Conquering Ego and Mastering Discipline (Journal)

[planet_earth_is_blue]

DAY 7

In a few hours, I will have completed the first week without PMO, video games, and browsing (Reddit/imgur).

My initial goals for this week were:

- 15min/day Reddit browsing allowed
- Prepare at least 2 meals/day in advance
- Bed by 8pm
- No games

Instead of browsing for 15 min/day, I went above and beyond by just cutting those habits completely. The purpose of this goal was to avoid exposing myself to triggers and to avoid procrastinating from school work.

For the first three days, I did not prep any meals in advance. However, these past few days, I have been eating very well as a result of cooking a lot of chicken, tilapia, salmon, and beef in advance. I have tracked the exact macros/calories for the last two days and I'm relieved to be meeting my nutritional requirements. I weigh each of my portions before eating and use either online databases or nutrition labels to deduce macros. I need to find a better way to compile each day's data besides Google Docs, though. The purpose of this goal was to reduce the stress caused by me thinking that I wasn't eating enough.

Bed by 8pm. I failed this one pretty miserably. When I set this goal, I was trying to improve on my 9-10pm usual bed time. However, during the last week, I went to bed around 11pm-1am. It all started because the Warrior's games didn't start until 8:30 pm and so I stayed up later than usual in order to watch them. I need to reset my sleep schedule starting tonight. The purpose of this goal was to get more rest so I'm not so tired when I wake up at 5am for my 6am workouts.

No games. Success! I did, however, watch a YouTube video that was related to gaming. I did not feel any urges, and the video was enjoyable, but I should be careful about exposing myself to potential triggers in the future.
___________

I like my current approach to self-improvement but I'd like to add a few things to the list and refine others. For the next 23 days (+7 makes a month of no PMO/games), I will follow these rules:

- No MO, PMO, video games, browsing (reddit, imgur, youtube). In addition, limit Netflix use to 1 hour max
- Continue to prepare protein sources in advance
- Track workouts/diet as precisely as possible
- 10 Minutes of meditation every night
- Bed by 8pm

The two things I need to work on the most are meditation and being in bed by 8pm.

In order to help with meditation, I?ve installed an app called ?Calm? which I?ve used twice.

Being in bed by 8pm is going to take some discipline but once I make a habit of it and my internal clock shifts, it should become easier.

 

[achilles heel]

Good plan to cut out image related mindless browsing (Reddit, imgur) as it feeds the search for novelty and random triggers appear. You're making progress and a relapse after 32 days isn't a reset to 0. Just think of it as having won 31 days of your life without porn. Every day counts! Keep up the good work, you will make it!

 

[planet_earth_is_blue]

DAY 10/DAY 0

Welp.

I let the stress of school and acne get the best of me today. The worst part about this relapse is that I didn't even feel aroused before making the conscious decision to search for P; this relapse was 100% just me trying to escape from uncomfortable emotions.

I even read my "safety-net" (a simple notecard I keep in my dresser) to myself, along with 2 hours of reading Your Brain On Porn beforehand. Despite all this, at the end of the day, I ignored my better judgement and gave in.

Safety-net
Are you trying to escape?
It's just an urge, it will pass.
Don't make a habit of numbing yourself to life; embrace the positive and the negative.

This is so fucked up. I'm getting real tired of being so weak minded. If I can't beat this, how will I be successful in other areas of my life? I don't want to chalk today up to being overwhelmed?that's just an excuse. I put myself in this position by procrastinating for the last 3 years. I don't live my life with any particular urgency and it's becoming an issue.

We must suffer one of two things. The pain of discipline or the pain of regret and disappointment - Jim Rohn

They both hurt.
At the end of the day though you can be proud of yourself for suffering the discipline, or hate yourself for suffering regret. - NoFap user

The pain of regret and disappointment is feeling pretty heavy right now.

Side note: I think it's worth mentioning that I haven't played any games for the last 10 days. Not a huge accomplishment considering I would often unintentionally go 10 days without playing. Regardless, resetting my counter is mandatory.

