted me to come over.

Saw my girl, played some Resident Evil 6 co-op, I died so many times because she didn't help me at the right moment but we had fun anyway. It's been awhile since we had moments like that and we were closing into one another as we played. We discussed a bit more about my problem and how I am working hard on solving it. Then we watched some TV and she fell asleep on my lap. She asked later during the day when was the next time I'd come over so we could see if I am actually improving through sex, but I'll be quite busy during the next days. I'm willing to test it out and I want to see how I am presently, but at the same time I am sorta scared for failure. I think the best thing that I can do is to relax, focus on my beautiful girlfriend and not think of any scenarios in my head or yell at myself mentally for not being able to erect. It's just a test. My girl is supporting me and I love her.

I cooked for tomorrow, played a bit of video games in order to keep me busy and now I'm ready to knock out. In overall, I had a pretty damn good day.
 
H

HateCrew

Guest
Didn't think about porn last night nor today. Yesterday I was with my girlfriend and had sex a couple of times. My only complaint is that my erection could have gotten a little bit bigger and last for longer. I still managed to pleasure her and we both enjoyed it, but I know that there is a lot of room for improvement. I was much more confident and determined to pleasure her. I didn't fantasize. I focused on her touch against my body and on her whole self. I'm liking the progress I'm going through.

She even told me that I shouldn't feel pressured whenever we do it. That really helped me out hearing that from her.

Today I worked all day and I was hella tired. The working shifts are getting heavy on me...


Now I have Dragon Ball Z in my mind and wished that the Hyperbolic Time Chamber existed. Recover there for a full year in another dimension and in reality it would count for 24 hours. You come back out of the dimension new, improved and stronger... if you know what I mean haha.
 
H

HateCrew

Guest
Once more I had a long day. I picked up my mom from the hospital at 6am and I had to work at 8. I didn't sleep much so all day I've been feeling tired. Once I got back home I took a big nap and then played a bit on my console.

Nothing huge happened today. No urges, no fantasies... feels like a walk in the park. I'm at my 7th day without masturbation and I'm proud of myself.
 
H

HateCrew

Guest
I woke up this morning and I looked at myself in the mirror. For some reason I noticed some sort of glow on my face. I looked very nice. Maybe it's because I've been working out regularly and eating healthy, or all of this no PMO for 9 days straight is actually doing something with myself. For the last few days I will have to admit that I have been feeling bummed out, almost like I was near some kind of depression. One night after leaving my girlfriend's house, a pair of girls in their car began talking to me and asked me why I looked so sad. I simply answered because I had a terribly long day and they responded back saying that I should smile. I actually did and told me that I had a beautiful smile.

Not gonna lie, but that boosted up my self-esteem and I didn't feel as down as before that night. I found it funny that it had to happen when I was feeling down. Even at work I have some clients looking at me with a smile. I've been feeling happy.

Once more, no porn and my girlfriend is actually helping me out tremendously. I love my woman. I'm too busy thinking about stuff to do and I don't have the urges to search up for some porn. One thing though, I still have those fetishes that come to my mind sometimes. I should actually share my fetishes with my girlfriend. Not too good bottling things up.
 
H

HateCrew

Guest
Same usual stuff. Wake up, go work out. I prepared some chicken soup for the family and my girlfriend. The latter is sick, so I brought her a big bowl so she can get better.

Tonight I had a little urge of masturbating, but what I did was talk about the negative effects of porn with someone who watches it. It made me rethink of all of the bad things that porn brings you, so that helped.

I have this itch though... I was taking my shower and I felt my penis being very sensitive and it looked lifeless. I didn't feel alarmed since it's probably a procedure I have to go through in order to attain recovery.

Anyway, on to the next day. This is actually my longest time without any PMO.
 
Taka

Taka

Member
Good going HateCrew. Learn to fight the urges because they will fade but also streghten at the same time. What I mean is that urges will occur less but they will be more powerful. At least that is what I am observing on myself. I want to make it to day 60 and it is so close but so far away. Do not let the progress fool you, relapse may come easy
 
H

HateCrew

Guest
Taka said:
Good going HateCrew. Learn to fight the urges because they will fade but also streghten at the same time. What I mean is that urges will occur less but they will be more powerful. At least that is what I am observing on myself. I want to make it to day 60 and it is so close but so far away. Do not let the progress fool you, relapse may come easy
Click to expand...

I really wouldn't be surprised if the urges came back as strong as ever. I'd bet that all addictions go through that stage when you're trying to quit... and the urges come to haunt me when I'm idle on my computer and my mind lingers off. It's the reason why I leave the laptop away from my bed.

Thanks for the heads-up Taka.
 
