Time to get a bit more serious

[crazygdude]

Day 11,
Well today was not bad at all. I no real urges came on today, I even saw a post referencing a porn website and before when I would have been triggered I had just the smallest urge when before I would have probably gave in and relapsed. It's crazy how much this journaling helps out. It's like I don't have to keep it all in and feel like I have this secret I can't tell anyone. Before journaling it used to feel like I was stuck through this struggle on my own, but with reading others journals and others encouragement I feel like this will be the time I successfully reboot. I believe it in my soul when before I used to just attempt without fulling believing it. But I am way beyond my last record for days without PMO.

 

[crazygdude]

Day 12,
Today it seems like my libido is slightly come back, I mean I'm starting to notice girls again, But not in the same way as before. I can look at them and appreciate their beauty, when before I would have thought of them in some sort of sexual manner, also I am noticing I am starting to say things that are coming to my mind when interacting with people instead of simply just giving one word answers. I am really enjoying this feeling that is slowly growing daily. I wish I had done this years ago. Although I must admit I am feeling a somewhat urge to Masturbate, but I'm just going to read more journals here and hopefully that gets me through it.

 

[firstofall22]

Hi crazygdude,

man I started reading your story and I totally felt related to you. I was also 22 when I started my second reboot, and I also want a working relationship, a proper career and generally some serious success in life not sitting in front of a bloody screen fapping along. I am on day 19 now and keeping my way - no far. I know it's going to be really ugly soon but we will see. Let's do this seriously, man.

I am supporting you. All the best.

 

[tyobes7]

I am pleased to see you and you hold out and
you feel the changes, it really is something nice, continuous and Courage

 

[crazygdude]

Day 13 & 14
Thanks a ton "Firstofall22" and "Tyobes7" I don't think you guys understand how much your encouragement and support helps in times of need. Didn't get the chance to update as I was travelling and didn't have access to internet. So this weekend has been a weekend of success that I attribute to refraining from PMO. First off I was able to discuss with some of my friends what I have been going through and the effects that porn had on my life. I believe a couple of my friends may have been struggling with this same habit so I just informed them a little bit of the effects that porn has on the brain because I believe this is one of the best things you can do for yourself in terms of self improvement. Also I went out and had some drinks with some friends and I was afraid that it could lead to a relapse but it didn't and I am so glad I made it through today and and last night without relapsing. Also at the gym I was at the gym and was feeling kind of tired and unmotivated and then this beautiful girl walked in and then I felt this energy just surge through me that I have never felt in awhile and I managed to beat my personal best on weightlifting after months of being unmotivated and being on a plateau. And finally when I was at the bar there was this girl who I kind of know a little bit but she seemed to be all over me and kept having me dance with her and we made out a little bit and I barely even talked very much with her. But the great thing was I wasn't really worried about an outcome with her. It was like I would have been happy no matter the outcome with her. Well long story short I didn't really feel terribly attracted to her so I just did my own thing. When before I would have just did anything to be with a girl, now it feels like I have options when it comes to girls and I don't have to hook up with the first chick that throws themselves at me. Everyday is progressively better and I have to remember to stay vigilant and try to prevent a relapse to the best of my ability.

 

[crazygdude]

Day 15
Well the half way mark to my goal is here and I'm still going strong. I'm so damn happy because I never thought I would make it to this point in a while, I know I still have a long way to go but I just wanna enjoy this small little milestone. At any rate I just wanted to let everyone know that I appreciate your help and advice. One day at a time and I know we can all be the person we know we are. If you're reading this stay strong brother.

 

[crazygdude]

Day 16,
Well was a pretty bland day today, felt pretty tired and didn't have too much energy. But I started following this fitenss page and seen this super hot chick and felt really aroused, I felt some old urges kicking in so I immediately unfollowed the page. I started thinking about how I felt before I started this Journey. Always feeling like I had a secret and living my life with this secret shame. And since going without PMO I have been able to live my life with my head held high.

 

[crazygdude]

Day 17,
Well today haven't really felt any strong urges or anything at all, still feel like I am flatlining. Oh well I know I am on the path to recovery and know I have to go through a little bit of pain to get anything worthwhile. But just a thought, I never realized how much girls are sexualized today in the media. How much temptations there are everywhere and how much I have had to filter what I am exposed to in order to prevent relapse. Well anyway still happy that I have made it this far.

 

[firstofall22]

Hey mate,

I also recognized that a lot of stuff in the "open media" of our everyday lives is extremely triggering. It's hard to stay focused but it will be worth it. Well at least I guess so.

Greets

 

[crazygdude]

Day 18
Yeah for sure I noticed it actually pretty insane the amount of triggers everywhere. Going on social media and half the chicks feel the need post pics with a lot of cleavage, go to the gym and all the girls are wearing very revealing clothing, I was listening to a joe rogan podcast and they were discussing how much they like porn. But I am so glad I have been able to not be triggered so far. But I just finished reading this book "The way of the superior man" and they were discussing about how our sexual energy can be used for our own personal energy and motivation and when we ejaculate we are just throwing away all this potential energy. I feel this is very true because after all this time without PMO I have felt more energetic, it is definitely not a huge amount of energy, but it is definitely noticeable.