 

[achilles heel]

This is so fucked up. I'm getting real tired of being so weak minded. If I can't beat this, how will I be successful in other areas of my life? I don't want to chalk today up to being overwhelmed?that's just an excuse. I put myself in this position by procrastinating for the last 3 years. I don't live my life with any particular urgency and it's becoming an issue.

And there is no urgency, don't be too harsh on yourself! The important thing is to keep focused on overcoming the addiction, every period of 30 days without porn is progress. Reducing porn consumption from once a day to once a week to once a month is progress. If gaming is too much of a bad habit, get some other distraction you might use in situations of extreme stress. What do you do to relax? Make sure, porn is not the only way out of your hard daily schedule, because it might be you're burning out on too much discipline and thus making it harder to resist cravings.

We must suffer one of two things. The pain of discipline or the pain of regret and disappointment - Jim Rohn

They both hurt.
At the end of the day though you can be proud of yourself for suffering the discipline, or hate yourself for suffering regret. - NoFap user

The pain of regret and disappointment is feeling pretty heavy right now.

Don't "hate yourself", but look rationally at what you want and what you don't want in your life. I'm just speaking for myself, but all my "I hate myself so much for relapsing, I will never ever look at porn again"-intents failed miserably. The key is loving and understanding, not hating and punishing yourself. Don't take this too emotionally, but rather analyze rationally what went wrong and in what areas to change your life to finally achieve your goals. Healthy habits are important, but they're not everything in life.

 

[planet_earth_is_blue]

The key is loving and understanding, not hating and punishing yourself. Don't take this too emotionally, but rather analyze rationally what went wrong and in what areas to change your life to finally achieve your goals.

It means a lot to me that you are taking the time to lend me your support, Achilles. I've taken your advice and I've begun to look at my struggles this week through a different lens.

If I analyze this week, it becomes apparent as to why I caved. Studying was a priority this past week, and it got to the point that my workouts and diet began to suffer. As a result, I became sad that I was making studying more difficult than it had to be. There was no reason for me to skipping meals and not getting enough sleep. I could have finished all of my work in a quarter of the time that I eventually spent. Man, I really thought that by this age I would understand how to meet deadlines without sacrificing basic necessities (sleep, exercise, nutrition), but alas, I'm still a little boy searching for ways to numb himself and ignore responsibilities.

What do you do to relax?

Thank you for bringing this up. I've been thinking about ways I can distract myself in the evening that don't involve a screen. The issue, however, is that I can't enjoy reading at home because whenever my sister is home it is impossible for me to have any peace. We are not on good terms and she doesn't respond well to requests for her to keep noise levels down no matter how polite or forgiving I am. She has no self-awareness. One of the main reasons I look forward to moving out is that I'll finally have some peace... These are all just excuses, however. I am totally capable of finding a place to read if I was truly motivated. You're absolutely right, though. I need to find a new way to relax.

I just finished my finals so I have some time to reflect and rekindle the flame that burned a month ago. My goal right now is to simplify my life. I want to live like an old man, minus the limitations of deteriorating health (of course). I want to wake up and go to bed at the same time every day. I want to go to the gym at the same time. I want to consistently eat meals 2-3 hours apart from each other. In general, I want to minimize the thought needed to perform the fundamentals of a healthy lifestyle.

On a different note, my brain is SCREAMING "get it while you can" ever since the initial relapse. Holy shit!

 

[achilles heel]

I really thought that by this age I would understand how to meet deadlines without sacrificing basic necessities (sleep, exercise, nutrition), but alas, I'm still a little boy searching for ways to numb himself and ignore responsibilities.

Well, "by this age" sounds like you're an old man, but you're 20! When I was 20 I had a girlfriend who wanted me to live together with her and all I was thinking is that I couldn't watch porn all the time anymore if I did so. My nutrition was fast food and soda and procrastinating meant I wouldn't manage to finish my work in time on many occasions. And even today I've got lots of friends who will be 30 soon and still behave like this. Just take a look around and realize how many people are hooked on any kind of bad habit and don't even realize having a problem! We're the lucky few who managed to admit our problem and then there is the even fewer ones who kick their bad habits. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, allow yourself some procrastinating and some (!) "uselessness". As long as it isn't porn, everything's alright. You will overcome your addiction, I'm sure!

