Happy New Year gentlemen!
It's been an amazing week and a half since I last posted - an intense travel schedule combined with the spending the holiday with my partner. We had four days together. On Christmas morning he asked me about my reboot, and wanted to talk about where we are with our agreements around sex outside the relationship. It was a good conversation. Then we had his family over for the day.
Later that night when we were alone I noticed it was bringing up a lot of emotion in me. We sat and talked and tears welled up in me, and I shared my fears about not knowing where this is all heading for me - I don't know if sex is going to work well for me in or outside of our relationship. He was loving and understanding and we ended up hugging and I started feeling intimate. (Possible trigger material): We took a shower together and he got me hard. We moved to the bedroom and went for it. It's been quite awhile (months) since we'd had sex, and a couple months since I started my reboot and had any sexual activity. So it all felt a little wonky in my head. After the initial erect response, my boner didn't hold up. I thought about just stopping, but he seemed really turned on, and the intimate connection felt good, so I continued and we both O'd, though I was only partially erect. (end)
The next morning he asked how I was doing, and again emotion welled up and I shared that, while there were wonderful parts of our intimacy, I felt sad about my equipment's performance. He made a valiant effort to assuage my feelings, it was really endearing. For me it was very helpful just to express my feelings.
We were both leaving town that afternoon and laid down for a short nap together, after a hectic couple days of holiday activity. Possible trigger material): I was nestling in hoping to catch a little sleep when he spooned me and had a raging boner (no ED issues on his end!). Then I got hard and stayed pretty hard and we had quite a fun romp. To O and beyond. (end) Afterward he was very cute and sweet with his enthusiasm for my 'success,' clearly caring and hoping I was feeling it. I did feel a sense of success, in addition to gratitude for his love, for the intimacy and the fun.
I don't at all feel that my reboot is complete. In fact I had wondered whether it would be better to avoid intimacy with him until I did. But I'm very glad all that happened. It felt like an early taste of 'rewiring.' And through several phone conversations we've had since then, when he has again brought the subject up and asked how I'm doing, I'm touched by his love and concern. And his willingness to let me share my insecurity and be there for me.
I waited to see if I were going to experience the 'chaser' effect, and I did notice it. It wasn't overpowering, but for the next few days there was a recurring impulse, not to PMO, but to hookup. I happened to be in two different situations where a familiar hookup was readily available. I watched my mind considering it, and then thought "Okay, let's really look at this. Is this going to move my reboot forward? No." End of consideration, end of impulses. One thing I liked about the impulse, though, was that it felt more like actual 'horniness' instead of the urge to 'get off.'
In the last ten days I also noticed another possible withdrawal symptom for a few nights, this time a bit of insomnia, rare for me.
I finished reading "Cruise Control," (such a wealth of information), and started reading the "YBOP" book again. Feels helpful to repeat it.
I've been keeping up on a lot of the posts in here. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in the wrong place. It seems like a lot of the guys are coming from a religious/morality perspective, or one in which the only viable option for sexuality is intimacy within committed monogamy. However, one thing I definitely appreciate about this forum is the respectful and supportive way everyone shares. Our culture is so polarized these days. The way it's presented in the media, people only want to hear what they agree with, and they demonize those who disagree. So I really like seeing the interaction here between men who may have quite different values, beliefs and lifestyles, supporting each other with respect and being genuine.
As I read numerous posts that seem to steer in the direction of 'monogamy and intimacy as the only healthy option,' I feel conflicted. I have considered that it might end up being the right option for me, and I'm open to that. I had five years of monogamy (on my part) earlier in my relationship, and it worked very well for me. But I'm not intending or planning that outcome. My relationship isn't set up that way. It's possible recreational sex can be a healthy option for some men. It seems to be the case for my partner. So, we'll see...
Those are my thoughts on this beautiful NY Eve. Off to enjoy time with a dear friend. Wishing you all well, and grateful for your presence and support.
