New to forum, starting my recovery

[vetrn]

Hello and thanks for letting me post in the forum.

I am a 45 year old who is definitely suffering from PIED.  Like most of you, I started many years ago as a teen and worked my way up to the fast streaming of internet porn.  I noticed that when my wife and kids are away, I almost immediately turn on the porn and masturbate.  Depending on how long they are gone will determine how long I watch the porn and how many times I masturbate.  My wife is currently away on a retreat and my kids are spending the week at their grandparents - so what am I to do?  Naturally, I spent the first few days watching porn and masturbating.  Now something has clicked in my head and it's time to put an end to this.

Having reviewed some of the web pages and articles pertaining to this addiction, I do find some solace in the thought that I will not have to walk this road completely alone. 

So as of now - I am on Day 0.  Starting anew with my life and relationship with my wife and family. 

Thanks in advance for all your support and advice. 

Vetrn

 

[Tclay]

Vetrn,
You're in the right place.  Your perception is correct about the collective experience here although the backgrounds vary.  Continue to read and post as this will help you keep the resolution you've made.  I'm living proof the this process works.  I would say it saved my relationship with my wife and I have seen benefits in how I get along with other family member's too.  It's not easy at first but it gets better and I've failed but got back on the path (more tan once) but I am experiencing a much better physical interaction with my lover now that I've separated from PMO.

Welcome!

 

[savingmysoul]

Welcome,

You have taken a great first step.  I am also 45, and dealing with PIED.  I allowed myself to get caught up in the internet thing as well.  It seemed like at every opportunity I could, I did.  Out of control, and helpless.  I however did not have the wherewithall to come to this conclusion and acceptance on my my own.  It took my wife finding out, again.

I have accepted the addiction, and through research (lots) and sites like this one P and M have no place in my life; not not now not ever.  My wife continues to struggle, but also continues to find the strength and courage to support me through my reboot.  I dont know if your wife knows or not - and you will have to decide whether you want to come clean.  It is your decision.

I am day 153 with no P & no M - it can be done.  Replace those activities with other activities, stay close to your family.  It does get easier- yes there will be rough days - but you can do it.

Find your strength, and embrace it.  Know you are not alone, and here on this site you can find help.

Welcome to the Nation

SMS

 

[tj]

Vetrn, I'm new here too.  I need the support offered here, not condemnation from others who feel they are on a higher plane.  Actually I am on day 54 and am getting little bursts of change that feel good and I am going to hang in there.  Porn is like any other habit that we get hooked on, like biting our nails or picking our nose in public.  The big, big difference is how strong it is to deny once introduced.  Porn makes MO so easy but using together yields a shallow, brief and guilt ridden release.  I feel we all agree MO by it self is a natural and human thing, but again it yields the same results but with less guilt and consequences upon discovery.  Once I discovered the ease of viewing a naked woman I was hooked, the action filled vids were just things of curiosity.  I think that we all here will admit to succumbing to our natural urge to MO, it's not anywhere near the ecstasy of making love with a woman you love but...it's convenient if the other is not!
Porn can sink it's barbs in us if we let it and we all here have come to the realization that we are or can be hooked by this nasty thing.  I have been caught several times viewing porn with the same results, an argument, a disgusted look backed up by a cold shoulder and a sexless marriage!  I went through this same scenario when I use to drink, the more she got after me the more bull headed I got.  But one day, after something I heard at church in the sermon  hit me right between the eyes.  From that moment on, over 20 yrs ago, I quit!  All the arguing and finger pointing  just exasperate the situation, but when I somehow came to the decision myself  it happened!  Now that's one less "finger wagging" coming my way and the Porn thing can  be too because I have again made up my mind to.  Vetrn and all others out there I wish you well, lets all be the support that we all need.  So that someday we can say to our partners, "Wanna check my browsing history?" with confidence and no one can say behind your back, "He watches porn." in an accusatory, that's what I want!!!! Good luck to all of us

 

[sonofJack]

Welcome Vetrn.

Nobody should have to do this alone, however P carries such a nasty stigma with it, that I find it impossible to discuss my habit with anyone I know. This forum gives me at least virtual companionship during this process, which I've found incredibly valuable.

Post regularly. Read lots.

You're among friends here.

 

[vetrn]

I appreciate everyone's support, thanks it is much appreciated.  Day 1 is almost down the pipe - and since the SO is out of town this week, I feel pretty good about going outside to work in the yard verses hitting the ol' P and M this evening.  Maybe I should to go ahead and quit smoking while I am at this,,,, but something tells me that doing that taking away that particular crutch could enhance the frustrations more. 

I have decided to post on here everyday at first so that I can keep the rebooting forefront in my mind.  It just irritates me to think of all the time and energy I have wasted on P which definitely hinders healthy relationships with other people. 

Or maybe,,,, I should travel so far that there are no bars on my cell and pitch a tent for the next 6 months - but that may be going to an extreme.... 