My goal right now is to simplify my life. I want to live like an old man, minus the limitations of deteriorating health (of course). I want to wake up and go to bed at the same time every day. I want to go to the gym at the same time. I want to consistently eat meals 2-3 hours apart from each other. In general, I want to minimize the thought needed to perform the fundamentals of a healthy lifestyle.

On a different note, my brain is SCREAMING "get it while you can" ever since the initial relapse. Holy shit!

Don't live like an old man or your brain will keep screaming. You can live like an old man when you're an old man. It will happen soon enough. You love nature, you love animals, you love photography. Pack your back and travel, discover new places, meet people, do something that really fulfills you. You can keep your healthy habits alongside!

 

[IAdmitItIHaveAProblem]

Edit: May 24
Hey, I noticed the counter. Don't give up! I'm tellin ya, keep trying!

We're in this together, G. Talk to us, what's been going on? Have you been in communicado with your brother about this stuff? How can I help you make progress?


(Older message) You're still a winner in my book. If at first you don't succeed, right?

Don't forget, you got people rooting for you. Don't hesitate to use the community as a helping tool. (Something I plan on integrating more with myself)

 

[planet_earth_is_blue]

Hey Z,

I haven't talked to my brother in a month. I've made a few efforts to connect with him but it feels like he doesn't care much for what's going on at home. I don't blame him since most of it is pretty grim, but it would be nice if he at least made an effort to check on his little brother. I guess we've finally reached that age where we're both doing our own thing.

Thank you so much for the kind words and overall thoughtfulness.

How can I help you make progress?

You've helped me a lot already by simply checking in on me once in a while. It helps get me out of my head for a moment.

 

[planet_earth_is_blue]

DAY 1

Posting for the sake of posting. Here's a mini-update/reflection on the past week...

I've been binging on video games and Reddit browsing every day for the last 6 days (since I finished my final, to be exact). Today is the first day that I missed a workout due to video games, though.

I should mention that my day only feels successful if I have met my daily health goals: eating well, exercising, and sleeping well. In the past 6 days, I've skipped meals, sat in a chair all day long, and stayed up late. Granted, I got workouts in, but they did not feel as efficient as before the initial relapse.

Until I feel more stable and I've gone at least 10 days, I probably won't be interacting much on the forum. There is no logic behind this, 10 days does not have any significance, I just feel shitty.

That being said, I really appreciate everyone who has reached out to me while I've been MIA. Seriously, you guys have helped me immensely in the last few months. Thank you.

 

[achilles heel]

Until I feel more stable and I've gone at least 10 days, I probably won't be interacting much on the forum. There is no logic behind this, 10 days does not have any significance, I just feel shitty.

There is a logic behind, as this forum is meant to be a support during hard times. And every day has its significance! It's in your hands to make any single day a good day, no matter how many days you have been clear before. No matter how many times you fall, you have to get up once more. So get up, forget about the counter and make this day a good one!

 

[planet_earth_is_blue]

DAY 2

Learning & Expanding (credit to Siphus)

A book titled The Power of Habit (by Charles Duhigg) has caught my attention recently. I?ve actually been reading it instead of gaming, which should serve as evidence for just how much of a hold the book has on me at the moment.

I?m not great at summarizing books in a concise manner so here?s a few quotes from the ?praise? section describing the book:

?Duhigg clearly knows that people do not like, or even buy, the idea that we?re not creatures of choice. He carefully explains each step of habit building, using science and?the best part?a slew of interesting anecdotes.? - The Seattle Times

?Mr. Duhigg argues that much of our lives is ruled by unconscious habits, good and bad, but that by becoming consciously aware of the cues that trigger our habits and the rewards they provide, we can change bad practices into good ones.? - Pittsburg Post-Gazette

Personally, the book is helping me better understand how habits are formed and what strategies I can use to adopt new healthy habits or defeat old bad habits (such as PMO).

