My "Hard 90" Journal

[balanced]

I agree with Boo...we are not our addictions, when we come to realize this and take responsibility for the decisions and behaviors that got us into this mess we will be able to rise up and claim ourselves, begin to grow and become who we can and should be.

Responsibility...commitment...action...intense work...pain/anxiety...growth/joy...repeat...

 

[TK-421]

Thanks Boo and Balanced for checking in and for your comments. I haven't posted in my journal for a while, so planning to do that now.

 

[TK-421]

Day 56

Wow, I'm way overdue for an update in here. I have posted on some other threads more recently, but have also been away for a few days. I've been swamped with a project at work the last couple of weeks and the nature of what I do pretty much means that the rest of my life is on hold until the project is completed.

Things are ok. Still no MO and no PMO. I have noticed though that I need to be vigilant with my thoughts, even after 56 days. I've noticed a few times recently that old thoughts can creep back in. My wife's 22 year old niece is visiting from abroad and will be with us for 6 weeks. I have to be careful about fantasy, to be honest. It's easy for me to check her out and start to fantasize about having sex with her or how I could arrange for us to be alone. A couple of times when we've been alone at home I've just gone upstairs to my room because, to be honest,  I need to be careful about triggering myself and going down a road I don't want to go down.

Just now I had a lull at work and my mind turned to porn. I started to think about one of my favourite porn actresses. In my past, this would have been a prime time to act out. It's the end of a stressful day and I think "what's the harm" or "just a quick one won't hurt". I know it will and that's the insanity of this addiction. It's the voice in our head that lies to us. I know I don't want it in my life anymore.

I also have an appointment to see my counsellor tomorrow to do my step 5. I met with him once a couple of weeks ago and we talked more generally about my issues and doing the step 5. I think I am a bit  stressed about it - there is some stuff in my past that I am not proud of. I think tomorrow may have to be another counselling session, without getting into the step 5.

Anyways, that's where I'm at. Still going, still clean, not perfect. Part of what keeps me going is my commitment to make the 90 days. I do know that I am going to have to put some strategies in place for when I do hit 90.  I could see an urge coming on and having a desire to say "fuck it" - I did my 90 days and here I am with urges and a desire to look at porn still. Screw this!"  I'm not saying that will happen, just that if I want to be successful that I need to anticipate that mindset and plan for it.

 

[TK-421]

Hey TK,

I'm seeing a solid trajectory toward fulfilling your goal here. When you get further along complacency can creep in. Be watchful and know your mind.

You are 100% correct about acknowledging urges and coming to understand, really understand, that you do not have to act on them. THIS is key. It's a realization of your own power and that you are not your addiction. You are something greater. This is both humbling and enlightening. We simply are learning to live at a higher level than where our baser instincts would keep us imprisoned.

Just read this again and it describes exactly where I'm at. Recognizing complacency and reinforcing that we do not need to act on urges is key.

 

[Chip]

Day 56

Wow, I'm way overdue for an update in here. I have posted on some other threads more recently, but have also been away for a few days. I've been swamped with a project at work the last couple of weeks and the nature of what I do pretty much means that the rest of my life is on hold until the project is completed.

Things are ok. Still no MO and no PMO. I have noticed though that I need to be vigilant with my thoughts, even after 56 days. I've noticed a few times recently that old thoughts can creep back in. My wife's 22 year old niece is visiting from abroad and will be with us for 6 weeks. I have to be careful about fantasy, to be honest. It's easy for me to check her out and start to fantasize about having sex with her or how I could arrange for us to be alone. A couple of times when we've been alone at home I've just gone upstairs to my room because, to be honest,  I need to be careful about triggering myself and going down a road I don't want to go down.

Just now I had a lull at work at my mind turned to porn. I started to think about one of my favourite porn actresses. In my past, this would have been a prime time to act out. It's the end of a stressful day and I think "what's the harm" or "just a quick one won't hurt". I know it will and that's the insanity of this addiction. It's the voice in our head that lies to us. I know I don't want it in my life anymore.

I also have an appointment to see my counsellor tomorrow to do my step 5. I met with him once a couple of weeks ago and we talked more generally about my issues and doing the step 5. I think I am a bit  stressed about it - there is some stuff in my past that I am not proud of. I think tomorrow may have to be another counselling session, without getting into the step 5.

