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Branch
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fyg said:
I second that emotion!
My "Hard 90" Journal
- Thread starter TK-421
- Start date
I second that emotion!
TK-421
Active Member
Day 61
Balanced, Branch, FYG and Oneway - Thanks for your words of support. I've been very impressed with the level of support recently between everyone on this forum. It's great to see everyone working to solve a common problem.
No more "take 2", that is an accomplishment to get into new territory with my number of days. I do want to take a moment and reflect on the journey. It's a healthy and good path to be on and I'm glad to be trudging it with all of you. It is not always easy, but I firmly believe in my heart that it is the right path and something I must do in order to have a chance to find lasting contentment and fulfillment in my life.
It isn't always easy and smooth either - maybe for some guys it is, but not for me. I still struggle with too much time on my phone, porn subs and fantasy. Just last night I let myself slide into a fantasy world about things my wife and I could do for my upcoming birthday. I'm still not sure what are healthy sexual thoughts about my wife and which ones aren't. I've written in my journal how a big part of my porn and sex issues related to my wife. Unlike some of the guys here who seemed to have developed preference for porn over a sex life with their wives, I developed a hypersexualized view of my wife - wanting lots of PMO and also lots of adventurous sex with her that I (now) think was or is tied to my porn habit. I'm still not sure how healthy it is to let myself slide into fantasy involving her, or to let my mind drift to sexual memories with her - some of them real, some of them artificial. I know William's advice is to not ask too many questions about what is ok during the reboot, but rather to complete the 90 days and then ask because we'll be surprised by what is no longer a question in our minds. It seems like I'm rambling a bit, but I think I did let myself get off track last night - I was also in a foul mood (mostly due to work) and then I let myself go too long thinking about all the things my wife and I could do together (and I didn't sleep well because of it).
The journey continues - thanks again to all of those who have commented and offered support.
TK-421
Balanced, Branch, FYG and Oneway - Thanks for your words of support. I've been very impressed with the level of support recently between everyone on this forum. It's great to see everyone working to solve a common problem.
No more "take 2", that is an accomplishment to get into new territory with my number of days. I do want to take a moment and reflect on the journey. It's a healthy and good path to be on and I'm glad to be trudging it with all of you. It is not always easy, but I firmly believe in my heart that it is the right path and something I must do in order to have a chance to find lasting contentment and fulfillment in my life.
It isn't always easy and smooth either - maybe for some guys it is, but not for me. I still struggle with too much time on my phone, porn subs and fantasy. Just last night I let myself slide into a fantasy world about things my wife and I could do for my upcoming birthday. I'm still not sure what are healthy sexual thoughts about my wife and which ones aren't. I've written in my journal how a big part of my porn and sex issues related to my wife. Unlike some of the guys here who seemed to have developed preference for porn over a sex life with their wives, I developed a hypersexualized view of my wife - wanting lots of PMO and also lots of adventurous sex with her that I (now) think was or is tied to my porn habit. I'm still not sure how healthy it is to let myself slide into fantasy involving her, or to let my mind drift to sexual memories with her - some of them real, some of them artificial. I know William's advice is to not ask too many questions about what is ok during the reboot, but rather to complete the 90 days and then ask because we'll be surprised by what is no longer a question in our minds. It seems like I'm rambling a bit, but I think I did let myself get off track last night - I was also in a foul mood (mostly due to work) and then I let myself go too long thinking about all the things my wife and I could do together (and I didn't sleep well because of it).
The journey continues - thanks again to all of those who have commented and offered support.
TK-421
B
Branch
Guest
TK-421 said:
Congrats on going past take 2. I see you ahead, on new terrain!
B
Branch
Guest
Oneway said:
I second that emotion.
Wishing you continued success, TK!
TK-421
Active Member
I haven't posted in my journal for some time now. I've been checking in to RN fairly regularly, but not posting so time to change that I think. I've just been ok. After finding this site in May of this year, I've had a couple lengthy periods of no MO and no PMO of about 60 or 70 days each. I've let myself slide back into old behaviours however and have been fumbling around for a while with several stops and starts. I'm at about 10 days now.
Maybe I'll start with the positives. I think I've made some real progress in 2016 by just recognizing that I have a problem and making efforts to make change in my life. Recently I've also come to terms with other things in my life (mostly relating to job dissatisfaction, stress and burnout) and have started to implement changes in those and other areas. All in all, I think I'm moving in a positive direction.
