B
BlueSun
Guest
Your honesty helps me find my honesty.
Thank you.
Thank you.
My "Hard 90" Journal
- Thread starter TK-421
- Start date
C
Chip
Guest
That's powerful Man, Wow! Let's keep it going, you've figured out the important stuff and are making huge strides. I know your gonna make it. I have to say, staring at 30 Days Free & Sober, that I myself actually feel better.TK-421 said:
Chip
TK-421
Active Member
Day 31
Over a third of the way to 90 days. By far the longest I've gone without PMO or MO. For me it has been important for it all to go - no porn, no jerking off, no allowing a fantasy or urges to grow into something out of control.
One thing I was thinking of lately - I haven't told my wife anything about this current effort to remove porn from my life. Over the years it has caused lots of heartache, grief and fights in our relationship. She was initially surprised and hurt to find out I masturbated. I couldn't believe that someone could be so ignorant and naive. She caught me a few times in the middle of a late night jerk session. She found pics on the computer or evidence of my activities more times than I care to remember. A couple of times she found out that I had been trading pics of her with other guys and was very hurt. Our oldest daughter found net pics I had saved on the computer and later pics of my wife and I, which took us to counselling and months of heartache. When she was 12 she found a pic that I had "tributed".
It's all very embarrassing and heartbreaking for me to think about this now. Through it all there have been many fights and disagreements, but we've always seemed to work it out. Recently I think I've gotten better at hiding things and I think my wife has just decided that she hates that part of me, and doesn't want to know about it so is willfully blind. I've also done a good job of convincing her that my porn use was normal and she should get used to it. She also doesn't know the full extent of everything. I guess I've been thinking about this because I do want her to know that I've quit, but I want to have more time in. Things are actually good between us now. I surprisingly didn't come to RN because of being found out yet again, but because I was tired of it. I guess part of me is afraid because I don't want put all of this in front of her, and then mess up. I'm sure she will be supportive when I do tell her.
Over a third of the way to 90 days. By far the longest I've gone without PMO or MO. For me it has been important for it all to go - no porn, no jerking off, no allowing a fantasy or urges to grow into something out of control.
One thing I was thinking of lately - I haven't told my wife anything about this current effort to remove porn from my life. Over the years it has caused lots of heartache, grief and fights in our relationship. She was initially surprised and hurt to find out I masturbated. I couldn't believe that someone could be so ignorant and naive. She caught me a few times in the middle of a late night jerk session. She found pics on the computer or evidence of my activities more times than I care to remember. A couple of times she found out that I had been trading pics of her with other guys and was very hurt. Our oldest daughter found net pics I had saved on the computer and later pics of my wife and I, which took us to counselling and months of heartache. When she was 12 she found a pic that I had "tributed".
It's all very embarrassing and heartbreaking for me to think about this now. Through it all there have been many fights and disagreements, but we've always seemed to work it out. Recently I think I've gotten better at hiding things and I think my wife has just decided that she hates that part of me, and doesn't want to know about it so is willfully blind. I've also done a good job of convincing her that my porn use was normal and she should get used to it. She also doesn't know the full extent of everything. I guess I've been thinking about this because I do want her to know that I've quit, but I want to have more time in. Things are actually good between us now. I surprisingly didn't come to RN because of being found out yet again, but because I was tired of it. I guess part of me is afraid because I don't want put all of this in front of her, and then mess up. I'm sure she will be supportive when I do tell her.
Jailbird
Member
First of all, a big up to you for getting this far, its a huge leap forward. Nice going.
As for telling/not telling Wifey, maybe show her in other ways - you will be more attentive to her, have more time for her and family, you will grow new pair of balls...i told mine but ii instead of talking her through it I present myself and love her more.
It sounds like you have had more than your share.of suffering. Time to celebrate how far you have come and how much better this is going to feel in 60, 100 days.
As for telling/not telling Wifey, maybe show her in other ways - you will be more attentive to her, have more time for her and family, you will grow new pair of balls...i told mine but ii instead of talking her through it I present myself and love her more.