Anyways, that's where I'm at. Still going, still clean, not perfect. Part of what keeps me going is my commitment to make the 90 days. I do know that I am going to have to put some strategies in place for when I do hit 90.  I could see an urge coming on and having a desire to say "fuck it" - I did my 90 days and here I am with urges and a desire to look at porn still. Screw this!"  I'm not saying that will happen, just that if I want to be successful that I need to anticipate that mindset and plan for it.

I can identify with a lot of what you said too.  That even after 57 days, the thoughts still try to make an appearance.  The taste for porn/pmo, it lingers, in the background, but like you said when things quiet down, there it is.  I will say, for me, its a much weaker pull than where I was 57 days ago.  My hope is that it one day completely disappears, but I suppose that may be wishful thinking, it just may be, for the rest of my days, I'm gonna have to stay on guard to it.  I think I'm ok with that, I let the monster in to begin with, so this may be the price we pay.  What is it they say, "hope for the best, plan for the worst".  And so it goes...  Good luck at counselor.

 

[TK-421]

Day 57

Time to regroup and refocus. I have not been in a great place the last couple of days and need to reaffirm my commitment to beating this and becoming the healthy man I want to be.

I want to write about what has happened - for both my own benefit and the benefit of those reading. As I mentioned in my earlier journal entry, I have been very busy at work for the last couple of weeks. The nature of what I do means that there are times when I am very busy, with intense pressure to meet deadlines. I had several days where I was in the office for 18+ hours and slept for 2-3 hours.  During the last week especially, pretty much everything else in my life was on hold. I didn't have time to post or read here. Not an excuse, but does provide the context.

I also have a friend who I would describe as a sex addict. He's a professional, who I met at university about 15 years ago. He's had a long time goal of moving to Russia so he can pick up girls and, basically have a life of sexual debauchery. He recently took a year leave of absence from his job and moved to Moscow. Over the years we have maintained a bit of a friendship - partly I felt because he needed a friend. I have not really been open with him about my sexual issues, but I have in the past expressed that I was into porn (as I know he is). A couple of days ago I received a message from him (his first since the move) with some updates about his "adventure" and attempts to bed some women.  We chatted for a bit and the conversation eventually became very sexual in nature and involved some exchanging of photos (including a non-nude photo of my wife). As I mentioned in earlier journal entries, this has been an area of great difficulty for me. I wanted him to ask for more explicit photos of my wife, but it (thankfully) didn't happen. This chat occurred the night before I was to do my step 5, with the result that I was awake and turned on most of the night. I was a mess and tired the next day and considered cancelling the step 5 appointment. I didn't cancel, and it went better than expected.

I considered whether I should be resetting my counter. I've decided I shouldn't for a few reasons. I didn't MO or PMO, which are the behaviours in my counter. I did however have some brief exposure to softcore images. I want to think of this as a bump in the road and a warning sign that I urgently need to confirm my commitment to getting healthy and breaking free of this addiction. I think it would be somewhat demoralizing to go back to 0, although I know many here (myself included) don't think the previous progress is lost if there is a relapse. I know that I was on very shaky ground and know that I need to be more vigilant. I was able to stop myself from a total relapse and going right back to MO and PMO. I'm not sure what the answer is with my friend - my gut says to abandon the relationship if it is putting my own health in jeopardy.

As I mentioned, the step 5 went better than expected- not completed and still need to do a lot of the sex-related stuff in another session, but I do think it is a good thing for me and I am in a better place today than I was yesterday.

TK-421

 

[TK-421]

I can identify with a lot of what you said too.  That even after 57 days, the thoughts still try to make an appearance.  The taste for porn/pmo, it lingers, in the background, but like you said when things quiet down, there it is.  I will say, for me, its a much weaker pull than where I was 57 days ago.  My hope is that it one day completely disappears, but I suppose that may be wishful thinking, it just may be, for the rest of my days, I'm gonna have to stay on guard to it.  I think I'm ok with that, I let the monster in to begin with, so this may be the price we pay.  What is it they say, "hope for the best, plan for the worst".  And so it goes...  Good luck at counselor.

Thanks Chip. I appreciate that you comment in here regularly and offer support. I also appreciate your honesty in your struggles. I know it is different for every guy but I wonder when guys claim that it's easy and have no bumps. Maybe that's the case, maybe it's whistling in the dark, maybe it's harder for some guys. I know that I have some pretty ingrained behaviours around sex and porn and I know I have to put the work in and stay committed to my progress. It really is humbling and maybe that's a good thing.  I am committed to this process and beating this.

