Gay guy reboot

[lyon03]

Excellent post my friend. You are a very talented writer so I encourage you to keep sharing your reboot journey. You wrote something about living in the moment that really resonated with me. I probably didn't understand the concept of 'being present' until about last October. While a porn addict, my addiction was like a squirrel running around in my head. It distracted me from my life while also burdening me with a crushing sense of guilt/shame. Like you, I'm also enjoying the happiness that comes from living porn-free. But you completely nailed it: once free of addiction it gives me the peace of mind to deal with the highs, and sometimes lows, of my life. You're right that this is more of a life reboot. Be well my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[avesraggiana]

Thank you so much for sharing your success.  What you've written inspires me to look back on the last thirteen months since my joining reboot nation. I know the successes have been there for me too. 

You're the third friend in a fortnight, amongst my friends in reboot nation, who has reminded to take a closer look at popcorn substitues and dopamine hits.  If I'm being honest with myself,  it won't take me long to realise that I haven't been completely scrupulous in not engaging in those behaviors - I engage sexual thoughts all the time, and while they feel good in the moment, I'm becoming aware of the possibility that doing so sets me back.

Thank you for your intelligently written and inspiring report.

 

[Excelsior]

Congratulations on making your mark that you set out for yourself! I very much enjoy reading your posts and the encouragement that they offer. Chin up and don't look back!

 

[Phase2]

Congratulations Now Man. 90 Days is a profound achievement--proud of you! You write so well and have a clear, intellectual take on things: your contributions to Reboot Nation are very important so thank you from all of us for that! I'm sure you've helped a lot of us more than you know.

You have inspired me to stay strong against the P-subs. I dumped Scruff again about a month ago and plan to stay free of it. Without any real agenda, I have noticed I've drastically slowed down on my drinking too. I'm not sure if it's related to my reboot: it didn't start until recently--a year into it, but I welcome it. Clean living with a clear head (minus squirrels running around in it--haha Lyon), that sounds good to me.

Cheers everyone. Stay strong!

 

[now-man]

Hello gentlemen,

Day 101 PMO and MO free. I?ve been keeping up on the posts here and feel supported by that. There?s a lot of really thoughtful, heartfelt sharing going on, and beautiful, loving support between the men in here. I?m really touched by it.

I?ve had a lot more close female friends than male friends in my life. I have valued women?s willingness to be vulnerable and share openly. I have thought that men didn?t have those qualities. I wonder now if it?s been more a case of me not being willing to be open and vulnerable with men. As a gay boy growing up in a military family I always thought it was just being smart to protect myself from ridicule. So I think I?ve been quite guarded in my interactions with men.

Whether that was a helpful strategy or not, my eyes are open now to a different perspective. I am very moved by the communication going on here between men. It?s one of the gifts to come out of the dysfunction of porn - for us to be sharing the basics about our sexuality, our fears, our equipment failure, our relationship struggles; and the ripples that flow out from there into our self esteem, shame, anxiety, and how to live each day.

I feel such connection with you men, and such gratitude for your honesty. Yes, it?s online and anonymous, but in a way that doesn?t matter - we?re human beings making contact, and from the stuff I?m reading, it?s the real deal. In some ways the anonymity and written format allow for more openness, without the filters of personality, identity, body.

I also feel myself relating to men in ?real life? differently, affected by what I?ve experienced here. I?m seeing men more without my filter of protection. They seem more endearing, I?m more open and interested. Actually, there are ways I sometimes find women annoying - talking too much, interrupting, over sensitive, emotionally needy - and I?m appreciating the male contrast - say what you mean, get to the point, stand up for yourself, show some guts. Of course these are generalizations, but I appreciate them in a new way.

So thank you men, you fucking rock!

My reboot is flowing along nicely. I have been home for a solid month, very unusual for me as I travel most of the time for work. I?ve loved being earthbound at home. I went off coffee, just figuring I?d throw another little log on the fire of this reboot. I really love coffee. I look forward to resuming our love affair. And for now, a little adrenal rest couldn?t hurt.

