Got through the weekend with no PMO. Nine days and counting. It might sound sacreligious, but the biggest triggering opportunity for me came not from P, but going to church on Easter Sunday. It was 84 degrees and sunny, and the women came to church dressed to the nines in summer wear. It was a huge distraction to sit through that with visuals everywhere. I had to force myself to look away a few times, as there was stimuli in every direction. Thankfully the drive home allowed me to reset and there were no relapses. Just a reminder that there are pitfalls everywhere in this journey.
My Journal - Yes, I'm a PMO Addict
- Thread starter Stp215
- Start date
Arrived at 13 days clean today. A little surprised I've gone this far without succumbing to relapse. I still think about PMO at times throughout the day, but as long as I'm in flatline, I haven't come close to going bad. At this rate, I think I can start pushing PMO to the sidelines in my life t the point where it's irrelevant. That would be a great thing given the destruction it causes.
The thing that concerns me most is the time it will take to return to normalcy. I started in my teens, so I have no illusions that this will be an overnight fix. However, the prospect of going a year or more in a a flatline state is disturbing. At that point the idea of staying PMO clean might be more difficult. Are there any signs to look for along the way to indicate that healing is taking place? That would provide a lot of incentive to stay the course.
The thing that concerns me most is the time it will take to return to normalcy. I started in my teens, so I have no illusions that this will be an overnight fix. However, the prospect of going a year or more in a a flatline state is disturbing. At that point the idea of staying PMO clean might be more difficult. Are there any signs to look for along the way to indicate that healing is taking place? That would provide a lot of incentive to stay the course.
This book on Audible was very helpful to me called "Feels Like Redemption - The Pilgrimage to Health and Healing"
It was written by a recovering porn addict and really helps get at the underlying causes of PMO not to just "quit".
https://www.amazon.com/Feels-Like-Redemption-Pilgrimage-Healing/dp/0692217355/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1493283003&sr=8-1&keywords=feels+like+redemption
I don't have the patience to read so audio books and podcasts are a lifesaver!
It was written by a recovering porn addict and really helps get at the underlying causes of PMO not to just "quit".
https://www.amazon.com/Feels-Like-Redemption-Pilgrimage-Healing/dp/0692217355/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1493283003&sr=8-1&keywords=feels+like+redemption
I don't have the patience to read so audio books and podcasts are a lifesaver!
Today is a milestone for me: 30 days without PMO. 
This is the longest I have been clean. Feels good, like I am in control of that area of my life now. For many years I felt like I was just reacting to urges with no strategy. It does get a little easier the further down the non-PMO road you go.
That said, I am still deep in the flatline stage. There is some mild wood here and there, but nothing exceptional. The whole purpose of this for me is to be fully functional with a woman again. My biggest concern is that I get into a situation with a woman and there is still nothing going on down there. The huge unknown for me is, how long will it take to get back to the "original factory settings." I don't expect it tomorrow, but hope it won't take forever.
This is the longest I have been clean. Feels good, like I am in control of that area of my life now. For many years I felt like I was just reacting to urges with no strategy. It does get a little easier the further down the non-PMO road you go.
That said, I am still deep in the flatline stage. There is some mild wood here and there, but nothing exceptional. The whole purpose of this for me is to be fully functional with a woman again. My biggest concern is that I get into a situation with a woman and there is still nothing going on down there. The huge unknown for me is, how long will it take to get back to the "original factory settings." I don't expect it tomorrow, but hope it won't take forever.
workinprogressUK
Well-Known Member
Congrats on your progress so far, Stp. Great work! Looks like you're moving in the right direction and everything is lining up. You've got a bit of a virtuous circle going on, right? Do me a favour though, please, my friend; try not to focus yet on doing this "to be fully functional with a woman again". Not yet. Thirty days clean is a great achievement, but it's still early days in the bigger picture. If you can, please keep on fighting because you want to live clean, and you enjoy feeling good, and you enjoy being in control. Stay focused on the process and the behaviours that have kept you clean for the last thirty, and your outcomes will stay positive. And after a while... perhaps a fair while longer yet.... your factory settings will restore. For what it's worth, I was over 100 days P&M free before I cracked my PIED. Just stay focused on recovery. You'll get your wood back in time.