 

[Tclay]

Vetrn

Good you're irritated by your past.  That's part of the energy you can use to get free of PMO.  There is a better future for you ahead.  I suppose you could start a quest for a dead cell zone but I would suggest you try reading a book.  The one that's helped me most is titled "Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction... " .  Here you will find a replacement activity to fill your new cache of non-PMO time and, more importantly, practical tips for combating PMO.  IT HELPED ME IMMENSELY and I can't give a higher endorsement.

Blessings...

 

[tj]

Vetrn, posting here daily might be a help, the moderators can always stop it anytime they see fit.  I find my self coming here to start each day, it does put me into the right mind set for the day and cements my resolution to clean my life up more and more.  It's like when a person comes to Christ, born again, the fervor and the excitement is rampant and a person is on fire for HIM which hopefully keeps burning as strong forever.  But in the interim some folks see us as Jesus Freaks, but that's okay for it's a personal thing anyway just like quitting porn.  Good luck on your journey, may we walk together.

 

[vetrn]

Thanks for the postings Tclay and Tj....

I have decided the life of a hermit/monk is probably not the best fit for me as I like being around people too much when I am not caring for them as a patient.  I will say, I work near a local university and today I noticed for the first time that I have been looking at the young attractive coeds walking by and somewhere in my twisted mind I would envision them in some P scenario.  Today, I looked at them not as some object, but more as a real person with similar hopes and dreams that I have.  I think that P guides us to see women as objects rather than people.  This part of the desensitizing would undoubtedly lead to ED when in the position to explore each other romantically arises. 

I have also noticed that my military experience seems to have made it easier for me to 'desensitize' myself from other people over all.  For example, in WWII our troops referred to the Germans as either 'Jerry' or 'Krauts' not as Germans, and for the Japanese it was far worse as they were known as 'Nips'.  In Korea and Vietnam the enemy was referred to as "Gook".  In the middle east we referred to the Iraqis as "Sand N***" and "Camel Jockeys."  In Somalia, "Skinnies."  Now I know that we did this to help protect our sanity to survive the situations we found ourselves in more times than not, but it does seem to predispose some of us to rapidly turn another human being into a non-human entity.  I work in healthcare, and I find myself objectifying a lot of my patients just to protect my own personal sanity.  I suppose there is a time and place where we have to be callus in order to help, it becomes hard to distinguish the line tho...

I remember when I first met my wife, we "Clicked" from day one and it was amazing to be so totally enamored by another person.  Since then, we have had our ups and downs... two kids, battling fatigue and finances to ensure that they were cared for appropriately,,, to the point that we each retreated into ourselves and forged some separate paths... fortunately, we have come back together with the intention on regaining at least a glimmer of what we were when we first met.  I have made my share of mistakes in all of this, for lack of a better phrase, I cheated on my wife via PMO.  Not a physical cheat with another person, but a cheat nonetheless.  By cheating in this fashion, I have been unable to perform to our mutual gratifications in the bedroom.  For this, I am totally disgusted with myself.

Now, switching gears a little bit... last night as I was having some difficulties getting to sleep - oh yeah, insomnia is one of the withdrawal symptoms I believe - it dawned on me that my children are fast coming to the age where they will be exposed to P.  I want my children to be better than I have been, so I was wondering, what is the best method to help prevent them from falling into the same traps I have fallen into with my own life?  I recognize that they will need to make their own path in this world, and have tried to teach them that sex is a gift they bestow upon another person and should not be entered into lightly - what else can I do to help ensure they will know of the trap and how to avoid it all together?

Again, thanks for your support and responses, it does mean a lot to me.

V

 

[Tclay]

V...

Get the book I mentioned above.  You touched on several points that are covered in the text, including "objectifying" females and intimacy with your lover.  Also, next subject,  have spoken to my 4 teenage boys about PIED and how it can be even more difficult for them.  If this old 51 year old carcus can get it on with my wife to the point she feels worn out, there is hope for you

Please trust me, there is a way out and UP !  I had not made serious love to my wife in over 10 yrs. now we are approaching 3-4 times a month and I don't believe I have fully recovered. 

Read other posts and start chipping in.  The dialog, the thinking and interaction does refine your awareness .  It also helps to know you are not alone in your troubles.

 

[vetrn]

Thank Tclay,

I will look for the book this weekend when I am off from work.  I am looking forward to reading it.

I have had some PMO urges the past 24 hours, but thankfully I was able to resist them by getting up and doing silly things,,, like tinker with my son's racing bike, or doing some laundry, cleaning the kitchen,,, etc... I think tonight I will clean the living room and maybe one of the kiddies bedrooms if the urge strikes... but this far I think I am holding on to my own,,,

 

[Tclay]

V you're welcome.

I just noticed, your goal is 365 days.  That s mine too but I set my counter in smaller steps, 30 days, then 50, then 100.  I guess it depends on how you are wired.  I need to check stuff off and feel like I'm making progress otherwise I somehow lose the wind in my sails.

