Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P

[kk99]

Shit. Today was rough...

I jerked off twice this morning. Woke up hungover, feeling like shit about getting 'rejected' by my friend I wanted to hook up with. And yeah. Felt like I failed all day.  It is what it is. One slipup. Still no porn. And I just went the longest I've ever gone without MO.

Feeling a bit depressed, because I was doing so good. Anyhow. I must continue on and have faith in myself. The fear of not ever having a normal sex life is real and scary. And it's been big throughout today. But really, I've been so confident this is working, making a drastic improvement in the quality of my life and believing in the process, I won't let one hungover morning fuck it up. But take this as information of how shitty I feel, and how great I've felt for the past few weeks.

It never ceases to amaze me how therapuetic writing is for me.

 

[Spanishguy]

Hey KK99,

I?m almost in your same situation. I had been 22 days without PMO...until yesterday...I didi it three times...I am so ashamed.
I stopped watching porn or anything, I deleted grindr and all that stuff...but my main distraction is at the same time my main trigger...THE GYM. I don?t want to stop going to the gym..but in these three weeks I have realized that watching guys there makes me want to watch porn or pictures.

So...just be strong friend. I think that what really matters in this situation is to do things naturally...try to enjoy sex with other people and with ourselves but feeling our body and not watching anything.

Good luck!

 

[kk99]

Hey. Thanks so much for reaching out and responding. And it's nice to know there's other gay dudes on here, not that it matters so much, as we're all healing. But still, our situation is a bit unique in some regards.

I totally feel you and beating yourself up for fucking up for a moment.

I must say, I've really turned it around today. Shit happens, and going a long time without porn, MO, etc etc and getting rid of grindr (which was a HUGE game changer for me because I realized that was essentially porn at my fingertips in the name of finding connection and porn like sexual meetups) is still some serious progress. And not worth throwing away because of one bad day.

The work in slipping up, is to use it as valuable information for how shitty we feel afterwards, in comparison to how much energy, confidence, and optimism, I've been feeling during my successful stretches of this reboot.

The main thing is not to watch porn, no matter what. I feel strong that it's been over two months...And while the MO has been periodic, I've gone longer than ever before and am still committed to going for 90 days.

What I'm wondering now, as time goes on, is how will I know I am ready for sex? Anyone else have insight and experience on those first interactions after a reboot/how'd you know if you were ready, we're you freakin out about failure and ED. There is definitely fear that creeps up about sex again. I've been mostly staying on that optimism train of believing in this process, but fuck it seems to move slowly!

 

[kk99]

Oh, and your experience with the gym, I totally relate to...And have been wondering about that.

I'd say rather than that turning you on to watch porn, see if it can turn you on in real life. That's what we want.  To get hard with real life people, not computer screens (without being a creep of course). Yes, my gym is full of hot guys too, but it's motivation to feel confident enough to have sex with them

 

[Spanishguy]

If by ready to have sex you mean having and maintaining an erection...you will never know. I guess you have to try with someone you feel confident. I am seeing someone and we have been having sex for the last months...I really like him but I can?t tell him about my problem (PIED) I don?t want him to see me as a kind of porn obssessed or pervert...there are days when I can keep my erection if I stimulate myself constantly...but I can?t perform and he asked me once why my penis was soft. It was embarrasing...but other days went better.

So I don?t know...maybe if you feel horny, instead of MO, you could try to meet somenone and try. But I would wait at least three months.

I am angry today because I had a relapse on saturday and I did it again yesterday and today...I feel stupid...like a child who can?t avoid to touch his dick.

And yes, it?s good to know there are gay guys here...we are all men but our triggers and the places we visit are different.

 

[kk99]

Rather than feeling bad, don't do it again tomorrow. Commit to it. And be nice to yourself. Seriously, it's all we can do. I realize beating myself up when I fuck up is actually useless and a waste of energy.

3 full days after I jerked off a few times and felt bad about it for a minute, I am totally back on track and as committed to this as ever. Working out a ton and it feels great. Turning sexual energy I'm containing into a fit body, instead of wasting it. I have been focused on my work. Smoking weed, but really, there's a whole lot of good going on in my world.

 

[kk99]

I've gone almost another full week since my MO relapse 5 days ago.

Feeling strong. Healing my sex life.

 

[Phase2]

Keep going kk, you are fighting a worthwhile fight.

Get through those first six weeks and the habit quickly starts to fade away. And yes Grindr is bad news. I had a Scruff problem and it set me back. It's seeking and searching and messes with your head and next thing you know PIED is back. I dumped it a couple months ago. But like you, now I don't really know how to meet guys without the apps (isn't is pathetic, I mean, we met people BEFORE apps existed, right??).

