Journey to My Self (I swear the god I will make it !!)

[Hablablos]

Hi Theself,

I know you have already seen my 3 question, but it's how I start most conversations:

Why do want to recover from addiction? I know it sounds a silly question, but reason for that is simple. Because your mind will play many tricks on you, you need to know exactly why are you doing this. And the best thing you can do is to write these reasons somewhere to have them as a reminder.

Who do you want to become as a person? If is too general for you, then who you don't want to become?

What hobbies or activities do you or need to do in order to become that person?

On the topic of finding purpose you can look at my post http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=9675.0 . In chapter 6 you'll find questions which could help you find a reason. For that you can also look at www.markmanson.net . There are many great articles as well, which I found really helpful and I believe they will help you as well.

Another thing is that you might be going through one of many withdrawal symptoms. I know from experience, that mine caused me extreme feelings of loneliness and emptiness.

 

[achilles heel]

I'm also searching for the source of this self-destructive behavior, it's such a frustrating feeling, but don't get angry at yourself or you will more likely relapse! Tread yourself with love and understanding, although it's hard sometimes. You are not your addiction.

 

[Theself]

Hi everyone !

I'm okay right now, not relapse and got a good thought : it was all about my perception, how i looked at things ; ultimately, i realized it was my choice to either see my life as a pain in the ass, full of fucking self-imposed trouble, or too see it as a kind of adventure, as an exciting journey (really you can be excited about ANYTHING as long as you want to, its all in the mind). i chose to get excited about my life, not bored about it.

its all about taking control of my state and getting excited about my daily life.

relapse is out of the game, fapping is out of the mother fucking game. just the thought of the grip of my hand on my dick bahhhhh no no no, i came too far to only came this far ;

peace every one peace!

 

[Theself]

Urgeee urgee urgeee I can feel all that energy, unable to focus, to be calm or whatever, this energy needs a release its really really tard to focus right now.  I won t relapse ofc

 

[J_24]

Theself, great to see your progress man!! hang in there. expel your excess energy with workouts or sports or something but do not give in. Ive had a few relapses myself but i think im gonna be fine and see this through.

 

[Theself]

still here, still here ;

one realization : urges are temporary, it really passes ; its not really something to fight, its more about not focusing on it and letting it go. easier said than done, but really, the lenght of the "temporary'" only depends on how long you focus on your urge. just switch the focus and just keep doing what i had to do and bim, 10 mn later its was like the urge never came,  i was like  "wtf, it disappeared !"

its like with a irritating thought, the more you focus on it, the stronger it becomes; but when you just don't give a shit about it and just go on with your day, it just disappears like morning mist and your find yourself smiling and thinking about how much drama you made in the past

really it all pass, everything, but for us, urge really pass ! we just got to not pay attention to them ; its not about fighting the urge, no, because doing that you keep your focus on it. its just about accepting it, as we got to accept that we have good and bad feelings, thoughts and events in our life, and keep acting and doing the way you are supposed to. no need to do such a drama (i talk to myself here ahah)

so yes, everything pass and when you get that by yourself, first you are happy but you are also mad angry thinking to your past mistake (but guess what past is the past)

needyness=> nofap makes me needy toward girl ahah, especially a girl i like, really really intense ahah like im craving a hug with her, craving to touch her, craving to kiss her, but the time is not now and she might have a bf i don't knowl. but yes a lot of drama (and i am aware of it ahah)

the answer is focusing on improving myself. expectation and drama are just wast of focus and energy

tomorrow i'm going to run (i'm improving a lot and lift some weight) and i got to pay back for all the shit that i do because of my terrible binge eating habit of the previous days and wdeek (thks fully i'm over with this, i won't give in to urges)

focusing on being the best that i can be (fuck i know i can do so much better rahhh)

peace evryone stay sstrong, don't relapse

 

[Theself]

Woke up, 4 : 44 AM ; too much energy, sweating all over. Too much energy but at the same time I can feel nervous fatigue. Anyway I'm here...

