My story so far

[johnnypark]

You will get there, don't be surprised if you find yourself ( if you haven't already) hitting the flatline soon. I found around the 3 week mark i hit the flatline, wasn't so bad, mood was meh...but now, not only have i no libido still, I'm very emotional... anxiety like never before, very down. Like Gabe has said though, understanding the process makes it easier, knowing that change is possible motivates me.

 

[johnnypark]

So day 52 of no PMO, not a bad day to be fair. Anxiety down a bit, pretty ok around urges at the min( the beauty of the flatline ) . Last night i had the most vivid, clear dream i've recalled in years. It was a non porn/sexual dream, just random stuff really, weird :-/ Work tomorrow then going hiking with my brother on Saturday.

 

[akpal2]

great posts in this thread. absolutely loved some of the insights from William. William is a very useful poster on here, he should post more often

 

[akpal2]

Hi ulaozin, thanks for your reply. Appreciate it. All my family are aware, it got so bad earlier in the year that I felt suicidal. They've been great but they don't fully comprehend the problem, no fault of theirs though. It has totally warped my sexuality. I'm very much heterosexual but have watched gay porn on occasion. I can't say, maybe I'm wrong,  but i can't say i've ever experienced true, wholesome and healthy libido. On a conscious level i find women very attractive but i can't get aroused by them, at all. When i watch porn lately i even have soft erections but still have this fake horniness in my brain, not true libido.

I so agree with this. I can totally relate to this shit. I mean whenever I try a reboot there is this "fake horniness" that you state here that seems to be hanging into the air. I mean no matter what I do its just there at the back of the mind. I have to make an effort not to pay attention to it or to keep myself occupied with something else.

Usually outdoor activities such as gym or some other physical activity helps to alleviate this fake horniness a lot but with the onset of winter here its really cold and I don't feel like going outside. Plus I usually go to the gym in the mornings so there's still the whole day left when I am back home (I am back in grad school).

I love the fact that you've coined this word "fake horniness". I wasn't able to articulate it so well.

Keep up the good work. Johnny, don't feel like a johnny come lately. We are starting this now and we are going to help each other overcome this monster.

 

[johnnypark]

I'm 56 days free from porn , masturbation and orgasm so far. I never thought id get this far to be honest. Where am i now as regards porn and fantasy well best way i can describe it as the compulsion/urges has definitely got quieter but the obsession remains, by obsession i mean thoughts.. but that's all they are at the moment is thoughts, ive zero desire to act on the them but I'm not getting complacent either. I'm still in this flatline and to be fair i think i will remain so for some time and I'm fine with that. I'm getting little instances of happiness here and there, it's fleeting but real. Women in the real world - i still feel nothing.. but this is a long journey, and I'm ok with that.

 

[johnnypark]

Day 58 no PMO oh but barely :-/ I nearly slipped today. Had flu the last few days and been in bed quite a bit today, wasn't feeling urges or anything. I guess im in the frustration of the flatline i guess, real life cues still not firing me up and no physical urge to watch porn either, no man's land. Guess I'd been getting cocky(pardon the pun) last few days trying to force sexual imagery in my head to see if it triggers me, it's counterproductive and useless.. don't do it. Gonna be a looooong road for my real libido to surface.

 

[johnnypark]

Day 59 of no PMO, was hit by physical urges to act out and watch porn today, this is so confusing. Is this suppose to happen that the libido for porn comes back after a few weeks of non existent libido ? Any advice , help would be appreciated guys.

 

[johnnypark]

Day 60 and streak is over. I masturbated to porn last night. Positives i take from the last two months is , the flatline and no urges for the mist part told me i am addicted and that my brain was healing, morning wood was positive. I'm gutted right now, I've been suicidal over this and I'm really down now. We go again.

 

[johnnypark]

Day 2 of no PMO. I need help, encouragement. I know there isn't anything inherently wrong with masturbation and watching porn for some guys. I can't though. The mental fallout after a relapse is horrific. Brings shame, suicidal thoughts. Today i genuinely feel like i want to take ny life. I don't summon these emotions, they come as a result of fucking up. In a bad place.