My "Hard 90" Journal

[Chip]

Day 33! Congratulations sir! I love the name "TK-421", very clever! I think these counters are a great idea, I wish they had existed years ago. Keep up the good work.

i had to look this up, I had no idea "TK-421" was a storm trooper from the Death Star, but I wasn't into Star Wars. In 1977 there were 2 big movies that came out, Star Wars and Smokey and the Bandit. All my friends went Star Wars crazy, I wanted a black trans am. I never saw SW until I was 23, but I have to agree tk-421 is clever.

I'm East bound and down, good buddy.
10-10 on the side, come back.
get Fred back in the truck, this ain't no time for a bath.

 

[TK-421]

^^ Haha, I was wondering how long it would take for someone to figure out the reference. It works on a few levels for me - "TK-421 why aren't you at your post?" seemed relevant for me too.

 

[TK-421]

Day 35

Day 35, take 2.  Just waiting to meet my wife for lunch an thought I'd use the downtime to check in. Things are going well, although I confess to the reboot being on my mind much of the time. I think it has to be to guard against complacency. I was thinking recently about something William said about it being "time to walk the path". I think there is a big difference between knowing the path and actually walking it. It's fairly easy to study the problem (which I think is necessary), understanding it and then actually WALKING it. Walking the path to freedom is the hard part, and the part that takes dedication.

I see some guys on here that have been around for years, yes years, post and participate a lot, yet only have 5 days clean. I think this is due to just intellectualizing recovery - studying it, analyzing it, looking for support after a relapse, etc but never actually walking the path. Like William says, it's time to take your medicine, time to walk the path and get clean. Time to get over to the free side where we can know what it is like to live without addiction.

 

[Chip]

Wow!  You are in the zone, dude. I am really just amazed at how far you've come. You are an inspiration, a pillar of support and a good friend. Thanks for all your hard work.

Chip

 

[Oneway]

Day 35
I see some guys on here that have been around for years, yes years, post and participate a lot, yet only have 5 days clean. I think this is due to just intellectualizing recovery - studying it, analyzing it, looking for support after a relapse, etc but never actually walking the path. Like William says, it's time to take your medicine, time to walk the path and get clean. Time to get over to the free side where we can know what it is like to live without addiction.

Hi TK. Couldn't agree with you more!

The difference may be the mindset. "I'm trying to quit" vs. "I have quit". The former always leaves the option for porn. It says that I'm weak but at least I'm trying...and as soon as the uncomfort, cravings and urges hit...relapse. Not learning and making necessary changes but repeating the same cycle of trying and relapsing over and over.

I know because I have tried to quit p and failed for 10 years now. Now it is time for me to quit. Enduring (and even embracing) the uncomfort and being done with porn for good!

All the best for you in your walk to freedom.

 

[TK-421]

Wow!  You are in the zone, dude. I am really just amazed at how far you've come. You are an inspiration, a pillar of support and a good friend. Thanks for all your hard work.

Chip

Thanks Chip, you have also been a great support and friend on here with your regular comments.

 

[TK-421]

Day 35
I see some guys on here that have been around for years, yes years, post and participate a lot, yet only have 5 days clean. I think this is due to just intellectualizing recovery - studying it, analyzing it, looking for support after a relapse, etc but never actually walking the path. Like William says, it's time to take your medicine, time to walk the path and get clean. Time to get over to the free side where we can know what it is like to live without addiction.

Hi TK. Couldn't agree with you more!

The difference may be the mindset. "I'm trying to quit" vs. "I have quit". The former always leaves the option for porn. It says that I'm weak but at least I'm trying...and as soon as the uncomfort, cravings and urges hit...relapse. Not learning and making necessary changes but repeating the same cycle of trying and relapsing over and over.

I know because I have tried to quit p and failed for 10 years now. Now it is time for me to quit. Enduring (and even embracing) the uncomfort and being done with porn for good!

All the best for you in your walk to freedom.

Thanks Oneway. I agree that there are usually bumps and this is a process of two steps forward and one back. If we keep doing the same things over and over though, we haven't learned anything and likely lack the required commitment.

 

[TK-421]

Day 40

Day 40, take 2.  40 days on the second go round! I remember posting the first time that it felt like quite an achievement. I still think it is, but is a bit different this time. I am focusing on trying to develop the mentality that "I'm quit", rather than just focusing on just counting the days. William likened counting days to seeing how long you could hold your breath, which I think is true.