Hello brothers, it's been a while for me on here but need to share and hear any feedback. My struggle is ongoing. I've gone up to 4 months PMO free but still struggling to get off the roller coaster.
The flat line phase is still brutal and confusing. I've read many accounts on here about what it's like for others, but it still tough. How long does it take to heal? It's different for everyone, but I still have no idea how long it takes for me to start real healing.
My marriage has also been on a roller coaster. We have been trying to make it work, but there are difficulties. We have sex occasionally. I use Levitra for a boost, but it doesn't work as often as it does. I can perform with about a 60% erection but still don't finish during it. The sensation of real sex still doesn't compare to PMO. We have had other issues besides my PMO, and I still don't know if I want to stay in the marriage. One concern is that if we got divorced and I met someone else, the PMO issues would still be there.
For me, PMO is all about the dopamine kick. It really is a drug addiction in that sense. I have shown myself that I can go months without PMO, but when the flat line period is so dormant with no sign of light at the end of the tunnel, I get frustrated and give in. And if you give in once, you mind starts talking to you. "If you've done it once, why not do it a couple more times?" Next thing you know, you're back to full PMO mode and starting from scratch again.
I still have a strong desire to be healthy and functional, but the ups and downs of this are a bitch. Not knowing how long the process will take. Battling with your internal demons along the way. Triggering images all around you in the world, even when you're not seeking them out. The shame and self-loathing that comes with relapsing. If there was a medical operation or a chemical treatment that would be a short-cut to healing, I would gladly volunteer for it.
I'm still in the fight. Wish I had a better story to tell, but I'm not giving up. Will try to post here more regularly.
The flat line phase is still brutal and confusing. I've read many accounts on here about what it's like for others, but it still tough. How long does it take to heal? It's different for everyone, but I still have no idea how long it takes for me to start real healing.
My marriage has also been on a roller coaster. We have been trying to make it work, but there are difficulties. We have sex occasionally. I use Levitra for a boost, but it doesn't work as often as it does. I can perform with about a 60% erection but still don't finish during it. The sensation of real sex still doesn't compare to PMO. We have had other issues besides my PMO, and I still don't know if I want to stay in the marriage. One concern is that if we got divorced and I met someone else, the PMO issues would still be there.
For me, PMO is all about the dopamine kick. It really is a drug addiction in that sense. I have shown myself that I can go months without PMO, but when the flat line period is so dormant with no sign of light at the end of the tunnel, I get frustrated and give in. And if you give in once, you mind starts talking to you. "If you've done it once, why not do it a couple more times?" Next thing you know, you're back to full PMO mode and starting from scratch again.
I still have a strong desire to be healthy and functional, but the ups and downs of this are a bitch. Not knowing how long the process will take. Battling with your internal demons along the way. Triggering images all around you in the world, even when you're not seeking them out. The shame and self-loathing that comes with relapsing. If there was a medical operation or a chemical treatment that would be a short-cut to healing, I would gladly volunteer for it.
I'm still in the fight. Wish I had a better story to tell, but I'm not giving up. Will try to post here more regularly.
C
cranm329
Guest
Hi Stp215
There is hope for you and your marriage. Chemical or surgical interventions are not the answer. Even Levitra etc can cause problems as well as being a temporary help. I have mentioned a new approach to at least one guy on here that, potentially, can be a highly pleasurable, easy, free, healthy and healing method of solving your (both partners) problems. Please have a look at Kindle and search for Diana Richardson ' The Heart of Tantric Sex'.
I know that it sounds weird and New Age. Tantric sex suggests kinky massage/ prostitution. It's something completely different. I am not trying to promote DR's work but my wife and I (both sexually conservative and mainline) have benefitted tremendously from reading this. It has helped me understand sex and manhood/womanhood differently. It has helped me move ahead with PMO avoidance and PIED. Strongly recommend at least reading the excerpt on Kindle. She has written stuff specifically for men as well.
There is hope for you and your marriage. Chemical or surgical interventions are not the answer. Even Levitra etc can cause problems as well as being a temporary help. I have mentioned a new approach to at least one guy on here that, potentially, can be a highly pleasurable, easy, free, healthy and healing method of solving your (both partners) problems. Please have a look at Kindle and search for Diana Richardson ' The Heart of Tantric Sex'.