 

[Chip]

Thanks Chip. I appreciate that you comment in here regularly and offer support. I also appreciate your honesty in your struggles. I know it is different for every guy but I wonder when guys claim that it's easy and have no bumps. Maybe that's the case, maybe it's whistling in the dark, maybe it's harder for some guys. I know that I have some pretty ingrained behaviours around sex and porn and I know I have to put the work in and stay committed to my progress. It really is humbling and maybe that's a good thing.  I am committed to this process and beating this.

It may be easier for some, maybe length of addiction or personality play a role as well.  If I'm really honest, the ones who piss me off the most are the ones who claim, "I just decided to quit and I never wanted to do it again.  No urges, no temptation, just clear sailing".  I some how doubt what they experienced was, "addiction".  But I digress, kudos on your continued success and I'm right there with you doing the hard work, though I confess it has seemed lighter since day 40.  I still have the occasional urge pass by and a twinge of frustration that I can't act out on it.  But they pass quickly and I focus on moving forward, in control.  My stallion has been broken and it was for the best, really.  Now all that power and energy is usable and focused, its amazing. 

To all my fellow struggler's; dig in, do the heavy lifting, sweat, feel the burn, power through and know there are blessings a plenty waiting for you on the other side.

 

[Boo]

Thanks Chip. I appreciate that you comment in here regularly and offer support. I also appreciate your honesty in your struggles. I know it is different for every guy but I wonder when guys claim that it's easy and have no bumps. Maybe that's the case, maybe it's whistling in the dark, maybe it's harder for some guys. I know that I have some pretty ingrained behaviours around sex and porn and I know I have to put the work in and stay committed to my progress. It really is humbling and maybe that's a good thing.  I am committed to this process and beating this.

It may be easier for some, maybe length of addiction or personality play a role as well.  If I'm really honest, the ones who piss me off the most are the ones who claim, "I just decided to quit and I never wanted to do it again.  No urges, no temptation, just clear sailing".  I some how doubt what they experienced was, "addiction".  But I digress, kudos on your continued success and I'm right there with you doing the hard work, though I confess it has seemed lighter since day 40.  I still have the occasional urge pass by and a twinge of frustration that I can't act out on it.  But they pass quickly and I focus on moving forward, in control.  My stallion has been broken and it was for the best, really.  Now all that power and energy is usable and focused, its amazing. 

To all my fellow struggler's; dig in, do the heavy lifting, sweat, feel the burn, power through and know there are blessings a plenty waiting for you on the other side.

Chip,

This is a great post that really hits home. This is hard stuff for most of us. A lot of us have had repeated attempts. I'm glad that it does get easier with time. I don't know if it ever truly goes away, but the urges/cravings and whatnot do become manageable to the point of not being oppressive. If that's as good as it get, I'll take it. All respect to you brother. Be blessed!

 

[TK-421]

I'm feeling the need to check in here. I've been rolling around in the shit for the last few days. I'm disappointed in myself. Cunning, baffling, powerful. I'm not even sure where I'm at now. I know I need to follow my own advice to other guys - to regroup and try to understand how the relapse happened so it doesn't happened again, and just keep going. It's hard to do though. I really felt like I was onto something this time. The good news is that 58 days is by far the longest stretch of healthier sexual behaviours I've had in my life and this was my first attempt on RN. I'm embarrassed and feel like I've let myself and everyone on here down. That's the cycle of this fucking addiction.

 

[Chip]

I can identify with what you describe and how seemingly it's smooth sailing and then a conversation happens or a stray photo or you start a movie and suddenly something intimate falls in your path. The old you would take it all in, but the new you knows to nip it in the bud quickly. However for whatever reason maybe you linger instead of changing the channel or we let someone continue a sexual conversation we know we shouldn't partake in. Suddenly the old wheels start to turn, the dominos one by one start to fall over and if we don't do something quick we're back in the PMO funhouse.

I've been there and about 5 days ago I found myself in a similar situation. I was up unable to sleep looking for something to watch on Netflix. I came across a documentary that looked interesting about a musician from the 70's. Within 5 mins we went from music to nudity and bragging of sexual conquests, I shut it off but I did linger a bit too long. For the next few days I felt conflicted, like half my brain wanted one thing and the other half wanted something else. I was miserable, edgy, angry, frustrated and finally depressed. I didn't put events together till I was reading your journal just now. My lingering instead leaving restarted my PMO furnace for a bit, I'm still intact but it was awful.

It's just my opinion and you can do with it what you wish, but I think you should tell your friend the truth and that is why you can't talk to him anymore. Your right, your health and your family must come first. You never know, you may end up saving him...  Just a thought. You know I'm around if you need me.

