I know I'm awesome, and I need time, help and action to become actualised

[fyg]

Did I use porn today? No
Did I proactively fantasize today? No
What were my triggers? N/A
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? See below
What am I grateful for today? Belief in that things will get better
Day counter! 20 (and at that, I'll forget the number again)
MW? Yes
Flatlining? Yes

Stuck with morning routine of making bed this AM. Flatling, noticeably, today, but noticed that checking women out still comes automatically - brain looking for dopamine but more important for me at the moment, it also shows just how conditioned I/we are... aka look at me and how manly I am, I can stare at women!! - note this for future self. This isn't a new realisation, but it's easy to forget. I know that I can stare at women on the street to get a return glance, and in that glance I receive validation. It's not cool to put your self-worth in the hands of another, and especially in something so fleeting, and basically imaginary (I mean, a glance isn't a relationship!). Happy to say, this has reduced quite a lot and I wish to replace the external validation with my own internal validation; without being glib - to go from a feeling of scarcity to one of abundance. Scarcity is a horrible feeling, and and is a dis-ease of the mind - I have it, but want to get rid.

Also, just now was feeling super depressed and sorry for self as going through a lonely patch and looking closely at my not-so-amazing-relationships... but! Thought f**k this! Got up, picked up the dumbbells and did 3 X 10 sets of shoulder presses and by bicep curls... and I'm happy to say, it worked! Still don't feel mentally amazing right now, but that interruption worked wonders! Don't think have combatted depression like that before.

Cheers for now.

 

[fyg]

http://rebootblueprint.com/secret-to-quit-pmo-reward/

Piece on Replacement Habits and positively enforcing them with reward. Interesting, I will try this also for my studies.

 

[fyg]

Did I use porn today? No
Did I proactively fantasize today? No
What were my triggers? N/A
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? Had jokes with housemates
What am I grateful for today? Not sure
Day counter! Not important at the moment
MW? Yes
Flatlining? Yes

 

[fyg]

1 X MO this morning. It had been ten days and this morning lacked the discipline to get out of bed (and unavoidably being unclassy here) and go and have a pi*s! The thought ran through my head "this is the discipline" to get up and not M. Anyway! Not gonna beat self up. It was a relief, and wasn't exactly disappointed I had afterwards. That doesn't mean I'm giving self carte blanche to MO all the time though, either.

I checked the days on my No MO a day or two ago, and I don't think it did me any favours? One, I was surprised I was nearly at 10 days (at that time) but, also, the knowledge of the day-count then becomes a weight/burden. I've written this in the past, but I'm not just typing it to repeat, but 25 years of habit is very obviously gonna come with frustrations. For me, the fact that I haven't masturbated becomes a sexual feeling because I feel potent, and thus the release has a sexual feel to it. Plus, I guess you just get used to wanking as a sexual outlet. My task is to transcend that somehow.

I did have a desire to PMO today, but didn't. Didn't check P, obviously. Well, not obviously, but I didn't, that's been three weeks now. Some pressures from study and laptop not working as should also made me want to 'solve' that with the aforementioned. Obviously gonna get nowhere if go down that road. Plus feelings for a friend other than friendship made today difficult with some fantasy that I just plain zoned out to... I can't say I deliberately created the fantasy or willfully engaged, but I didn't block the thoughts out once they were going. Shit man, sex and the idea of it is a powerful thing.

I'll leave it there for tonight. Cheers gents.

Did I use porn today? No
Did I proactively fantasize today? No
What were my triggers? MW and ten days of No MO = frustration.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? Needs no explanation.
What am I grateful for today? That I can read.
Day counter! Not important at the moment, and deleting this category-line from future posts.
MW? Yes
Flatlining? Unsure

 

[fyg]

I just looked over on the Quitting Porn board before I was gonna log off. This afternoon I read one dudes article where he quite rightfully expressed his point-of-view that porn isn't bad for everybody... and absolutely right he shared that view. I though, as I wish I didn't do, started to think on without engaging my brain or memory in an objective way, and started to think, yeah, maybe I haven't got a problem, or had one, with porn, either.