I know that it sounds weird and New Age. Tantric sex suggests kinky massage/ prostitution. It's something completely different. I am not trying to promote DR's work but my wife and I (both sexually conservative and mainline) have benefitted tremendously from reading this. It has helped me understand sex and manhood/womanhood differently. It has helped me move ahead with PMO avoidance and PIED. Strongly recommend at least reading the excerpt on Kindle. She has written stuff specifically for men as well.
Today I circled the date of March 17 with a red marker. That is the day I stopped PMO, and I want it to be a new beginning. I feel more confident than ever that I want to change my life and live better, and differently. All provocative digital images have been deleted from my devices. My iPad has become synonymous with PMO to me, so I have put it in a drawer and don't intend to use it again.
The first few days clean felt normal, then yesterday I had a distinct buzzing sensation in my brain. It's still here right now. I'd like to think that is the first stages of deprogramming from P, the rewiring process starting.
I wish there was a calculator that would let you compute, "X amount of time in PMO = you will need this much time PMO-free to heal." The inexact nature of it is very frustrating. In one sense, it's a good thing that flatline means there is no arousal happening right now, because it would increase your desire to MO. On the other, the lack of arousal makes you wonder if it will ever come back.
I'm not only giving up P, but changing the way I perceive the world. Thanks to P, I saw everything in a hyper-sexualized way. All women I came in contact with were evaluated based on their appearance and attractiveness to me. If there was a good-looking woman on the street, on a train, I had to look at her with lust on my mind. I see now that nothing productive comes from that. Now I am simply not looking.
Last night I was watching a movie on Netflix. Unexpectedly there was a graphic sex scene. It produced a reaction in my brain that was not positive and did not feel good at all. I turned it off.
The process for me is more than just walking away from PMO. I'm eating healthier. Exercising at a gym 2-3 days a week. Not putting myself in situations that have led to PMO in the past, like locked in my bedroom surfing the internet.
YBOP is a great resource. I've been reading the articles and so many of them describe my condition in amazing detail. There's no uncertainty. I have been a PMO addict for more than 2 decades and have PIED symptoms. I've been down this rabbit hole for so long, its almost hard to imagine I could reach a place where I am healed and fully-functional. Reading the testimonials of guys who have been as bad as me or worse and healed themselves gives me hope. Thanks.
The first few days clean felt normal, then yesterday I had a distinct buzzing sensation in my brain. It's still here right now. I'd like to think that is the first stages of deprogramming from P, the rewiring process starting.
I wish there was a calculator that would let you compute, "X amount of time in PMO = you will need this much time PMO-free to heal." The inexact nature of it is very frustrating. In one sense, it's a good thing that flatline means there is no arousal happening right now, because it would increase your desire to MO. On the other, the lack of arousal makes you wonder if it will ever come back.
I'm not only giving up P, but changing the way I perceive the world. Thanks to P, I saw everything in a hyper-sexualized way. All women I came in contact with were evaluated based on their appearance and attractiveness to me. If there was a good-looking woman on the street, on a train, I had to look at her with lust on my mind. I see now that nothing productive comes from that. Now I am simply not looking.
Last night I was watching a movie on Netflix. Unexpectedly there was a graphic sex scene. It produced a reaction in my brain that was not positive and did not feel good at all. I turned it off.
The process for me is more than just walking away from PMO. I'm eating healthier. Exercising at a gym 2-3 days a week. Not putting myself in situations that have led to PMO in the past, like locked in my bedroom surfing the internet.
YBOP is a great resource. I've been reading the articles and so many of them describe my condition in amazing detail. There's no uncertainty. I have been a PMO addict for more than 2 decades and have PIED symptoms. I've been down this rabbit hole for so long, its almost hard to imagine I could reach a place where I am healed and fully-functional. Reading the testimonials of guys who have been as bad as me or worse and healed themselves gives me hope. Thanks.
C
cranm329
Guest
Hi Stp215
You have done well starting to take back control of your thoughts. The Netflix experience was a good move. Keep going; it will get better but it will take time as you said.
You have done well starting to take back control of your thoughts. The Netflix experience was a good move. Keep going; it will get better but it will take time as you said.
Today I looked at my calendar and figured out when it will be 100 days clean for me: June 24. That's my target. I will keep going beyond that, but 100 days seems to be a benchmark many people use on here. I'm 10% there and feeling good about it.
