B
Branch
Guest
TK-421 said:
This is everything true and right about RN. You even made me feel OK with myself despite recent struggles.
Bravo!
My "Hard 90" Journal
- Thread starter TK-421
- Start date
This is everything true and right about RN. You even made me feel OK with myself despite recent struggles.
Bravo!
TK-421
Active Member
Day 48
Day 48, take 2. Feeling very "cravy" the last 24 hours or so. Probably the worst I've had it during this second go round. I know I'm coming up to the point where I was at on my last stumble, so want to avoid a repeat of that. At the gym now as a distraction (although the scenery here is somewhat triggering). I think I need to look at staying off news sites and all social media. I'd like to figure out how to block downloading Kik to my phone, but haven't been able to do that. Thinking about making an appointment with my counsellor too - anything to stay on the right track.
Day 48, take 2. Feeling very "cravy" the last 24 hours or so. Probably the worst I've had it during this second go round. I know I'm coming up to the point where I was at on my last stumble, so want to avoid a repeat of that. At the gym now as a distraction (although the scenery here is somewhat triggering). I think I need to look at staying off news sites and all social media. I'd like to figure out how to block downloading Kik to my phone, but haven't been able to do that. Thinking about making an appointment with my counsellor too - anything to stay on the right track.
fyg
Well-Known Member
I confess haven't been reading that much of late... and to add to Chip, Bob and Branch. You got this man. Quitting social media is a legit option... I've been thinking the same for facebook. And if you need a counselling session - that's totally healthy man.
I was just considering - in the back of my mind - doing one of my ever-increasingly-ingenious methods of M'ing just now, but after reading your post, I'm reminded of where that leads.
Thanks bro. Keep going.
I was just considering - in the back of my mind - doing one of my ever-increasingly-ingenious methods of M'ing just now, but after reading your post, I'm reminded of where that leads.
Thanks bro. Keep going.
B
Branch
Guest
TK-421 said:
Absolutely. I'm thinking about seeing a counselor about the emotional ups and downs.
TK-421
Active Member
Day 49
Day 49, take 2. Feeling the need to check in again. I've been re-reading William's thread again from start to finish and find it immensely helpful. I need to recognize that every thought and urge I feel are just withdrawal symptoms and they are the price to pay for getting clean. I refuse to engage the addiction. I will get through this reboot. I am at the point in my reboot where, during the first attempt, I was very busy at work, didn't check in regularly for a couple of weeks and ultimately stumbled. I won't let the same thing happened to me again.
I want to write a bit about where I think the urges over the last couple of days have come from. I recall looking at a news story a couple of days ago about some music awards. The accompanying photo was of some attractive dancers in provocative and revealing poses. I think I lingered too long. I also think I have been spending too much time on my phone the last few days. Combine that with the provocative stuff on Facebook and the often cavalier attitude towards sex and porn that one just comes across regularly (comments from co-workers, people on other forums, etc) and it's easy to become twisted up. I'm also under a considerable amount of work stress (approaching burn out at times it feels like). Not that any of this is an excuse, but I want to write about it for my own awareness. I've found that when I get off kilter like this I'm grouchy, tired and don't feel like doing much.
Apologies for the negative post, I'm going to try to lighten up my mood. I have an appointment with my counsellor in 30 minutes. I'm not even sure what I want to talk about. I just felt that I needed to do something to actively demonstrate my commitment to this process. I know that this addiction is cunning. It will whisper things in my ear - it will suggest "it wasn't so bad", "everyone does it" or "one quick one doesn't hurt". I know for a fact that these are all lies. I can't trust what I sometimes feel, as these are just withdrawals. I need to suffer through whatever withdrawals come, as this is the price that needs to be paid to get clean.
TK-421
Day 49, take 2. Feeling the need to check in again. I've been re-reading William's thread again from start to finish and find it immensely helpful. I need to recognize that every thought and urge I feel are just withdrawal symptoms and they are the price to pay for getting clean. I refuse to engage the addiction. I will get through this reboot. I am at the point in my reboot where, during the first attempt, I was very busy at work, didn't check in regularly for a couple of weeks and ultimately stumbled. I won't let the same thing happened to me again.
I want to write a bit about where I think the urges over the last couple of days have come from. I recall looking at a news story a couple of days ago about some music awards. The accompanying photo was of some attractive dancers in provocative and revealing poses. I think I lingered too long. I also think I have been spending too much time on my phone the last few days. Combine that with the provocative stuff on Facebook and the often cavalier attitude towards sex and porn that one just comes across regularly (comments from co-workers, people on other forums, etc) and it's easy to become twisted up. I'm also under a considerable amount of work stress (approaching burn out at times it feels like). Not that any of this is an excuse, but I want to write about it for my own awareness. I've found that when I get off kilter like this I'm grouchy, tired and don't feel like doing much.
