Time to get a bit more serious

[crazygdude]

Day 25,
Well I really notice the little nuances that are starting to come back especially within convos. I am starting to be able to say things that come to my mind and not be afraid to say how I really feel instead of worrying about what others think. I feel this good energy throughout the day that just seems to stick around a bit longer. I am able to just do my work without hesitating and beating around the bush. Also my strength has been increasing like crazy and I just seem happier in general. I also began thinking about why I started to use porn heavily. It all stemmed from this loneliness I used to feel all the time. And it was just great to escape using porn and being able to just see these beautiful women I never ever would have gotten to see otherwise. Then this crazy downward spiral just occured and it just got progressively worse until the point of watching porn sometime 3-4 times a day. The craziest thing was when I finally got into a relationship with a girl I believed to be way out of my league and who was beautiful and sexy as hell. I had her and she was willing to have sex with me and I couldn't even get it up. Then I guess that eventually led to us splitting ways and now I wish I had gotten control of this habit earlier. But I can't change the past and can only work towards creating a better future for myself now and put out good energy and hope I can attract my dream girl by living with the qualities that I wish others around me to have as well.

 

[firstofall22]

Hey mate,

I can totally relate to what you experience. I think these are common feelings we all have here as rebooters. There are two very interesting things though I find very interesting...
FIRST: the reason why people turn to porn as you have already explained, it can be anything. Loneliness, boredom, anger, problems with partners or family. For some reason, there are quite some people who get in the vicious cycle, like you also explained very well. It feels good, and it numbs the problems around oneself - like drugs do.
SECOND: how people try to get a higher dopamine kick everytime they watch porn. Because it's like every other drug, the more you use, the better it feels. So a lot of porn-addicted guys turn to extreme porn like Findom, Femdom, abusive stuff, extreme stuff in any kind, or even illegal things - it turns out that those particular fetishes have got a lot to do with their past before porn. Some find abusive exciting, because they have been abused in the past. Some find femdom abusive, because they weren't able to explore their sexuality enough before they got to porn, so they don't feel as men and think they have to "serve" women...  it's highly complex.

After all it's not important to analyze all this, but to concentrate on the rehab or reboot. One thing I wanted to say about your girlfriend problem - I had the same issue with my ex girlfriend. I broke up with her because I was so embarrassed of my PIED... I couldn't tell her, it was broken beacause I really liked her you know. It was awful. But I managed to tell her about my reboot 2 weeks ago and so she's the only one now who knows about my problem and she is very very supportive. Maybe your ex-girlfriend understands you as well and you can work this all out?? Women are in general very supportive and find it important when you trust them - and she will too. Try it!

All the best mate, you are doing great.

first

 

[crazygdude]

Hey Firstofall22,

Yeah  thanks I like to reflect on this type of things, but I think what you said is really important about moving forward instead of focusing on the the past. I believe it is important to find the root cause of the problem so that I can work on those issues. I have kept a lot of negative emotions that i am working on in a healthy manner by talking to people about my problems instead of holding them in, and going to the gym seems to help a ton.
Also to touch on your second point, yeah I used to look at things that I used to feel ashamed about and I feel I carried that shame everywhere and that people could sense it. Also feeling that I had no control of my own habits brought me down due to the reason I wasn't living in alignment with my values.
Thanks for the suggestion about the ex girlfriend, but I've made the decision to break ties with her due to some other reasons as well. I am on this whole journey of self improvement and she seems to be stuck in this whole phase of just partying and doing very little with her life. But who knows? Perhaps down the road there can be an opportunity to work things out. At this point and time I focusing on myself and working daily towards my goals. All in all your support is appreciated greatly and I wish you the best as well.

 

[crazygdude]

Day 28,
Well didn't do a whole lot today, mostly just relaxed. Didn't experience any real triggers or feel any compulsion to masturbate. But getting pretty close to my 30 day goal, so that is exciting. Felt kind of lethargic throughout the day, but as I have been saying for awhile now, I was ready to accept all of these lows in exchange for a life filled with more consistent highs in the future. I feel like this site has been awesome to keep me accountable and allow me to look back and remind myself of my goals.