It sounds like you have had more than your share.of suffering. Time to celebrate how far you have come and how much better this is going to feel in 60, 100 days.
C
Chip
Guest
I know what you mean. I think it like there's a vacuum left in the absence of PMO and our brains looking for a way to fill it or to stimulate us into giving it dopamine. I think this is part of the payment we have to make for all the abuse we fostered on ourselves. I think this falls into the category of, "Burning Mental Calories" as our friend, Boo would call it. No Pain, No Gain so keep talking those thoughts captive and finding good things to replace them. I can't remember if your a Christian, but you might try spending some time thanking and praising God, alone. Just let it all out to Him, even if your mad at Him, it helps...TK-421 said:
RN Twin,
Chip
TK-421
Active Member
Thanks Chip, I appreciate the support. I need to be aware of the types of depressive or negative moods I can get into (like yesterday). I'm not sure what the cause is or if they are linked at all to external events - I know I can sometimes start to feel negative about even the most minor things (that afterwards seem like whining and are embarrassing). I even thought about deleting my last post after I made it, and then thought, no, better leave it so I have a record of the ups and downs.
Speaking of letting things out, I mentioned on my first post that I quit drinking 20 years ago. I went to AA meetings for a while, but never completed all the steps. I've recently started going back to meetings with the plan to finish the steps. Specifically I want to do a Step 5 in the context of all of the porn and sex issues. For those not familiar with the 12 step programs, Step 5 is "Admitted to ourselves, to God and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs". Confessional I guess you'd call it. I was actually taking steps to schedule doing this with a councillor yesterday, so maybe that's what got me feeling down.
Keep on keeping on to the 90 days...
Speaking of letting things out, I mentioned on my first post that I quit drinking 20 years ago. I went to AA meetings for a while, but never completed all the steps. I've recently started going back to meetings with the plan to finish the steps. Specifically I want to do a Step 5 in the context of all of the porn and sex issues. For those not familiar with the 12 step programs, Step 5 is "Admitted to ourselves, to God and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs". Confessional I guess you'd call it. I was actually taking steps to schedule doing this with a councillor yesterday, so maybe that's what got me feeling down.
Keep on keeping on to the 90 days...
TK-421
Active Member
Jailbird said:
Hey JB, somehow missed responding to this. Thanks for your input. I agree that I can show the changes in me by being more open and caring. I'm ok not laying all my cards on the table right off the bat - I've really come to believe that actions speak louder than words. It's far better for her to see the changes and we can talk about some of the more hurtful aspects in time. I want to avoid rambling on about all the things I'm going to change and how I'm going to be an exemplary husband and father, only to fuck it all up (which I have been known to do).
C
Chip
Guest
I like that, it sound like something that would benefit you greatly. It really helps when we can get the problem outside ourselves, it diminishes its strength exposing it to the light.TK-421 said:
Introspect
Member
TK-421 said:
I understand this is just an offhand remark, but sounds actually very wise to me. It's fairly easy to get pumped up and talk the talk, but much much more difficult to actually go and do it. Every day. For a long time.
Looks like you have made big strides. It is good to see someone starting to succeed in overcoming this. Hope your depressive mood passes soon.
C
Chip
Guest
Havent heard from you in a few days, everything cool?
B
Boo
Guest
TK,
In looking at your and Chip's counters I'm just realizing that you guys are currently at the same point in this reset.....twin brothers from different mothers
. ...
I hope you were able to fulfill your Step 5 goal as you had planned.
As for the "ups and downs", there always going to be there. My late, beloved mother used to tell me "Boo, (actually my family nickname), you worry too much about little stuff". She was right. She could always make lemonade out of lemons.
I think you're doing great as I see it. I'll see you on the other side of this thing.
In looking at your and Chip's counters I'm just realizing that you guys are currently at the same point in this reset.....twin brothers from different mothers
. ...I hope you were able to fulfill your Step 5 goal as you had planned.