RN Twin,
Chip

 

[TK-421]

I can identify with what you describe and how seemingly it's smooth sailing and then a conversation happens or a stray photo or you start a movie and suddenly something intimate falls in your path. The old you would take it all in, but the new you knows to nip it in the bud quickly. However for whatever reason maybe you linger instead of changing the channel or we let someone continue a sexual conversation we know we shouldn't partake in. Suddenly the old wheels start to turn, the dominos one by one start to fall over and if we don't do something quick we're back in the PMO funhouse.

I've been there and about 5 days ago I found myself in a similar situation. I was up unable to sleep looking for something to watch on Netflix. I came across a documentary that looked interesting about a musician from the 70's. Within 5 mins we went from music to nudity and bragging of sexual conquests, I shut it off but I did linger a bit too long. For the next few days I felt conflicted, like half my brain wanted one thing and the other half wanted something else. I was miserable, edgy, angry, frustrated and finally depressed. I didn't put events together till I was reading your journal just now. My lingering instead leaving restarted my PMO furnace for a bit, I'm still intact but it was awful.

It's just my opinion and you can do with it what you wish, but I think you should tell your friend the truth and that is why you can't talk to him anymore. Your right, your health and your family must come first. You never know, you may end up saving him...  Just a thought. You know I'm around if you need me.

RN Twin,
Chip

Thanks Chip. I appreciate your comments. I really want to make this setback a learning experience. I need to recognize when I'm not on solid ground and things are at risk for going sideways. I felt like I was onto something for a good stretch there, but it's amazing how quickly things can come together to make things unravel. One thing I know for sure about myself is that once things start to unravel, I have a tendency to jump in with both feet. I need to do a better job of recognizing when I'm not in a good place and have a plan in place to deal with it. It's so easy to get to a mindset where it's easy to say "fuck it", easy to forget why I want to leave the porn life behind. Thanks for your support. I think it's time for me to do another update in my journal.

 

[TK-421]

Day 7

Day 7, take two.  Back at it on my second attempt at this. I don't want to let myself get too down about this setback and want to continue to make progress. So what have I learned so far?

1.  I am capable of living without porn and masturbation. I didn't even think it was physically possible for me before.

2. I feel a real sense of achievement when I can take steps to implement real change in my life and bring more alignment between the man I am and the man I think I should be.

3. It is an immense relief to not live in constant fear of being discovered by my wife or kids.

4. I still have a problem with excessive time spent on my phone. Some of it is productive, much of it isn't.

5. It's very easy for me to quickly revert to old behaviours. I have to be very vigilant.

6.  I have to take a very wide view of what is included in "porn subs". I think the first time around I gave myself too much room to engage in fantasy, check out sexy Facebook pictures, ogling, my chats with my friend (which came at a bad time and ultimately resulted in the relapse). I can't even entertain the thought of these things having space in my life.

7. At some point I have to involve my wife in this. I was reluctant to do so the first time around. Partly because things were reasonably good between us. Partly because I didn't want to tell her everything, only to fail and disappoint her again. I know that she does not have an appreciation for how difficult this is for me. As I have mentioned, I'm also doing a 12 step program and one of the steps involves disclosure and making amends to the people we have harmed, so I felt that was the time to involve my wife in this.

8. I need to make recovery from porn addiction the main focus of my life for 90 days. I was doing well and let myself get distracted with work and didn't check in here for a couple of weeks.

That's where I'm at. Feedback, comments and discussion are appreciated.

TK-421

 

[fyg]

Great post TK-421,

Just off the bat...

4. I still have a problem with excessive time spent on my phone. Some of it is productive, much of it isn't.

5. It's very easy for me to quickly revert to old behaviours. I have to be very vigilant.

6.  I have to take a very wide view of what is included in "porn subs". I think the first time around I gave myself too much room to engage in fantasy, check out sexy Facebook pictures, I ogling, my chats with my friend (which came at a bad time and ultimately resulted in the relapse). I can't even entertain the thought of these things having space in my life.

I hear you on the phone, and even though I don't use mine that much, I have easy access to my laptop and browse way too much on there. Re: Your comment on productivity; for me, random browsing takes me out of the moment and is what I am really thinking about lately. The following link, which you well may have read is from the Porn Addiction> Porn Addiction Evidence page here at RN...

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=24.0.

