Well, where to begin? This feels like a reintroduction of sorts. I haven't posted on here regularly for quite awhile. I first came to this site in April, 2016. I was tired, tired, tired of the porn and over-sexed lifestyle and really wanted to make some positive changes in my life. I had some moderate success with a couple of periods of 70-80 days clean and learned a lot about myself and how this addiction works. I inevitably found, however, that I would return to my old habits. Not usually a complete dive right back in, but a slow return through allowing undesirable behaviours creep back in until I found that I was right back where I've always been. I have yet to make it to 90 days clean.
Make no mistake, this is hard and this is work. I've quit both smoking and drinking (for over 20 years now) and for me porn and sex addiction is infinitely more challenging and more complex. I look back at all of my posts over the last 18 months and have mixed emotions. Everything I posted and said at the time was completely sincere and as open as I could be at the time and at times I really did feel like I was getting on top of this problem, only to succumb once again. I don't want to dismiss the words of encouragement that others offer each other here, because I do think it is important to finding success. However, sometimes I am discouraged when I see the number of people that come and go here and wonder if it is even possible to beat this. I know there are some people that have found some long-term success and I think they are great examples to others.
So where am I now? In a lot of ways I don't think much has changed from my first post 18 months ago when I said, "I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the depression, the anxiety, the brain fog, the desire to be alone, the isolation, the confusion and the stress. I don't like the person I've become." All of these apply today as much as they did the first time I posted here.
Some of my circumstances have changed. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I'm currently living abroad with my family for a year. I was sick and tired of my job, near burn-out and just feeling like I needed a change. So here we are, there have been a lot of great experiences for me and for the family so far: however, one of my MOST IMPORTANT goals for the year was to really dedicate myself to overcoming my porn/sex problem. This is a period in my life, which may not come again, where I am free from stress and work demands and also have time that I can dedicate myself to personal improvement. I've been doing some of this; going to the gym regularly, watching what I'm eating and getting into shape. I've recently started back in a martial arts class, which is great. I have more time to spend with my kids and their activities. I have been catching up on all the reading I never seemed to have time to do over the last 15 years. But my old unwanted friend, porn, is still hanging around. The pattern over the last 4-5 months has been 3-4 days of abstaining, and then total immersion for a while. Then repeat. This is exactly like a drug addiction for me, because if I go back into porn, I lose all control. I can spend 8 hours or more a day online, in chat rooms, literally up all night and exhausted the next day. This is not how I want to spend my time and it is endlessly confusing to me how I am not able to control myself. I have zero self-discipline at times, struggle with organizing my day in a productive way and focusing on my goals.
My relationship with my wife is probably the worst it has ever been. Maybe we are just tired of each other, but there is little to no patience, kindness or affection. Surprisingly, we have had a great sex life at times and she, apparently, has been totally into it. Lately she has had little to no interest in sex. I have realized that if I don't initiate physical contact or sex, there is zero. In some ways, I have used this as a justification for distancing myself from her (i.e., if she doesn't seem to give a damn, why should I). Maybe somewhat surprisingly there actually hasn't been some sort of "major porn discovery" to provoke the recent distancing between us. We've had several in the past, but have always seemed to get through them. For whatever reason now, it seems like we are just both tired or stressed. We have been going through a stressful period with one of our kids, so I think between that, my job uncertainty and my porn problems that it all comes together to create a situation where there is limited affection, love and respect.
As I'm writing this, my daughter came to tell me that everyone is going out for a few hours. So I'm alone for the first time in a long time and my first thought "Maybe I should watch one last porn vid with the sound on before I really quit!". That's how crazy this is.
So that's where I am. I have sometimes thought about just starting a new journal, but I want a complete record of all the ups and downs. To be honest, I'm not sure what I need to do next. Maybe a new program, a new book, a new therapist, a new routine, a new wife, a new city, haha. I don't say that to be flippant, it just seems at times that I have tried lots of different things and found only limited success. One thing I do think is missing is the face-to-face support network. When I quit drinking, I went to AA and got in with a good group of guys who were a great resource for just getting together and talking about the issues and struggles we had.
Anyways, this is a long post - if you read it all, thanks. I am keeping this journal for myself, but also for anyone else who reads it and can identify with some of my struggle.
TK-421