Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber

[Faptain America]

Hey guys! Didn't get to my journal this weekend but I'm here now! I've had several job opportunities and other things going on these past few weeks that have shuffled around my free time. I'm glad to see everyone is doing pretty well on the porn front. Since I started partway through march i'm at about 80% success. Going into the future i'd like to get that above 85%. May is here and i'm hoping to get to at least three weeks. In this update I want to address my two week mark and my findings therein.

Post Six- The Sexy Six

Alright, so back on March 22nd I made noPMO history for myself and hit the two week mark. At that time I could definitely notice a large reduction in urge intensity, if not volume. I no longer felt as though porn was so much of a want that it was bordering need. I certainly missed it though. My endurance during sex has gone way down as well which is a bit of a bummer. I'm going to supplement Kegel exercises into my daily routine because I definitely want to last longer during sex. On the plus side, i'm noticing a change to my refractory period (the time it takes you to go for seconds) so i'm curious if i'll be able to have a round two within the same session of sexy time with my wife.

This is where things may get a little controversial with you guys out there: I made the choice to go back to porn after the two week mark. I didn't have to. I could've kept going. I wanted to see what would happen to me if I went back to it as part of this process.

For the first few days I didn't notice a measurable change backwards, but for the following days I noticed immediate regression towards my pre-noPMO state. This is revealing to me. This affirms that I was making progress with re-wiring which is a bit of a duh, but it also gives me sort of a framework for what kind of "grace period" I have between relapses dependent on how long i've gone without porn.

I also noticed that it's harder to get started rebooting again post relapse if i've gone a few weeks or longer noPMO. It's also harder to stay on track for the first two or three days because I feel like since I don't have many days logged I could just start back at day one with little consequence for my streak.

I don't have any new strategies this time around because I feel what I was doing was working very well. Now that I have this data i'm confident that I can make it three weeks. I'd love to get to four weeks this time around but that is a secondary goal at this point.

Also, I don't know if this is going to happen or not but as a super-long-term goal i'd love to get to the point where I could still watch porn occasionally. This may take several years or may never happen. I don't know. Just a thought.

So that's pretty much it. Three days in this time around. Thanks for reading.

-The Faptain

 

[CrowMagnum]

Also, I don't know if this is going to happen or not but as a super-long-term goal i'd love to get to the point where I could still watch porn occasionally. This may take several years or may never happen. I don't know. Just a thought.

Dangerous.  You're keeping the hope of viewing porn one day.  This will only serve to trip you up easier.  It would be best for you to let go of any notion of viewing porn in the future. 

I don't have any new strategies this time around because I feel what I was doing was working very well. Now that I have this data i'm confident that I can make it three weeks. I'd love to get to four weeks this time around but that is a secondary goal at this point.

As someone who has done similar things as testing things out to see repercussions to gain an idea of framework I would suggest not wasting time testing such things.  Ultimately opting to gain this perspective is counterproductive to yours goals.  If you can keep going, keep going.  The perspective gained during relapse can be useful, but choosing to relapse when one is in control and could go further is avoidable.  I have done that sort of thing a number of times in the past and came to realize it became a longer and longer cycle I could have avoided entirely and used my energies earnestly combating and supplanting PMO addiction.

I intend for this to be a matter-of-fact tone, not a harsh or judgmental one.  Keep up the good work, and keep growing.

 

[vigilantwarrior]

I agree with Crow, but if you felt the need to take things from a scientific experiment perspective, I just urge you to remember that conclusion firmly, which is a cool one for sure. Remember the same conclusion once you're 4 or 5 weeks in, because for many of us, we can start to think that it's safe to drift back to it because we forget how terribly it screws us up, and we learn it the hard way. So now that you got the experiment done, I'm excited to see your newfound conviction let's do this man.

-siphus

 

[achilles heel]

From my experience I also totally agree with Crow and siphus, as I told you before in terms of the bikini pics. On the other hand I fully support your goals, your choices and your definition of reboot. You define what you want to achieve and maybe you are different from those of us who learned the hard way to be unable to control this addiction. But maybe you're not and you could learn from the mistakes that others made before and save lots of time and spare you painful relapses.

As I said, it's your decision, but you should listen to advises of those who failed over and over again and take them into consideration. Whatever your conclusion might be, you'll have my full support anyway!

 

[Faptain America]

Thanks guys for all the advice. I definitely don't intend to do the experiment again. I did it this time because it was the first time I made it that long. I acquired some interesting data moving forward. As far as the long term porn thought, it's really just a thought. It's so far away I really don't know if its feasible or not at this stage. I will give the "hope" stuff a thought though because I didn't really think of that.

Post Seven

Yeah couldn't think of a funny title today.

I relapsed today, dangit. I had a nice 12 day run going too. I'm disappointed that I couldn't make it three weeks this try, but I'm happy my stretches without relapses are gaining.

Last night I had some drinks with friends and woke up in the middle of the night super horny. I didn't watch then but instead fantasized. Today I was hit with a monstrous urge and gave in. Crap. I know it's because I have alot of stressors going on in my life. It's a bit of a bummer today. I'm also tired which isn't helping.