Now the negatives. Overcoming addiction to sex and pornography is hard. I quit drinking and smoking over 20 years ago and this is harder. It's also a more solitary struggle. I have connected with some of the other guys on here, but it is a virtual relationship. I even tried going back to AA meetings in the hopes of connecting with other people who were just generally interested in becoming better people. I think most of them saw me as someone who had 20+ years of sobriety, and maybe didn't feel the need to reach out. I've gone to see a counsellor. It helped, but was not a panacea for all that ails me. I have confided somewhat with a colleague (also a sober alcoholic) but he is struggling with his own issues, so is off and on in terms of having a reliable person to confide in. I've considered a heart to heart with my wife, but I really am sceptical about how much she wants to know or would be able to understand.
For the last while, I've been a silent observer on RN. I'm going to try to be more regular again with my journal entries. It's helpful for me to have a record of this journey. I'm committed to getting well and am motivated to leave my life of porn addiction, and all the negatives that go with it, in the past.
Maybe I'll start with the positives. I think I've made some real progress in 2016 by just recognizing that I have a problem and making efforts to make change in my life. Recently I've also come to terms with other things in my life (mostly relating to job dissatisfaction, stress and burnout) and have started to implement changes in those and other areas. All in all, I think I'm moving in a positive direction.
Now the negatives. Overcoming addiction to sex and pornography is hard. I quit drinking and smoking over 20 years ago and this is harder. It's also a more solitary struggle. I have connected with some of the other guys on here, but it is a virtual relationship. I even tried going back to AA meetings in the hopes of connecting with other people who were just generally interested in becoming better people. I think most of them saw me as someone who had 20+ years of sobriety, and maybe didn't feel the need to reach out. I've gone to see a counsellor. It helped, but was not a panacea for all that ails me. I have confided somewhat with a colleague (also a sober alcoholic) but he is struggling with his own issues, so is off and on in terms of having a reliable person to confide in. I've considered a heart to heart with my wife, but I really am sceptical about how much she wants to know or would be able to understand.
For the last while, I've been a silent observer on RN. I'm going to try to be more regular again with my journal entries. It's helpful for me to have a record of this journey. I'm committed to getting well and am motivated to leave my life of porn addiction, and all the negatives that go with it, in the past.
Hi TK, nice to hear from you. It is good to hear that you're implementing positive changes in your life. All the issues (stress etc.) you mentioned for sure contribute to relapses and keep the pmo-cycle ongoing.
What I have learned reading journals on this forum (and on another with similar purpose) is that it is not uncommon to have several attempts to reboot before finally breaking free. With your recent long streaks of being clean you have a good foundation to build on and make the final breakaway. Still the hard work needs to be done every day, every moment. Choice by choice.
All the best.
What I have learned reading journals on this forum (and on another with similar purpose) is that it is not uncommon to have several attempts to reboot before finally breaking free. With your recent long streaks of being clean you have a good foundation to build on and make the final breakaway. Still the hard work needs to be done every day, every moment. Choice by choice.
All the best.
TK, I read through your journal and found your struggle moving and your honesty about it quite touching. There are so many points in there that I and certainly many others among us can identify with.
I agree that PMO addiction may be harder than other addictions to shake. I think a factor is that it is a solo activity, while drinking and smoking are social and more socially-acceptable activities. Hence, the support for kicking those is also more socially available. With PMO, we only have ourselves and our solo triggers. Just a thought.
Keep up the good work and the good writing.
I agree that PMO addiction may be harder than other addictions to shake. I think a factor is that it is a solo activity, while drinking and smoking are social and more socially-acceptable activities. Hence, the support for kicking those is also more socially available. With PMO, we only have ourselves and our solo triggers. Just a thought.
Keep up the good work and the good writing.
TK-421
Active Member
Oneway said:
Hi OW, thanks for your comments and support. I sometimes go back and read the start of my journal (which I just did now). I do think I've made some good progress and am definitely not at zero on this reboot. I've often said to others that this is a process of figuring things out and we need to remain committed to that process, which I am. I will be posting on here more regularly again. It is helpful if we all support each other in this battle. I have learned a lot about myself through these last 6-7 months. I know I am on a good path and making positive changes. It hasn't been completely perfect since Day 1, but progress rather than perfection is my mantra.
