Hope to start a new life

[BobbyD]

Hello all,
I found this sight through YBOP.com and couldn't believe that what I was going through was truly an addiction.I have struggled with porn viewing since I was 10 or 11 ( now in my mid 40's).I have tried "rebooting" quite a few times on my own,but have not gotten past 13 days.I find myself very vulnerable,depressed and in a world of my own when I MO.I have made every excuse in the book to my wife why we are not intimate.I chalked alot of it at first too "mommy issue",which I am sure is somewhat a catalyst to the start of all this,but it's time to be a big boy and realize there is a more important issue which is my MO'ing.I feel sorry for her,because she is such a great woman and mother,and she does not deserve this.I am not a severe as some,but my tastes in what porn I watch, and my thinking has gotten me very scared.I am new to all of this and for the life of me can't understand why traditional "straight porn" is becoming "ho-hum".I have always considered myself very attracted to women,but as of the last year or so my mind has gotten me to view men as somewhat appealing now.I would look at a woman naked on screen and it is just not that exciting anymore.They almost look like a blank slate.

I hope I can gain some insight to what is going on with me,because it has been so distressful and lonely.I almost feel like I am so sort of "closeted" man living a double life.I know that when I did get up to 13 days I felt more confident and didn't let anyone take advantage of me personally and professionally.As a so called reward,I fell back into this world of porn.What I found out is that therapists are good,but it is ultimately a personal uphill battle that I need to fight myself and get better.I am greatly encouraged to see that there is a support group to this.That other peoples stories mirror mine and that I am not this deviant.I have had some traumatic episodes in my life in the last couple of months that have made my problems with porn escalate.Whatever anyone could offer me,with regards to advice would be appreciate.

 

[SlaveToRighteousness]

Hi Bobby - I am glad that you posted at this forum. It is very common for porn viewers to get bored with one genre and to move on to increasingly hardcore and extreme forms of porn that don't actually match their own sexual preferences. The fact that you were initially turned on by women but then moved on to men doesn't (have to) mean that you are a closet homosexual: it just means that your porn addiction compels you to need variety in order to become aroused, and there's only so much variety you can get with female porn before you are only left with male/shemale/tranny porn or something else along those lines.

It will help you a lot to read the book "Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame", which (among many other things) talks about how PMO addicts have an original emotional wound (like your "mommy issue") that inspires us to find comfort in ways that are usually unhealthy (such as sexually compulsive behavior).

I haven't looked at porn in over a year, and I am now finding myself very turned on by my wife's body and our "vanilla sex" that used to bore me to tears. I have no interest at all in the extreme forms of sex that I used to obsess over through porn. If I can get to this point, so can you...

 

[vetrn]

Welcome to the group BobbyD.  You are correct that this may seem like an uphill battle that you must fight alone.  I will say that to me, we aren't walking it completely alone as we have each other to act as sounding boards and support each other at out lowest.  I think that you may find this board quite helpful with at least some of the support you will need to overcome this.  Yes, the choice will be yours entirely to follow through, but here you will not be judged or admonished if you should slip along this trail.  Educate yourself on this addiction, this will help you identify some challenges you will encounter on this journey and help you find ways to overcome/avoid them. 

Keep the faith and set realistic goals for yourself.  Each hour of each day is a victory over this, keep that in mind.

V

 

[BobbyD]

STR..why is it that people turn to other forms of porn? I've heard that the brain is so use to conventional porn that it almost views sexual acts btw a man and woman as..ho hum.I know for myself,that I haven't actually Mo'd to gay porn or bisexual porn,but I found myself curious to looking at the images and didn't feel great about it.In fact I don't feel great about any porn at this point.This curiosity has made me think that maybe I was closeted gay or something else,even though I have always fantasized to women.You always hear all those stories of men who are womanizers or who have slept with hundreds of women that are secretly gay...but now my mind is looking for new more kinky stimulus.The problem is all this availability and convenience.I know for me,that staying away from the internet during the day is no problem because I work outside.The early mornings and late evenings is when I have to control my "creeper" compulsions.I'm now on my 3rd reboot and I am tired of feeling like shit and not being intimate with my wife.It's funny how there are so many opposing parties to the porn addiction phenomenon.At first almost made me feel like it was just some made up illness for sexual deviants...but when I saw Gabe Deem I knew it was real.Thanks again for all the kind words and support

 

[SlaveToRighteousness]

STR..why is it that people turn to other forms of porn? I've heard that the brain is so use to conventional porn that it almost views sexual acts btw a man and woman as..ho hum.I know for myself,that I haven't actually Mo'd to gay porn or bisexual porn,but I found myself curious to looking at the images and didn't feel great about it.In fact I don't feel great about any porn at this point.This curiosity has made me think that maybe I was closeted gay or something else,even though I have always fantasized to women.You always hear all those stories of men who are womanizers or who have slept with hundreds of women that are secretly gay...but now my mind is looking for new more kinky stimulus.

I'm not an expert, and you can probably read about this stuff at YBR, but my general understanding (based on reading and my own experience) is that PMO addiction is driven in large part by (1) a desire to satisfy a longing that we have, but (2) to try to do so in a way (i.e. through PMO) that doesn't actually satisfy that longing in us because it only leaves us wanting more.

I have come to believe that each of us longs for intimacy with another human being, where that intimacy includes (but is not limited to) sexual fulfillment. We seek to fulfill our longing by looking at naked women and such, but looking at one only makes us want to look at another, and once we have seen enough naked women, we want to see those naked women doing "normal" things with naked men, and once we have seen enough of that, we want to see naked women doing more extreme things with naked men, and since that doesn't satisfy us, then we start to look for increasingly extreme media that can (and often does) go outside of our own natural preferences and interests.

There's a line in the "Breaking the Cycle" book to the effect that "You can never get enough of what won't satisfy you". PMO will never satisfy our long for intimacy: that longing can only be fulfilled by another human being. In my case, I have been learning a lot about how to be fulfilled in my marriage, and I have been very pleased with the results so far.