Apologies for the negative post, I'm going to try to lighten up my mood. I have an appointment with my counsellor in 30 minutes. I'm not even sure what I want to talk about. I just felt that I needed to do something to actively demonstrate my commitment to this process. I know that this addiction is cunning. It will whisper things in my ear - it will suggest "it wasn't so bad", "everyone does it" or "one quick one doesn't hurt". I know for a fact that these are all lies. I can't trust what I sometimes feel, as these are just withdrawals. I need to suffer through whatever withdrawals come, as this is the price that needs to be paid to get clean.
TK-421
B
Branch
Guest
TK,
Day 49--Excellent post. I've been so down today "grouchy and tired" sounds good. But reading this gives me perspective.
Thanks.
Branch
Day 49--Excellent post. I've been so down today "grouchy and tired" sounds good. But reading this gives me perspective.
Thanks.
Branch
TK-421
Active Member
Day 50
Day 50, take 2. Making adjustments. Feeling in a much better place today than the last couple of days. I met with my counsellor yesterday and one thing he said that stuck out was that "maybe the addiction isn't done with you", meaning that even if I am done with it it may not be done with me and will demonstrate that through withdrawals. I think part of a successful reboot is to make adjustments as required - I've recognized that many of my triggers come through news sites and social media and just generally too much time spent on the Internet. Gabe has said that a porn addiction is really an Internet addiction, which I agree with. Fertile ground for a relapse is being tired or bored and just mindlessly being online. My "adjustment" then is to get off my phone at 9:00 pm and not keep it in my bedroom at night (started a few days ago) and also to be much more mindful about when I'm going online that it is for a specific purpose (ie I'm going to go online to do X and then only do X). I will focus over the next few days on being more aware of going online and being more intentional about what I am doing.
On a sadder note, I just noticed that Chip's profile is now a guest profile. I'm not sure if that means he's left us, but I'm a bit sad because he's been such a great supporter of so many guys and I knew I could always count on him for comments and encouragement in my journal. I am, however, glad that he has found success and was able to move on if that was his choice.
TK-421
Day 50, take 2. Making adjustments. Feeling in a much better place today than the last couple of days. I met with my counsellor yesterday and one thing he said that stuck out was that "maybe the addiction isn't done with you", meaning that even if I am done with it it may not be done with me and will demonstrate that through withdrawals. I think part of a successful reboot is to make adjustments as required - I've recognized that many of my triggers come through news sites and social media and just generally too much time spent on the Internet. Gabe has said that a porn addiction is really an Internet addiction, which I agree with. Fertile ground for a relapse is being tired or bored and just mindlessly being online. My "adjustment" then is to get off my phone at 9:00 pm and not keep it in my bedroom at night (started a few days ago) and also to be much more mindful about when I'm going online that it is for a specific purpose (ie I'm going to go online to do X and then only do X). I will focus over the next few days on being more aware of going online and being more intentional about what I am doing.
On a sadder note, I just noticed that Chip's profile is now a guest profile. I'm not sure if that means he's left us, but I'm a bit sad because he's been such a great supporter of so many guys and I knew I could always count on him for comments and encouragement in my journal. I am, however, glad that he has found success and was able to move on if that was his choice.
TK-421
TK, you're only 8 days away from dropping "take 2" and you're on a roll. Keep the resolve, it IS about making a conscious decision every time to behave positively and constructively. Removing the temptation is a solid choice for where you are in the reboot, and will serve you well as you move past 58 days and focus on 90 and beyond. Keep up the resolve, stay strong.
TK-421
Active Member
Day 54
Day 54, take 2. Things are going well. I have come to realize that withdrawals and urges are temporary. No matter what I am feeling in the moment, I do not have to engage in whatever the urge is telling me I "feel" like doing. For far too long I did things because I "felt" like it and could not think of a good enough reason to not do something that I felt like doing. Only when the cumulative effect of my actions became so obviously negative did I begin to think that I needed to make changes and talk back to those urges and desires. I now understand that what for so many years I thought was the cure, was actually the very thing that was ailing me.
I know there are a few guys on here that are restarting after slips. I urge you to refocus and get on top of the addiction. It is very empowering to finally feel that I have some direction over this part of my life, and that I am not doomed to just forever act on impulses that ultimately only bring sadness, desperation and negativity into my life.
I have also been thinking lately about my much improved relationship with my oldest daughter. She is 17 now and over the last year or so we had some very trying times with her. Some of it was her, some of it was me. She, unfortunately, had become aware of some of my activities around pornography. I have not yet had a direct conversation with her about my decision to leave all of this behind me, but I can't help but think that she has noticed and felt the change in me. My relationship with her is much improved and I am very proud of the changes I have seen in her. For so long I felt like a fraud as I tried to teach my kids about honesty, integrity, work ethic, boyfriends, sex, etc, all the while I was personally and privately struggling with my own issues. It really is freeing and empowering to begin to line up my own actions with my values.