 

[crazygdude]

Day 19 & 20
Well made it here to day 20, oh man does it ever feel great to see that counter go up and feel a bit closer to my goal with each day. I haven't really had any triggers or anything lately. Last night I could kind of feel a little bit of an old habit coming back where I would just want to watch porn out of boredom. But instead of going off on my own and starting my habit cycle again I just watched a movie with my cousin. Well I just started thinking about where I was before I started this journal and how shameful my behaviours were. I think I knew it was bad when I used to masturbate at work. I work out in the forest a lot on my own so sometimes in my work truck when I am out in the middle of no where I would give in to my urges. I feel totally embarrassed and ashamed to admit it, but it happened so oh well. I found it hard to look anyone in the eyes or hold any eye contact because I always felt I had this dirty dark secret. Now I feel this clean feeling and my confidence and focus is returning. I also feel my will power growing with each day. I can say to to junk food, I work harder than usual, I find I can read my books with a bit more focus. It's just all great. Anyone reading this and is struggling, just know it gets better with each day. I used to have a ton of problems with relapsing constantly and was struggling for 2 years trying to kick this habit. This time feels a lot different than any other time. You can do this and if you relapse just keep getting back up and dusting yourself off, we are all in this together.

 

[crazygdude]

Also would just like to add to my previous post that this morning I started to experience semi morning wood so that is a great sign as it has been awhile.

 

[crazygdude]

Day 21,
Well today was pretty good, just kind of lazed about, not too much to report, didn't have any breakthroughs or weak moments. Was just a pretty mundane day. Well I was watching a tv show called "american horror story and they had a very mild sec scene, was wondering if that would do any damage to your dopamine or mess up your mind any. It kind of triggered me mildly but not a whole lot. I just wonder if I should just stop watching shows with sex and sexual things until I feel healed.

 

[crazygdude]

Day 22,
Well a fantastic day, it seems like another time that I used to struggle with porn so much. It's not that I think there will not be struggle in the future, it's just that I feel so confident that this time will be the tie I beat this addiction. Today I felt full of energy and confidence, was able to talk to some girls at the gym when I usually just keep to myself. Saw a beautiful women at the gym and have used this techinique I learned in "the way of the superior man" where you just take a moment to appreciate a woman's beauty and breathe in deeply and allow that energy to flow throughout your body. I did that and managed to beat a personal best today at the gym. I managed to do 2 reps of 405 on deadlifts when before I used to struggle to do 1 rep of the same weigh on a great day. Remember people this journey is not an easy one, but it is definitely worth it.

 

[crazygdude]

Day 23,
Well today I got a spontaneous erection during work, it wasn't a full on hard one, but it was a lot more than I felt in a long time. Slowly feeling better. I just kind of wanted to let people know some of the things I do that I feel have helped me along this journey. I have been reading books, meditating, lifting weights, doing High Intensity Intervals, taking cold showers, eating good food that boosts testosterone (ex. oysters, steaks), drinking a lot of water, getting at least 8 hours of sleep, watching motivational videos, listening to self improvement podcasts, cutting down on alcohol, and obviously posting to my journal daily. I feel all these things are doing wonders, and would highly recommend any of them if not all.

 

[crazygdude]

Oh yeah  another thing I felt has helped me tremendously is I stopped following fitness models and such on Facebook. It has definitely been one of my strong triggers in the past.

 

[firstofall22]

Yes mate, I think that social media is the biggest source of triggers nowadays, there are babes or explicit contents everywhere. Right after that comes advertising and TV, stupid society we're living in really... Keep it up, you're doing great. It's a real motivation for me.

Bernie

 

[crazygdude]

Day 24,
Thanks firstofall22, it's definitely support like yours that have gotten me to the point I am at now. Yeah you don't realize how much sexuality is apart of our culture until you begin a reboot. This morning I had a semi erection and had this strong urge to masturbate. It was early in the morning and I was still tired so I tried to go back to sleep but my mind was been overdriven by this strong urge. But I stayed strong and just thought about how far I've come and kept in mind the person I want to be. I am doing my best to become the best version of myself. I don't ever want to go back to all the shame and disappointment in myself. I want to get into a relationship and not have to worry about ED. I want to be able to have a healthy sex life. I am slowly feeling my libido coming back, it feels great but it's also scary because I realize that the hard part is going to be able to handle my urges when they arise.

 

[freedom2015]

Hey man, I just wanted to stop by and say you are doing an awesome job! I agree 100% about the triggers on social media, and I have also unsubscribed from a lot of the pages that were posting half naked women.  I think it is pretty great that you have made this far, and you are able to see your progression.  I remember last year I made it about 30 or so days without porn, and then out of no where there was a link on facebook that said something like "nude miley cyrus" and I totally took that bait.  I tell you this to remind you that even though you have went more than 20 days triggers can still happen easily.  It has taken me a year since that small reboot to get back on track, so I encourage you to stay diligent about avoiding triggers.  You are doing great and stay strong.

 

[crazygdude]

Thanks a lot freedom2015, I completely understand what you mean. I once made it about 4 months last year without porn or alcohol, and then I decided to go out and was led on by a girl all night only for her to just bail on me. So I went back to my room and was feeling kind of frustrated and pretty drunk and ending up relapsing. It's taken a little over year to get back on track. Also earlier I actually felt a semi intense urge to watch porn. I was browsing 9gag and people were discussing porn and then a strong flashback of one of my favourite scenes popped up in my head, and my heart started racing and breathing increased rapidly. It was kind of worrying, but I just went for a walk and listened to Gabe Deems interview on the Girl Boner podcast about the myths of porn. It helped out quite a bit.