48 years old and tired of PIED

[Punk Monk]

Hey evinced,

Welcome.  You're story reads a lot like mine (you can read my post here  http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=5575.0).

First off, don't beat yourself up. Relapses happen. Quitting this thing is harder than it seems.

Second, I notice I get cranky when I stop jacking it. Then recently, the realization hit that I'm essentially going through withdrawal. I had a relapse recently and found myself getting angry at my wife for basically not being a fake, airbrushed porn star.

However, after about four days, the brain starts to rewire and the feeling goes away.

So...if you can make it past the first few days, it's pretty much down hill from there.

Stay strong!

 

[evinced]

Thanks to those who have responded and your words of encouragement and support.  Been a rough week or so. Not really related to porn though.  Been ill for over a week with a flu that turned into pneumonia.  Lot's of fun.  But the added benefit has been no desire to watch porn.  Still fighting the good fight and making progress one day at a time.

 

[Hopeful1]

I'm absolutely new to this.

I'd read in this weekend's Times about porn induced ED and it opened my eyes to my problem.

As a keen cyclist I thought I'd irreparably damaged the nerves and blood supply to my penis but now I'm filled with hope that it's been due to my porn addiction. I'm married, happily, but work away from home a lot and get bored in the evening. Porn has become a late night treat and pseudo sleeping tablet, that is through PMO.

I'm 47 and have lost the night time erectile cycle and 'morning glory' and can't keep a reliable erection through intercourse. Even with a 'death grip' (I love that term) from my wife. Panic and anxiety has taken hold of me, driving me to testing with PMO which is compounding the matter.

Recently there was a breakthrough of sorts; I had a forced 10 day reboot due to an operation to fix a sports injury (groin). Of course, ten days off meant I was ready to test, especially as the blood supply in my groin had been reinstated. I was convinced that the supply had been cut off, so after the surgery to restore blood to my femoral artery, things were bound to work again, right?

Well, yes and no. 10 days reboot convinced me that it had been a blood supply issue, so I celebrated with lots of PMO. FOOL!

PIED returned and I failed with my wife after telling her everything was back to normal. We were both ready to rekindle our sex life.

So, when I read about PIED last weekend (with three days of forced reboot due to being away with friends) I committed to a proper reboot.

I've looked at porn then stopped. I've started to M then stopped myself. I'm doing other things to distract myself.

Twice already I've had one or two erections at night. No morning wood yet.

I'm interested in your story and I'm incredibly hopeful that I'll be able to reboot and get normal performance to return.

7 days without PMO

 

[Hopeful1]

My counter...

 

[evinced]

Well at least I have some additional reinforcement from the other day.  2 nights ago my wife woke me up around 2AM wanting some action.  Had no problem getting it up thankfully and I was able to perform.  I was a 2 pump chump since I am not masturbating daily like I was when using porn everyday so I exactly stellar in the sack but the equipment didn't let me down.  Nice to see some signs of improvement. Now I just need to make through another weekend porn free. They tend to be my biggest challenge since I have more alone time in the AM when my wife is still asleep. Here's to staying strong and porn free.

 

[harry]

I feel your pain - weekends are by far my biggest challenge. It helps when I have plans to do things away from home. I'm a little nervous about this weekend because we're supposed to get a lot of rain which will likely keep my indoors.

 

[HopeAgain?]

Stay strong brother. We are all in this battle together. I am so grateful and blessed to have found YBOP and Reboot Nation.
I lost a marriage of 18 years due to PMO please do whatever you need to do to stay hands off the equipment.

 

[evinced]

Well thankfully I made it through another weekend PMO free.  Also re-did my counter and adjusted my goal to 90 days since I finally made it past 30 days without a reset.    Obviously my goal is to not PMO at all but for now these goals help.  The temptation is of course still there and in the back of my mind but I continue to resist.  Had the occasional edging and brief viewing of some P but didn't MO but the longer I go the more I can resist. 