 

[crazygdude]

Forgot to add a little bit about yesterday as well, it was a pretty great. As usual I am starting to notice I'm a bit more quick witted lately which. I've been able to hold convos more easily with people instead of just giving one word answers. Also I"ve been able to hold my shoulders back and not hunch over as much as I do and keep good confident body language. So as I was at subway yesterday there was a girl working there and I was able to talk with her for a bit and at the end of it she gave me some soup for free which I feel like I can attribute to not watching porn anymore.

 

[firstofall22]

Cool story, man. It's really promising when you are able to have convos like these and even get a reward when you weren't able to do this before No-PMO. Even the slightest victory is a good one, fantastic.

 

[crazygdude]

Day 29,
Yes Firstofall22 it is definitely encouraging for sure to see these small changes. I feel this core confidence growing ever so slowly and whenever I experience a high within my life it seems to be more of an elevated high than before No-PMO. I am also noticing I am able to express my opinions and ideas more and be willing to stand by my ideas. But another night and I have reached my goal and it's so exiting. I am starting to feel like any goal I set my mind to I an begin to achieve. Like I said I've been lifting weights for a long time and this is the first time in a while that I feel like I am progressing quite a bit. If anyone is reading this and feel any doubts or anything, don't worry you will go through low points, but the highs will far out weigh the lows. I am not cured yet, but I still feel a hell of a lot better than before.

 

[crazygdude]

Day 30,
Well I finally made it and achieved my first goal of no PMO for 30 days, I didn't think I would make this goal anytime soon. I am so glad I mad the decision to post to this forum, I must admit that I did have my doubts at first whether journalling would actually help. But it has made all the difference in my progress. Today I felt this strong sexual urge. I didn't get fully erect, but it felt great to feel something instead of nothing at all. It was an amazing feeling to have that desire without having to watch porn.  Well anyways on to my next goal of 90 days.

 

[crazygdude]

Day 31 & 32
My internet is down, but I'm still going strong. So happy that I made it to this point. Woke up this morning feel pretty aroused which felt great, got a semi erection. So that seems promising. Also on the mental side. I finally got the courage to talk to my boss about something that has been bothering me for awhile. This anxiety is just slowly slipping away and it is awesome. Also finally got the courage to try and return to post secondary. I've been putting it off for awhile but now I have this zest for life and have applied and everything today. My life is slowly coming together. I feel like I am unstoppable sometimes. I notice my focus is getting so much better as well. I have noticed I am finishing my books twice as fast and I want to read more instead of playing video games or watching tv.

 

[crazygdude]

Day 33 & 34,
Welll I am unhappy to report that I had a moment of weakness and relapsed and I am feeling super ashamed and disappointed in myself. I've been doing so great and all of a sudden this strong urge just kicked in out of nowhere. I can't explain how much I am hurting right now. I was thinking of a bunch of ways I can justify that I wouldn't have to reset my counter or how I can just omit this and continue on with my day count. I feel like I have made it so far and don't want to restart but I guess I have to. It felt like for the longest time I could hold my head up knowing I had a bit of control over this habit. It is approx 3 in the morning where I live. I went to sleep and ended up waking up twice due to nightmares/ weird dreams that made me super uncomforatable. I don't know what happened the third time but I woke up with this crazy strong urge to watch porn. I tried to rationalize why I shouldn't and think of the days I've accumulated, but my heart was pounding like crazy and I coundn't stop. I'm not sure what little things caused this. Maybe I should have kept on top of my journal more. Oh god I am so hurt right now. I really want to get over this sooo bad and it was scary how quickly this thing took over my mind. I am terrified that I might never have full control, 34 days down the drain. Please any words of encouragement, support or advice is helpful right now. Thanks. Also I didn't even get a chance to watch the porn, I had eaculated before the video loaded

 

[CrazyGopher]