Anyhow, I posted a 90 day success story. You might want to read another gay man's story and pick up some tips. Cheers! http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=4018.0

 

[BailHope]

Get through those first six weeks and the habit quickly starts to fade away. And yes Grindr is bad news. I had a Scruff problem and it set me back. It's seeking and searching and messes with your head and next thing you know PIED is back. I dumped it a couple months ago. But like you, now I don't really know how to meet guys without the apps (isn't is pathetic, I mean, we met people BEFORE apps existed, right??).

Just wanted to post that I can relate, because I have the same kind of problem with Tinder! I actually meet new people through the app. Don't know how I used to do it, because the virtual reality of meeting people has always been kind of my deal.

 

[kk99]

Thanks for the conversation and the encouragement. It's really nice to read.

Yes, the app thing is real. But honestly, it's possible to meet people in life. It requires a little more bravery, which we're all capable of. The apps do help, and truthfully, there are other dating sites that are not hyper sexual. The ones where you get a spectrum of different pictures are definitely bad news and it's nice to not be on them.

I've mo'ed a little twice but have not orgasmed. Still not good. Playing around. I'm feeling really really energetic and strong. I've ejaculated twice (on the same day), in the past 23 days, which is a long time for me. I'm working out more. Feeling horny, and also having wonders about how long this will take. I met someone I like and we've kissed a few times, which is great considering this reboot, but I can feel it building. We made out for a brief moment and I think I got hard without even noticing. I'm thinking another few weeks and sex is a possibility and want to be ready to perform (as does everyone on here haha) and love it.  I'm still commited to this reboot long term and won't let anyone else detract that if it's going to. If' they're right, they're help heal.

Keep on keepin on, and thanks for reading and writing.

 

[kk99]

Phase 2 Thanks for posting the link to your story. it's really helpful and motivating. Your cue to do as much research as possible has been key. I have been diving in and watching your brain on porn and reading and educating myself. There's a whole lot!

I can relate and turning sexual energy into some serious fitness. I'm in the best shape of my life right now and it feels awesome.

Meditation has gone from periodic to everyday and I must say, this is the game changer for me. I have no doubt it's changing my life for the better.

Feeling incredible amounts of gratitude this morning for the information and the fact that I'm healing and only 28. I had such fear I was going to be stuck in this cycle forever. And now I know I'm not. Which is such a blessing. I hope as many guys who are struggling with this and have no idea what the cause of their problems are find this information and the strength to rewire their brains, sex lives, and enjoy them.

 

[kk99]

Alright, so it's been a few days and lots happened.

I had a cozy post-Thanksgiving day, walking around and sitting in a coffee shop bookstore with my friend I picked up a book in the autobiography section by a former male escort and gay porn star.

I got hard just reading it. Literally 30 minutes later I got a text from a dude I've hooked up with before and shortly after ruined my celibate month. Here's the thing though. I was hard as a rock without any viagra. But it was purely sex with no intimacy.

The next day, hanging with the dude I was dating, I wasn't getting hard while we were making out and still told him no sex yet...Noticing the disconnect.

Anyhow. I'm confused, chaotic and feeling strong at the same time. One thing has become clear. No porn is staying. It's been nearly 3 months of no porn. November has been largely successful. Looking forward to more progress in December.

 

[Phase2]

This is a confusing process for sure. I have no answers, other than to keep going forward and see how things shake out. But here are some comments:

First, congrats on your no-viagra boner. That sounds like a great step forward.

Second, it's pretty common to have a flatline after an orgasm, or a 'down period' of a few days where your horniness goes away. This may be your case. You went back at it the next day with the guy you were dating and just weren't feeling it. This may just be post-orgasm doldrums.

Lastly, is it possible you just aren't that sexually attracted by the guy you are dating? This happens to me a lot: I date guys that are handsome, smart, funny, etc so I think there should be a sexual attraction. But it doesn't always work that way. The more I think about it, there are relatively few dudes that really get me going. We aren't porn gods with 24/7 boners ready to screw around with every other dude walking around. Watching porn makes us think that's how we should be, but we aren't. Focus on quality not quantity.

In my experience, there is a bit more thrill in a hook up, so that can add extra dopamine to a situation. Of course, I'm not here to stop hooking up, or dating, so I want it to work in both cases as I'm sure you do too.

Keep us posted as to your progress. Keep going buddy. You are well on your way!

 

[kk99]

Thanks for this advice....

Really really helpful. And helpful to get back on here....

Few thoughts. Have been intimate with the guy I've been dating, but not great erections. Pretty good ones, but nothing too hard. And I am into it. I'm growing more sexually attracted to this guy and was really into the sex. I had a "sorry my dick isn't super hard" moment and he had a "don't worry about it at all" response. Feels way to early to get into this talk, but it's a bit tricky because we're starting to have sex now, I feel some potential here (although I'm not 100% sure), and I'm also worried this can interfere with my serious focus on my reboot myself and bringing a new partner into the situation can complicate things. Also feeling a little discouraged and less confident than I did in each passing week of the reboot because I've now had some unsuccessful erection tries by my standard. Staying optimistic that this is working and I make the right choices to continue to heal in a long lasting way and love my sex life confidently.