 

[evinced]

Haven't updated my journal in a couple of weeks.  Still moving forward with the periodic challenges on weekends.  Had a couple of instances where I briefly viewed some chat rooms but didn't PMO.  Just struggling a little with this site and some of the posters and viewpoints.  I guess I shouldn't let it bother me but I come here for support and the encouragement of other's success. However, there are some viewpoints where people reply that a reboot means no PMO, no MO period or other similar viewpoints and from what I have read on YBOP, nofap and others that this is more of a personal definition based on what we have experienced.  I have seen posts where it has been stated no O for 90 days of any kind or you have failed.  If the goal is the rewire with a real person and I have the option and ability to have an O with a real person (in this case my wife) I do not believe that this is bad.  Maybe if the symptoms like PIED are bad enough more extreme measures may be required but it isn't black&white where the guidelines apply to every case.  I also see at least one poster who is a chronic relapser who chimes in regularly to posts as if they are the expert spouting statements like no MO for X amount of time, or recovery takes this long as if these are absolutes for everyone.  Clearly they are not as seen in the experiences of younger rebooters who were hit hard by high speed internet access to porn and no experience with real sexual relationships, contrasted with some older rebooters who had past sexual experience but resorted to porn and now suffer symptoms that impact their wives, significant others etc.  I don't see how this can be as simple as one size fits all. I find myself visiting this a little less at times as result.  Ultimately I guess I need to take what I relate to from some posts/posters and skip the rest and try not to let some of the all or nothing viewpoints affect my own recovery.  Anyway, I guess that's the end of my rant for now.

 

[screwedup40]

You're not wrong.  I can relate to everything you posted.  The gist I got from YBOP was the only absolute is to stay away from porn and porn fantasy.  Everything else is subjective and what might work for some won't necessarily work for others.  I've even seen gary post that a rebooter is both the test subject and the researcher.  Even though I occasionally see some posts that equate to 'the blind leading the blind' there are also some great veterans on here that post some outstanding encouragement and advice.  As you yourself alluded to in your last sentence, those are the ones who I try to pick and choose from.  Good luck with your reboot, it seems like you are doing a solid job so far. 

 

[evinced]

Decided to reset my counter today.  Decided that a situation last night was close enough to a PMO that if I am being honest with myself that I should start the clock over.  Finding this harder to quit than when I gave up smoking.  I know that if I had lived in a house with a smoker, not sure I would have been able to give that up.  Unfortunately porn or pornlike content is all over and it all too easy to take a peak and get aroused and start heading down that slippery slope.  Learned some things in the 49 days though that should help this time around.  Back to giving up porn and PMO.

 

[Punk Monk]

Hang in there, evinced,

I find the first few days after stopping are the hardest. After my last relapse it took about a week for my brain to finally quiet down. I had all the symptoms of a full on withdrawal (which of course, is what it was). I got through it by keeping my brain occupied on other things (personal hobbies, DIY projects, honey dos, etc...). After awhile, the urges just went away.

Be strong, be patient and be disciplined. It's tough. But you can do it. If you can get through the first week or so, you're pretty much in the clear. Though be careful. I find that, with me, the urges seem to come back every 15- 20 days. But they only last a day of too.

But's that me. As you said; there's no "On Size Fits All" solution. You know what the end game is. You can get some great advice and guidance here. But in the end, it's your program of recovery. Find out what works for you.

You're going to be fine!

P. Monk

 

[evinced]

Had a rough week and succumbed to the urge to PMO.  Not much else to say really.  Sometimes after having a few drinks the night before I find it more challenging to stick to my resolve.  At least I can see some of the triggers.

 

[Boo]

23 days since you posted here. Sorry bro, but that's not setting yourself up for victory. I know lapses suck. I've had my share. Don't let this turn into a relapse. If you went 49  days that's a really good streak. Now you have to do the tough self assessment and figure out how things devolved to this point, then build on what you know you're capable of doing since you've been there already.

If you're even remotely peaking or edging, well, you're making each day of a reboot a battle. My opinion is that a session of even just edging sets you up for several anxious days following, even if you don't engage in anything related to porn. Please don't set yourself up to fail. You CAN do this.