Some thoughts about the importance of having the mind go with you :

I currently adopted the nice habit, after having learned that the 20 mn before you go to sleep and after you woke up are the most precious times if you want to impact positively your mind ; in those times, your subconscious brain is the most receptive, so its the time to nourish it with some great stuff.

So every night and morning, before falling asleep and after awekening, I listen to some powerful stuff. One of them is an extract from a video called "You Matter - Eric Thomas", especially the part with that quotation, that has a huge impact on me :

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

And you, what do you do to work on your mind ? do you let it be "worked" and shaped by externAL circumstances, people and your overall train of your thoughts (which must 98 % negative, like most people) ?

Listening to some deep music, Interstellar soundtrack. Timorrow morning, in a few hours, before breakfast, I will go running (so excited about this, I love it - of course before, cold shower, i don't play with that ritual)

peace everyone

 

[Theself]

Must get my shit together before everything else.

For real guys, being a man is about being responsible and mature. Self-control is the first step toward this for me. Addiction are real yes, but on the other hand, a real man, with real character has to be stronger than that.

Thats sentence from the bible seems to be designed for me (the guys no in touch with reality, still in childhood sometimes, still immature by its behaviour, about money and so on, the guys still virgin, who has not yet share a bed and love with a real woman)

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.​

Time to become a man, a real man (and I want to, I want to be strong, to have responsabilities, to be self assured and reliant, to be manly not just because of nofapincreased testosterone, but manly by my character and my life). Just become more mature and independant, you see ? I do

I'm going to sleep right now, really tired.

The girl I'm kind of flirting with, hmm, i hope she doesn't have a bf ; i have mixed feelings about this, but we will see. in any case, no more drama about anything, if she is not open that doesn't matter, I'm focused on my evolution and on the develpement of my self.

see yall

 

[Theself]

Some loneliness right now, right here. I feel it, i can feel it. It not even that justified, its just because one appoitment had been cancelled and now its 5 PM and nothing to do. nothing exciting to do for me with that creepy mindset, right now. but i'm okay with that.

i also see how i turn to food to just filling me, to feel full and just to make the time pass. food as a love substitude for real love (friendship or love).

loneliness, i just got to face it, feelings are like passing weather i know it. and this loneliness is just some mood swing i have, its not real stuff

so here i am, writing this (having a journal its great) and just watching this feeling pass

peace everyone

 

[Theself]

feeling has kind of passed. will put some music and go running

btw, also, now as i said before, its all about becoming a man, becoming emotionnaly mature ; i can't be so impoulsive that i jump to dopamine driven behaviour as soon as i feel bad. i got to handle this as a real man.

and life, life, life is asking from me : school in 10 days, responsabilities, all the money i wasted on that junk food only to feel sick i got to handle the consequences now, and just social life, friends, people that count on you, this forum I would just HATE posting a relapse, never, never, people that know your struggle, know that you are liking a girl and want to be with her, my parents who are counting on me and are tired of my difficulties, my sister and also everybody of my age who is moving forward, getting girl friends having fun, and also me, me, who want a better life for myself cause i deserve so much more and am capable of so much more

so (talking to me), lets do this be strong be strong, yo owe you some bro, do it for you, enough trouble and suffering, enough self-sabotage, go to run NOW

peace everyone, i'm going to run!!

 

[Theself]

WHOOOO, MAJOR CHANGE IN MINDSET, MAJORRR !!! im so pumped uppp right now !!

I understand something major really guys, about the pyschology of motivation (kind of important for us isn't it lol )

I was always motivating people by saying "do it for you ! do it for your life etc.." and so on. It was all about the self, and it was the same kind of motivation I used, with desastrous results, for me. Indeed IT DOES NOT WORK. I realized it by my own eyes, when I thought about how I messed up everything in the last 6 months because I was all about me, myself and I. See guys, when you got some addiction problems, your self worth, self esteem and sense of self is very low and weak. Its really not something you can rely on. YOU, YOURSELF is not a strong enough factor to resist urges, swing mood, and addictive behaviours.

But when you think about somebody else, whooo, when you got your why (I heard this concept of 'why' soo many times before, without  grasping it), it changes everything.

