My story so far

J

johnnypark

Member
Hi guys, long time lurker, first time poster. I'm 31, porn addict who in the past year escelated to shamefully using escorts 2-3 times, thankfully stopped that. Masturbated at 9, liked it-first watched porn at 12, normal genres then went to more extreme stuff. Came across Gabe's videos plus Gary's book. Both godsends! 33 days into my no PMO Reboot, longest I've probably ever got since college and that time was just accident!! First couple of days were hard, strong urges. Got through them . Hit a serious flatline 2 weeks in, no libido, urges..nothing. Morning wood between 4-5 am most mornings, but not sleeping great either.Depression and anxiety from withdrawal haven't been too bad until yesterday then .bam...Hit me hard. Shitty mood, deep sighing breathing( anxiety) over nothing at all. Still no urges but the crap mood is tempting me back to porn just to pick my mood up, stupid I know. Been hitting the gym hard too. Please help, is this common, does it pass.
Thanks guys.
 
U

ulaozin

Active Member
Hi Johnny,

Your addiction will try many different strategies to get you back to porn. IT's normal to have depression and anxiety during this process. I'm feeling like that right now. Hang on, this will pass. It usually comes and go in cicles. As you continue to struggle those cicles will be more and more sparse.

Do you have a friend or a relative who can cheer you up? Find someone or some relaxing activity to distract you. Maybe it's time to develop a new relaxing habit instead of watching porn. This fight is all about experimenting and developing new patterns while you try to get rid of the old ones. Porn leaves a void, sometimes we may want to go back to it just for pure boredom, because it feels like something is missing.

It's great that you decided to post. Let me greet you for the first time:

Welcome!  :D
 
J

johnnypark

Member
Hi ulaozin, thanks for your reply. Appreciate it. All my family are aware, it got so bad earlier in the year that I felt suicidal. They've been great but they don't fully comprehend the problem, no fault of theirs though. It has totally warped my sexuality. I'm very much heterosexual but have watched gay porn on occasion. I can't say, maybe I'm wrong,  but i can't say i've ever experienced true, wholesome and healthy libido. On a conscious level i find women very attractive but i can't get aroused by them, at all. When i watch porn lately i even have soft erections but still have this fake horniness in my brain, not true libido.
 
U

ulaozin

Active Member
Your story is like many of us. I completely relate to you.  It's a huge step that you already know your addiction and started your first post. When I first posted I was completely paranoid and afraid of people. There is a huge healing potential in talking and expressing your problems. You can start by writing a journal. And probably it's best to attend to a psycologist. A good therapeut may help you to sort things out and also will be a important crutch during the worse periods.   
 
J

johnnypark

Member
Was in therapy before but i dunno i think therapy is lagging far behind in this particular addiction. I'm not sure if you or any others can relate to this, as I said I'm 30+ days into my reboot, in a flatline at the moment which to be honest I'm fine with because I've no urges, but i've been getting little 2-3 second slight jolts behind my forehead where the prefrontal cortex resides. Only been happening from 2 weeks into my reboot. Never noticed it in my life before. Hopefully some rebooting is taking place. The flatline tells me something is happening anyway which I'm fine with. I'd rather zero libido over fake addiction libido any day of the week.
 
J

johnnypark

Member
Decided I'm gonna journal daily here if i can so if anyone can lend their $0.02 I'd appreciate it. Day 37 of no PMO:
I think I'm in a flatline, no urges at all. No attraction to real life women either. On a conscious level i know an attractive girl when i see one but zero arousal to her. Some advice needed here, I'm on the dating site Plenty of Fish which in the past has been a trigger for me if I seen scantily clad women etc..I'd like to rewire to real women but it seems almost counter productive though at the minute because I'm in a flatline, depressed and anxious a lot and no real desire to date, yet .
 
J

johnnypark

Member
Day 38 PMO free: Hightned stress levels, + anxiety these last few days. I know it's withdrawal as I've nothing really to be stressed about. Woke at 5 am this morning, morning wood again. Slight headaches at various times throughout the day.
 
J

johnnypark

Member
Ok so been a while since my last check in, just realised my counter was a little off last time. Basically, haven't PMO'D since November 29th last year so i dunno 48 ish days or something. My mood is extremely well.....numb! 2 weeks ago at work I had sharp headache's throughout the week BUT my mood was unbelievablely good. Chatting to everyone, engaged and present in the conversation, felt very confident. It did not last. This week i've felt very anxious for no apparent reason, moody, just kinda withdrawn. But 2 weeks ago definitely wasn't placebo, I think something is taking place. Feel indifferent really to porn, sex, lust in general.. no interest. Almost asexual. Last Wednesday morning i woke up with the biggest morning wood ever in my life, no shit. Wasn't aroused at all, just happened. Lasted for 5 mins. Had a wet dream last night but feel ok today. Please feel free to add, advise, and share. Thanks guys.
 