My partner has passed through several times in his travels, and we?ve had lovely close time together. Both of us getting over colds, then me recovering from minor surgery, so mostly low key. But I did get randy one day. (Possible trigger material): We were sitting together working when I snuggled up to him for a bit, and before you know it we got in the shower and he got me good and hard and brought me to O. It was especially nice because I didn't even touch myself, just made out with him and held onto him. (end)

I would say my boner gave it?s best performance to date. Looking forward to more

 

[lyon03]

100+ days! Where did the time go? Reading your posts is like getting an unexpected email from an old friend so thank you. For everyone who is wondering how reboot can change their lives, you've demonstrated how we can change in just two to three months. I particularly loved this:

"So I think I?ve been quite guarded in my interactions with men. Whether that was a helpful strategy or not, my eyes are open now to a different perspective. I am very moved by the communication going on here between men. It?s one of the gifts to come out of the dysfunction of porn - for us to be sharing the basics about our sexuality, our fears, our equipment failure, our relationship struggles; and the ripples that flow out from there into our self esteem, shame, anxiety, and how to live each day.
I feel such connection with you men, and such gratitude for your honesty. Yes, it?s online and anonymous, but in a way that doesn?t matter - we?re human beings making contact, and from the stuff I?m reading, it?s the real deal. In some ways the anonymity and written format allow for more openness, without the filters of personality, identity, body. I also feel myself relating to men in ?real life? differently, affected by what I?ve experienced here. I?m seeing men more without my filter of protection. They seem more endearing, I?m more open and interested. Actually, there are ways I sometimes find women annoying - talking too much, interrupting, over sensitive, emotionally needy - and I?m appreciating the male contrast - say what you mean, get to the point, stand up for yourself, show some guts. Of course these are generalizations, but I appreciate them in a new way."

I re-read this section substituting the word 'men' for 'me' because I think you've also started to see yourself differently. I've often referred to my own addiction as a 'porn fog' or 'porn glasses.' It was impossible for me to see the goodness in people (particularly men) when all I saw were potential extras in a mental porn orgy. Years of porn addiction wrongly trained my brain to see sex everywhere. You've reminded me that long-term friendship, caring, and intimacy are much more fulfilling than short-term erections & orgasms. Don't get me wrong, I love sex. But I now see sex as more of an intimate connection rather than some exercise that ends in a squirt. You're like the gay Oprah of reboot! "Now you get a car, and you get a car!" Happy Friday my friend. I hope to meet you some day for cocktails and a few laughs.

 

[thewhitewindow]

Hey Now-Man,

I sent you an email asking about what the 3 principles were.  As a gay man myself I just want to congratulate you on your reboot. Day 3 of my reboot and trying to 'get clean' of 20 years of addiction to porn and sex.  Your words are very wise and and something I am looking up to.  You're really an inspiration to me.

I just posted something about my 'Day 3' in My Darkness (my story).  Making this forum count and work for me. 

Thank You and I'm so proud of you.

 

[harry]

Hey now-man,

What an extraordinary post. You really captured the essence of how I feel about this forum. I was explaining it to a friend the other day, and I told him how touched and moved I am by the fact that men, who are total strangers, can come together in such a supportive and helpful way. Sure, the anonymity helps, but I agree with you, it doesn't really matter. There is a real connection taking place on this site, and people are improving their lives as a result.

I am really grateful to have stumbled upon this forum.

 

[now-man]

Thank you gents, sweet to hear from you.

Okay Lyon, if I'm the "gay Oprah of Reboot" (ROFLMAO!!) ;D you've given me the perfect opening for what I came back to post.

TheWhiteWindow asked me about something I'd made reference to early in my journal, and this was my response to him:

The reference to The Three Principals is something that RN member Patrick shared with me. Here's a link: www.3pgc.org
I visited the site and saw that it could be helpful. I didn't really dive into it so I can't tell you much about it. You might reach out to Patrick for more information.