What I mean : of course you do NoFap for you, its your decision. But, here pay and attention guys : when you are low, when trials and tribulations, urges and emotional turmoil come, think about this : as human beings we are really self-conscious about what people think about us, we don't want to deceive people, we crave praise, and we really really want people to see us at our best. we all want to be at our top, to be good, to look good, to be on the right track, to be respected. We want to succeed for us but also because we wa Its feel so good to just for us but we also want it because we care a lot about what people think about us and when i say people its friends, family, co worker and so on.

so when you are tempted and ready to give up, when you are tempted and about to compromised, when you are lazy and are thinking about not going to the gym, just think about this : don't you want to look good, be at your top, be at your best when you see your friends ? your parents ? don't you want your mom and dad to be proud of you, talking proudly of you ("my son he is doing it big, he travel , he is healthy , he got a beautiful girlfriend, he has great grades, really we are proud of him") rather than ("oh my son, hmm, i guess he is doing okay" ? don't you want your grand daddy and granny to be proud of their grandson, don't you want to be in great shape and doing great in your life when you see your old friends, when you see people doing it big on facebook ?

don't you want to be great and succeed in this shit just to be a winner on this forum, to inspire others by your story ?

its not just about doing it for somebody else, no, cause i don't do nofap for my friends nor my family no, but its about the pain of not being at my best when i see people thats it, the pain of knowing i can do so much more but i did not in the past, the pain of saying stuff and not doing it, the pain of people having an average opinion on you because you act average (even if you are amazing inside)

that kind of motivation pushed me to run 2 laps of the parc, something i almost never do. =>10km. then do some push up and a cold shower.

 

[Theself]

DAY 24 (h?h?)

doing great ; woke up, running 5k before breakfast, push up, cold shower, i'm ready. currently i'm in holidays and i have not a lot of things to do, school is in 10 days, but i do not get bored no, i make things happen and most importantly, I do not let myself down.

This motivation, this 'why', thinking about how i hate when I'm not at my best with others push me to work out, push me to eat clean, push me to push me. Really it is a big thing. Doing it when you are only thinking about yourself is fucking hard, but when you think of your family (how do you want to look when you go home see your parents, your old friends, when school is starting in september ?) Really the frustration of being considered as average by other people, to be considered as average by my parents, watching people doing their life, and me being in my own shit just drive me crazy; putting it on the paper is my greatest motivation.

Also knowing that I matter, who I am as an individual matter, and its the same for everyone : In some way, everyone matters, as the posts I'm writing on this journal, some people are inspired by this I'm sure (seeing people succeeding - and I will, no doubt - is always inspiring)
By our success, by our optimism, motivation and determination, by our life, we inspire other. So, yes, I won't let myself down anymore. I got my 'why' and I will go deeper into that concept every single day

also, I eat clean since tuesday. No binge, no surgary food. I'm clean and I feel good. It will only get better.

A girlfriend might be on the way also

To finish, I would say that, when I write my final succes story report, i will credit Eric Thomas to be the major positive influence in my life and my reboot. Nothing less. Every single day now I listen to his video 'I Made My Mark'. I want to leave my mark to, nofap is  just a tiny chapter on my life and I'm planning to finish it fast. Relapsing, learning from your mistakes and going all over again and so on...fuck I have other shit to do now I realize.

Porn is not an option anymore of course  ; binge eating too.

As I become more disciplined and use my self-control, new outlook will arise in my mind, I know it.

Guys, if you(re reading this, just know that chances are that You, Yourself, is not a strong enough factor to succeed in this shit ; think about the consequences of you giving in in porn or other addictive behaviours, the consequences on you but also on the opinion others have of you (we all want people to have a high opinion about us, not an average one)

Peace stay strong, and if you can, watch this video 'I Made My Mark'  from Eric Thomas. powerful stuff

To finish, one thing : when you feel lazy, lethargic and you don't want to do shit, this it the day to do ALL THE THINGS YOU GOT TO DO.
and once you finish, do some more. You will create some powerful belief this day, I can assure that. When you are in your worse day, this are the day to just kill the fucking day.

see yall guys

 

[Theself]

I got this massive feeling of insatisfaction restlessness but also very very tired
Its really wieird,

 

[Theself]

okay guys, understood, those headaches and bad feelings were just some withdrawal from sugar addiction (previous binge eating habits). My body is purifying itself.