Day 33 & 34,
Welll I am unhappy to report that I had a moment of weakness and relapsed and I am feeling super ashamed and disappointed in myself. I've been doing so great and all of a sudden this strong urge just kicked in out of nowhere. I can't explain how much I am hurting right now. I was thinking of a bunch of ways I can justify that I wouldn't have to reset my counter or how I can just omit this and continue on with my day count. I feel like I have made it so far and don't want to restart but I guess I have to. It felt like for the longest time I could hold my head up knowing I had a bit of control over this habit. It is approx 3 in the morning where I live. I went to sleep and ended up waking up twice due to nightmares/ weird dreams that made me super uncomforatable. I don't know what happened the third time but I woke up with this crazy strong urge to watch porn. I tried to rationalize why I shouldn't and think of the days I've accumulated, but my heart was pounding like crazy and I coundn't stop. I'm not sure what little things caused this. Maybe I should have kept on top of my journal more. Oh god I am so hurt right now. I really want to get over this sooo bad and it was scary how quickly this thing took over my mind. I am terrified that I might never have full control, 34 days down the drain. Please any words of encouragement, support or advice is helpful right now. Thanks. Also I didn't even get a chance to watch the porn, I had eaculated before the video loaded

Hi crazygdude,

It sounds like you are really hurting right now. I know what you mean when you say it is scary how quickly this thing can take over your mind, because it has happened to me so many times. Yikes! :'(

You asked for advice, so here are some ideas. Firstly, you should know that waking up in the middle of the night with extreme urges for P or MO is common. It will probably happen again if you continue down this path. It happens to me, too, and that's one reason why I have my devices locked down tight (that way it is much harder to access P at night when I am groggy, horny, and not thinking clearly).

Communicating with others on this site really helps. Here's a tip from TobyTob:

Post daily journals, keeps you in check and also read other peoples posts and just get the communication going...has a significant impact, I promise.

Finally, knowing that MO without P is not a relapse/restart may make these nighttime situations seem less overwhelming. Many guys here choose to avoid MO during their reboot, and avoiding MO is indeed helpful for PIED recovery. But when things get really tough, remembering that avoiding P and P subs is more important could also be helpful.

Got to sign off now, but I will say that if you really want to free yourself from P, it can be done! I had to reset one time after 6 months free recently, but the time off has really changed me. I struggle much less with urges now. The longer you can stay away from P, the more those pathways in your brain will rewire.

 

[crazygdude]

Day 35,
Thanks CrazyGopher, I really appreciate the words of encouragement and support so much. I was feeling absolutely horrible and disgusted with myself at the moment. But I just got back from the gym and had some time to reflect, unfortunately I woke up again and thought to myself "well I already fucked up my count" and MO'd to a picture off of fb and watched one P video. I was just about to watch another one when I decided to check my journal and read your reply and it got me through it. But no that I think about it I realized how far I've come and that I went down from watching P 3 times a day to once a month. Now just have to go back at it again headstrong and learn a lesson. I think I am going to buy an alarm clock and not use my phone for an alarm and charge it outside of my room. Also I am going to be more diligent about keeping up with my journal.

 

[crazygdude]

Well just to update a little more on my day. Some things I noticed after my relapse, I was pretty lethargic throughout most of the day and the brain fog seemed to return as well. I felt pretty down most of the day and also had a 3 hour nap. Oh well time to beat my previous best.

 

[crazygdude]

Well I actually should probably go a little more in depth on why I turned to P in the first place and I'm going to be a bit vulnerable here. Well I am still super frustrated at my lack of will power of me relapsing and feeling like I threw away all my progress for 2 mins of immediate gratification. I keep thinking about how I have this feeling of loneliness that I just seem to carry. I feel like I really want a relationship and that it would make me happy even knowing that will not solve my problems. I just feel so lost sometimes. I feel like I am surrounded by people that I can't relate to. I am on this whole crazy journey to become the best version of myself and it feels like no one really understands what I'm trying to accomplish. I am trying to stay alcohol free, trying to stay PMO free, and doing all these other things like lifting weights, eating healthy, reading books, listening to podcasts and meditating and people think I am weird or just wasting my time. But I am starting to understand that I have this whole superiority complex and feel like I am doing these things just so that I can impress people and seek their approval. It's hard I just want to fit in and be like everyone else, but I just don't feel happy when I try to be like everyone else. Also to elaborate a bit more on the relationship department, I see everyone around me who are in relationships and I find myself thinking, why do they get to be in a relationship and I'm here all alone. I see these people who I perceive to be beneath me and they get a relationship. There are girls I know that really like me, but I just don't feel like they are on the same level as me. I would really like a girl with a bit of ambition and who takes care of themselves. I mean I make the effort to work on myself so why would I want a girl who doesn't do the same? But anyways if anyone reads this I am thankful that you took the time. I wish you all the best of luck and I will do the same.