H

HateCrew

Guest
The usual, worked again, did a 12 hour shift and been feeling exhausted. Now I am watching a new series on Netflix.

I had a talk with someone, made me think a lot and we had an agreement on the changes that we were gonna establish. It's unfortunate, but I am happy that we talked.

Once more, no urges. Even when I have dirty thoughts it only lasts for a few seconds and dies off.
 
H

HateCrew

Guest
Last night I went through something real big. I don't know how to call it, but I had to go out at a secluded area and scream to myself. My problem is immense and I just had to let it out by screaming at the top of my lungs. It felt like a breakdown. I went to see my girl at around 3am, I pleasured her, but when it came to me moving forward in our act, nothing happened. I truly felt like shit and I had to just let it out.

After that rage moment, I calmed down, took a good moment to breathe and told myself that I really am trying to make a change. I needed one big wake-up call and it was probably one of the most horrible i've gotten through yet.

I feel stressed, constantly working, no time to myself. All I do is wake up, shower, eat and go to work. I really can't do anything else for now.

I can't wait to start University again. I want to see new people, learn something new. I want to break away from this samsara (In Buddhism, samsara is the world of suffering. It's a constant cycle that never changes and Buddhism is all about breaking it).


I got my pay check, I think I'll go out and get myself this book that tells the story of the many different Gods and Goddesses within different cultures. I need to free my mind.
 
H

HateCrew

Guest
Lately I've been going through a lot of realization and this goes beyond PMO. I'm actually too preoccupied to find myself and I don't feel scared of falling into porn.

I did install an app just incase I find myself looking for porn. Tried it, works like a charm. I know porn will haunt me some day or another, so I'm arming myself.

I bought two new books of Joseph Campbell: The Hero's Journey and Goddesses - Mysteries of the Feminine Divine. Those will keep me occupied.
 
H

HateCrew

Guest
I've been going out a bit more, seeing friends and family and I had fun. Next week I'll finally have my 3 days off per week since we'll be hiring other people, so my long hours of constant working will be over. It's a good thing, because I've been feeling like i've been lazy at work. I barely have any time to recover.

Just a bit of extra info, me and my girlfriend are pretty much no more. We still talk, but it's extremely complicated. There is still drama going on between us.

Lately I've been feeling that my penis is getting real sensitive and Jesus Christ, just by touching it while erect I know that I will climax real fast if I decide to masturbate.

With all of that, I didn't use any porn. It feels like going on the net and looking up for that is the last thing I'd do now.
 
H

HateCrew

Guest
Hard to believe that I am already at 24 days without PMO... but tonight, I almost slipped.

I will admit. I viewed some porn tonight, masturbated a bit, but I didn't went all the way. I woke up this morning which a huge urge of having sex. Last week I went to a friend's house, we got all cuddly and it led up to me getting an erection. We were teasing each other and I still remained hard. She gave me a blow job, but I orgasmed really fast. I was sensitive as hell



Back to me viewing porn, I was indeed getting erect, but after browsing through the countless images, I grew bored and my erection soon died out. I had many thoughts about how bad porn was to me and it felt like some kind of automatic turn off. Honestly, I really wanted to be with a woman tonight and I shut down the computer. I took a cold shower just to cool myself off. I came back though, because I wanted to share this with all of you.

I had a moment of weakness, but I came back and pulled myself away. As much as it is easy to masturbate and climax while viewing porn, I kept in mind all of my bad experiences because of porn and used it as my weapon. It worked. Now I honestly felt like I cheated with my PMO goal, but I am still glad that I had some control over myself and it's a BIG improvement for my well-being. Right now what I want is to be with a woman and porn CANNOT be a substitute.

Today I found some useful tips about accelerating the rebooting process and it involves meditation.

https://yogainternational.com/article/view/a-beginners-guide-to-mula-bandha-root-lock
http://www.yogaforums.com/forums/f37/the-secrets-and-science-of-mula-bhanda-7673.html
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/tools-meditation
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/using-meditation-reverse-ed

It has some Buddhist elements and I studied Buddhism at University, so I can easily understand what the articles say.

I will try this out starting tomorrow and see if there are any improvements.
 
A

Anders

Active Member
The high sensitivity you have is really great. I miss the days when I was 14 and the last 10 minutes on the school bus were spent with my backpack on my lap trying to calm the raging erection before I had to get up!
 
H

HateCrew

Guest
I do wonder if it's a good thing.

I felt desensitized when I was with my ex and while viewing porn. Now I'm beyond sensitive. The woman I was with didn't approach me about how sensitive I was, because I did tell her that I went 18 days without any porn or masturbation. She must have understood why I orgasmed so fast.
 
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