Something that I have gone into in depth is The Work of Byron Katie. I've taken a lot of different paths in my life in the self-help, life enhancement, spirituality domain. I've gotten tremendous benefits from all of them. But nothing comes close to the profound peace and understanding I found through Byron Katie's inquiry method.

It's a process of questioning your thoughts and beliefs, elegant in it's simplicity, but with radical (in the best possible way) results. It's a system of inquiry in which you guide yourself and find your own answers to some basic questions. It's a way of healing the mind from what turns out to be simple and innocent misunderstandings - the source of suffering. You can read her book "Loving What Is", and she also has a website with lots of information, videos, resources: www.thework.com

I'm glad you asked TWW, I hadn't thought to share this before.

Also, thanks TWW for bringing me and several others across the boundary or our 40+ thread. It's great to share support across the border!

 

[Harry Molaski]

I'm going to stick around for the free iPad giveaway, Oprah!
Harry

 

[thewhitewindow]

Thanks again Now-Man, today has been a windstorm of crying like a guest on Dr Phil to just going outside without my phone on me and staring at the river near my house. 

I was given the following video by Harry M (thanks buddy) that vid is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98ApKUqb-RQ  it perfectly sums up my inner demons about being gay.  I'm not closeted, people know I'm gay, but I have always judged gay men because I hated myself.  I was never taught how to love myself from the people who were supposed to love me the most.  No wonder I chose porn.  No wonder. 

Delving into all those links you've been posting and educating myself beyond words.  Williams post is a hit.  I bookmarked it and made it a screen lock on my desktop.  This one if anyone's interested.  http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1256.0

My main question is this:  Why isn't the US government pumping millions into protecting and education on this?  It should be so much more visible.  I guess it took years before scientists realized cigarettes cased lung cancer, maybe it'll take just as long for porn. 

 

[now-man]

Hahahaha Harry M - you want a car and an iPad? How about a nice glass of prune juice to go with it?  ;D

TWW, thanks for the video link, I'll check it out.

As far as your questions about campaigns for rebooting, and getting this message out in the world, my thought is don't worry about that right now. Just focus on you and getting through this. The world will take care of itself. The best way I can help it along is to take care of me.

There's a really interesting chapter in Gary Wilson's book about how this information is going to move in the world. It may take awhile. We're pioneers in a new domain of understanding. So you could consider yourself lucky.

 

[now-man]

Someone recently mentioned an amusing aphorism in a post somewhere in here, something to the effect of: If you want to find out how enlightened you are, spend a week with your mother.

Or in my case, a day.

I've come to visit her for a few days. My, she's something. Let's just say - it's not easy being her. And in that sense, my heart goes out to her. (After my brain has silently screamed oh my m*ther f**king g*d! Are you kidding me!!?)

Interestingly what I noticed, when my discomfort started to rise and the internal noise level got loud, was that the thought of jerking off was right there, subtle, quiet, waiting like it would be a good solution later.

I kind of thought "Wow - smooth. Nice try." It's the first time in my reboot the thought of masturbating has appeared like a good idea. It hadn't even escalated to the thought of looking at porn, just this familiar sense of "oh, I'll make myself feel better later" to compensate for putting up with this madwoman (bless her heart). So who's not sane in this picture?

Fortunately I wasn't going to follow that slick little trail. And I had Reboot Nation to visit later, where I read Harry Molaski's excellent, revealing replay of a relapse, and saw that could have been me. Thank you Harry M!

I've been awake for awhile now in the wee hours, ruminating. Then I just remembered that today is my birthday. And  I realized I have some thoughts about it that I want to hide. Inspired by Harry M's example, here's what I don't want to say: I'm afraid I'm over the hill. I found myself thinking yesterday "oh, 54 is still young (the last remnant), but 55!" It's hilarious really - what a drama queen! Like the hours between yesterday and today have wrought some irrevocable change. A digit.