Then just now, saw a post by Gary Wilson refuting the same guys different points in another thread, so it turns out this guy is probably trolling.

The thing is, I forgot that back in the day I used to get DE (from, I would hazard a guess) an adolescence and later conditioning to filmic and magazine porn, and then got ED over the last small handful of years (edit: actually from 2008-2012 at times, and then again in 2015 with times during these dates where I didn't get ED); gladly hasn't been the case in this last year on the few occasions that I've had sexual interactions.

So, I think this shows me, that I'm headed in the right direction with my sexual health, but I'm not out of the woods yet. But, very importantly, that returning to porn will only put me back to where I was before. Because! Why wouldn't it!!

Here's to new neural pathways away from porn!

Peace x

 

[fyg]

Did I use porn today? No

Did I proactively fantasize today? Yes

What were my triggers? Possibly chaser effect from MO yesterday - did have desires to PMO and MO today - it was pretty tough.

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? Sat through it for a good while (as was reading about quitting PMO, so maybe triggering also). Went out and bought some chocolate for Easter treat - I just got a sugar crash after it and fell asleep! Ha ha. But, a little of what you fancy (apart from porn!!!) now-and-again ain't the end of the world. Then later, as cold has 90% gone now, went for the first run in a while (a little less than usual at 2.5 miles), and just a few weights later on. Had a protein drink with added spirulina afterwards. Feel good this evening. Just had a late nite cocoa to round things off.

What am I grateful for today? The blossom on the trees through the local park - it all looks fantastic, and late night cocoas

MW? Yes

Flatlining? I'll say No, as been getting wood today.

Will keep this post short and sweet for today, and I'll share this video on addiction that I first saw on William's thread to end. https://youtu.be/HUngLgGRJpo


Cheers! Good Night chaps & stay strong  8)

 

[olafthewise]

Fyg,
Just a short response to the encouragement you seek; I see that MO is an acceptable alternative to PMO. In our youth, testosterone begs us to release. Without a wife (or immoral girlfriend) to help us release, we are alone "handling" things ourselves in an effort to avoid porn and looking for other stimulation in a world of constant media. Continue looking to nature for "good feelings," its a good thing.
carry on.

 

[fyg]

Fyg,
Just a short response to the encouragement you seek; I see that MO is an acceptable alternative to PMO. In our youth, testosterone begs us to release. Without a wife (or immoral girlfriend) to help us release, we are alone "handling" things ourselves in an effort to avoid porn and looking for other stimulation in a world of constant media. Continue looking to nature for "good feelings," its a good thing.
carry on.

Thanks for your kind words, Olaf. May I ask, if you care to comment, on what you mean by an 'immoral girlfriend'? My thoughts are the same in that MO is preferable to PMO, but MO makes me depressed, unless I keep them quite a few days apart (which I struggle to do) and so ideally I would MO every 10-15 days, but up to now, I've been unable to do this with consistency and have always returned to more frequent MO or evetually PMO. May I also ask where you are in your journey with regards to P? Again, if you wish to share. I remember you posted here on my journal last year also, but I didn't respond back then. Thanks for posting, once more, I appreciate it... I'll continue with appreciating 'nature' also!

PS. I was in the process of posting when I saw somebody had posted, so now I've replied to you, I will post my post.

 

[fyg]

1 x PMO (edit: 2 x PMO). Started with looking at jpgs for a couple of minutes, then disabled safe-search, brought pornographic images, and then video. Looked at videos for 2 minutes. Shut down browser. Opened up again and watched videos (two or three of the same actress), wanged dick around (anything but hands), then a sort of edging (for a few minutes) and then PMO. K9 failed me this time, but it was me who was typing the search.