As for the "ups and downs", there always going to be there. My late, beloved mother used to tell me "Boo, (actually my family nickname), you worry too much about little stuff". She was right. She could always make lemonade out of lemons.
I think you're doing great as I see it. I'll see you on the other side of this thing.
TK-421
Active Member
Day 40
40 days! This feels like a real achievement to get this far. To get get this far and also be feeling good about it I might add. Thanks to all of the people who have commented in my journal, your feedback has been invaluable and it really helps to know there are other guys going though the exact same struggles.
I actually had a dream last night that I had decided to go back. I was disgusted and disappointed in myself to think that I had got to 40 days and then had to reset. Imagine the relief to wake up and discover that the path to freedom continues.
One thing that has been helpful to me is coming to the realization that I don't need to act on every sexual thought that goes through my head. I can acknowledge the thought and, if I feel an urge, acknowledge it as well. I don't have to act on them. I don't have to pull my cock out as soon as I have any sexual urge. I don't need to get off 5 times a day. I enjoy stepping away from a hypersexualized existence. I want to be more than a man than spends much of his time thinking about sex and getting off. I want to live in accordance with my values and principles and not be a slave to porn and sex.
The freedom walk continues. There is a group of us here that are on it together. You know if you are part of that group or if you are just watching as we walk over to the other side. Those who are sincere about joining us on the freedom walk are welcome to join us. There's lots of tools here if you are inclined to look for them, if you are inclined to figure out and accept how porn affects your brain. We can all do it if we are willing.
40 days! This feels like a real achievement to get this far. To get get this far and also be feeling good about it I might add. Thanks to all of the people who have commented in my journal, your feedback has been invaluable and it really helps to know there are other guys going though the exact same struggles.
I actually had a dream last night that I had decided to go back. I was disgusted and disappointed in myself to think that I had got to 40 days and then had to reset. Imagine the relief to wake up and discover that the path to freedom continues.
One thing that has been helpful to me is coming to the realization that I don't need to act on every sexual thought that goes through my head. I can acknowledge the thought and, if I feel an urge, acknowledge it as well. I don't have to act on them. I don't have to pull my cock out as soon as I have any sexual urge. I don't need to get off 5 times a day. I enjoy stepping away from a hypersexualized existence. I want to be more than a man than spends much of his time thinking about sex and getting off. I want to live in accordance with my values and principles and not be a slave to porn and sex.
The freedom walk continues. There is a group of us here that are on it together. You know if you are part of that group or if you are just watching as we walk over to the other side. Those who are sincere about joining us on the freedom walk are welcome to join us. There's lots of tools here if you are inclined to look for them, if you are inclined to figure out and accept how porn affects your brain. We can all do it if we are willing.
C
Chip
Guest
Kudos to my RN Twin on reaching 40 days PMO free. I can resonate with every point you make. Lets keep it going, we'll be turning 90 soon and I have plans. LOL The thing I draw the most from on here I think is the honesty, no shiny perfect facades, the real deal.TK-421 said:
TK, congrats on 40. You're doing this for the right reason...to become the man you want to be. You have resolve, that's what it takes. Keep recognizing the urge at the earliest point and moving on past it, it gets easier every day, and you're one day closer to being that new man.
Stay strong.
Stay strong.
B
Boo
Guest
Hey TK,
I'm seeing a solid trajectory toward fulfilling your goal here. When you get further along complacency can creep in. Be watchful and know your mind.
You are 100% correct about acknowledging urges and coming to understand, really understand, that you do not have to act on them. THIS is key. It's a realization of your own power and that you are not your addiction. You are something greater. This is both humbling and enlightening. We simply are learning to live at a higher level than where our baser instincts would keep us imprisoned.
I'm seeing a solid trajectory toward fulfilling your goal here. When you get further along complacency can creep in. Be watchful and know your mind.
You are 100% correct about acknowledging urges and coming to understand, really understand, that you do not have to act on them. THIS is key. It's a realization of your own power and that you are not your addiction. You are something greater. This is both humbling and enlightening. We simply are learning to live at a higher level than where our baser instincts would keep us imprisoned.