The life of Pi

[Pi]

I've been slipping a lot recently, so much that I haven't wanted to post here. It's made me question if I'm authentic about wanting to quit PMO.  I started posting at YBR nearly a year ago. I don't want to feel like a fraud, or that I am making no progress, or that I have nothing new to say. I've had to get a few days under my belt to validate posting in this journal.

Now that I'm coming up on a week free, the real work can begin. LTE says that we are always in control. I get that, and ultimately that's what it comes down to. At the same time, I know how easy it can be for things can change in an instant. I cannot honestly say "this time will be different" because I have been here so many times before. All I can realistically do is take one day at a time.

So I have very mixed feelings about the progress I am making (or the lack thereof). Enough about that, for now.

Just got back from 3 days away visiting the extended family. We stayed in a small town in a house with no internet, and although it would have been easy to visit an internet cafe to catch up with email, etc., (I deliberately don't own a smart phone), I enjoyed being offline for 3 days. Being away like that is one of my favorite lessons that I don't miss not having the internet. I will enjoy having the same lesson again in a few months from now, when we all meet up again at the same place for another weekend.

My father has been unwell for about a year now. Last year he accepted that he would never drive again and sold his car. This weekend he offered one of his motorcycles (his pride and joy) to my brother and I. The offer was made with the warmest of intentions: if either of us would get pleasure or enjoyment from having it, he would be delighted to pass it on. I will be declining the offer. I used to love to ride, but I haven't owned a motorcycle or ridden regularly for about 20 years, now. This particular motorcycle is an old bike, and it's not my thing to spend evenings and weekends tinkering with it to keep it running. The motorcycle represents hope that my father will ride again. Once it is gone, so is the hope. Yet, I admire him for facing the facts and making the decision to move on with life.

 

[Mart71]

Hi Pi,
I am sorry to read you are struggling so much with PMO. I hope you find a way away from porn, that works for you.

About internet access. In the past, the first thing I would do when coming home was starting the computer, checking E-Mail, reading my favorite sites, spending time online. It was like a ritual. Often led to PMO as well.

During my reboot, I recently moved into a new house. I made a point to have the main computer with internet access only in my study and keeping the computer in the living room mostly for offline tasks. My time online has therefore been reduced significantly during my reboot and it made me feel much better overall. There have been other factors as well, especially my gf moving in with me, but I feel sort of liberated from the grasp of being online so much. This almost feels better than the feeling of not living with porn in my life, which happened at the same time.

Good Luck to you!

 

[LTE]

I've been slipping a lot recently, so much that I haven't wanted to post here. It's made me question if I'm authentic about wanting to quit PMO.  I started posting at YBR nearly a year ago. I don't want to feel like a fraud, or that I am making no progress, or that I have nothing new to say. I've had to get a few days under my belt to validate posting in this journal.

Now that I'm coming up on a week free, the real work can begin. LTE says that we are always in control. I get that, and ultimately that's what it comes down to. At the same time, I know how easy it can be for things can change in an instant. I cannot honestly say "this time will be different" because I have been here so many times before. All I can realistically do is take one day at a time.

So I have very mixed feelings about the progress I am making (or the lack thereof). Enough about that, for now.

Just got back from 3 days away visiting the extended family. We stayed in a small town in a house with no internet, and although it would have been easy to visit an internet cafe to catch up with email, etc., (I deliberately don't own a smart phone), I enjoyed being offline for 3 days. Being away like that is one of my favorite lessons that I don't miss not having the internet. I will enjoy having the same lesson again in a few months from now, when we all meet up again at the same place for another weekend.

My father has been unwell for about a year now. Last year he accepted that he would never drive again and sold his car. This weekend he offered one of his motorcycles (his pride and joy) to my brother and I. The offer was made with the warmest of intentions: if either of us would get pleasure or enjoyment from having it, he would be delighted to pass it on. I will be declining the offer. I used to love to ride, but I haven't owned a motorcycle or ridden regularly for about 20 years, now. This particular motorcycle is an old bike, and it's not my thing to spend evenings and weekends tinkering with it to keep it running. The motorcycle represents hope that my father will ride again. Once it is gone, so is the hope. Yet, I admire him for facing the facts and making the decision to move on with life.

You have to resolve that this is a lifestyle change. It's not about number of days, it's about drawing a line in the sand and having that be the end point for PMO in your life. You have to tell yourself that Apr 22 was the last time ever and stick by it.

Sad to hear about your father's decline but, at least he's philosophical about it.

 

[Pi]

About internet access. In the past, the first thing I would do when coming home was starting the computer, checking E-Mail, reading my favorite sites, spending time online. It was like a ritual. Often led to PMO as well.