 

[evinced]

Even though I hadn't posted on my journal in awhile I tend to read posts on the site almost every day.  I think part of the most recent challenges have been due to the situation at home.  My wife has been in a bad place for the last couple of years after losing her job and despite my efforts to support her emotionally etc she has made little progress getting out of her depression.  I have encouraged her to go to the doctor or a therapist and she refuses.  I can't exactly force her to go either.  As a result out sex life has been practically non-existent.  Probably one of the things that led me to watch more and more porn.  I rationalized that watching porn was better than some hookup where I cheated on her.  She is aware that I watch porn and we have watched it together in the past as well.  So it wasn't something that was hidden from her although I doubt she knew all of the details.  When the porn use led to PIED that was a wake up call that caused me to re-think what I was doing.  I have had several decent runs without porn since I first started this process and had improvement in my PIED although there has only been one sexual encounter with my wife and my equipment did work that time.  However I have been frustrated at her lack of progress dealing with her issues and that absence of physical intimacy between us.  In moments of weakness and feeling horny when I wasn't in a flatline it made it harder to resist the temptation of porn especially if I had a few drinks the night before (mornings tend to be the most challenging for me).  Lately it has felt like that light at the end of the tunnel that I saw at first is farther away.  No matter how hard I work to address my porn addiction, if she isn't doing the work to help her mental and physical health, sex between us isn't an option.  It doesn't bother me that she has gained weight while depressed, I still love her and am attracted to her and I do my best to tell her that as often as I can.  But if she doesn't "feel sexy" sex isn't an option.  Ultimately I am responsible for my success and recovery but I have gone through some feelings of discouragement that I used as an excuse to slide back to some PMO.  I want to be clear that I am in no way blaming my wife for anything.  She has her own cross to bear in respect to what she is going through and I would not want to pressure her into having sex just to meet my needs.  That wouldn't lead to a satisfying experience anyway.  I realize that I should probably update my journal a little more but things have been busy lately and I need to try and make the time again to help my recovery.

 

[Yukon Joe]

Other problems in your life will drive you to a relapse. The good thing is that when you go back to it in a relapse it is never as good as you remember it. It's not a failure. It's just part of the process towards success.

 

[evinced]

Just checking in, still reading the site daily but not always posting in my journal.  Been able to resist the temptation to peek at some webcams and no PMO.  So far I have been able to resist watching porn videos which was my biggest source of PMO but every relapse has been to webcam chatrooms.  I think I rationalized it a bit as if it was more real than videos since it was "live" and in some cases there was direct interaction with the person.  I realize that this is porn as well and it's funny how our minds rationalize things like this.  It's the idle time when the temptation creeps up to just take a quick look and see whats happening and who is showing on cam.  Working on finding more non-porn activities to keep me occupied to help resist temptation.  Anyway, back to the grind and keeping PMO free.

 

[evinced]

Rough morning after having a very sexually explicit dream last night. Woke up mid-dream with a raging hard-on and went back to sleep somewhat hoping that the dream would continue which usually doesn't happen.  When I woke up I had frequent images going through my head of that dream really testing my resolve.  Fortunately I had to get ready for work and was already running late so I didn't have time to do anything like watch porn and masturbate etc.  However, I have struggled all morning with thoughts and images related to that dream.  Probably doesn't help that it's been months since there has been any sex with my wife.  Moments like this really test my resolve but at least I know that I can get an erection while sleeping which has been hit or miss.  In most cases if I have woken up in the middle of the night the most I have experienced was 50% wood maybe a little more.  First time in awhile that things were this solid.  Despite some relapse that were one time PMO and then back to the reboot process it does seem like there has been progress overall. 

 

[evinced]

Been trying to assess my triggers and have come to realize that my relapses tend to be when drinking is involved or when a little hungover after drinking the night before.  Read a bit that shows that drinking also affects dopamine and I find that it affects my impulse control (ie. drunk shopping online) and ability to better judgment.  As a result I have decided to take at least a 30 day break from drinking to help facilitate my reboot.  Here's to hoping that this combined break from drinking and no porn will help.

 

[evinced]

Definitely noticing a difference combining no porn and not drinking.  Every time I take a break from drinking I realize how different I feel even after a couple of weeks.  As I pay attention to how I feel emotionally and physically it becomes more apparent how much drinking and porn affect my dopamine and how drinking affects my impulse control.    Feeling good about my latest run of no PMO.