As ever, amazed is the wrong word, but I found the imagery very powerful after a couple of minutes. It's quite sad, but this actress is probably my surrogate gf (a good friend pointed this out to me last week - if I'm always looking at just her videos). I ALWAYS forget that this imagery will be powerful.

Triggers? College papers due; coming here; reading the Allen Carr hackbook yesterday [but I wanna read it to the end]; too many carbohydrates (a definite for me - makes me horny) especially when not balanced by protein and veg etc...; and also the prospect of real relations out in the world - with the potential risks that come ie. people you're attracted to or want to get to know aren't always available, reciprocal or single = a messy reality, unlike the unreality of porn.

I'm still on this, though. I was feeling sorry for myself earlier. Actually three hours ago I was sitting with my head in my knees, hand on back of head, just like... wow, how shit. Though, there was some solace in the acceptance of it being shit. But now, I'm determined to carry on. I find change is always exceptionally difficult, but also, I wonder how far I am from a real relationship (which has to mean the end of porn). The sooner I have real intimate relations with another, however that would play out, the better.

I'm gonna read the Allen Carr Hackbook a bit more.

edit: looked again at older choice of videos for 2nd PMO: note to self - just 'one look' leading to another, that you didn't think applies to you, does. Remember this. It's been a while since you PMO'd with regularity, but old habits seem to start to resurface.

 

[fyg]

Yesterday was disappointing. Last night I was angry about the 2 x PMO, which felt good, as rather than being hurt or passive about PMO, I was pushing back against it. Also, it's not like I haven't been having cravings lately, and re-reading about the science again in the Allen Carr Hackbook last night reminded me of the existing neural pathways that are lit up once you start going down, the quite literally, slippy (greased by DeltaFosB) slope. It is my job to remember this next time a craving comes.

I think it is time to start implementing immediate pattern interrupts when I get cravings to look at soft jpg's now (a precursor to watching filmic porn some time, days, weeks later). I lifted weights for a few minutes a few days ago to combat depression, there's no reason why I can't do the same for P cravings. So, that's what I'm gonna do from now on...

When I'm at home, I'll lift weights, stretch, do a chore, do something, anything... and when I'm out, well, I'll think of something.

 

[fyg]

Wishing everybody a great day. I have therapy later, and looking forward to it as didn't have a session last week.

 

[fyg]

Therapy was good. But after a few days I lose the post-session certainty, and start to get stressed. Things are right up in the air at the moment. I got college papers due which always stresses me the fuck out. Plus messaging and talking to real women in the real world is putting me into an existential fucking crisis. What are they thinking? Will anything come of this? Does the one girl I'm interested in have a boyfriend or not? Does the other? Just answering my own question there - why don't I ask them? The last week I've been dying to have sex, been frustrated, been fantasising at times. But also working out and trying to eat healthy.

If anybody is wondering why I'm talking to more than one woman... Well, life doesn't seem to work out how you want it does it. Like people and opportunities don't come along in an orderly fashion on a conveyor belt!! A mixture of something like me getting used to asking for what I want (which I'm still terrible at, but making moves in that direction that are good sometimes); making decisions!!!; that women seem to enjoy the indirect elusivity of communications when it comes to romance and sex etc... also, though, I think at the right time they appreciate directness, and that balance of being subtle and direct eludes me; that I'm insecure and have low self-esteem; and that I'm just not that great at this game that is courting people. Anyway, so I've been interested in one girl for a few months now - with whom I think we've both given mixed signals to each other, and I'm trying to work out if she's still interested, and with the other, who is a friend, things have developed to another level of interest for me recently (which was unexpected). I need to be more direct with both of them to find out what's going on. Leaving the realms of fantasy (things always go good in your head) and into the real world is fucking really emotionally uncomfortable.

