Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P

[kk99]

Hey there. Thanks for the support.

Option 3 is the go and so far it's going well. The advice on never feel less than because of this is particularly good and relevant.

Feeling a mix of things. Have had more successful sex both with and without some viagra. But also having regular sex has made me hornier and I've started jerking off again more than before and strangely feel drawn toward porn more than in months (I still have no looked at it).

I feel more secure in the connection I currently have than I have in a long time. That said, it's important to remember how important this healing is and not to take it lightly as I get more comfortable. I want this reboot to result in a healthy, functioning sex life for the rest of my life whether it's with my current sexual partner or others.

 

[kk99]

Okay, definitely needing, wanting, and committing to recommitting to this thread and writing to assist my sexual health healing journey because I have certainly gotten sidetracked and feel like I'm at an important crossroads.

I still have not watched porn since September 11th (getting close to 4 months!).
I've been having sex with a new partner who is aware of the situation (but very minimally), and has made it clear is interested for more than just sex and happy to be part of helping me recover. There's been ease and definite imporovement, but without viagra I have not gotten erect enough for penetration. There's definite more life than before when I was watching porn regularly, but I think viagra will help for now.

That said, out of the blue in the last few weeks I've been feeling serious urges for porn and even jerked off with a dude at the gym in the steam room (shameful to admit), tried to download grindr on my phone, have masturbated for the past week, and have looked at permiscious photos online (but not quite porn). Basically, I am creeping closer to a relapse, and putting my mind inf antasy mode, while becoming more intimate with a person who does not know the severity of this struggle in my past (where it is staying), and worried if I don't stop right now with this risky behavior, it will affect loving my sex life negatively.

That's where writing this down makes it so much clearer. So after I submit this, I commit to zero masturbation for the next 30 days (at least). Why? Because I love having sex with my new lover and want to continue to confidently, allow it to improve, and have ease and ecstasy in the bedroom instead of fear and shame. Wish me luck.

 

[broutlook]

Try watch this, I think it would benefit you, it's about how when you think you're done or you can't keep going, you actually can.

https://youtu.be/9I_u4oZqF8c

It certainly has helped me, not just with this, but in everyday life.

 

[kk99]

Thanks for this. It is really helpful.

Feeling better about things and have some more interesting insights on this wild ride...

I got some viagra and was able to have sex after some failed attempts that made me feel disappointed and down on this process. With viagra, I am able to experience intercourse without needing fantasy, am relaxed, confident, and still think this can help heal into a normal sex life without these drugs and bridge the gap in the meantime. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I had sex without viagra and am unable to get hard enough for interourse and it sets me back emotionally. I don't want to totally obstain, although my partner says he would not mind if we needed to for me to recover and feel good. Is using viagra to have sex, while staying away from porn and masturbation, a way to heal?

I am really lucky I am with someone who is reassuring, patient, and not burdened when I've had to bring this up, and be honest about this process and how I'm feeling, although I have relayed all the info, how long it's been going on, etc. Still, things are going in the right direction.

 

[kk99]

Back on this thread after kind of falling off the wagon.

Part of my process is not just porn, but likely a sex addiction and a mostly anonymous/hook-up oriented sex addiction where my ED is not as big a deal and I am more turned on by porn like sexual encoutners (which are way easy to come by in the gay world).

Before meeting my current partner, I was committed to this journey. And fear perhaps I met him a bit too soon before I was ready. Truth be told, he's a gem, willing to be patient with me. But I still have not told him everything, like...how long it's been going on, why it's happening fully, and that viagra is the only way I've been able to have sex for the past little bit.

I just went overseas for three weeks and kind of relapsed. Slept with random dudes and gay saunas, where gay dudes go to fuck, and people from grindr. We have not been exclusive yet, but this was a big step back. Now I realize more than ever this relationship is exactly what I want. I have to be brave to heal with another person and fully open up.

I guess I'm wondering if there is a way to reboot, and get back to having healthy erections without viagra and fantasys in my head, while still trying to have a sexual relatiosnhip. Before this trip, I was doing great, but fuck this is so hard. I know I'm going to overcome it, but there's been many ups and downs. and it's a wild ride.