It's a post by Gabe Deem, and the opening line is "Porn addiction is an internet addiction...". It's showing us that browsing and compulsive internet use is probably feeding the same monster (dopamine hits from likes on facebook and that's before we even get to p-subs!) That's where I'm thinking, anyhow. Please check the following if anybody is interested...

https://www.quora.com/Is-Facebook-a-dopamine-machine


Hope you don't mind me offering that up. Just things been thinking about lately, and your post brought them up

Also... your point 5. Remaining Vigilant - absolutely. One RN Bro sent me a message some time ago now saying that you have to starve this thing until it dies, and I'm starting to think that way.

Your point 6 in which are p-subs - yes to all of those. I def have a thing with fantasy too. Which I'm working on. For me, I'm sure it's helping me to be a more self-contained man. Today on fb I focused on one pic and was getting a buzz from it - took me completely by surprise - I think the mind has very intelligent ways of getting what it wants. And as others have posted on here, that as we start to beat this thing, the brain will get the 'Dope' from anywhere it can?!

PS. Imho... I think your previous good work will have some left some 'juice in the tank'


Cheers!

 

[fyg]

Hey TK-421,

I just wanted to add that my closing comment about some juice in the tank was not needed. Of course there totally will be. I just read some more of your previous posts, and you had done some outstanding work. I need to read more of your journal. I too hear you, from previous posts, that these things come out of nowhere and can gain momentum super-quick. Hence why you saying remain vigilant is so on-point.

We can do this! Respect!

 

[BlueSun]

I havent done a lot of commenting although ive been following your posts.  You had/have a winning combination.  If it got you through one day, through ten, through 50, well... youve travelled territory ive still not seen.

Today I started watching some random 4.5 star horror scifi recommendation on netflix.  It wasnt particularly sexually themed, except it kept showing this guy in bed with his wife.  And in typical Hollywood fashion, the covers are just so... I had to turn it off.  I felt the tug, the moremoremore feeling.  Im just into day 7 after a weeklong jerkfest, so things are a bit inflamed.  But weeks went by when tv was just normal ho hum tv.

Facebook, deleted.  Cruising apps, deleted.  And it just keeps coming in, pixels everywhere!

You are a winner because you came back, stood up, owned it, started again. I know you said you were embarrassed,  but from this angle it looks like courage. Its that kind of courage that keeps me here.

 

[Chip]

I hear you on the "ease" of falling into old habits, old patterns.  The problem is we allowed ourselves, for years and years, to choose these patterns, these paths.  Now those old neural pathways are nice and wide and paved super highways, it's so easy to choose them for speed and convenience, but end in disaster. 

Now we set out to build a new path, in the beginning it feels a bit like walking up to a dense Forrest with a machete, but if we stay true it gets easier.  The old path still exists, but in time if we leave it be, it will fall into disrepair and become less and less appealing.  Commit to the new path, make it your new super highway.  Throw up some barriers so you can't accidentally take the wrong path anymore and focus on the new.

It takes time to discover our weaknesses, our little hidden entrances to our porno-highway, but if we learn from each setback and each other's falls and take steps to hinder a repeat we can win.  It's that easy, if we are 100% honest with ourselves about our weaknesses.

 

[TK-421]

Hey TK-421,

I just wanted to add that my closing comment about some juice in the tank was not needed. Of course there totally will be. I just read some more of your previous posts, and you had done some outstanding work. I need to read more of your journal. I too hear you, from previous posts, that these things come out of nowhere and can gain momentum super-quick. Hence why you saying remain vigilant is so on-point.

We can do this! Respect!

No offence taken, no need to apologize. I appreciate your comments and insights.

 

[TK-421]

Day 11

Day 11, take two. Just a quick check in. I'm off to do the second session of my Step 5 with my counsellor in about 10 minutes. We will be getting more into the sex related stuff today, so a bit more apprehensive about this. It really is sobering to see much of the ugliness on paper that this lifestyle has brought me. It also reaffirms my commitment to get this shit out of my life and becoming the man I want to be.  Will check in again later.

Also, thanks to those that have commented. I'm not always good at directly responding to each comment, but I do read them and appreciate the feedback.

TK-421

 

[RuntoSpirit]

I'm rooting that the time with your counselor will be great.  I am sure he (or she) will be able to hear what you have to say without judging.  You are looking at the effects of some of your life on paper.  That is not the whole of your life.  The whole of your life includes the person you are becoming.  This shit (as you say) is coming out of your life.
As you reboot your brain is becoming your friend instead of your enemy pushing you down its well trodden paths.
New pathways are its future.  You will get your 90 days, and in the meantime your brain is getting rewired. 
Every joy to you as you keep rebooting.