Time to change! [weekly journal]

[longway]

[Sorry for my bad english, it is not my native language]


...and so it begins..

Hy, I 'm 31 years old and my live is a pile!
What a good way to start my First posting here :S

I will tell straight away my story, my past and my addiction to porn.
This will be my first step, and reading everything i can about it of course!

I guess it begun when i was 18, after my Girlfriend betrayal me with my best friend.  It hurt very hard and i almost lost my believe in nice/frindly people. I found satisfaction later on in the internet, back then it was not so distinctive as the last 10 years. With 20 i found someone new in my live, but it was only an sex relationship...nowdays i guess, the reason why it was only a sex relationship is, becasue i was maybe already to deep in the internet porn world!? After a year it was over. My addiction to internet porn became stronger. almost daily over month, over years... sometimes it's slowed down,  then only a week. since my last girlfriend with 20, i'm still single. Over 10 years or maybe longer....  To be honest, these wasn't relationships at all. Never build up on love! I had never someone in my whole live who loved my as i would love her! The Internet porn gave me something i never rly have experienced. Without the pain to get abandon.

My whole live is build up on porn, my live have no relationship to any human kind! And i know that, and it's hurts me! Everyday! I have no friends, i have no job (nonetheless, i have an education and i served my country in the army).

My live is this, what you see here....

i need to rebuild my mind!

my plan
-post in this thread everyday
-make an calendar (so i can see what i already 've managed)
-read and view more videos
-learn about this addiction!
-make sport (even if it is only in my own room)


when i will not overcome this, then i have failed as human! I do not want to be any longer just a failure

                                                                 


day 9 24.06.14

seems i can't set spoilers,.. well ok.
Then i have to deal with it!
I have to say, my addict Seems not to exert me alot?! So far no problems.


                                                                 

day 10 25.06.14

so , i decide today to delete old postings when this is getting to long!
I guess it will be ok as long as i have the date in the header!

I must say, it is rly good to see that i have ten days without this drug!
...i should rly start with sport!

 

[longway]

I see i miss a day, i'm feeling not well. Have Headache since yesterday.

So i saw, after reading some other threads, that it is ok to make double posts, i guess that way it would be better!
And maybe i should write a bit more, but keep in mind that my english is not very god!

Today it is day 12 and i'm still clean! You may already notice that i try to reshape some words to avoid thoughts about the Problem. I know, someday i have to face the facts etc...

so far i'm still not doing sports! But i will catch up on that! But right now i'm not feeling well.

 

[123bob]

Dang man ! This is a tough story... sounds like you need more help than just stopping porn. However think this is a great site.

Just remember that you are the master of your fate and if you want someone to love in real life than you need to start small and go from there. Start taking some chances. When's the last time you asked out that cute girl from your office or at the bar ? Go for it !

 

[longway]

Day 13

I guess it is the shock, after learning about this addict! I will stay away from it! At any cost! I know it will be a hard time but so far i think i'm doing great!

I will fill my live with other things, doing music, sport and other stuff.. idk what, i will see, maybe a videogame where i have to learn many things. Civ5 or something like that!

Yesterday i reconize for the very first time that some girls on the street are look at me. This is something new to me, or at least something i forget for a very long time!


thanks for the kind words @123bob this will help a lot too ^^
Yeah, i should find some small goals on my long way! But i will not fall back into my addiction

 

[longway]

Day 14

well well, 2 weeks. Time for a little summary.
So far what helped me a lot!

Reading other people story/experience, this helped rly a lot!
Making a daily journal is good too! It's support to reflect itself better.
Then we have block software, https://addons.mozilla.org/de/firefox/addon/cloudacl-anti-porn-pro/?src=search this one is rly good!
Deleting anything on my HDD, Everything! Even Videoames with questionable content!
Avoid contact to the Substanz of my addiction (even in my postings)

The most what is helping is, remind myself what i want to accomplish! So, i guess this daily post here is helping a lot!

Still i want to start sport and try to find some new hobbys or get back to make little bit music. Maybe a good Videogame can change my focus on other stuff.

 

[longway]

Day 15

well, i'm little bit lost.
Feeling depresiv again...

idk what to write right now.

idk how this will change my life? But i know that it will change in some why my lifestyle! A Cold shower would be good right now!
One thing i know absolutley, i will not give up!

I guess, i have to say this every day to myself!

 

[123bob]

don't give up !

 

[longway]

Day 16

One more day to not give up!

I should do more things, to fill my life! Maybe i could learn english a bit more! I really should use the internet for a better thing! Finding new hobbys and stuff like that is not easy! Sometimes I'm a bit under pressure but for some reason i can handle this addict so far! i guess it was the shock after reading all this stuff about it.

