oncelostnowfound
Member
I want to start with hello to everyone. Everyone! From a young age my shame and embarrassment has kept me from getting help with what has been a problem for most of my post puberty life. That shame is leaving me, as I'm finally on the road to recovery, and I want to share my story with anyone it may help and draw strength from a group that knows what I've gone through.
At age 10, a friend and I found his dad's thrown out porn magazine stash. Seeing golden showers on leather kitted women should have affected me even more than it did, but after growing up in 80's Vegas, I guess I'd seen the selling of sex in some form many times before. That experience stuck with me, but for the next three years I pursued girls... like crazy. Lots of little girlfriends. Hand holding, making out and breast fondling.
At 13, I had to live with my dad. Out of my comfort zone, away from friends... I really wish he didn't demand I masturbate in the shower. It never occurred to me before that to touch myself anywhere. Finding dad's stash of XXX VHS tapes, I started borrowing one while he was out. That and late night cable, unbeknownst to me at the time, started creating pathways in my brain that would interfere with every sexual relationship I've ever had. A couple years later, I had internet and millions of quick fixes at my fingertips. Though it wasn't high speed yet, I made due.
At 18, I had my first willing partner. Try as I might to please her. After a while my lil buddy gave out and I couldn't finish. The anxiety of performance issues + the availability of "taking care of myself" to porn or fantasy made relationships seem like too much work once they got started.
Between then and now, like so many other posters, I made excuses. Alcohol, stress, diet, fatigue... anything I could think of. I'd take breaks from porn, but first bump in the road and I was back to my computer. Once, I took a break while traveling for two weeks and was able to ejaculate without lending a hand, but 999 out of 1000 I have had to pitch in to attempt to finish. It was always so difficult to cross the threshold, but finishing in a partner's mouth has always beaten orgasms alone when I could. The lure of fantasy has nothing over a real connection with another person. So....
Now at 34, 16 YEARS!!! 16 years of sporadic awkward sex, I found a girl that I really clicked with. My issues and her issues caused a lot of turmoil in our relationship. BUT her remaining my friend and our conversations helped me to do the reflection that I have needed for years.
I'm on day 6 of my reboot and I'm committed to a healthier sex life and a happier me. I'm done with pornography and probably masturbation too. I want to be available to my real partner and I don't intend to allow anything synthetic to make that difficult. I don't know when my next orgasm will be, but I'm okay with that. The temporary pause on climaxing will be hard, but I feel the light at the end of the tunnel.... And I think, for me, kissing and some touching is okay because that activity predates my addiction. Truthfully, I made out last night, with a huge erection, knowing that it wouldn't get to stretch. I was happy though to get to show her that I am attracted to her and my PIED says absolutely nothing about how I feel about her. Admittedly, solving this problem once and for all is really for me though and my sanity. Better late than never!
If you are a teen and made it to the 30's section, I can't recommend enough that you quit porn all together. It's not the devil, but if you lose yourself to that before you have real partners, you WILL make yourself miserable. I don't wish this on anyone.
If you are another adult I still recommend you quit porn, but your path may be a little more complicated and I will support you in anyway I can.
If you have any advice, I'd really like to hear it. I've just started down the road to recovery, but I'm already feeling better.
At age 10, a friend and I found his dad's thrown out porn magazine stash. Seeing golden showers on leather kitted women should have affected me even more than it did, but after growing up in 80's Vegas, I guess I'd seen the selling of sex in some form many times before. That experience stuck with me, but for the next three years I pursued girls... like crazy. Lots of little girlfriends. Hand holding, making out and breast fondling.
At 13, I had to live with my dad. Out of my comfort zone, away from friends... I really wish he didn't demand I masturbate in the shower. It never occurred to me before that to touch myself anywhere. Finding dad's stash of XXX VHS tapes, I started borrowing one while he was out. That and late night cable, unbeknownst to me at the time, started creating pathways in my brain that would interfere with every sexual relationship I've ever had. A couple years later, I had internet and millions of quick fixes at my fingertips. Though it wasn't high speed yet, I made due.
At 18, I had my first willing partner. Try as I might to please her. After a while my lil buddy gave out and I couldn't finish. The anxiety of performance issues + the availability of "taking care of myself" to porn or fantasy made relationships seem like too much work once they got started.
Between then and now, like so many other posters, I made excuses. Alcohol, stress, diet, fatigue... anything I could think of. I'd take breaks from porn, but first bump in the road and I was back to my computer. Once, I took a break while traveling for two weeks and was able to ejaculate without lending a hand, but 999 out of 1000 I have had to pitch in to attempt to finish. It was always so difficult to cross the threshold, but finishing in a partner's mouth has always beaten orgasms alone when I could. The lure of fantasy has nothing over a real connection with another person. So....
Now at 34, 16 YEARS!!! 16 years of sporadic awkward sex, I found a girl that I really clicked with. My issues and her issues caused a lot of turmoil in our relationship. BUT her remaining my friend and our conversations helped me to do the reflection that I have needed for years.
I'm on day 6 of my reboot and I'm committed to a healthier sex life and a happier me. I'm done with pornography and probably masturbation too. I want to be available to my real partner and I don't intend to allow anything synthetic to make that difficult. I don't know when my next orgasm will be, but I'm okay with that. The temporary pause on climaxing will be hard, but I feel the light at the end of the tunnel.... And I think, for me, kissing and some touching is okay because that activity predates my addiction. Truthfully, I made out last night, with a huge erection, knowing that it wouldn't get to stretch. I was happy though to get to show her that I am attracted to her and my PIED says absolutely nothing about how I feel about her. Admittedly, solving this problem once and for all is really for me though and my sanity. Better late than never!
If you are a teen and made it to the 30's section, I can't recommend enough that you quit porn all together. It's not the devil, but if you lose yourself to that before you have real partners, you WILL make yourself miserable. I don't wish this on anyone.
If you are another adult I still recommend you quit porn, but your path may be a little more complicated and I will support you in anyway I can.
If you have any advice, I'd really like to hear it. I've just started down the road to recovery, but I'm already feeling better.
