I want my life back! (OCD, Depression and Porn Addiction)

[Alanator]

Hey everyone

finally found some time to post on here. Anyway, my name's Alan, I'm 17 and a porn addict.
I discovered porn at the age of 9 or 10. One of my buddies had a huge collection of images and videos... and yeah you name it. Back then I didn't have an internet connection at home and I didn't know about masturbation, but porn really aroused me and I liked looking at it. So yeah, years passed (fast forward to 14) and I got an internet connection at home. My parents set up some kind of blocker for porn and whatnot... but I managed to get around it and that's when it all started. Whenever I wanted to do stuff I'd either watch TV (late night stuff) or porn, I know I could've used my imagination, but why use it when you have porn? - Dumbest statement ever.

So yeah, throughout the years my imagination got worse and worse and now I'm here. Whenever I try to imagine something I end up seeing porn flashbacks.
Another thing is, that only porn or thoughts about porn get me going. (You could say my natural libido is kind of gone?)

I used to masturbate up to 3x daily. Whenever I was bored I'd watch NSFW stuff, or look at pics. So yeah, HELL.

I also suffer from Depression and (self-diagnosed) Pure-O OCD. (Relationship OCD and HOCD/Gay OCD). It really bothers me.
Currently, I'm in a long distance relationship with the most amazing girl ever, but yeah my ROCD and HOCD kinda f**k things up...
We'd sometimes have some fun on cam and it couldn't get me going... really depressing! I had to imagine porn scenarios to get it done.

So yeah, I quit porn a few weeks ago (maybe a month?) but I relapsed on Thursday and Friday and it's killing me... I know it won't set me back to day 1 but still... it's just dumb.

Anyways, I'll keep you guys updated.

Question: Should I try to quit both, porn and masturbation or?

 

[MeepMan]

I'd recommend quitting both for a while at least. Quitting porn but continuing to masturbate will tempt you towards watching some again. Not to mention you'll be firing up the pathways in your brain linked to porn when you're fapping. You'll notice some other benfits from not masturbating too, like more energy, a clearer mind and having more motivation

 

[Alanator]

Gotcha, thanks for the reply!

I'll keep you updated.

 

[Alanator]

3 days without porn and I feel kind of okay about that... only thing I hate are flashbacks.
Like I said, I suffer (Pure-O) OCD and combined with the flashbacks = HELL.

The good part: I managed to get off to my girl's pics. Is that a good sign?

 

[MeepMan]

It's better than watching porn, however it's still not great as you're using mental stimulation from a computer to masturbate to. You'll just end up trading porn for pictures instead which could still be a problem. If you have to masturbate try and do it to sensation alone or involve your girlfriend 

 

[Alanator]

We're in a long distance relationship :/

But I get your point. Both her and I wanna try to not masturbate for 2 weeks.

Thanks for your post though

 

[Alanator]

I'm gonna try quitting masturbation for a while now too... means porn and masturbation.

Should I also delete my girl's pics that are a little "more showing"?

 

[Alanator]

Sigh, I relapsed... to NSFW pics... I'm so bad at this. This was the last time! I'm gonna quit now for good.

 

[Alanator]

Another minor relapse yet it's killing me... I was doing it to my girlfriends pictures (I'm only edging, but I wanna quit that too I guess) and then I took a short break and checked instagram and I kinda continued masturbating and ended up mixing up my thoughts of my gf with some chick I saw in the pic. It's so tiring.

 

[Alanator]

Reached my 3 day (almost 4) goal of not doing it. Might do it on cam with my girlfriend tonight - we tried yesterday but I couldn't stay hard for some reason. (Probably anxiety)

 

[Alanator]

Had my last orgasm last night by fantasizing about my girlfriend. Now quitting masturbation and porn.. the edging part will be the hardest
Some of the porn induced fetishes are fading away, yet one is bugging me and I'm scared of it turning out to be a real fetish of mine. It might be the OCD... I dunno.

I recently started seeing her cuckolding me with a bigger dude and it turns me on yet it scares the hell out of me, and I can't shake  it off for some reason. (I fuckin hope it's OCD and not real me)
My desire has always been to have sex with a woman - Only me and her. And now this crap comes up. Is it porn induced? Please tell me it's not real me!!! I experience similar desires just like with HOCD to have the desire to be with a man... so it might be OCD. Can someone relate? I don't want those unwanted sexual thoughts and images!!!

 

[MeepMan]

I experience similar desires just like with HOCD to have the desire to be with a man... so it might be OCD. Can someone relate? I don't want those unwanted sexual thoughts and images!!!

I've experienced the exact same, I believe it is still leftover from porn addiction. If you've never wanted to be in a relationship
with a guy or to kiss a guy then I think it is just a porn addiction fetish. I know what it's like, you can drive yourself insane thinking
about it. It's best to just keep away from any sexual thoughts at all.

 

[Alanator]

So you think the cuckolding thing just porn induced?
I always end up picturing her having sex with another guys (gangbang and cuckold) and I seem to enjoy it, yet it scares the crap out of me.

My OCD has come up with a lot of crap, so this might also be OCD.

I'm scared of it being real

 

[Gabe Deem]

@ Alanator

So you think the cuckolding thing just porn induced?

Here is what you need to do regardless... stop thinking about it for awhile. Let your brain completely rest from intentional sexual thoughts. If something pops up in your head acknowledge it then let it fade away, don't fight the thought, as that will only make it worse. Just let it pass by itself, ride the thought wave if you will.

You need to go through a reboot and see how you feel. I would also pursue things or people that you want to, without worrying about anything related to sex. As your brain regains balance and the porn pathways weaken it will be easier to tell what is naturally you.

We can always wire our brains up to new things... so let that give you hope. Focus on pursuing what you want, not on fighting what you don't want.

 

[Alanator]

I see.

Did you have any porn induced fetishes, Gabe?
I watched all your videos, but I couldn't find any information regarding that.

 

[Gabe Deem]

@ Alanator

Did you have any porn induced fetishes

Yup, I sure did. My tastes escalated into wanting anal sex, deep throat, cumming on faces, and a few other things.. my desire for these has gone away after rebooting.

 

[Alanator]

I can relate to the anal and cumming and whatnot...  so I guess it's just porn induced. Thanks for opening our eyes, Gabe.

Like you said in your video, if I could go back in time I'd fuckin slap myself not only once but 50 times. If I only knew what porn would do to me ugh.
Porn addiction and OCD is hell bro, especially if you're trying to save your future marriage (I'm kinda engaged..)

I'll keep you updated.

 

[MeepMan]

I was really into all that stuff when I was watching. Anal sex seemed weird when I first started but it became a bit of a fetish/obsession as did deep throating. Porn tastes escalate to nasty levels.

 

[Alanator]

I agree, MeepMan.

Day 19 off porn and almost 2 days of no orgasm... I'm suicidal and depressed. Kinda craving porn and sex but I'll not give in.
OCD and withdrawal sucks.

 

[Alanator]

Experiencing a slight flatline and brain fog. The depression is high.
I also had semen leakage while peeing? At least its the first time I noticed it now.

And I found a bruise on the backside of my dick... Is that common or should I see my doc?
I heard about the blue balls thing, does that apply to rebooters?