TK-421
TK, I'm sorry to hear about your lapse and continued struggle. This is difficult work, and I emphasize both DIFFICULT and WORK...
The key to success, I found, is really simple, though really difficult: Control your thoughts. Our thoughts feed our decisions, and our decisions lead to behaviors. Our thoughts lead us to believe that lapsing is OK, that it is not that big a deal. But a pattern of lapsing becomes a pattern just like PMO, a hole in your defenses that becomes a formalized entrance into PMO.
I can't put it any more simply, and I mean this as an empowering statement -- you CAN control your thoughts, all of the rationalizations and self-sympathy, all of the justifications and permissions, you control all of those. Choose the thoughts you want, cast out the thoughts you do not want. This will lead to better decisions, fewer moments of weakness, no lapses, and no more bad behavior.
You have it in you, believe in yourself, you are strong enough to do this...learn to love the feeling of exercising resolve and self-discipline more than the feeling of momentary pleasure from PMO or MO. Make strength and control over your thoughts the new drug for your brain. It can become a powerful pathway for creating lasting change...I know with certainty, standing at day 1108 PMO/MO-free, that we alone, as men and human beings with potential, are capable of making this change, and responsible to ourselves to do so.
Find the strength, exercise it, recognize the strength and power you have when you exercise self-discipline, feel the rush of being able to overpower the single distracting or enticing thought, enjoy the feeling of strength...repeat, repeat, repeat.
Best to you...
The key to success, I found, is really simple, though really difficult: Control your thoughts. Our thoughts feed our decisions, and our decisions lead to behaviors. Our thoughts lead us to believe that lapsing is OK, that it is not that big a deal. But a pattern of lapsing becomes a pattern just like PMO, a hole in your defenses that becomes a formalized entrance into PMO.
I can't put it any more simply, and I mean this as an empowering statement -- you CAN control your thoughts, all of the rationalizations and self-sympathy, all of the justifications and permissions, you control all of those. Choose the thoughts you want, cast out the thoughts you do not want. This will lead to better decisions, fewer moments of weakness, no lapses, and no more bad behavior.
You have it in you, believe in yourself, you are strong enough to do this...learn to love the feeling of exercising resolve and self-discipline more than the feeling of momentary pleasure from PMO or MO. Make strength and control over your thoughts the new drug for your brain. It can become a powerful pathway for creating lasting change...I know with certainty, standing at day 1108 PMO/MO-free, that we alone, as men and human beings with potential, are capable of making this change, and responsible to ourselves to do so.
Find the strength, exercise it, recognize the strength and power you have when you exercise self-discipline, feel the rush of being able to overpower the single distracting or enticing thought, enjoy the feeling of strength...repeat, repeat, repeat.
Best to you...
TK-421
Active Member
balanced said:
Hi Balanced - Thanks for your comments and insights. You are correct, this really is a battle in the mind. For a long time, I believed that whatever happened to pop into my head was outside of my control. I have learned, however, that we do have an ability to stop unwelcome, unhealthy or negative thoughts when they start. Many lapses begin long before the actual PMO (or other unwanted sexual behaviour). It has a been a key realization to not start down the slippery slope much earlier on in the process. As you say, we need to practice controlling out thoughts and embracing the fact that we do have control over our thoughts and actions. This is empowering. I have felt these changes. It is also extremely frustrating to see how quickly things can unravel, how easy it is for the old PMO wheels to start to turn.
I have to acknowledge that I have a whole lifetime of unhealthy sexual behaviours and thoughts. For a long time I would have chaffed at the suggestion that I used addiction to escape reality or uncomfortable feelings. The reality is, however, that this is exactly what I have been doing. Whenever I felt boredom, frustration, social anxiety, work pressure, etc. the easy fix was PMO (and previously alcohol). It is a humbling experience to acknowledge that these behaviours have become a part of my life. It is important, however, to acknowledge that we are not our addictions. I'm am much more than a guy who can spend hours jerking off to porn. I know that I am on a good path. I know that I am making positive changes. I know that I am in control of my actions. It is not easy and, as you say, there is a lot of WORK involved. It is work to take the time to figure out what exactly has been happening in our brains. It is humbling to acknowledge that, just maybe, we have been wrong about a great number of things. It is rewarding to be on this journey of self-discovery and to know that there is a way out of the mess.