BTW, sugar addiction was a great experience because now I want to eat clean, and I know what it means. I want my meals to be tasty but I want healthy taste, like with some herbal spicies for instance. a lot of fruits, a lot of water and vegetables. a lot of proteins too. and a lot of herbal teas. also supplement in magnesium, zinc and omega 3. I'm ready to go now
really as in all addictive matter, when you want to grow out of addiction you got to deepen your knowledge in that area, learn about it, alnd also you got to improve your overall lifestyle. Glad to now being able to know what a clean diet is and to be living it.

almost kiss the girl tonight, will see her tomorrow; was very excited, i loved this. excited whoo i want to be excited, and i want to feel the sex drive ahah

peace everyone - follow this journal, its will only get better i assure you

 

[Theself]

Whoooo, so pumped up right now, so pumped up.

My new ritual/morning routine : wake up, cold shower, run 5 k in the park, go home, some push up, cold and warm shower then healthy breakfast and whooo I'm ready to go guys ! It's so good, it feel GREAT. You wake up, you feel like shit, 1hour later you are energyzed, pumped up and on your grind. Also for the mind, knowing that you do that kind of hustler/warrior routine is very great, it makes you PROUD !!

Also, as soon as I wake up I got my motivational tape running trough my ears. Great great.

About nofap matters : i'm feeling great, no urges ; kind of needy with girls - i really want some contact, really. Some monrning wood, but it doesnt last

benefits => magnetism for sur ; respect from your male peers ; attractive toward girls. feel good. I'm the alpha and i feel like it, even If I somewhat insecure about sex matters (still virgin you know). BUts its okay, its part of the game and the process.

Also I'm a motherfucking procrastinator, i got to fix that.

peace everyone, stay strong !!

ADVICE : RUNNING IS FUCKING GREAT. RUNNING BEFORE BREAKFAST IS AMAZING=> YOU FEEL LIGHT, AND YOU BURN FAT, AND BREAKFAST TASTES SO FUCKING GOOD AFTER

 

[McQueen]

I can really relate to everything you said and I 100% think you will beat this also. You have a very extreme good attitude to win this battle. Please check out my recent post - it is very much like your background.  I would also add perhaps you do not have to post everyday on here. Be realistic and think about the rest of your life, it is up to you though. For me I occasionally post and have decided to quit the forums and only come back to write out a success story or major positive update.

 

[achilles heel]

Happy to read you're still doing well. You're an inspiration in terms of attitude and dedication!

 

[Theself]

Hi guys !

u right drug free but don't worry i'm working on my real life, but since i do not watch Tv, nor series, nor video games or that kind of distraction anymore, I have a lot of free time, and writing this is really fast actually

doing well, still going, thriving actually

sports is great ; i got to organised some stuff in my life tough to make up for all the past shit

peace evryone

workout workout workout=>when you llok good you feel good when you feel good you do good !!

will tcheck your post when i have times


stay strong my friends, urges are temporary and pass, i experienced last night.

 

[redjem]

I was always motivating people by saying "do it for you ! do it for your life etc.." and so on. It was all about the self, and it was the same kind of motivation I used, with desastrous results, for me. Indeed IT DOES NOT WORK. I realized it by my own eyes, when I thought about how I messed up everything in the last 6 months because I was all about me, myself and I. See guys, when you got some addiction problems, your self worth, self esteem and sense of self is very low and weak. Its really not something you can rely on. YOU, YOURSELF is not a strong enough factor to resist urges, swing mood, and addictive behaviours.

But when you think about somebody else, whooo, when you got your why (I heard this concept of 'why' soo many times before, without  grasping it), it changes everything.