This really is a journey of self discovery and I am glad to be sharing it with the other guys on this forum. I really want to see all of us find success in this. To the new guys and the guys that have been here a while and are still struggling, I urge you to to recommit and be diligent about removing this addiction from your life. There is a way out!
Much love (to borrow from William, who has helped so much).
TK-421
Day 54, take 2. Things are going well. I have come to realize that withdrawals and urges are temporary. No matter what I am feeling in the moment, I do not have to engage in whatever the urge is telling me I "feel" like doing. For far too long I did things because I "felt" like it and could not think of a good enough reason to not do something that I felt like doing. Only when the cumulative effect of my actions became so obviously negative did I begin to think that I needed to make changes and talk back to those urges and desires. I now understand that what for so many years I thought was the cure, was actually the very thing that was ailing me.
I know there are a few guys on here that are restarting after slips. I urge you to refocus and get on top of the addiction. It is very empowering to finally feel that I have some direction over this part of my life, and that I am not doomed to just forever act on impulses that ultimately only bring sadness, desperation and negativity into my life.
I have also been thinking lately about my much improved relationship with my oldest daughter. She is 17 now and over the last year or so we had some very trying times with her. Some of it was her, some of it was me. She, unfortunately, had become aware of some of my activities around pornography. I have not yet had a direct conversation with her about my decision to leave all of this behind me, but I can't help but think that she has noticed and felt the change in me. My relationship with her is much improved and I am very proud of the changes I have seen in her. For so long I felt like a fraud as I tried to teach my kids about honesty, integrity, work ethic, boyfriends, sex, etc, all the while I was personally and privately struggling with my own issues. It really is freeing and empowering to begin to line up my own actions with my values.
This really is a journey of self discovery and I am glad to be sharing it with the other guys on this forum. I really want to see all of us find success in this. To the new guys and the guys that have been here a while and are still struggling, I urge you to to recommit and be diligent about removing this addiction from your life. There is a way out!
Much love (to borrow from William, who has helped so much).
TK-421
B
Branch
Guest
Excellent post. Heart-warming to hear of your renewed connection with your daughter.
This sentence hits home for me:
"Only when the cumulative effect of my actions became so obviously negative did I begin to think that I needed to make changes and talk back to those urges and desires."
Branch
This sentence hits home for me:
"Only when the cumulative effect of my actions became so obviously negative did I begin to think that I needed to make changes and talk back to those urges and desires."
Branch
TK-421 said:
I think you are in the core of beating this addiction here. We should do everything to learn to behave in a way that is healthy and doesn't invite the urges, but if what you wrote above is not taken in and constantly applied when urges come then, I'm afraid at some point we will fail (speaking from experience here).
TK-421
Active Member
Day 57
Day 57, take 2. Thanks for the comments guys, it means a lot to me.
After tomorrow I'll be able to take the "take 2" off my posts, which feels like an accomplishment. I'll be into new territory. I got to 58 days on the first attempt, then stumbled for 4 or 5 days, and now back to 57 days. So actually clean for 110 of the last 115 days - at the beginning of 2016 it would have been hard to imagine that I could have gotten here. I'm grateful for the changes I am seeing in me.
I've recently started to think about other changes that I want to make in my life. I often counsel other guys to not focus on too much else during the reboot. I see some guys come in and in their enthusiasm they want to do a complete makeover. They want to quit porn, lose 40 pounds, become a star at work, learn a new language, pick up old hobbies, etc. These are all worthy pursuits, but I think, during the reboot, the focus and priority has to be breaking free of the PMO Madhouse. To the extent other activities support this goal, like getting some exercise, they are helpful, but Job #1 of completing the reboot needs to be front and centre.
Having said this, I have been reflecting recently on how I want to be more intentional about certain areas of my life. I feel that in many ways I've been on autopilot with no real direction or focus about how I plan my days - no real goal setting or action plans for achieving my goals. This has resulted in a lot of unnecessary worry and stress. I often have felt close to burnout - mostly related to my job which I find stressful and I don't enjoy at all. So, I've identified six areas of my life that I want to work on improving. These are:
Family/Marriage
Health (Physical, Mental, Emotional and Spiritual)
Career/Financial
Friends/Personal Connections
Personal Improvement
Hobbies/Pastimes/Fun
I've started a journal and just made some notes about where I think I'm at in each of these areas. I've also given myself a grade out of 10 (mostly poor grades, to be honest). My next step is to develop a statement for each area of what I think a 10/10 would look like. Then I want to put together a plan or action list of how I can work towards getting to the 10/10. I want to commit to regularly evaluating my progress. I know I need to keep things simple, so that I can keep up with my goals. I'm really good at starting things, not so good at keeping up the momentum. It is also eye-opening to see how my porn and sex issues have really impacted negatively all these areas of my life. I've often thought that if I spent all the time I spent PMOing doing something positive like going to the gym that I would be well on my way to being Mr. Universe (no joke, haha).
