17 year old porn addict and a straight A student and his struggle of relapse!

[OSS]

Hey man, glad to see you're doing so great! The second to last post was inspiring.

Grats on 50 days too. Man be careful with social media, it's a haven for triggers. Don't let yourself fall into that trap before it's too late.

 

[Ikeepmyselfanon]

Thanks man, I've been soo optimistic lately feel really boundless. I see i'm motivating everyone now lol I dunno its the thrill of living. I have set business ventures and goals currently 18 and I'm helping this company set up a food up a food hub, quite small scale but great experience and really opens your eyes to opportunities to become successful. The porn sabotage of confidence has gone I have been laid, and its much better than porn  8) this recovery track this the best decision in my life  ;D ;D I will admit you has those procrastination days, but i realized its because my brain and body needs rest. But dude its like I have never watched porn before talk about a clean slate.

hmm 50 + days, I wonder what happens if i take it to 120 days! I thank you man we supported each other hope you pull through

 

[OSS]

That's awesome bro, goodluck with the business venture hope that is successful. Has anyone commented on your new found mind, like "wow ikeepmyselfanon, you're so energetic lately" or anything?

Are thoughts generally less negative?

 

[Ikeepmyselfanon]

Thanks and yes my close friends are like wow how did u end up like such a freak

 

[OSS]

Hahaha that's awesome! I'm planning on taking a decent break from the forum soon, I'll be back for updates in a month or two. Keep up your streak bro!

 

[Ikeepmyselfanon]

Lool thanks and good luck man keep in touch though I couldn't have come this far without your support.

 

[Ikeepmyselfanon]

Today my sleep was quite segmented, but I had one unusual dream. It was me struggling to avoid porn, I would search and look for my favorite's but then get interrupted. It was a bit of a lucid dream, and I can recall the lack of will power I had, similar to the will power when I first began to do nofap challenge. Quite unusual of course, I have not had a porn related dream for about two months :/ Within this dream I really felt the crave to watch porn, as if my brain was partially lobotomized like how I was previously. Makes you wonder how severe this mental conditioning is, after years of watching porn the addiction haunts you in your dream haha as silly as it sounds. I'm just curious how deep this mental programming roots within the subconscious mind.

but it finally feels good to be freed from being a non-pornographic consumer, I guess my subconscious mind or whatever you want to call it is still healing. Atleast this is the first time I showed restraint in my dream which unusually is a good thing haha

 

[OSS]

Damn, 80 days! Congrats man!

Oh dude I hate those dreams, how have you been in the days following? They really seem to temporarily revitalize withering pathways, this shit really does run deep.

You currently looking for a partner or just going with the flow?

 

[Ikeepmyselfanon]

Thanks dude soon you'd reach and go beyond, but yeah  i've been kinda depressed i think porn left a huge void for me to fill. I stopped being a workaholic and just try to live in the moment.  However today i feel soo freakin alive, feel like i'm worth the whole world in gold

 

[OSS]

That's sounds so good, happy for you. Were you as depressed when you were a workaholic or was the work filling the void?

 

[Ikeepmyselfanon]

Thanks man, and yeah man i guess it filled the void for a bit untill i got used to it and it became mundane and boring so my dopamine receptors started bitching again. But yeah porn has left a void and a lot of energy to fill the void, lol the only anxiety i get is when im not doing anything fun. Honestly a new world is opened to you, i feel like a million bucks, i wanna do anything and everything:travel the world, embrace cultures.learn a new language and live with amazonian people just for that badass experience. Kinda thankful about that void because depression only tells me i need to embrace something new 

 

[Ikeepmyselfanon]

Is the cup half full or half empty? I see most of the relapse post is 90% negative which is kinda a shame. Not to say that we should not discourage ourself from relapsing, but balance it with positive emotions or vibes. Not to say 82 days is a lot but I have never thought I'd last this long, and I wake up everyday thankful I don't feel depressed or abit fogged out in the brain. I don't know but I think its really helpful to see relapse as a failure after a long/short period of success? That's what really gets me psyched, as after 40 days I was like I have come to far to turn back, and I made everyday count after that. Anyhow that just my thoughts.