 

[crazygdude]

Day 36,
Well I felt today was pretty good, I feel like I  didn't lose all the benefits by relapsing, I'm still feeling some of my confidence I was gaining. Also I decided that my relapse would have been only a true failure if I didn't learn any lessons from my relapse. I've been thinking that I can't truly fail as long as I'm trying. I believe the only true failure is never trying at all. Also I decided to break my goals up into milestones rather than try to be too ambitious and try to break my last streak. So I am going to go for a week, and then 10 days, and then 15 days, then 30, and so on.

 

[crazygdude]

Day 37,
Not much to report, still feel like I'm flatlining. Just feeling kinda apethetic, almost asexual. Other than that just been kinda tired today and went to go watch a movie. Nothing spectacular, anyways another day down again, getting back on track. Also noticed how much better I've gotten about not watching P, don't even really think about it.

 

[freedom2015]

Hey Crazygdude, I am glad you are feeling well now.  I hope you are able to continue your progress, and I wanted to let you know I enjoy reading your journal.  I really like how you talk about improving yourself, and it motivates me to do similar things. I'm spending a lot of time learning Spanish, and really want to start going to the gym, but I think I am afraid that it will be a reality check of how out of shape I am.  Anyways, keep up the recovery brother, and I wish you all the best luck.

 

[crazygdude]

Hey Crazygdude, I am glad you are feeling well now.  I hope you are able to continue your progress, and I wanted to let you know I enjoy reading your journal.  I really like how you talk about improving yourself, and it motivates me to do similar things. I'm spending a lot of time learning Spanish, and really want to start going to the gym, but I think I am afraid that it will be a reality check of how out of shape I am.  Anyways, keep up the recovery brother, and I wish you all the best luck.

Day 38,
Thanks Freedom, it's responses like yours that make allow me to get back and try my best again. That's great I would love to learn another language, I believe it would be very beneficial. Also regarding the, what better time to start than now? I love the gym and weightlifing is what kick started my whole journey into self improvement. It brought me out of a very dark place and has grown into so much more. It's what has led me to all these self improvement activities like reading, eating healthy, meditating, listening to self improvement podcasts and just generally improving in every way possible. I just feel like the one thing holding me back from becoming the best version of myself is this bad habit of watching P that I have fallen into. it has always been this source of shame that has always been in the back of my mind. I want to kick this habit so that I can become stronger so that I may help out others as well. I want to show people that if a guy who was once shy and filled with anxiety can do all these great things with his life so can anyone. I don't want to just better myself for me, I want to better myself so that I may serve others better. Anyways thanks a million "freedom2015", I wish you the best on your journey as well.

 

[crazygdude]

Day 39,
Well today was alright, nothing exciting to report on the recovery part. Still no morning wood, and feeling a little better than the weekend though. Decided to listen to an audiobook of "The game" a book about pickup artists. It has given me some inspiration. I would love to live my life like these guys do, not in the sense that I would love to be a pickup artist, but in the sense of wishing I could be as confident in the social aspect. I've had such a hard time talking to girl or approaching girls due to the fact that my self esteem has taken a hit due to my PIED. It's weird, I have been with some beautiful girls and I don't know why I still carry a lot of anxiety when it comes to talking to them even knowing I have hooked up with girls I've believed to be out of my league in the past. I guess the main reason is I am scared of getting intimate with a girl and not being able to get it up. Oh well the only way I can get better is going through this process, as much as I wish I could be healed now, anything worth having just takes time. I believe one day I will have a healthy sex life with my dream girl. I just have to realize I will attract into my life what I put out there, and if I want to attract an amazing person I will have to be an amazing person myself.

 

[crazygdude]

Day 40,
Just another day under the sun, almost felt like relapsing last night, but more discipline minds prevailed. It is getting easier to resist these urges with time. Also my diet has been kind of off these past couple days and been taking some time to rest from the gym this week as well. But finally getting out of my comfort zone. Was invited to my supervisors place for a party and I usually decline because I am usually not the most social dude ever. But I accepted, also I am hoping to go snowboarding tomorrow. It's something I  have talked about doing for years no but I never got around to despite having all the resources available to me. I'm starting to realize that life is meant to be lived.