Tonight I found another device of mine that had a lot of P on it. As I was deleting the images, I literally had to look away from the images as I was deleting. The glances at the images I did catch were causing me discomfort. It literally hurt my brain to look at them. Now I have zero digital P messages on any of my devices. Feels liberating.
This process reminded me of a scene from the movie "A Beautiful Mind." The main character played by Russell Crowe suffered from schizophrenia and saw things that weren't there. When asked how he deals with it, he said (paraphrasing): "Like a diet of the mind, I abstain from certain appetites." That applies here too. It's almost impossible to go through life today without triggering images around you. The trick is to not put yourself in situations that will trigger you, and if you see them anyway, abstain from seeing any more.
Another thought: one of my favorite personal coaches is Tony Robbins. He talks often about helping people beat addictions. He has said it's all about creating the right associations in your mind. If you can't stop eating chocolate, you need to associate eating chocolate with bad things instead of pleasure. Once you truly do that, you will not want chocolate any more. Not hard to see how that translates to PMO. So far I have had negative associations with seeing a P image even for a moment since quitting. If that can become permanent, it will make lifestyle change easier.
Tonight I found another device of mine that had a lot of P on it. As I was deleting the images, I literally had to look away from the images as I was deleting. The glances at the images I did catch were causing me discomfort. It literally hurt my brain to look at them. Now I have zero digital P messages on any of my devices. Feels liberating.
This process reminded me of a scene from the movie "A Beautiful Mind." The main character played by Russell Crowe suffered from schizophrenia and saw things that weren't there. When asked how he deals with it, he said (paraphrasing): "Like a diet of the mind, I abstain from certain appetites." That applies here too. It's almost impossible to go through life today without triggering images around you. The trick is to not put yourself in situations that will trigger you, and if you see them anyway, abstain from seeing any more.
Another thought: one of my favorite personal coaches is Tony Robbins. He talks often about helping people beat addictions. He has said it's all about creating the right associations in your mind. If you can't stop eating chocolate, you need to associate eating chocolate with bad things instead of pleasure. Once you truly do that, you will not want chocolate any more. Not hard to see how that translates to PMO. So far I have had negative associations with seeing a P image even for a moment since quitting. If that can become permanent, it will make lifestyle change easier.
17 days clean. Removing P from all devices is something I didn?t fully do in previous attempts, and it makes a huge difference. Reducing the opportunity to break bad keeps you out of bad situations.
Still struggle with the flatline. Very little activity down there. I?m taking a blind leap of faith that it will come back.
Still struggle with the flatline. Very little activity down there. I?m taking a blind leap of faith that it will come back.
workinprogressUK
Well-Known Member
That spring-clean's vital, don't you think? I think of past efforts to reboot when I knew that i had a little USB hidden, or a dormant email account that i knew i could re-open. Until I destroyed everything that could link me back to my P habit, and put as many physical barriers as possible in the way, I couldn't really commit. It's bitter-sweet to see you back, Stp. Bitter that you're still suffering. Sweet that you're still fighting.
Thanks. Yes, I can recall the sequence of events every time I relapsed. It started with a little peek at P here and there, creating a snowball effect. The addictive mind can be a devious liar. It?s like a devil on your shoulder, convincing you that there?s no harm from a bite of the forbidden fruit. The truth is we all have the power to control our environment as relates to access to P. When the environment is controlled, the chances of relapse are greatly reduced. Tackling a reboot with more information and wisdom than you had last time is what gives hope imo.
J
J01
Guest
I like the way you described the sequence of events. It reminds me of the proverb that states something like "can a man heap coals upon his chest and not be burned?" If we want to stay out of harm we have to stay out of harm's way!
I have noticed that for me I have often inserted a step even before the "peek at p" that you mentioned in that I'll find something that is not technically p and is "ok" but that starts the motor running in the same manner.
Keep up the good work!
I have noticed that for me I have often inserted a step even before the "peek at p" that you mentioned in that I'll find something that is not technically p and is "ok" but that starts the motor running in the same manner.
Keep up the good work!
workinprogressUK
Well-Known Member
jixu said:
Agreed. I recall reading that it was all part of the same "cognitive distortion" process that Stp talks about. Sometimes nobody believes our lies better than ourselves!