My progress is going steady and fantastic, I might be able to lucid dream and I realized I movies that induce porno cause me to have some F**ed up dreams. So I steer clear away from such movies and by learning intentional sexual transmutation, I can now take in the external sexual stimulus in the outside world, like ads and billboards. Nopfap it self roots from ancient ideas on how to harness "sexual energy", as after a few days, instead resorting to release energy through ejaculation or fantasies you begin to release it through exercise, or work etc But yeah might sound mystical but we all felt its effect  ??? Anyhow todays a nice day, the suns out and I am not going to stay home and watch porn and lie on my bed a be depressed. Like everyday I make today count  ;D   go shopping with friends, go gym,study,party,meditate and anything to amplify my quality of life. After about a month of trying to be positive, I have don't need to try getting rid of negative emotions. Everyday I feel the warm of peoples care and love, lol after 80+ days it feels good to be a normal human being again and appreciate positive emotions ;D Peace

 

[Catch a Body]

Wow hearing your story is really motivating. A few more days and you will hit 90. That is like a dream for me to hit 90 days no PMO. I feel like my days are numbered by the time I finish my last exam and go home for the Christmas break! All my triggers are at home in the basement where I would Fap my whole damn life. Hopefully I can stay strong until I move back to school because I find it a lot easier being in a new environment surrounded by a bunch of different beautiful women that I would love to be with! I have to stay strong and try to get out of the house as much as I can when I return home. Hopefully by February 23, I will not have relapsed and be 90 days free of PMO!

 

[Ikeepmyselfanon]

Thanks dude, nice to hear I'm of some help, and yeah staying at home alone in my room was definitely the worst decision I made in my reboot phase. I have tried staying in front of family and stuff but it doesn't work unless they know about my addiction.(personal experience) You should hit that specific day where the addiction begins to wear off(for me it was 27 days), I call it the sweet spot. But yeah find out what works for you, Good Luck Man

 

[Ikeepmyselfanon]

I have been mindful recently of my thoughts and my body. Everyone is bound to get negative emotions. I realized I harbor onto my negative thoughts, but the past few days I visualize a nice stroll on the beach to replace it with, and it works great. This path of self development was a tremendous experience, especially releasing the capabilities that lie within ourselves if we break the barriers society has placed. My porn habit was the crux of my self sabotage, now I have been recovering exponentially and have developed a deep connection with who I am as a person. I am just focusing on self development, and have I developed a lot this year. Its like I am developing my philosophy on how I go about life, and I am learning more about myself and what I can do beyond the false bullshit society feeds me. I'm not enslaved by porn, nor do I waste energy on internet I just do what I love doing. Life's too short to dwindle at home with a laptop and tub of cream, there is soo much out there and so much people to share things with.

 

[Ikeepmyselfanon]

Okay so there is this one girl I regularly have sex with and she began to complain about how I objectify her and show no emotions during intercourse. I don't know about you guys but the only knowledge I have of sex is from porn, and I think this still has a lasting impact on me. I don't know if I'm aggressive or what but I can last long, well not 30mins but depending on how simulated or drunk I can last upto 20-25mins mins and sometimes when I'm sober I bust in 3 mins quite embarrassing. Anyway sex is nothing like the way its shown in porn, and there is a lot of effort. I am struggling to break the conditioning placed by porn, I get no gratification if I don't go fast or do missionary etc I have to impersonate porn techniques to make it feel good. Has anyone else had this experience :/ its ruining my sense of pleasure and a chance of taking it further with this girl- I need help

 

[Ikeepmyselfanon]