June 3rd is my new goal which will be three weeks again. I'm going on vacation for some of that so I won't be near some temptations in my battle. That should give me the push I need to get past week two.

Well that's pretty much it today. I'll check back soon.

Cheers,

-The Faptain

 

[achilles heel]

I relapsed today, dangit. I had a nice 12 day run going too. I'm disappointed that I couldn't make it three weeks this try, but I'm happy my stretches without relapses are gaining.

You're making progress! Every day without porn is a good day and if you look back at a month watching porn twice it's definitely something to be proud of if it was twenty times the month before. Stay on track and keep improving!

 

[Faptain America]

Thanks buddy. I feel alot better about it today. After I got done on here I immediately worked out since that was lacking too. I was like "well, do something then!"

I deleted a bunch of porn as well so that the temptation isn't there. It's progress.

 

[CrowMagnum]

Faptain,

Good on ya for deleting your porn.  Keep making those improvements and setting yourself up for greater success. 

Best,
CM

 

[LeirTheFox]

Hey Fappy,

Just passing by to thank you for the encouragement back there. I'm back, finally. Feeling more sober than usual.

How are things with'cha? I noticed you haven't come here often for some time.
Hope you're doing good.

Cheers,
L.

 

[Faptain America]

Hey guys,

I'm actually out of the country at the moment so I haven't had much time to get on here. I'll be back soon enough. Take care until then!

-The Faptain

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Right on man! Have a great trip and take care of yourself   We've all got your back!

 

[Faptain America]

Hey guys!

I'm back from vacation! Had a great time with my wife. I wanted to get on here quickly to update my journal so everyone can stop bugging me

Post Eight - Not-So-Hateful-Eight

So today is longer than any other time that I've gone without porn. I'm on day 17 and it's not going so well this week. The last two weeks were a complete breeze. Since Saturday I feel like someone has been tickling my prostate gland with the urges I've been having. I'm feeling like I want to go right back to the stuff I was looking at before and that's that. I'm not sure, but maybe it's because I'm closing in on my goal so it feels like once the goal is over I can have a "break" from the fight. Obviously this is not the plan but it may explain the sudden urges on the fairway.

There's definitely a part of me that is wanting the porn really badly and that's really the only thing stopping me from looking. I hate the idea that I strongly want/need something. I hate the idea of being addicted to anything.

On the plus side, I can see pictures of hot women in bikini's and the like without getting an urge anymore. I feel like when I was avoiding them it made me want to see them more which made it worse when I inevitably did throughout the day. Now I can move on and not feel like I'm stirring up the urges.

I'm sticking with my workout regimen and that's going really well. I need to start dieting more because my muscles aren't showing as much as i'd like due to the little extra weight i've always carried with me. It's not alot, but what's the point of being so strong if I can't also show it off??

I guess that's it. I'll just keep plugging away at my goal. It ends Friday night. I know I can make it at least that long. I'd love to go the month with only one relapse which should be easy since the month ends tomorrow

Thanks for reading!

-The Faptain

 

[Faptain America]

Well I relapsed today. I couldn't contain it any longer. I made it 16.5 days though! That's a new record! I don't feel as bad this time around. I've only relapsed twice this month as opposed to six times last month and three times my first month. Progress, not perfection. Thanks for the love everyone!

-The Faptain

 

[achilles heel]

Get up, start again, set the next goal! You are advancing and I'm sure you'll do even better next time. As you said: A month with two porn sessions is a huge progress compared to where you started. And keep the positive and funny style of your journal, I really like it!

 

[CrowMagnum]

What was what it that did you in?  Learn from it and use it to your advantage this time around.  On to a new record-- keep progressing mate!

 

[-Dave-]

Hey Faptain, new one here and just thought I'd stop by.
I read you're journal up until now and noticed you take this problem in a very ironic and at first glance light way. But it's an interesting approach nonetheless; you have a very open mind about this journey and are willing to experiment (which I personally don't encourage as already said by others, I too had a lot of times when I would say "Oh well...seems like I had some sort of tingling down there just by watching some sexy pic...let's see how it works with the real deal"), and even though you relapse you remain upbeat, which is key to success in PMO as in other things; the more you despair about a relapse, the more shitty you'll feel, and what better way of taking all these feelings aside than by watching some porn? You get the point, so kudos to you for that.

On the plus side, I can see pictures of hot women in bikini's and the like without getting an urge anymore. I feel like when I was avoiding them it made me want to see them more which made it worse when I inevitably did throughout the day. Now I can move on and not feel like I'm stirring up the urges.

About that, you're right; when something feels taboo, it's all the more enticing. It's kinda the reason why I stopped using web filters halfway through my reboot, I started to notice a pattern: whenever I had strong cravings, I did everything I could to bypass'em, and just by doing that I could feel the anticipation of what was to come, basically getting a surge of dopamine and firing up the wrong brain pathways without even looking at porn, but just by "hacking" my way through for it.