During my reboot, I recently moved into a new house. I made a point to have the main computer with internet access only in my study and keeping the computer in the living room mostly for offline tasks. My time online has therefore been reduced significantly during my reboot and it made me feel much better overall. There have been other factors as well, especially my gf moving in with me, but I feel sort of liberated from the grasp of being online so much. This almost feels better than the feeling of not living with porn in my life, which happened at the same time.

You have to resolve that this is a lifestyle change. It's not about number of days, it's about drawing a line in the sand and having that be the end point for PMO in your life. You have to tell yourself that Apr 22 was the last time ever and stick by it.

Thanks for the suggestions, Mart and LTE. Yep, a lifestyle change is what I am need of. Eating breakfast in the kitchen instead of  in front of the computer in my home office, and reading books in the evening instead of mindless internet browsing, are two simple places to start.

I'm playing catch-up, and also wanted to acknowledge Cosmo, Jverhoye, Viper, The Dude and Gabe for writing encouraging comments in this journal. I haven't been very communicative; that's a reflection of my neglectful attitude towards life over the past month. We're a small community at the moment so the support is particularly invaluable and has been appreciated.

 

[Jverhoye]

How's it going, Pi?  We are all still here

 

[Pi]

All good here. Having a busy and physical weekend. Went for a long run and did a time trial in preparation for the next race 3 weeks from now. Split and moved a pile of firewood from a felled tree.

Coming up to nearly a week PMO free. This is when I've been relapsing over the last few months. Now when the thought to PMO pops into my head, I tell myself that I don't do that any more, and move on to something else.

 

[LTE]

All good here. Having a busy and physical weekend. Went for a long run and did a time trial in preparation for the next race 3 weeks from now. Split and moved a pile of firewood from a felled tree.

Coming up to nearly a week PMO free. This is when I've been relapsing over the last few months. Now when the thought to PMO pops into my head, I tell myself that I don't do that any more, and move on to something else.

Just remember, giving in never brings satisfaction, just frustration.

 

[Pi]

Well I haven't written here in two weeks as I have slipped several times. I was going to walk away from this forum as it seems like I am not making progress. Yesterday, I read a couple of chapters of Breaking the Cycle. It's well written and contains stuff I can relate to. It gave me some hope. I thought about some of the exercises and did some of the breathing. I'm going to have to read the book several times to take it in. My addict's name (from Chapter 2) is Mr Loser. Remembering that helped get me through today. Here's to a good tomorrow.

 

[LTE]

Well I haven't written here in two weeks as I have slipped several times. I was going to walk away from this forum as it seems like I am not making progress. Yesterday, I read a couple of chapters of Breaking the Cycle. It's well written and contains stuff I can relate to. It gave me some hope. I thought about some of the exercises and did some of the breathing. I'm going to have to read the book several times to take it in. My addict's name (from Chapter 2) is Mr Loser. Remembering that helped get me through today. Here's to a good tomorrow.

There's a lot of wisdom and experience in that book. I could relate to so much that was covered.

Keep with it, friend

 

[Pi]

Here I am again, not much to write about, but was considering embarking on the "P" part of PMO. I have ended up here, instead. Now back on track, at least for the moment, making plans for what remains of the day. All is good.

 

[LTE]

Here I am again, not much to write about, but was considering embarking on the "P" part of PMO. I have ended up here, instead. Now back on track, at least for the moment, making plans for what remains of the day. All is good.

You made the right choice.

 

[Pi]

You made the right choice.

I made the right choice, but when it came time to make the decision again on the next day, I made a different choice. It's disappointing.

I've been here before and it's familiar territory. The influencing factors were:
1. Some spare time.
2. In the house, on my own.
3. Tired (several days after a hectic and somewhat stressful weekend).

These seem to be the crucial factors for me, a bad combination. Any single one, I can normally handle. Usually I can handle two of them, and sometimes all three. This time, as often in the past, I just gave in.

There has been no "chaser" effect. I do not want to re-indulge and am eager to get back to being "clean". My mood was positive and I was functioning well during the 12 days free of PMO. I want that back. Even if I only had 12 days free, that is much better than PMO every day as it was in my former life up to about 12 months ago. I will not give up. I am determined to beat this.

 

[Pi]

Another confluence of factors 1, 2 and 3 from the previous post (spare time, on my own, tired) occurred today, and the idea to PMO popped into my mind. My resolve to stay free is still fresh and strong after the last relapse, so I got myself out of the house, instead. Glad I did, as Mrs Pi's car broke down today, and I was able to help out when I got the call. It's much better to be able to effectively respond to a crisis, even after only 5 days free. PMO, on the other hand, is just enfeebling.

