Hello brothers, it's been a while for me on here but need to share and hear any feedback. My struggle is ongoing. I've gone up to 4 months PMO free but still struggling to get off the roller coaster.
The flat line phase is still brutal and confusing. I've read many accounts on here about what it's like for others, but it still tough. How long does it take to heal? It's different for everyone, but I still have no idea how long it takes for me to start real healing.
My marriage has also been on a roller coaster. We have been trying to make it work, but there are difficulties. We have sex occasionally. I use Levitra for a boost, but it doesn't work as often as it does. I can perform with about a 60% erection but still don't finish during it. The sensation of real sex still doesn't compare to PMO. We have had other issues besides my PMO, and I still don't know if I want to stay in the marriage. One concern is that if we got divorced and I met someone else, the PMO issues would still be there.
For me, PMO is all about the dopamine kick. It really is a drug addiction in that sense. I have shown myself that I can go months without PMO, but when the flat line period is so dormant with no sign of light at the end of the tunnel, I get frustrated and give in. And if you give in once, you mind starts talking to you. "If you've done it once, why not do it a couple more times?" Next thing you know, you're back to full PMO mode and starting from scratch again.
I still have a strong desire to be healthy and functional, but the ups and downs of this are a bitch. Not knowing how long the process will take. Battling with your internal demons along the way. Triggering images all around you in the world, even when you're not seeking them out. The shame and self-loathing that comes with relapsing. If there was a medical operation or a chemical treatment that would be a short-cut to healing, I would gladly volunteer for it.
I'm still in the fight. Wish I had a better story to tell, but I'm not giving up. Will try to post here more regularly.