 

[Phase2]

Hey KK. Have you seen the book 'Cruise Control'? I'm reading it now. Some guys have mentioned it on here and I got a copy on amazon. You may want to give it a read because it sounds like you have identified yourself as having some of these sexual addiction problems that are dealt with in the book.

Anyway, I'm following your posts, hoping to see some great reports. I'm wishing you the best.

BTW, if I were you I would stop all masturbating. Save it all for your partner. Obviously this isn't easy for you, but it seems to me that if you try a halfway approach, you (we) very easily fall down the slippery slope. Go big or go home as they say. Stop all the small cheats. Stay focused. Keep posting man. I'm rooting for you.

 

[kk99]

Thank you for the referral of this book. I am going to order it now, it seems to be speaking exactly to my situation (minus the ED as a result!).

I really appreciate the support and you taking the time to read and the energy of support. I really think the outcomes are going to be great. I am scared to tell my partner everything and at the same time elated that someone I can heal with.

My biggest question now is whether to keep having sex with Viagra. Or stop sex altogether for awhile while I reboot. Both have their pros and cons. I am brave and worthy of love and belonging and can make my partners life better with many parts of myself other than my dick so it's important to remember that the ideal partner is not just about sex. It's hard because in gay culture, it sometimes seems that way.

I'll keep posting now that I'm home. And in a place where I can no longer run from this. Keep sending me good thoughts, the support is felt.

 

[pearland71]

Just feeling horny is a pretty damn good sign! You just can't PMO/Fap. You're obliviously committed by the volume of your posts/updates but if you're not committed to fully reboot you'll be posting on here for years to come......Good Luck Brother

 

[kk99]

Writing again. It's been a week or so. I've still been using the ED pills from time to time with my partner because, well I want to have sex and connect on that level. The good news is, I am having raging hard erections with them, whereas before, even that was not working. I am also waking up with erections.

I'm still scared to try having sex without the medication. I know it's a cop out, but failing to perform sets me back so much emotionally (even if it doesn't make sense, and my partner does not care, which he doesn't).

It's a wild ride. I'm feeling very committed to not watching porn. I am also 2 full weeks without marijuana. After an overseas trip with lots of spliffs with old friends, I needed a break and decided to take a month off to see how life is without it. Fuck it's challenging. It's been an emotional rollercoaster these past two weeks, but luckily my partner is doing it with me, so it's making it easier. Life has been throwing me curveballs and my old releases (porn, random hookups, and weed) are all no longer options. I'm proud of myself for being strong about all of this. This week exercise is high on the priority list, as it's what keeps me sane and high naturally.

Will keep you all posted, best of luck.

 

[Phase2]

Hey KK. That's good news about your hard ons. That is important to start building your confidence back up.

I'm in the same boat about the ED pills. What I've done is attempted to cut down slowly. I did have two different weekends in the past 6 months with guys I was dating where I took my normal half dose (10mg Cialis). But in general, I've been cutting my pill intake down and now take only about 1.75 mg. I THINK I may be ready to go without (I have identified, finally, that a real, sustainable connection and attraction needs to be there, duh!). But like you, I'm nervous about the setback of it not working. Nervous=anxiety=boner killer. My favorite fuck buddy called yesterday and I started to get boned up thinking about him coming over and I thought, 'Ok, this is the time I don't take it.' Then at the last minute I took my 1.75 dose just cuz, like you, I'm worried about a 'failure'. Then we got our communication lines crossed and he couldn't come. So I took the pill for nothing. Argh!!!!!!

I think if you talk with your partner and tell them you are trying it with no dick pills and see what happens, it will be more like an 'experiment' rather than a failure or success. Anyway, that's something I'm considering.

Glad you ordered a copy of Cruise Control. I know you will find much of it relatable. He even addresses the typical 'gay culture' excuse we all use to explain away our acting out. It's an excuse too many of us use which in turn makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's good to be reminded there are LOTS of gay men who don't act like sex addicts. We all need to be reminded of it. We are not lemmings. We are individuals and should insist on living our lives according to our own plan and what works for US.

Cheers, guys.

 

[lohster12]

hey there KK,

      HAHA on your grindr thing, because I sort of do the same w/ tinder/facebook as a substitute LOL, my question to you is when you first started the no PMO thing, did you get
really strong urges to masturbate ? i'm 22yrs old and i'm only on day 8 but boy do i always feel dirty now. I also smoke a lot of weed and roll a bit (for raves), but atm i'm off those two
at the same time. Why'd you cut mj off i'm curious though. Great read btw.

