The Dude Wannabe
Member
Currently I'm 26 days in. There have been easy days and not such easy days. I haven't experienced any "coming out of a fog" or clarity of thought. I do feel better about myself though. I appreciate not having to look over my shoulder, always being afraid of being caught. I appreciate that the relationship between my wife and I might be getting better. Sex is better.
I've got an impossible goal: To try and make myself worthy. I've gotten my soul dirty. My first attempt was to forfeit my life. It took me a while to realize that is what I did though. I put myself in the position to save other people while putting myself in peril. I tried to "buy" my soul back by doing this. I did it, a bunch. It wasn't enough. I was still dead inside; not right; different; damaged. With some assistance I figured out what I had done and why. That's when I realized I had a seriously damaged soul. I've got a LOT of work to do to fix it. Attempt #1 didn't work. so I'm on attempt #2: Actually address the problem. That's why I'm doing this.
I've had lots done by me and to me sexually. I'm going to try and put that right. I don't really know what "normal" is but I'm going to try to get there. I do know what abnormal is. Engaging in PMO is abnormal. Most everything we've ever seen in P is abnormal. Bringing those things into your relationship is abnormal.
So I quit. (Well, ok. It was 50% this and 50% things coming to a head with my wife.) My sincere hope is that I'll make my soul healthy again and feel some sort of Divinity come back into me. I know there is Something out there, but I've been really far away from It for a long time. I've seen too much bad stuff done in the name of different people's religion to be able to trust organized religion. I'm hoping the Something comes back to me. Cleaning out the PMO will hopefully help set the conditions for this to happen. We'll see.....
I've got an impossible goal: To try and make myself worthy. I've gotten my soul dirty. My first attempt was to forfeit my life. It took me a while to realize that is what I did though. I put myself in the position to save other people while putting myself in peril. I tried to "buy" my soul back by doing this. I did it, a bunch. It wasn't enough. I was still dead inside; not right; different; damaged. With some assistance I figured out what I had done and why. That's when I realized I had a seriously damaged soul. I've got a LOT of work to do to fix it. Attempt #1 didn't work. so I'm on attempt #2: Actually address the problem. That's why I'm doing this.
I've had lots done by me and to me sexually. I'm going to try and put that right. I don't really know what "normal" is but I'm going to try to get there. I do know what abnormal is. Engaging in PMO is abnormal. Most everything we've ever seen in P is abnormal. Bringing those things into your relationship is abnormal.
So I quit. (Well, ok. It was 50% this and 50% things coming to a head with my wife.) My sincere hope is that I'll make my soul healthy again and feel some sort of Divinity come back into me. I know there is Something out there, but I've been really far away from It for a long time. I've seen too much bad stuff done in the name of different people's religion to be able to trust organized religion. I'm hoping the Something comes back to me. Cleaning out the PMO will hopefully help set the conditions for this to happen. We'll see.....