Confidence and humility go hand in hand but not dick in hand.

[RecoveryJunkie]

I think things will be ok. She went out for a bit (AA meeting)and I stayed at her place to watch the game, she came back about an hour later and things felt a bit weird at first but worked out in the end. I get the feeling we both want to work through it. I can understand her insecurities. I have a tendancyMy to bring that out in my partners, God knows I have my own too. All in all I think it was a positive thing she told me what was bother her. I think because she waited so long to tell me the insecurities grew and turned negative. Kind of feels like I'm dating for the first time. I think I also have a bit of guilt because my eye still catches women all the time like today was a bit of a struggle. Maybe it's because I want an easy out instead of dealing with the uncomfortable stuff.

 

[RecoveryJunkie]

Tough day, my brain is trying to trick me into saying fuck it by all kinds of crazyness! Today was a battle but got through it with a better attitude at the end. Failure is not an option. I don't want that shot in my life no matter how crazy or shitty life can be some days!

 

[malando]

Tough day, my brain is trying to trick me into saying fuck it by all kinds of crazyness! Today was a battle but got through it with a better attitude at the end. Failure is not an option. I don't want that shot in my life no matter how crazy or shitty life can be some days!

Stay strong, RJ. I had a lapse a few days ago and it's left me feeling terrible - all sorts of inner turmoil. It's not worth it! You don't need it, brother!

M.

 

[RecoveryJunkie]

Thanks M, today has been totally different, my gf is working this weekend so I woke up this morning, cleaned around the house a bit, had coffee with a buddy then went for a mountain bike ride and swim with another buddy. We ended up at the beach and although there were nice bodies there the lusting remained in check. Thank God not every day is hell!

 

[RecoveryJunkie]

Weekend was ok got a few things done around the house and got out for a ride on Saturday. Since my gf told me She thought I was Ming in my sleep I feel that I've started flatlining. It's not a good feeling, feels like I've taken a step back in my recovery. Good thing she is patient because I feel very frustrated. Tomorrow is a new day and new week. Hopefully things will go well. Night all.

 

[aslowturning]

Hang in there RJ!

You inspire me!

 

[RecoveryJunkie]

It's been awhile since I've posted on my own journal... A lot has happened in the last week or so. Life seems to sometimes throw everything at you all at once.
So since my gf told me I was Masterbating in my sleep, she started pulling away. A few things happened to induce this from her. I shared a bit too much about my recovery with her and she started to resent me and feel insecure. Also, I started acting like an insecure idiot when she started pulling away making things worse.
Also, my mom was just diagnosed with cancer. She has a large tumour on her brain and throughout her body. She still looks good but she is not handling it well and neither is my dad. I feel raw and emotional and just want to feel good. I haven't watched porn or MOed but I'm feeling very horney and feel like I could get erect if I started touching for too long. I've started to a few times and stopped myself.
This really sucks. I feel really lonely and miss my gf but she has cooled right off for me. I feel like she still likes me but I acted so crazy when she started pulling away I think I scared her off. I miss how close we were just 2 weeks ago so much. I don't know what to do. I alternat my feel weak and then strong at times but it's a real roller coaster.
I'm seeing my therapist on Thursday and this I know will help but I feel like I've lost someone I care about and scared that I am about to lose my mother who I love.

If any of you guys are praying people, I could really use some prayers, and so could my mom and dad.

 

[fyg]

Dear RJ,

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. I'll pray for your parents, I'm not religious, but will do it in my own way... sending out lots of loving thoughts to them. And will send plenty your way too, bro.

Consider my thoughts with you RJ. Sorry to hear about how things are currently with your lady. Not the best time at all, hopefully this will improve in no time.  Hang in there my good brother. You're a good man.

Love, fyg

 

[RecoveryJunkie]

Thanks for the prayers Fyg. I've finally decided to put an end to the little putty party I've been having and start really enjoying my life again. Some days are better than other but I feel like I've definitely turned a corner here. No matter what life gives us, no matter how bad, fear will always make things worse. "Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in Gods world by mistake. I can find no serenity until I accept life on life's terms." I'm really trying to get to this point because I know the futility of worry.

 

[RecoveryJunkie]

I'm Happy to report that I feel that I've come through the fear unscathed and stronger. It's been a few days now since things are looking up on that front and I intend to continue doing what I am doing. Since feeling on the verge of cracking up. I have recommitted to my faith in God and worked on certain things which have helped me tremendously.

1) I wrote out a prayer that I say in the morning and at night before bed.
2) I listen to a simple affirmation YouTube video called Confidence
3) I have decided to make myself available to people who come into my life needing help in whatever ways I can be helpful
4) I have been hitting the rugged terrain on my mountain bike every other day
5) I have been journaling  and talking things out with trusted friends
6) I have turned over the issues I am having which I cannot control to God, like my mom and my gf.

The result is I feel free and confident that I can get through anything. Fear is an ugly thing but we can walk through it without PMO.

A couple of quotes which have helped me immensely in these last few weeks...

"The best way around fear is through it."

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"

Apologies to any atheists or non Christians, I only post this because it helped me. Not to offend anyone. I encourage anyone to post anything that has helped them get through a tough time regardless of what others might think, including me. This is  my recovery journal. I am in no way saying you must believe as I do. Just saying this is what I have done to survive a dark place I was in for several weeks.