Anyway don't take it the wrong way what I said about you taking it lightly, I didn't mean it in a reprimanding kind of way.

That being said, keep up the funny stuff, you got yourself another follower.
Best of luck

-Dave-

 

[Faptain America]

Thanks everyone for the love. I'm four days down now and am looking forward to having only one relapse this month by going the rest of June without problems. I may relapse again, but I feel good right now and want to keep that going.

Achilles, thanks for constantly checking in. It means alot.

Crow:

What was what it that did you in?

It's the same as before. I just get to a point where even though I might masturbate to relieve the pressure the urges just keep getting worse until I can't do anything with my day but fight the urge. It just gets silly after a while. I think it's just a matter of time, really. I'm noticing that... how do I say this... The length of time I can go before the urges get to that point is increasing. This time it was two weeks almost on the dot. Last time it was something like 10 days. This is HUGE. I'm okay with relapsing if every time I can progress further and further from it.

I also have noticed that it takes me less time to get back on the wagon after relapsing. It used to be a week long struggle and now I'm back within a few days.

Thanks for checking in.

--------

Hey Dave! Nice to meet you! Thanks for your words.

I read you're journal up until now and noticed you take this problem in a very ironic and at first glance light way.

That's funny. At first I was a little put-off by this, especially since I've never talked to you before. Upon further meditation I do see the irony in this addiction because it's most definitely ironic. Masturbation to porn is one of the most ironic things you could possibly do as a man.

Why do we masturbate? Masturbation releases hormones that nullify other hormones that are telling us to reproduce, therefore we are trying to reproduce; Except we aren't reproducing at all because you can't come inside a pixelated vagina (maybe that's what Flynn was trying to accomplish in Tron...) to create life.

Pretty ironic stuff, eh?

As far as taking it lightly, I absolutely do. I learned a long time ago that trying to rush something like this just results in you being right back where you started.... Wait for it.... DICK IN HAND. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

You have to take addiction seriously for sure, but you also have to take it lightly because like you said, being hard on yourself at a time when you are so vulnerable will cause more problems down the road. If you don't make it a big deal, it won't be. Now I also accept that my path isn't the path for everyone. I didn't get into porn as deeply as others. I didn't have PIED or Death-grip or any of that stuff. I started noticing "early on" that I was getting deeper and recognized the danger of that. This enables me to take the route with a little more sunshine than others who have to dig their way out of the Mines of Moria battling the Balrog the whole way. I'm not gonna say that this addiction didn't take it's toll since it obviously did, but I do think I've had it easier than some.

It's kinda the reason why I stopped using web filters halfway through my reboot, I started to notice a pattern: whenever I had strong cravings, I did everything I could to bypass'em, and just by doing that I could feel the anticipation of what was to come, basically getting a surge of dopamine and firing up the wrong brain pathways without even looking at porn, but just by "hacking" my way through for it.

This is exactly why I never used filters or any of that. For some it can be very beneficial to delay the urge a little bit and play for time. For me that just means I've already lost. The conversation happened and the part of me that wants to quit porn, lost. Nothing at that point is going to stop me because even if I delay that minute, I'll lose the next day due to what I was talking about to Crow above. Once I've reached that point, the struggle gets too hard and I relapse. Only time and effort will increase the length that I can go. That's why I'm not usually down on myself. At the end of the day, this isn't heroin. I'm not risking death by jerking off, so if it takes me a year to quit completely, so be it. This isn't a bucket-list-gonna-die-soon kinda deal.

In any case, thanks for posting. I like when new folks pop a quarter and enter the game. It gives me alot of new stuff to think about. I'm gonna go harass your journal now and see how you like it

Cheers,

-The Faptain

 

[CrowMagnum]

It's the same as before. I just get to a point where even though I might masturbate to relieve the pressure the urges just keep getting worse until I can't do anything with my day but fight the urge. It just gets silly after a while. I think it's just a matter of time, really. I'm noticing that... how do I say this... The length of time I can go before the urges get to that point is increasing. This time it was two weeks almost on the dot. Last time it was something like 10 days. This is HUGE. I'm okay with relapsing if every time I can progress further and further from it.

I also have noticed that it takes me less time to get back on the wagon after relapsing. It used to be a week long struggle and now I'm back within a few days.

This is improvement, this is progress.  Keep at it and you will be able to go longer and longer without those urges until they aren't as controlling when they come up and can be surpassed.  You're doing great!

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Yo Yo Faptain!! Where you at brotha?

Hope you're doing well in your recovery

-Peace

 

[Coastly]

As you said before, progress not perfection! It sounds like you're doing really well! Also, the need to experiment is pretty common among addicts. Some people call it "research" and pretty much everyone does it. You'll learn pretty quick that it doesn't have great results if you haven't already. One thing that helps me a lot is to take it one day at a time rather than set lofty goals. All you have to do is not look at porn today. Don't worry about tomorrow or how long your streak will go. Just today. That way the thought about whether you will someday be able to look at porn again is irrelevant.

Keep up the good work! Every day makes us stronger.