I even wondered if my RN profile would automatically display my new age (humiliatingly) or if I could just remain here in the gauzy youthfulness of 54!, fooling everyone. Oy, embarrassing.

People tell me I look much younger, 10 to 15 years, they're shocked. And I bend toward that as a flattering compliment. Watching for signs of it slipping away. And the internal result is fear.

I'm 55 f**king years old. I want to just be as I am. Isn't it silly how I make it all mean something?

Reminds me of my dear mother. Bless my heart.

 

[bob]

Happy Birthday Now-Man!

Just want to tell you to have a great day and that you are still a kid.  8) Take care and be strong.

Peace

 

[now-man]

Just ending a lovely birthday, spent with my mom. After achieving a little sanity at 4 am by posting in here, I got to have a very sweet day with her. It only took getting clear about where the source of trouble lies when I'm annoyed and impatient, and it ain't over there.

Grateful for this amazing forum, and a year ahead of more health, more joy, more connection, inside and out.

 

[Harry Molaski]

Hi nowman,

Congratulations! And great writing. Here's my birthday gift to you. A poem by the Caribbean author Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.​

 

[avesraggiana]

Hi nowman,

Congratulations! And great writing. Here's my birthday gift to you. A poem by the Caribbean author Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.​

That?s beautiful, Harry.  Even though you intended it as a gift for Now-man, thank you for sharing it with the rest of us.

 

[now-man]

Beautiful. Wow. So beautiful. Thank you Harry M. I'm very touched by that.

It really describes the truth for all of us, even when we live in confusion - that wisdom and heart are always there waiting patiently with us.

 

[marsturm]

Happy belated birthday, now-man! Wishing you much love and happiness.

 

[now-man]

For the first time since I started my reboot I had a chance hookup. My erection worked somewhat, but less well than it had been working with my partner. I missed the closeness I?ve been feeling with him, and the experience left me feeling like I?d rather be sharing sex only with my partner for now. Which felt good. I figured that was a worthwhile experience.

And then came the chaser effect.

After five glorious weeks of being home, I went back out on my work travel schedule. Last night I had a couple drinks with a colleague at the hotel bar.

When I went back to my room I decided to go on my hookup email, which I haven?t checked in 78 days. I?ve thought about checking it recently, but concluded it would be better to wait. Being a little buzzed removed that inhibition. I had two hookup budddies whom I had told, at the start of my reboot, that I would be unavailable for 3 months. That time has passed. I wanted to check to see who may have contacted me.

There were a couple of emails from past hookups asking if I was available. One of them got my attention, and I responded, opening the possibility for meeting next week, depending on travel schedule.

Then I closed the email and went to bed. I woke up in the middle of the night and had a wave of remorse about even going into that email. Today I?ve had mixed feelings about it. At one point I thought - ?well, maybe if the schedule works out, I?ll just do the hookup and take a pill to get hard.? I can see my mind is struggling. I don?t want to force myself into some kind of guilt trip around sex. But I don?t want to lose ground in my reboot.

The truth is, I haven?t gotten to the point that I feel fully ?rebooted? in the ED department. And to paraphrase a friend, ?why am I pursuing a hookup when my dick doesn't work right?? (yet.)

Phase2 and others have recently said in numerous posts - if you want to get through this to the other side, go hard. So for now, I think I should forget about hooking up, avoid dick pills, ignore hot guys. I guess I should even stop looking at the sports pages. I have justified that it?s such a very small thing, but I suppose it?s a very small hit of dopamine, and my mind is succeeding in having just that little hold. Maybe I need to squelch it.

The alcohol factor is clear - I?ve been drinking way less the last couple months, almost not at all, and I can see it?s been very good for me. I can probably do one drink and be fine, but more than one and it?s just an opening for mischief. Easier to just go without.