Throughout this reboot, I'm really coming to see how I used MO, PMO and sex as a way to soothe feelings of discomfort. I've been dealing with a lot of stress on the work front, and often my first thought is that it would be nice to rub one out. I've done that for many years I guess without putting any thought at all into the feeling of why this would be a good thing to do. Of course it is pleasurable in the moment and takes me out of my head. I've learned now that there are all sorts of negative consequences to my behaviours and I now have to walk this path of recovery if I want to have a peaceful and useful existence. That's a hard realization! I know that the old ways of PMO and sexually acting out have ceased to work. I don't want to go back to the way I was. My path forward now is to defeat this addiction (and there is no doubt in my mind that this is in fact addiction, being someone who has overcome other forms of addiction in his life).

Strength to all that are going through this struggle.

TK-421

 

[Chip]

Hey! Hey! Hey! Get outta TK's way, he's busting thru 40!!!  Congrats.

 

[TK-421]

Day 41

Day 41, take 2.  Time for a little self-affirmation....I am quitting porn. I am not trying to control it. I want porn out of my life and am willing to suffer whatever this addiction can throw at me during the 90 day reboot.

I was told to get educated, so I've read much of the information on here. I've watched the Gary Wilson video probably 25 times. I feel like I finally have some understanding about what has been happening between my ears all of these years.

I was told to get tools...I know that some people recommend blockers. For me one of my main outlets was a chat app, so I don't think a blocker helps me there. For me "getting tools" has been keeping up with this journal and participating in the forum.

I was told to learn to love withdrawals...ok, maybe I don't love them, but part of the knowledge has been to know that withdrawals are coming and that I have to go through them. I have to embrace the fact that I CANNOT trust what I am feeling at times. After all, it was doing whatever I "felt like" that has got me into this mess.

I have to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all at times - I never would have imagined that I could become a "porn addict", posting on a forum with a bunch of annonymous guys about our common struggle. This, however, is the path I'm on and I will embrace it.

 

[TK-421]

You are 100% correct about acknowledging urges and coming to understand, really understand, that you do not have to act on them. THIS is key. It's a realization of your own power and that you are not your addiction. You are something greater. This is both humbling and enlightening. We simply are learning to live at a higher level than where our baser instincts would keep us imprisoned.

Just reposting the earlier post above from our old friend Boo. I think this is a key point that I glossed over the first time around and I really want this concept to sink in. We do not have to act on every thought or impulse that comes into our heads. We can let those thoughts wash over us. We can just ride them out.

 

[Oneway]

You are 100% correct about acknowledging urges and coming to understand, really understand, that you do not have to act on them. THIS is key. It's a realization of your own power and that you are not your addiction. You are something greater. This is both humbling and enlightening. We simply are learning to live at a higher level than where our baser instincts would keep us imprisoned.

Just reposting the earlier post above from our old friend Boo. I think this is a key point that I glossed over the first time around and I really want this concept to sink in. We do not have to act on every thought or impulse that comes into our heads. We can let those thoughts wash over us. We can just ride them out.

Boo has put it so well. When you think of it, this addiction can be beaten simply by not responding to urges. As humans we have that choise.

 

[TK-421]

Day 44

Day 44, take 2.  Not to get too far ahead of myself, but I'm looking forward to getting past 58 days so I can drop the "take 2" reference. I do like to go back and read my journal, so wanted to have a reference to where I was at when I made a specific post.

I saw in a couple of journals that guys were trying to cut back on time spent on the Internet. I think this could be helpful for me too. I am guilty of spending way too much time on my phone, just grabbing it for a break and all of a sudden half an hour went by. I've started to "put my phone to bed" at 9:00 pm and don't keep it in my bedroom overnight. I'll think about implementing some other ways to limit use, but this is a start. I've often advised guys to not focus on too many things during the reboot in a quest to become a better person - for me job #1 is to get PMO and MO out of my life. I do think though that idle and excessive time spent online is fertile ground for slips, so is something I want to limit (not to mention that it is largely unproductive, passive time).

As I get further into my reboot, I'm am really coming to a realization of how I used PMO (and previously alcohol) as an easy way of self-soothing. Anytime I felt stressed, bored or lonely my immediate, intuitive response was almost always to run to PMO (or booze). I feel like I'm now in a place where I can control that initial reaction, but it is still there (ie the idea to PMO pops into my head, and I have to tell myself "Not so fast, we're on a path of renewal and changing those behaviours, remember?" 