It may not come across in the words I've written, but I do feel like I am in a much better place than I was before. I know that I am certainly in a better place than I was 8-10 months ago. This is not a linear process.
All the best to my fellow rebooters.
TK-421
Active Member
I was just re-reading through Balance's post and there is a lot of really good insights in there. I'd encourage others to read it if you haven't already. I really am trying to focus on controlling my thoughts, rather than counting days.
This is a battle in the mind and fantasy and unhealthy thoughts really are the start to every slip. I'd also include negative thoughts as things to be avoided. I've noticed that over the last few years, I've let a steady stream of negative thoughts run through my head. Many of these relate to negative views about my job, my wife or stressing about finances. I want to focus on recognizing these unhealthy and unhelpful thoughts as soon as they arrive and dispatch with them immediately. I don't even want to give them the time of day.
I've been reading a book about Stoic philosophy and how to incorporate it into daily living. I'll write more about it later, but am finding it very useful.
TK-421
This is a battle in the mind and fantasy and unhealthy thoughts really are the start to every slip. I'd also include negative thoughts as things to be avoided. I've noticed that over the last few years, I've let a steady stream of negative thoughts run through my head. Many of these relate to negative views about my job, my wife or stressing about finances. I want to focus on recognizing these unhealthy and unhelpful thoughts as soon as they arrive and dispatch with them immediately. I don't even want to give them the time of day.
I've been reading a book about Stoic philosophy and how to incorporate it into daily living. I'll write more about it later, but am finding it very useful.
TK-421
TK-421
Active Member
I haven't posted for a while, so due for an update. Things are going well. I'm reading a book at the moment called "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins and am finding it very insightful. One of the things I've really learned about this whole process is that the problem doesn't just start at the moment I make the decision to PMO or act out sexually. At that point it's probably too late to engage in any sort of healthy dialogue with myself. I have really had to focus on removing fantasy and porn subs. I'm focusing now on talking back to the "addict voice" as soon as it comes along with some unhealthy ideas about porn and sex for me. I accept that I can't even entertain any of these sorts of thoughts. If I linger too long on sexy porn subs or start to fantasize about an attractive woman, I am more likely than not starting down the all to familiar path to hours of PMO and unhealthy sexual behaviours. For me there is no middle ground.
As Balanced mentioned and as discussed in the book I'm reading, the battle is to cast out these thoughts AS SOON as they pop into my head. There simply is no room for them if I want to reach my goal of being the type of man I want to be. As Balanced also mentioned, it is very empowering to make the right choice and to feel that I am in control of my thoughts and actions and that I am not doomed to just bounce around guided by sexual impulses that drive my behaviour and I am just the hapless fool with no say in the matter.
I am also very humbled by and respectful of this addition. I know how quickly things can change and I can find myself reverting to old ways of thinking. This is why I must be vigilant.
To anyone who is just starting or who is struggling, my advice to you is that it is possible to beat this. There are many examples of successful rebooters on here. If you are stuck in a rut, make small goals of quitting for just one day, and then a second and keep it going from there. Become aware of what your mind tells you and how it tries to fool you into thinking that "once won't hurt" or "it wasn't so bad" or "I'm just a sexual person". These are just rationalizations and always lead back to the same place.
Wishing everyone success.
TK-421
As Balanced mentioned and as discussed in the book I'm reading, the battle is to cast out these thoughts AS SOON as they pop into my head. There simply is no room for them if I want to reach my goal of being the type of man I want to be. As Balanced also mentioned, it is very empowering to make the right choice and to feel that I am in control of my thoughts and actions and that I am not doomed to just bounce around guided by sexual impulses that drive my behaviour and I am just the hapless fool with no say in the matter.
I am also very humbled by and respectful of this addition. I know how quickly things can change and I can find myself reverting to old ways of thinking. This is why I must be vigilant.
To anyone who is just starting or who is struggling, my advice to you is that it is possible to beat this. There are many examples of successful rebooters on here. If you are stuck in a rut, make small goals of quitting for just one day, and then a second and keep it going from there. Become aware of what your mind tells you and how it tries to fool you into thinking that "once won't hurt" or "it wasn't so bad" or "I'm just a sexual person". These are just rationalizations and always lead back to the same place.
Wishing everyone success.
TK-421