May, 24 2016
So far so good, been keeping busy and haven't had much in the way of withdrawals that I've noticed. For me its usually starts to ramp up around 18-21 days, that's why I have 2 counters, the first reminds me to be aware of whats to come. I'm also making another attempt at a 5 day water fast starting today, since I've been so focused on RN getting my spiritual fitness in check I decided I'd start working on my physical fitness as well. I started one of these a couple of weeks ago, but was cut short by an unexpected funeral and then Mothers Day. It was just too many questions to try and explain to every single person. So after 2-1/2 days I went back to eating and drinking and then rescheduled for a time I wouldn't have to deal with so many folks about it. I've had the occasional thought try and enter my consciousness, but I've been refusing to play with them, even in the slightest. It definitely has helped having my prize possession on the line to make me draw a hard and fast line. I'm more focused, more determined and not playing the victim.
For a long time I think I was acting like a victim in regards to how hard I really was trying resist. In those moment when the thoughts would come, I had 2 minds. On the one hand I was, "interested" in being free of PMO, but I think in reality I was hoping some how, some way that someone else would just take it away from me. Then on the other hand I enjoyed what I was looking at and doing, I mean it does have a degree of pleasure associated with it. So, in my own evaluation, I lacked the hardcore determination to resist, I didn't want it bad enough. This whole journey has forced me to look deeper at myself, who I am? What do I really stand for? I'm troubled in the thought that, if my prize possession wasn't on the table as a wager, I'd probably go right back to my old behavior... I have to say that saddens me, but I'm hoping that the further I get away from P, that maybe my brain will heal, maybe my determination will grow stronger in the absence of perpetual dopamine hits. I'm thinking that what might be best, is to start laying the groundwork for newer healthier habits to replace the old ones. I still have the occasional urge to write, but my creativity at the moment is low, I guess that is associated with withdrawal, which is a good thing. I guess, as I sit hear pondering & rambling that I'm kinda in a blank place in between. I'm not the guy I was, pleasuring myself with every urge and impulse. I'm also not yet the man I want to be, I'm in between.
The ship has pushed back from the dock and the crew has thrown off the lines. Below us the water is calm, black and ominous, a moonless night be sure. The only light can be seen from the lighthouse beaming out, like a luminous sword cutting the night with its continuous swath. A breeze blows with a slight chill an all that can be heard is the water slapping and splashing against the hull as the captain maneuvers the ship and brings the ole girl about. As we turn away from the shore, away from all that we've known we face an open sea, a not yet knowable future. The Captain calls the engine room, "All ahead 1/3" and with that the propellers spin to life. The black water swirls and foams behind us, we feel the thrust forward as we begin to build momentum, a few scared souls dive over rail, choosing to stay behind. We turn our gaze to the horizon, but no matter how hard we strain to see our destination, its still yet to far off to know. We give the occasional glance back to shore, the known and the old ways waving to us as we move further from shore. We hear the calls, "Don't go, don't go, stay here with us", but we must go, we must make our escape. Some of us hear the sirens call and dive back in, swimming back to the old world. No, not us, no more of the old world, we must focus on the new, so again we look ahead. As we clear the light house and harbor the Captain again calls the engine room, "All ahead 2/3". Fearing the unknown a few more hands abandon the ship, swimming foolishly back to the port, swimming back to the shore, choosing instead to live in the past, with the old, the dying, the sick, the hopeless. Not us, No not us, we brave few press on, weary souls be sure, but we press on. With a firm and steady grip on the rail, we strain ever harder to try and see our destination, but its still a far off, but we have faith the Captain knows the way. Just then, the tiniest flicker of light breaks through and flickers on the horizon. It is the sun rising, a new day is begun and soon it will shine warmly on our faces and beyond that a new world. Onward to victory, onward to freedom, onward to a new life.
Who's with me?
No Mercy! - No Quarter! - No Half Measures! 