Especially since, I've not yet recovered and cant seem to get hard without viagra.

I think your points about a hookup scenario giving more dopamine and being more "porn like" are true so the after effects may have lowered interest in the other dude. But also the fact that yeah maybe I'm not always secually into handsome people, there's always another factor.

Is it silly to start having sex in the middle of a reboot? Thanks so much for the encouragement. I am healing and on my way, if someone else is coming on the ride, then they're worth it, otherwise I'm totally cool to let it go because I'm excited about the changes I'm making in myself.

 

[Spanishguy]

Hey kk99 congratulations...you seem to be in control.

About your question of having sex while rebooting...I can say that for me it is a mistake...having sex got me hornier and sometimes, after having sex with the guy i am dating, I watch porn and masturbate because i feel i need a strong orgasm...my orgasms with him are weaker....

I dont know...it is confusing...I think we need a time away from sex....as if we were back into chilhood to start again. Good luck!

 

[kk99]

Thanks for reading and the support.

You're right. It's a tough situation because I've been dating someone I like, see potential with, and now to be like "hey here's all of this information I have to tell you and we can't have sex for awhile" scares me and seems like it could ruin progress.

Truthfully, if this person's the right one, they'll be down to support me through my shit. Just seems early to bring such intensity and a 'unique' situation to the table, especially for fear of rejection, if they're not right for me anyhow, etc. Whatever, I've gotten myself here and I'm brave. And my desire for a happy sex life long term is my main motivation.

Will keep writing. Let's see how this unfolds!

 

[kk99]

This week has been hell-ish internally.

I failed to 'perform' again and had a chat with my dude. I left out some details (which made me feel worse and dishonest). But he's pretty awesome and said things like "do what's best for you, don't worry about me. let me know if i can help. i think you're really sexy and beautiful. I'm down to abstain from having sex for awhile if you think it'll help you. etc"

Still, I came home and felt so depressed, ashamed, and scared I'm going to be stuck in this forever. It's hard because I'm not where I want to be yet sexually. And the timing of this relationship is interesting.

I don't know what to do. I see my choices as. 1. keep sleeping with him, trying to have sex. downside is failed attempts are fucking me up internally, emotionally. 2. break up with him and go back to focusing on my healing. 3. bring him along for the ride if he's down. perhaps no sex for a bit. (scariest option, but if he's the right person for me, i can learn a lot).

My fear and challenge and I've had this before and don't want to repeat is that once this is brought to light, the power dynamics of the relationship change. I feel "less than" because I can't get my dick as hard and this issue being so disclosed to another person makes me feel ashamed, like I bring a heaviness, less confident etc. Basically it changes dating from playful and light to heavy and intense. Fuck, this is hard and bringing up a lot of darkness for me. I felt like I was doing so good. And feel like there's seeds of falling in love. And now I'm confused, discouraged, and feeling low about this stuff.

 

[Tomte]

From what you wrote he sounds like a really good guy, I think option no.3 might be worth a shot. Try to talk openly about it, see how he reacts, and if he's down take a break from sex, but continue with the intimacy and see what happens.

 

[Phase2]

Go for option no. 3. However, say 'I'm taking a month off of sex." So, lets hang out, have a lot of fun, really get to know each other but my pants aren't coming off until Feb 1. Sounds like he is cool and he'll be ok with that. You are in control and you need to do whats right for YOU.

I think a problem is you are trying before you are ready, and it's fucking with your head. The emotion of feeling failure sucks and it worsens your situation by adding to your anxiety. Wait, wait, wait, until you've put some time in. It will be better for both of you in the long run. Be smart about this.

 

[juan.]

Go for option 3 definitely. If he's worth it, he'll stick around and help you along the way. And he does seems like he's worth it by what you've told so far.

I've had PIED for a while now (although I've only joined this place and started rebooting a few days ago), and all the guys I've slept with have been all 'Don't worry about it' at the time regarding my ED. I think most guys, and certainly all those who are worth it, can understand the situation and be supportive. So be confident, don't fear rejection and never, ever, feel less than other guys or ashamed.
You're worth it to stick around and wait till you're ready.

Also, regarding social networking apps, I don't feel that bad about it, I'm not currently a user, last one I used / my preferred one, is Tinder. I'd rather use Tinder, Grindr, Scruff... than date in a club late at night. But for sure, if you're rebooting you should stay away from them. They are a porn subs to most guys.