Hope everyone is doing well. Take those chains off!
TK-421
Day 57, take 2. Thanks for the comments guys, it means a lot to me.
After tomorrow I'll be able to take the "take 2" off my posts, which feels like an accomplishment. I'll be into new territory. I got to 58 days on the first attempt, then stumbled for 4 or 5 days, and now back to 57 days. So actually clean for 110 of the last 115 days - at the beginning of 2016 it would have been hard to imagine that I could have gotten here. I'm grateful for the changes I am seeing in me.
I've recently started to think about other changes that I want to make in my life. I often counsel other guys to not focus on too much else during the reboot. I see some guys come in and in their enthusiasm they want to do a complete makeover. They want to quit porn, lose 40 pounds, become a star at work, learn a new language, pick up old hobbies, etc. These are all worthy pursuits, but I think, during the reboot, the focus and priority has to be breaking free of the PMO Madhouse. To the extent other activities support this goal, like getting some exercise, they are helpful, but Job #1 of completing the reboot needs to be front and centre.
Having said this, I have been reflecting recently on how I want to be more intentional about certain areas of my life. I feel that in many ways I've been on autopilot with no real direction or focus about how I plan my days - no real goal setting or action plans for achieving my goals. This has resulted in a lot of unnecessary worry and stress. I often have felt close to burnout - mostly related to my job which I find stressful and I don't enjoy at all. So, I've identified six areas of my life that I want to work on improving. These are:
Family/Marriage
Health (Physical, Mental, Emotional and Spiritual)
Career/Financial
Friends/Personal Connections
Personal Improvement
Hobbies/Pastimes/Fun
I've started a journal and just made some notes about where I think I'm at in each of these areas. I've also given myself a grade out of 10 (mostly poor grades, to be honest). My next step is to develop a statement for each area of what I think a 10/10 would look like. Then I want to put together a plan or action list of how I can work towards getting to the 10/10. I want to commit to regularly evaluating my progress. I know I need to keep things simple, so that I can keep up with my goals. I'm really good at starting things, not so good at keeping up the momentum. It is also eye-opening to see how my porn and sex issues have really impacted negatively all these areas of my life. I've often thought that if I spent all the time I spent PMOing doing something positive like going to the gym that I would be well on my way to being Mr. Universe (no joke, haha).
Hope everyone is doing well. Take those chains off!
TK-421
B
Branch
Guest
TK,
You say, "So, I've identified six areas of my life that I want to work on improving. These are:
Family/Marriage
Health (Physical, Mental, Emotional and Spiritual)
Career/Financial
Friends/Personal Connections
Personal Improvement
Hobbies/Pastimes/Fun."
I think it's great to see your ambition grow with your success in your reboot. Nice to see this happening with you and it motivates me.
Wishing you well!
Branch
You say, "So, I've identified six areas of my life that I want to work on improving. These are:
Family/Marriage
Health (Physical, Mental, Emotional and Spiritual)
Career/Financial
Friends/Personal Connections
Personal Improvement
Hobbies/Pastimes/Fun."
I think it's great to see your ambition grow with your success in your reboot. Nice to see this happening with you and it motivates me.
Wishing you well!
Branch
TK-421
Active Member
I've loved this poem for many years - sharing it here for those who haven't seen it:
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.
Welcome to Take One...you've crossed a significant psychological threshold, you should appreciate it fully, celebrate it, and be further empowered by it.
You sound like you are also beginning to look up from the hard work of reboot and starting to look toward the horizon, and that is very exciting. You now can see things you could not before, and can appreciate those parts of your life that atrophied as a result of the porn compulsion that now need attention. It is in relationships...to others, and to the world around us...that real fullness of life exists. I speak from experience, I had the same realization and have experienced what comes after you get past the initial task of reboot, and you embrace the possibilities.
I am happy for you, keep the resolve, and build on your initial success to take advantage of this door that is now open to greater personal growth.
You sound like you are also beginning to look up from the hard work of reboot and starting to look toward the horizon, and that is very exciting. You now can see things you could not before, and can appreciate those parts of your life that atrophied as a result of the porn compulsion that now need attention. It is in relationships...to others, and to the world around us...that real fullness of life exists. I speak from experience, I had the same realization and have experienced what comes after you get past the initial task of reboot, and you embrace the possibilities.
I am happy for you, keep the resolve, and build on your initial success to take advantage of this door that is now open to greater personal growth.
B
Branch
Guest
TK-421 said:
TK,
This takes me back to my college days. To quote a great song from those days, "As I walk through this world of tragedy, I ask myself, what's so funny about peace, love and understanding?" 8)
Branch