Hope all are well and progressing - comments and feedback are welcome.

TK-421

 

[balanced]

TK, congrats on 45 days...keep up the resolve and commitment. You've received some great input from others, so I don't have much to add other than to say that for me a key to my defeating the PMO/MO compulsion was learning to celebrate the moments of denying the urge, however I did it and whatever tools I used...that feeling of victory became my new urge. And then came the feeling of satisfaction that I was able to exercise self-discipline and control over my thoughts and behaviors...so empowering.

Here's the passing day 58, then 90, and then the rest of your life...

 

[TK-421]

Thanks Balanced. Absolutely we need to get excited about our success.  Speaking of celebrating overcoming urges, I had a strange experience last night were I woke up and was in the "zone" (and not in a good way). This has happened to me before when I wake up suddenly and am extremely turned on. Thankfully I didn't have my phone handy (I've recently decided to not sleep with it beside my bed), or who knows where things would have gone. I'm thankful that I was able to ride out the urge, but I bit surprised that this happened- I think that I am in a good place, so not sure what brought this on. It can also be difficult to deal with these types of urges when you're both half asleep and also "in the porn zone" before you've had an opportunity to use any strategies to not act on the urge. Has anyone else experienced this?

 

[Chip]

Thanks Balanced. Absolutely we need to get excited about our success.  Speaking of celebrating overcoming urges, I had a strange experience last night were I woke up and was in the "zone" (and not in a good way). This has happened to me before when I wake up suddenly and am extremely turned on. Thankfully I didn't have my phone handy (I've recently decided to not sleep with it beside my bed), or who knows where things would have gone. I'm thankful that I was able to ride out the urge, but I bit surprised that this happened- I think that I am in a good place, so not sure what brought this on. It can also be difficult to deal with these types of urges when you're both half asleep and also "in the porn zone" before you've had an opportunity to use any strategies to not act on the urge. Has anyone else experienced this?

Heres to you getting over the hump!  I don't recall your record but I can attest that after 70 you can really feel the momentum shift and each day gets a little better. The urges become more and more inconsequential. Keep it up RN Twin, just make sure you stay at your station this time, ok.

 

[Branch]

Great work, TK!  Keep going!

 

[TK-421]

Day 47

Day 47, take 2.  Cruising along. It's not always easy, but if it was easy we wouldn't need forums like this. I'm encouraged by a lot of the recent success I've seen guys on this forum achieve recently (especially this +40 section).  I've seen guys complete their reboot, I've seen guys get to record days after numerous false starts and I've seen guys come back after a slip with renewed determination. I've also seen some guys fall away - that does make me wonder what happened to them. I hope those guys are able to figure it out, because it isn't easy to roll around in the muck. I know that I did that for far too long.

I'm grateful for this forum. Who would have thought that a misfit group of anonymous men could be so important to my recovery.  I'm grateful that guys like William have been able to show so many of us the path. I often feel like a man that was stumbling around, lost in the wilderness without any hope. Then someone showed up with a map and pointed me in the right direction.  Sometimes I just want to scream at guys when I see how confused they are and how they are stuggling. It really is such a gift to have the knowledge and support of the people on this forum. SEIZE IT! We don't have to stumble around in the darkness. There is a way out! I may sound like a bit of a nut - maybe that comes from trying to get out from under this for a longer period of time than some of the younger guys (I first started to realize I had a problem and was looking for a way out in 2009). Perhaps that has led to a greater amount of desperation.

I'm also grateful for the other men on this forum that are sharing the same struggle and are committed to becoming better men, better husbands and better fathers. This struggle is all too real, but worth it. I have begun to see satisfying changes in myself, in my relationship with my wife and with my kids. I want success in beating this. I check in daily, try to post and read as much as I can. It helps to be mindful of the fact that I am in a battle. I still feel the tug regularly though. I still need to be mindful of porn subs and ogling, but I am working on it.

This turned out to be a bit of a rambling post. Hope all of you are well and thanks for sharing my journey.

TK-421

 

[Chip]

What a truly wonderful post and I can say without reservation I'm proud of what you've accomplished and that you are my friend. Your just different this time, stay with it.

Chip

 

[bob]

TK-421,

Day 47
Who would have thought that a misfit group of anonymous men could be so important to my recovery.

I hear you...

I cracked up when I read that one. So true. Both the anonymous and the misfit part. Couldn't be in a better group. You guys are the greatest!!!