I have started up meditating and have been taking it quite seriously. I have realized to break the deep conditioning of porn I would have to go deep and be attuned with myself. So anyways I have started experiencing trippy sensations, i.e my body feels distorted sometimes I feel gigantic and sometimes I feel smaller than a needle etc this started to freak me out its like an OBE, I have become more calm and grounded. Its winter now and my energy is on a extreme down low, I assume I have winter blues because this always happens. Anyhow I am starting to realize I need to stop objectifying women, the same way porn does. I see girls as a means to an end, but I do that with everything from my education to my food and lifestyle. Maybe porn has taken a toll on my dopamine receptors and I can not enjoy things unless I gain something, or I have been conditioned to think in certain ways. Quitting porn has turned my life around, but it still has it effects psychologically :/ which is also shown in some of those messed up porno dreams that come randomly. lol I guess I would have to go deep in the rabbit hole, to break the conditioning. On the bright side this makes me immune to the friend zone because I cannot speak to a girl without being sexually implicit, which sometimes allows me to score...aside from girls I feel I'm perfectly normal I am scoring high on tests and I dominate in sports. I just need to work in being more humane to girls...

 

[OSS]

Hey man, huge congrats on 90 days! Sounds like shit's going great for the most part, good job!

I don't have a lot of experience with women so I'm not sure I can help, but I do understand the emotional distance you're describing because I'm the exact same way. Emotionless in the face of intimacy, I had a fuck buddy (even though I had complete PIED lol) for about 6 months on and off. I never once revealed any other emotions to her besides laughter, because I was mainly scared of being judged for having emotions as a male. A good place to start would be to figure out if anything other than your history with porn is influencing this (for example mine stem from parents relationship, insecurity and porn). Try talk to her and ask her to tell you if you're being too aggressive. Maybe you're too focused on other things (making a good impression, not Oing too fast etc) rather than focused on the enjoyment of the act?

Remember these porn pathways are deep and you're new to real physical interaction, it won't happen over night but just like how you reached 90 days no porn you'll eventually reach a place where you're able to have better sex. Take it slow and focus on the enjoyment of it rather than the end result (orgasm, good impressions...)

You could try meditating right before she comes over? This may help lighten your mood and be more in touch with your emotions.

 

[Ikeepmyselfanon]

Hey dude thanks alot i really needed that advice, your right my emotional repression stems from my household i don't want to dwell into those memories but i guess porn was the escape from physical abuse...which kinda explains why i used to always fight in school :/  anyways thats the only bleak moments thankfully but meditation takes me back to childhood moments, and i kinda make peace with myself as weird as that sounds.

I think breaking my porn addiction took me deeper into the ice berg, so i can tackle my psychological issues. I don't masturbate nor watch porn and feel amazing. Also im proud to have come this far i feel like a different person. But your right i haven't even talked to her about it and just realized she has been meaning to address the issue, i will definitely try meditating before i meet her

 

[Ikeepmyselfanon]

It is now winter here in England, and the weather literally sucks all the energy out of me. I have been wondering why I have been depressed even though things are going well, but it turns out I can't cope with the cold weather. I am 100% sure I have winter blues, it is kinda depressing, I have no energy and my libido has decreased dramatically. I am now meditating, and trying to workout but my body just wants to go sleep. This is also the season where my immune system goes on a complete down low, so I cannot exhaust myself or I will completely burn out. :/ Usually this time last year, I would be jacking of to porn and sleep throughout the day, which made me sick and feeble for a long time. I need to keep a good diet and regulate my energy.

Apart from the doom and gloom, I am trying to keep positive. At least i can take things slowly and reflect on how far I have come especially in my personal development. Also I am glad this winter I can do other things that stay in my basement and jack of to porn, its holidays now so I really look forward in seeing my family on Christmas ;D Also sleeping in winter times is quite nice and refreshing I feel totally relaxed with no stress on my shoulders. lol just writing this I feel much better, the glass shall stay half full