1 x MO this morning, as walking round with a loaded cock just adds to the frustration and of me wondering what's gonna happen, if anything. Which at the moment, is nothing. I've experienced this sort of turbulence before, and I think it's a mixture of transferring sexual desire into the real world, and an addiction to sexual thoughts. Hopefully I'll get chance to see what's what over the next few days. Also, added to sexual feelings is one of me not wanting to be an asshole, and still be friendly.

If you've read, thanks for reading these confused ramblings.

 

[workinprogressUK]

Best therapist I ever worked with told me that sometimes, you've just got to suck-up the discomfort. Former addicts like you and I have been avoiding things that makes us uncomfortable for ages. Other people with maybe a bit more emotional balance just accept that sometimes, things feel uncomfortable and they just get on with it.

Maybe when you look at the discomfort from a different perspective, you might think "wow", because you're doing really exciting things in the real world that you only used to do on your head. Sounds pretty awesome to me!

 

[fyg]

Thanks WIPUK, your post means a lot!

I really like the 'looking from a different perspective', too. Thank you, man.

 

[fyg]

Procrastinated heavily today on college work. Basically did nothing. Not the end of the world, though. I'm disappointed, but not in a beat myself up way. Just in a way that this can't go on. WIPUK quoted Joe Rogan today (UFC), and I'm not a UFC fan, either, but JR was about addressing the things that need doing as a priority... your responsibilities...in that once they're done, you can relax in an anxiety free way... and I remembered an Eastern saying, maybe Zen... "the obstacle is the path". I am starting to believe more and more that this is one approach we can take to life. I don't think it's a cure-all though, as in if you address the immediate everything else (problems) will fall away, but it must give a clear path and a structure to life if you can operate that way, surely?

Anyways, everything is easier said than done, so the thought of Joe Rogans, kindly shared by @workinprogressUK, resonated with me today, and that's enough for now and to hopefully assimilate into my life somehow, as in with studies, that is meaningful and effective.

Close to looking at soft jpg's today, and thankfully thought on how the 'slippery slope' greased by DeltaFosB would only hurtle me towards certain doom if I hit that enter button. So thankfully went out and got some healthy groceries for this week, instead.

Anyways gents... way past my bedtime now.

Thanks and Goodnight

 

[olafthewise]

Fyg,

Where am I with porn? I do not stress over relapse. If I want to see a nude chick, I look for my wife's nude Tahiti pics from 10 years ago or my favorite pic site (one without advertisements). I look at some nudes and move on. Sometimes I will look at more a couple of days later, sometimes I will go 2 weeks. These days I like Pinterest, but I like old car pics, history, architecture and pets pics. I am aware that Pinterest has nudes but my habits are other things like I mentioned so the database will not show any nudes on my profile. My other computer habits are job searches, news, some Facebook and LinkedIn.
If one looks at my past porn habits, it was everyday soft core nudes every time I was alone including in the bathroom and for hours after dinner. In the past, whenever I went online it was to look at nude pics of young women. Constant waste of daily time. Then I discovered this site; did a self analysis of my brain stimulation to see if I could measure my actual satisfaction of my porn habits. I realized that my wife was the most satisfying for sexual fulfilment. But often our relationship is shaky and she detests my unemployment and blames me, punishing me with a lackluster interest in sexual desire and any solutions to increase it. I eventually gave up, turned to porn again and later realized I could satisfy my brain with other things and keep the stimulation going and easily not have to hide those other things. So I decreased the porn viewing deliberately and over time discovered that edging from time to time was better if desperate (keeps the organ in "shape") Next thing I knew, I found myself doing more internet searches for other non sexual content. If I was really feeling like my wife was holding back sexually, I could turn to Christian marriage and sex sites that help to answer Christians questions regarding sexual rhetoric and old out dated beliefs.

Even now I feel like she is ignoring my sexual needs and I feel ok about NOT viewing porn and I feel totally in-tempted. Its too bad though since the relationship always suffers when sex is set aside. Statistically, marriages don't survive without sex unless there is a substitute like the man has a business or one or both are ill, etc.