Well said

 

[Theself]

Hi everyone, i'm so pumped right now

first of, I would say guys that Nofap is real, its real. when your brain no longer has its previous dopamine fix, it begins to scream for it guys
urges are a part of this, and mood swing is some serious shit. You come back at home, its night, the day has been grey, you feel unsatisfied, and you got some kind of melancoly ; but no, their is no junk food to sooth you up, porn is not an option and you know it. video games, mindless tv watching, mindless computer surfing are not options too. No you are by yourself and you got to face that stuff. Daddy can't save you now ; mama can't save you now. It's you and you and you got to dominate that. You won't die don't worry. Just face it and do your stuff despite how low you feel.

NoFap is the realest thing in the whole world. When you do it well, the right way aka without replacing nofap by another addiction, or doing nofap but still being weak about other addictive behaviours...pff its hard bros, its fucking hard. Happiness doesn't come  right away for sure. At least at first. But if you have been well prepared and focused all your energy on building healthy habits, hobbies and activities, whooo guys, whooo, healthy happiness will be yours : you will find your true pleasure in HEALTHY stuff.

For me right now its (all this stuff is coming since I decided not only to stop fapping but also to stop my binge eating habit which I had developed as a compensatory behaviours for the fap)

-social activies, new friends. I LOVE it !
-workout, workout, workout. My body is great, I'm just proud in front of the mirror.
-running every morning before breakfast listening to some badass electro and US rap. I'm looking forward to it
-music is HUGE for me; just listening to it, i don't play, but I love it.
-masterminding about life and stuff with my best friends
-increased interest about successful people and successful sport personalities
-relation with family never been so deep and amazing
-appreciating my own greatness and intelligence, and just LOVING the process of being healthier and better EVERY SINGLE DAY
-being PROUD of me, because I whether I feel like it or not, I just DO what it got to do.
-HEALTHY DIET, huge for me when you know how hard I was addicted to food and sugar before
-my apparence is improving like crazy, skin (face and body, no more scars or shit, I'm just healing from every where), hair, muscle, alpha male traits
-interaction with girl is great, and natural. BUT sex drive is not as high as I would like. The girl i'm flirting with seems not to start a relationship, but thats no prob, i like her, she is a real good friend and she might change her mind (i got this massive feeling of "I'm the real shit' with girl wich is REAL POWERFUL
-just loving the person i'm becoming, incraesingly confident, increasingly self assured, bold and determined

Also, also, what I'm TRULY thinking right now (might appear rude or whatever, but I speak my truth)

Nofap and additction were just a little chapter in my life. I don't plan to spend another day being weak and wasting my time fixing my weakness. I won't relapse in any way, its just no possible, i won't I just know it. I'm realizing I have real stuff to do with my life, ambition is coming, a sense of purpose and destiny too, I ain't got time to waste anymore. I want to make my parents proud and don't want to be  a son with problems or 'difficulties'. I want  my parents to be excited and proud when they talk about me to their friends.

I don't want to tell my kids and my son that his daddy has been weak and struggled with addictions for years during its twenties instead of fully enjoying his precious youth. No. I don't want to tell them that their daddy knew he was addict in some way to some stuff but was too weak to man up and give up his shitty behaviours. No.
What I want to tell them and what I will tell them is that their daddy has been weak, then open his eyes and decided to be strong. And he never cameback to this weak and dark place because he doesn't belong there and because he realized that not only life is so much more beautiful on the other side, but also because he had so much stuff to do with real life.

BTW guys, thks a lot, each and everyone of your reply to my journal is a fucking motivation ; first of, i'm a really proud person and I want to win in pretty  much everything i'm interested in. nofap is a part of this. for nothing in the world i will relapse, for many many reason, but the pain of reseting my counter... just never guys ! And aslo knowing that I can motivate people is great really. I'm motivated yes but sometimes I'm not so fake it; I just force myself to be pumped up. But guess what ? it works ! in the bed, don't want to do anything, mood swing, relapsing thoughts ? WHOO music, motivational video, push ups, cold shower and bim I'm awake.

i'm thrinving more and more and i don't see anything that could stop me from discovering my true greatness (for real guys, ADDICTION IS JUST THE ONE REAL OBSTACLE TO OUR TRUE GREANESS and our REAL LIFE

peace everyone ; stay strong stay motivated stay pumped up, I will in any case.