Congrats on 15! I'm right there with you, on or about 15 as I write this. I think you and I are of a similar path, that NO PORN is the only way. Keep up the good work, keep taking those thoughts captive and lets charge thru 21 like she ain't even there, Bro! I think I 've tried just about every approach imaginable, with filter, without filter. I've tried allowing myself just a little peek and every other design that lets a little porn hang around. What I've learned from my experiences, from 35+ years on the porn wars battlefield is, have a strong Defense, ZERO PORN. Build a wall, cut off all access and train your mind daily to think on good things, pure things, holy things. Like a lot I resisted having filters blockers for a long time, for many reasons, but I think the main was a trick my mind was playing on me. I think that little voice that urges us to take a little peek, was also telling me I didn't need the protection of a filter, that I could be stronger than that, that a real man should be able to withstand it. I couldn't, I fell over and over again. So I've finally reached a place where I was willing to lay down my bravado, to give up doing it my way and just follow what scripture says. So I plucked out my eye, cut off my hand, made a conscious effort to take ALL my thoughts captive and try to put on the "Whole Armor" of God everyday.
Being on here and interacting with other men with the same issue and reading success stories I've realized everyone is effected differently depending on how old they were when they started and how long they've been in it. I make the comparison to waking up in a house that is on fire. For some that were close to the front door, they seem to easily leave with little effort and move on. Some who were in the back of the house made their escape thru a side window or the back door. But me, I've been in the house a long time, I had the opportunity to leave out the front but instead retreated deeper into the house, cutting off my chance of leaving out the front door. The fire kept spreading, up the walls, across the ceiling, but I wouldn't or couldn't simply leave. Instead I retreated even deeper into the house, I climbed the stairs with the fire licking at my heels, but I kept going. The flames kept growing higher and hotter till I found myself on the roof, the house fully engulfed and me running out of options. I was still alive, hadn't been burned yet, but I was starting to cough, I could see the flames inching closer and the realization that if I didnt act VERY soon I was most likely was going to burn with the house. I could here family, friends and God calling to me to jump, to escape the fire, to take the leap to safety. Thru the darkening smoke I saw the hand of Jesus reach out to me and I took it and we dashed to the edge and leaped...
That leap for me was me putting some skin in the game. The only pain I've ever endured thru all my years of porn was the pain of disappointment and shame I felt. I know you'll understand this part, once I fall and really give in to porn, because I don't go halfway. I crash hard, that realization starts to set in almost immediately after I "O" during a PMO session. But instead of stopping at one I usually would binge for about 4 days to a couple of weeks. Once the binge was complete and i was feeling sufficiently dark, I'd rededicate myself and begin to abstain again. Then I'd go 18-21 days and by that time I was feeling better, the guilt and shame had abated and I was feeling good. This is when I was vulnerable, I no longer felt the danger or guilt or shame and when that first tiny thought would present itself, it didn't seem all that dangerous, just a little tickle in the mind. You know I'm sure where it goes from here, cycle repeats... I realized I needed something extra, something tangible that I could look to once my feelings of shame and guilt had waned. So I looked around and found my most prized possession and put it up as a kind of wager against myself to give me the extra motivation to push through. If I fall even once, my wife has my permission to destroy this item as I watch. The business I have planned for next year depends on this item, which is a book of designs and data I've spent 30+ years collecting, it is irreplaceable. This is my dive from the roof.
I'm not telling you to do the same, merely sharing my thoughts, my experiences and my strategy. I want this to be my last time thru, no more redo's, no more starting over. I had in my earlier time on this site kinda looked up to several of the other veterans, but over time I would begin to see cracks in their wisdom and methods, but I find "William's" to line up with scripture. William has been PMO free for more than 500 days, he's doing something right...