Anyways, I just want to share a passage I read this morning that resonated with me.

In the book, Duhigg mentions Alcoholics Anonymous and how the program has managed to reform so many people. However, he also talks about why so many people go back to drinking after a stressful event occurs in their life. Many of us here have gone a few months without P and discovered that life is much better without it. Why then, do so many of us struggle to maintain our streaks? The answer may be that, despite significant lifestyle changes, we don?t TRULY believe in ourselves.

One group of researchers at the Alcohol Research Group in California noticed a pattern in interviews [with alcoholics]. Over and over again, alcoholics said the same things: Identifying cues and choosing new routines is important, but without another ingredient, the new habits never fully took hold.

The secret, the alcoholics said, was God.

Researchers hated that explanation. God and spirituality are not testable hypotheses. Churches are filled with drunks who continue drinking despite pious faith. In conversation with addicts, though, spirituality kept coming up again and again. So in 2005, a group of scientists?this time affiliated with UC Berkeley, Brown University, and the National Institutes of Health?began asking alcoholics about all kinds of religious and spiritual topics. Then they looked at the data to see if there was any correlation between religious belief and how long people stayed sober.

A pattern emerged. Alcoholics who practiced the techniques of habit replacements, the data indicated, could often stay sober until there was a stressful event in their lives?at which point, a certain number started drinking again, no matter how many new routines they had embraced.

However, those alcoholics who believed, that some higher power had entered their lives were more likely to make through the stressful periods with their sobriety intact.

It wasn?t God that mattered, the researchers figured out. It was belief itself that made a difference. Once people learned how to believe in something, that skill started spilling over to other parts of their lives, until they started believing they could change. Belief was the ingredient that made a reworked habit loop into a permanent behavior.

? ?Even if you give people better habits, it doesn?t repair why they started drinking in the first place,? said Tongan, the University of New Mexico researcher. ?Eventually, they?ll have a bad day, and no new routine is going to make everything seem okay. What can make a difference is believing that they can cope with that stress without alcohol.?

By putting alcoholics in meetings where belief is a given?where, in fact, belief is an integral part of the twelve steps?AA trains people in how to believe in something until they believe in the program and themselves.

?At some point, people in AA look around the room and think, if it worked for that guy, I guess it can work for me, said Lee Ann Kaskutas, a senior scientist at the Alcohol Research Group. ?There?s something really powerful about groups and shared experiences. People might be skeptical about their ability to change if they?re by themselves, but a group will convince them to suspend disbelief. A community creates belief."

The precise mechanisms of belief are still little understood? But we do know that for habits to permanently change, people must believe that change is feasible. The same process that makes AA so effective?the power of a group to teach individuals how to believe?happens whenever people come together to help one another change. Belief is easier when it occurs within a community.(pgs. 83-89)

TL;DR ?If you identify the cues and rewards, you can change the routine. At least most of the time. For some habits, however, there?s one other ingredient that?s necessary: belief.? (pg. 78)

So far (90/270 pgs) this book is amazing and I encourage all of you to read it. There are so many anecdotes that bring each little bit of research to life. For example, before this discussion about belief, Duhigg shares the story of a father who struggled with drinking and substance abuse. For this father, in particular, belief was essential for him to begin taking recovery seriously. Each piece of research is brought to life through real-life stories. Not to mention, there are a lot of other interesting chapters in the book that are not so personal (how a 20th-century ad-man made toothbrushing a national habit, for example).

That is all. Start believing in yourself! Inspire others!

 

[IAdmitItIHaveAProblem]

Finish the book yet? 

 

[achilles heel]

Hey blue, how are you doing? Hope you're just too busy to relapse

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey Blue!

Hope you're rockin it dude!!

How're things going with your fitness training?

Much support to you!

-Peace