Good luck to all!

 

[Boo]

RJ,

There's absolutely nothing wrong with expressing your faith here. This is your recovery and your journal. Faith is important to those of us who have it. They're are many rival conceptions of God but at the end of it, faith can sooth the soul and help us to be centered in a very off center world. I'm happy to read that you are doing well. We're about on the same number of days in this reboot. Be blessed.

 

[fyg]

Thumbs Up!

 

[RecoveryJunkie]

Thanks so much guys!

 

[Gabriel1960]

RJ you and your family are in my prayers. 
May God grant us all health, mental and physical!

 

[RecoveryJunkie]

Thank you sir!

I haven't poated much because my life has been in a bit of caos recently. Things have went from bad to worse in my intimate relationship. It has ended, she is no longer speaking to me. I have not relapsed but the derailment of my relationship was largely self induced.

I'm not proud to say this but when she started to pull away I lost my nerve and became a wounded puppy almost doormat style. Trying to do everything for her to make her want to be closer with devastating consequences. I resorted to the dreaded Mr nice guy and she repelled very strongly to that until the breaking point where I attempted to take my power back and told her she was acting like a b@&#.

I have a long road to travel in my recovery. I see that nofap is just scratching the surface. I am prepared to make amends and move on. Had I known how hurtful it was for her to travel this road with me I would never have asked her out. There was not enough foundation to sustain the relationship.

You see a relationship is based on giving and receiving and starting a reboot at the same time as a relationship where sexually I can only give and not receive is really complicated and lead to a host of unhealthy relationship stuff and when it fell off the rails it was ugly.

Having said that, and gone through that, I have not relapsed, my relationship with my higher power is getting stronger and my confidence is slowly returning.

I have come to realize that a lot of my "nice guy" buddies are porn addicts as well (I can easily think of 5). I have discovered, and this is a wonderful self discovery, that I need to make fundamental changes in my character with regards to being nice as opposed to being a good person. In my last relationship I was not a nice guy. I tended to be more of an ass. This kept me in my disease.

I am seeing my therapist on Thursday and will make a plan to address this manipulative behaviour. It isn't working for me and pushes people away. I know at the core I am a good man and these are just behaviours born of deep insecurities. I spent a couple of weeks in pretty heavy self pity mode but that is over and I am determined to overcome this triumphantly!

I will leave it with a quote that comes to mind "To thyne own self be true."  Please send some positive vibes my way and I will do the same for you my brothers.

 

[malando]

Hi RJ,
(yes, I'm back from my trip to China)

It seems like this is a week of upheaval. I myself and a few of my buddies here seem to be going through some turmoil of one kind or another. I'm sending you some positive vibes from my end - hope you can catch them. I admire the way you are going though something so difficult as a break up, but you are showing great strength of character and presence of mind, and you are seeing the bigger picture of your life - not just the immediate crisis. Stick with it, my friend.

Best wishes,
M.

 

[Gabriel1960]

Hey RJ

I have 19 years sob.  When I had about 4 years sob, I encountered a Men's AA group where the core membership all had 20+ years sob and all those guys (in their 40s) were making 150K+ and living in near million dollar homes.  It was not inherited money.  I stuck around to get to know these guys more (to learn their secret to success), and discovered a strange coincidence.....each of them, unknown to the other, had married (U.S.) Public School Special Education Teachers. 

Hmmmm.  I got to thinking....maybe it would be a great idea for guys like us to seek out Special Education Teachers to date and wed.

So I started seeking out Special Ed teachers.  Then I learned something verrrrry interesting.  Each of the Special Ed teachers that I encountered who were married, each of their spouses were self-made verrrrrry successful.  (One guy founded an insurance agency, another was a successful construction contractor,  another owned a successful (jail) bonding agency)  That was an eye opener. 

So here's the pitch:  wait for it........men like us need ultra-patient, super-duper supportive, uber-creative, spouses.  I made the decision 15 years ago to locate, date, and wed a (U.S.) public school special education teacher.  It worked.  I am now married to one, and it was the best decision I made in sobriety.

That's my two cents.

BTW, I preface this with "U.S." public school, because in Europe, the term "public school" means something very different than in the U.S.  In Europe, public schools are what 'muricans would consider parochial schools.

 

[RecoveryJunkie]

Thanks guys! Molando, I'm really glad you are back, get back on that horse my friend, I'm in your corner! Gabriel, that's a really interesting antic-dote. I'm not sure about a special Ed teacher but I have started hanging out with a childhood friend who I never dated but she has in the past referee to herself as a "nice girl". We have always been close and I think if I started opening up to her there may be something there to pursue as a good foundation for a relationship. Although I still am not ready to jump in the sack with her it is something that may develop over time. I really appreciate your comments guys. Thank you so much.

 

[Gabriel1960]

Yo.

 

[Delerium]

Hey RJ,

When I read your posts I see so much of myself in there.  I can relate to a lot of what you said.  I know I can be a nice guy but it's not always altruistic, it's manipulative to get what I want. 

Sorry to hear that your relationship broke up. I know how raw and painful it is when someone who has been there for you is no longer there.  I've been feeling that way too. 

Hope the reconnection with the childhood friend continues to be helpful to you.


Take care and all the best on your journey.