 

[vetrn]

Yeah, I agree with the checking things off,,,, I am just watching the green bar on mine, each day I am PMO free is an accomplishment and one that I have pride in.  I think that realizing the distance one has to travel is part of what makes the trip worth while.  I honestly believe it will take about a full year to fully kick the addiction.  For me, I am looking at that point more than anything.  With that said, should I, God forbid, have a relapse, I will set the timer on smaller increments.

V

 

[Tclay]

It's all good as long as you stay on the path.

 

[sonofJack]

I applaud your courage in choosing to remove a facet of your life that you feel is dragging you down. The hardest part of this isn't the act of completing the process, it's signing on, and stating (virtually) publicly, that you're going to do something about it. You've bravely elected to do this, with a declaration that you want to make it one year PMO-free.

It's smart to have a long goal, a medium goal, and a short goal. For example, my long goal is NO PMO, ever. Clearly that's one that will take commitment, dedication, and toil, and with each passing day, those elements of success can come easily, or be challenging beyond belief. My medium goal, is to make it one year. I'm in the midst of my third rebooting since choosing this path last June, so I've experience both how easy it is to fall off, and the importance of jumping right back on.

In a way, I can look at this process as tallying nearly one year PMO free; with just a few small interruptions, but that can seem like rationalization, and I fear that thinking could lead me to excusing behaviour that I'm committed to erase. Instead, I reset my counter each of the two times I fell into full PMO. One lasted 12 days, the second was about 3 days long. During both I felt weak, and unworthy, but had the wonderful people on the forum to help me get back to my goals.

Since day one of this trip, I've had a simple short goal: one more day. I think about that every morning; "today, I will not fall back into unwanted habits." It is not panacea (there have been days when I have rebelled), but imagining myself 24 hours from now is far less stressful than trying to create the me from 365 days in the future. Not only is it nearly impossible to know who, what, or where we'll be then, but focusing too hard on an even that far away removes one of the tools that I've found works best to keep me rolling forward: simply living in the present.

Best of luck with your goals, and I sincerely hope to be celebrating your success next year!

 

[vetrn]

Thanks sonofJack for the encouragement.  Like you, each 24 hour cycle is a victory,,, even each hour is a victory... and I am inclined and encourage everyone to celebrate every second of not PMOing as each segment of time is a victory.  I will also add that should someone slip back,,, it's ok... just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, wash your hands, and get back on to the board and start again... identify the triggers from the slip, get them out in the open so your mind can best see them and start to formulate plans to avoid or even overcome them as a trigger....not to mention the wealth of resources here to help us along on our journey.

I was reading a thread last night on the 'Objectifying' of people.  Not just women, but people as a whole.  It is really eye opening and I do recommend it to all.  I will try to find it again and post a link to the thread.  There are lots of things we all do subconsciously and sometimes even consciously that objectifies another human into something less than human.  Today, while I was on a break smoking a cig (God aweful habit,,, it's high on the list to discard as well), I was watching some of the coeds coming in and out.  I did the 2 second rule where I counted to myself to 2 then looked at something else.  It seems to be an effective to taper some of the objectifying I am guilty of.  I am really hopeful and looking forward to the day that I won't objectify women and can really learn to see them for who they are, people.  I am really looking forward to re-discovering the woman I am married to as a person, and re-kindling the spark of life between us that I seem to have misplaced in the closet of shame somewhere.  The more I learn about P and the resulting MO/ED, the angrier I get at myself for allowing such an idiotic thing to hurt the one person I care about more than anything in this world.  There will be a reckoning in my mind over this... and this too shall be overcome...

Glad each and everyone of you guys are here....

V

 

[vetrn]

OK, refound the forum for Objectifying ,,, it's really a good thing to read up on ....

here's the link:

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=579.0

V

 

[Tclay]

Hey V

I'm familiar with the text you posted.  Some good stuff, and LTE promoting the Collins book.  He talked me into reading it.  Here is what I think about jumping on and jumping of the PMO wagon. 
I AM NOT AN EXPERT BUT THIS IS WHAT I THINK.
Keep in mind, we all start a different points (for example people who have never had a deep intimacy and grew up with digital media may have it harder then us old guys who have developed true intimacy with someone prior to the barrage of internet porn).  The real question is how fast do you want to recover.  If you are able to refrain entirely, P, Fantasy, Objectifying, etc... one can recover quicker then someone who is jumping on and off with frequency.  but it's like a timer and the more minutes, hours, days years you log, the closer you get to acquiring that happy stiffy you once knew.
There are a host of caveats I am not qualified to speak to but there it is...

 

[vetrn]

Sometimes I hate spring/summer.....

Today, while at work on a break,,, I was smoking and people watching as I am apt to do.  I have been working on the 2 second rule with ogling and thought I was doing pretty good,,, except everywhere I would avert my gaze after 2 seconds landed me on another attractive coed..... I tell ya,, it was getting hard.  So, I turn my gaze down and counted the rocks.... there are about 10432 rocks in the immediate vicinity where I take my morning and afternoon break.... I am sure I missed some,, but that's as high as I got....

I hope everyone has a blessed weekend.

V

 

[Tclay]

Hahaha... Rocks.