I'm away on another business trip next week and want to perform well. Staying away from PMO will be one key to this (although I don't kid myself that it will solve all, or any, of my problems).

Days 1 and 2 after a session of PMO are absolute s**t, and you'd think knowing this would be enough incentive not to go there again. But the body and mind forget this unpleasantness (just as they forget pain). Day 3 is somewhat neutral. By days 4 and 5 I am already functioning better. I'm keen to get back to 3+ weeks and not look back. One day at a time.

My frequency of PMO has been a lot less, in recent weeks. This has had a 2-fold effect: I've been more motivated, and have had more time to do stuff. I've helped out more around the house, indoors and out, and in the kitchen too. Mrs Pi commented about it. I've been appreciating and paying more attention to Mrs Pi, too. I am fortunate to have her, and have much work to do here.

 

[LTE]

It only makes life better when you are free.

 

[Pi]

It only makes life better when you are free.

Indeed. For now I am free, and I am grateful for that.

Today I learned that a project I have been working on for the last 12 months has been approved. I work for a large organization and some projects like this have long lead in times. It was a team effort and we had help from some unlikely allies, including one person I formerly regarded as an enemy. As it turned out, this person played a crucial role in progressing the project; I thought he would have been a considerable obstacle.

The result has altered my view about my workplace. It is more adaptive to change than I had thought. The negativity and nepotism that I had expected did not eventuate (except for one notable exception that my enemy-now-ally helped shut down). I have not headed such a complex project that required input from so many others, before. It is a relief to reach this point, as the project could have been rejected and thrown out at any stage until now.

The next 12 months will be spent implementing the project. All of the members of my group are keen to progress the project, now that we have the official go-ahead.

The thought to PMO entered my head a few times today. I'm grateful for not going there.

 

[Pi]

Hi Matthew. Thanks for writing in this journal. I'm not an expert or practitioner of any particular religion. I took an online test once (as you do) to determine which religion I was best suited to, and Buddhism was my highest score. From what I have read, it is a way of life that I have a great deal of respect for. I'll write some more in your journal.

Two thoughts have been in my mind a lot today:
1. That I will need to be vigilant every day and that eliminating PMO from my life is going to forever be a challenge.
2. That I have a choice and that I am in control.

Being aware of 2 has helped me handle 1. Coming here, reading journals (which I do a lot) and writing (which I don't do nearly enough of) help tremendously in resetting my mind to the right direction.

Tomorrow I leave for an overseas business trip.

 

[Pi]

The urge to PMO hit me with full intensity, today. It hasn't been an issue since my last relapse. It's as if something got switched on today. A whole flood of images ran through my mind. "Wouldn't that be fun", "Mmmm!" etc., etc. Today I will not be defeated. I've got a plane to catch in a short while and there is plenty to do before then. I don't want to get on a plane after PMO, it worries me almost as much as the thought of driving a car after drinking too much alcohol. I'm shocked and disappointed how the urge came out of nowhere (although fairly much on schedule, normally 9 or 10 days after the previous relapse, is what I've been finding). And the intensity of the urge, too. It's like there is a decision to be made, at the instant when the thought first pops into my mind. It's either: "Yes, I've noticed the thought, but I'm not going there, today", or: "Enjoy it, have some fun, you know you'll have a good time, it's inevitable, clear your schedule and make some time free for this, you know you're going to do it".

Today I will win. Maybe it's a mistake to look further ahead than that and be daunted by the ongoing task of fighting this addiction every day. It's one day at a time, and I can handle today.

 

[LTE]

The urge to PMO hit me with full intensity, today. It hasn't been an issue since my last relapse. It's as if something got switched on today. A whole flood of images ran through my mind. "Wouldn't that be fun", "Mmmm!" etc., etc. Today I will not be defeated. I've got a plane to catch in a short while and there is plenty to do before then. I don't want to get on a plane after PMO, it worries me almost as much as the thought of driving a car after drinking too much alcohol. I'm shocked and disappointed how the urge came out of nowhere (although fairly much on schedule, normally 9 or 10 days after the previous relapse, is what I've been finding). And the intensity of the urge, too. It's like there is a decision to be made, at the instant when the thought first pops into my mind. It's either: "Yes, I've noticed the thought, but I'm not going there, today", or: "Enjoy it, have some fun, you know you'll have a good time, it's inevitable, clear your schedule and make some time free for this, you know you're going to do it".

Today I will win. Maybe it's a mistake to look further ahead than that and be daunted by the ongoing task of fighting this addiction every day. It's one day at a time, and I can handle today.

You did good. I have over 530 days, but it's truly one day, 530 times in a row.