You have to know, I'm not unfamiliar with drugs. A good friend is on meth.... the only friend i have, is on meth!
(Yeah, great. Sounds not great when i re-read this)
The Point is, he shows exactly the same manners (manner-or airs- that what google translate gave me)
And before i found this, and read it, i was unable to see my addict!

 

[gotet]

Good for you that you bailed this porn crap brah! Start buildning strength brah! Learn to play some instrument brah! Fill your time with creative thing instead of this porn shit brah! Use your body brah! That is why we have been given this body brah! With all new computers and veichales we have gained the ability to do NOTHING brah! That is when porn strikes brah! It?s crap brah!

 

[longway]

day 17

Let's see what i can do today. So far no relapse! But also nothing really to fill my life with other stuff. I really want to do sport, learn to speak english better, make music again and so on... but right no i feel burned out. I even do not know what i could write.

At least i have my old sleep rhythm back!
So i guess, that i should do next some morning fitness/sport. The more small steps i have as more goals i get!

@gotet,
thanks for the kind words  

 

[123bob]

Killin in it brah !

 

[longway]

Day 18

almost a month, i guess i'm on a good way. But still make no sport, have to say i'm very lazy!
The pressure is somehow more intense, but so far i can deal with it. The last few days my voice seems to tune wrong, almost like if i would be in puberty again. I start more and more watch what i say/write, how i said and so on. I guess this will keep up a little longer.

I would like to learn more about what happen right now. I remember, not long ago, that i read something about hormone fluctuations and that you can destroy it by self-gratification! Of course, my hormone household is messed up right now. I guess my body trys to normalize itself right now. 

 

[longway]

day 19

almost 20 days!
I have not enough time to write something. Just wanted to make my daily "I'm still save" post!
And again, i did no sports! I rly should start making sport, i'm so lazy right now.

 

[oncelostnowfound]

Don't worry about starting a sport so much.  Of course it would be good for you on many levels, but I think you are doing very well.  You are still going strong and you are being honest with yourself and the forum about your process.  My first two weeks were easy.  I almost became complacent  Day 14 sucked, but I felt better after coming here, reading and posting.  While we all experience this problem from our on shoes, I really feel like this is the only place where I can talk to people who truly get it.

We are gonna beat this.  We've already started... brah!

 

[longway]

Day 20

Yesterday I'm freaked out, yelled my sister! As if I were back in the puberty, i guess that's the side effect! Good to know i'm in the healing process :S It's starting to get seriously! Without the help i got from here, and all the stuff i read here i would fall back!

I see this addiction more and more as something very bad! On top of that, seeing all these over sexualization in Media. i get a bad feeling! This problem have to be more address in public! People, young people should become aware of this problem, the problem to mess with the body hormones!

I read something on wiki about that, maybe i should drink more camomiles tea for the regulation of the body's hormones.

@oncelostnowfound, thank you for the kind words ^^

 

[silent_warrior]

You are right, this problem should be addressed in public. The problem is there are very few people like Gabe who would come in public, accept, and address the issue. The perception of porn needs to be changed. Hopefully someday people would realize and make it necessary for the kids to read the material like yourbrainonporn.com. At this point all we have is this forum and YBOP website.

You should also create a counter. That will help you track the days for you and also it makes you feel better seeing the percentage to your target. You are almost 3 weeks into the process and pretty soon you'll start feeling like porn was a thing of past. I wish you good luck in your reboot process and hope you'll be posting more about your feelings, experiences, and adventure with us. There is a lot in your forum entries that one could relate and learn. Keep up the good work.

 

[longway]

Day 21

Today i had a Nocturnal emission/wet dream or also called spontaneous ejaculation.
I'm right now on google/wiki looking into it. It seems i'm officially in puberty again!
30 years old and in puberty!

I guess that means a fall back, but i will still stay strong and fight!
After reading the wiki, it was only a matter of time until that happens.
I have to deal with it and should not think, that's it!

viewed differently, the healing process of my body is still on course and these are the side effects!


@silent_warrior, thank you for the support ^^

 

[longway]

Day 22

It almost feel like i have to start again since yesterday! i hope i have not to deal again with Nocturnal emission!
I will not give up! And i have to say, these 20 days gone very fast! I also noticed that I have developed more attention to my environment, regarding to women! It feels like i almost forgot how beautiful and perfect the eyes of an women can be!

it feels like, i got tricked by the mass media with their over sexualitzon on purpose!

I startet to read about "Subliminal" and "MK Ultra" ... it is not nice what i found and on top of that many things are very in the term of
conspiracy theorys! I should give that not to much attention! But to be save, i will try to avoid this too!

 

[longway]

Day 23

Notice how my body calmed down, the last few days were messed up.
I guess this will come and go, like on a rollercoaster.

idk what i should write today!? I feel a bit empty.

 

[123bob]

Keep at it ! No need to feel empty cause you are awesome !