 

[kk99]

Hey man thanks for writing and reading.

Yes, when I first started I got insane urges to masturbate. I read this book called "The Power of Habit" which I highly recomend and they talk about when you get an urge for something, pick a new action (instead of jerking off, take 3 deep breaths or something).

Well done on starting this. It's challenging but you'll be feeling amazing in a few weeks if you stick with it.

Yeah ganja and rolling are not bad things, I like them too. But I took away the weed because it was everyday and I like to take breaks and reevaluate my relationship to these things. I'm not sure if I'll go back to it after this month or not. Whatever works, it's good to break habits and make them choices rather than compulsions. Best of luck.

 

[kk99]

Update.

This has still been challenging. Last week, I looked at porn for the first time since the beginning of September. Kind of brushed off what I big deal it was until I had sex with my boyfriend and realized I needed to fantasize about porn again to orgasm. Not okay, or what I want at all. Good news is, even after a few days, I was really turned on with sex and didn't need to fantasize.

My biggest obstacle to overcome right now is opening up more about this with my partner. I brought it up and we talked more in the beginning. Then I got more viagra which I've been taking every time we've had sex and since the problem is gone and I have really been performing better than I ever have, because of months of no PMO, I've kept it hidden. I told him about the pills, etc, but we haven't had a talk in awhile and I don't want to rely on them and still think a break from sex altogether would be great for starting a fresh reboot since I relapsed a bit. I know he senses how heavy this is for me and has been great at giving space and time for me to open up when I'm ready. And I am ready. We're getting close to the point now that things hidden, especially around our sex life, feels like an unnecessary wall to more love and healing, so I'm going to be brave and open up more about how deep and dark this hole was before and how much healing is happening. And to be totally transparent about taking erection pills for the sake of confidence and sex and intimacy, etc.

What a fucking journey. Feels great to write as always.

"I love my sex life" - an affirmation I've been telling myself at least a few times in my head each day. It's working

 

[Rebootosaurus]

Hey man! I am impressed that you got so far without pmo! Please just continue on this path. I just wanted to ask if you think that you shouldn't have sex so often, maybe you can just suck him off or somthing so it doesn't feel like you make him live in celabacy because of you.

Sorry, english is not my native language so maybe I was a bit of confusing.

 

[kk99]

Thanks man.

I realize how much I was starting to cheap. It's a slippery slope. A few days back on track, sex with my partner is better and I realize how much more energy and confidence I have.

 

[kk99]

Okay. I have to start again.

I am even thinking about starting a new thread, because I've been caught in a bad cycle since I went overseas in January and have not 100% gotten back on course.

I started rebooting on September 11th (6 months ago exactly). The most powerful part was realizing it had to be 100%. Not just no porn. But no grindr, or things that are in the grey area. Any sexual stimulus that is not a real person is no.

It was really powerful and challenging. I felt better. Felt my libido coming back. Realized how addicted to porn and sex I was and what a challenge (and how empowering it was) to stop. Shortly after I met my partner. Opened up as much as I felt comfortable. I went on a 3 week trip overseas and slipped back and truthfully have not been on track like I was before.

The shame, guillt, powerlessness, etc all have come back. As well as secrecy. This shit is fucking weird. And intense! I stopped posting so much. Kind of get through it. Kept telling myself I would tell my partner about it all for support, but have instead chose to pretend it's not happening and take viagra to have sex instead. The crazy thing is, after watching porn again, the sex feels different. And not as good.

Anyhow. I need to start over. Exactly 6 months after I began. My goal is again 90 days. Really, my life is too important to get stuck in a habit loop that's holding me back and putting unnecessary weight on my shoulders. I am going to start a new thread and reread all my posting to get some good insight. The support on this forum is incredible, so thank you. We all deserve confident, joyful, real intimacy and sex, it's one of the best parts of life. It's wild we have to battle our minds to recover, but the truth is I am grateful for the first time in years I KNOW what I need to do to heal and I am doing it. So if you have fucked up a little or a lot, like I feel I have, stay kind to yourself. And recommit when yo're ready.

 

[Greys0n]

Best of luck.  Keep rebooting!