W

William

Guest
Hi Johnny.  You are definitely making progress.  Remember in the beginning when just getting through one day felt impossible.  At 48 days you are close to the place where you quit doubting you can do it, and start believing you can.  You can.  The morning wood, by the way, is a sign of recovery.  A lot of porn addicts lose that, and don't even know it is gone.  The fact you are getting it back is a sign of recovery.  The indifference is flatlining.  Also a good sign. It is part of the reboot process, and, actually, a good thing.  It goes away. 
 
J

johnnypark

Member
Thanks William. The morning wood last week was encouraging, shows me anyway that the pipes are still working :) problem is in my brain. When i've watched porn and fantasized before it's always been this fake, synthetic arousal. Sometimes i would have next to no erection but was horny, again tho not real libido the fake type. Can't wait to experience the real thing.
 
W

William

Guest
You will experience the real thing, but, understand, the real thing is going to give you a hit of dopamine, but it will never make you as high as porn did.  As for the gay thing, that likely is a touch of HOCD, which is the end result, for some, of having desensitized to straight porn, much the way as straight porn desensitized you to actual sex.  The main thing is, do the reboot now, get healthy, then figure out who and what you are sexually.  Whatever it is, it is not what you were watching. 
 
Rockland_2000

Rockland_2000

Member
William said:
You will experience the real thing, but, understand, the real thing is going to give you a hit of dopamine, but it will never make you as high as porn did.  As for the gay thing, that likely is a touch of HOCD, which is the end result, for some, of having desensitized to straight porn, much the way as straight porn desensitized you to actual sex.  The main thing is, do the reboot now, get healthy, then figure out who and what you are sexually.  Whatever it is, it is not what you were watching.
Click to expand...

Scary stuff, but it really makes sense and put things into perspective for me.  Very similar to JohnnyPark, I've been in a flatline for quite sometime, long before the reboot process.  I still find women attractive but theres little to no response in my mind or body sexually.  This is the answer to that.  I became desensitized to women and actual sex.  Luckily, I've learned a bit about addictions from watching the tv show Intervention and I learned about needing to escalate in order to achieve the same high that I once did originally, in this case it would be going from watching women solo, to straight porn to other types of porn that I had no interest in, like gay porn for example.  Thankfully, even in my most addicted phases, I never gave into escalation in terms of what I watched once the temptation to escalate from straight porn hit, being able to ask myself in the moment WTF are you going to do to yourself if you watch that?  Its the point of no return and you may not be able to come back from that.  If you do, you will end up a sad case like the people on Intervention.

As a lot of you say, the mind plays tricks on you to get around the strongest of thinking.  I did shut down and prevent watching anything out of my tastes,  but my mind did find a way to "spice" up solo and straight porn and boy did it work.  For now, im still do not want to document it so I will end this commentary here.
 
J

johnnypark

Member
Hey Rockland, hope your doing well. Yeah i can relate to what your saying, on a conscious level i can find women attractive but ive zero arousal towards them. I'm going to trust the process though, i know it takes time. The brain will and can recover but it will do so when its good and ready.
 
J

johnnypark

Member
Day 49 of no PMO. Just awake , it's 10 am here. Very broken sleep, 2-3 dreams throughout the night. No work today, on a 3 day week this week for the first time in over a year, slow week at work. Got to stay occupied. That's all anyway
 
Rockland_2000

Rockland_2000

Member
Make plans and things to do for your days off...I know for me in the past, days off from work with nothing to do was a major trigger to you know what.
 
A

Atn4545

Member
Johhny,

I hope you are staying strong. I am just starting this and my 3 days feels like an eternity compared to your 33. I hope that you are finding help here as I am. I plan on posting this in my own journal, but I initially found alternatives to downtime at the site Meetup.com which starter i think to make me realize I need to break off my relationship with P. Just a suggestion to check it out so you have something to look forward to on your time off. Keep up the great work on becoming great. Best of luck.
 
J

johnnypark

Member
Day 50 of no PMO, hanging in there..anxiety is at an all time high, this shit is real. Don't feel anything sexual but very moody. One thing i did at the beginning of my reboot is obsess about getting with a partner to rewire, but i think with my mood and motivation so up and down during this reboot that i've a way to go yet before doing that, and besides when i do feel better i want to experience life independently for a bit, I've never known a real freedom from this shit.
 
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