How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

I'm in Jersey for the next two weeks to finalize the estate sale. I'm all sorts of jet lagged, but otherwise feel really lucid. It's nice. I'm contemplating telling my brother about my addiction today but nervous about it too. I think I'm hitting a flat line, which I'm okay with. I'm away from my gf, so it doesn't matter anyway. Nothing ground breaking today, just feeling very good and clear, and relaxed.

Oh I forgot that last night, my brothers friend showed me pics ofa bikini girl on Facebook and I felt.... Nothing. I was proud of myself. No trigger, and actually maybei felt sad for her. She was really trying hard, lots of surgery.  It's a shame.

I also forgot that I've been reading likea madman. Two and a half books in three days. Yesterday I was on the verge of crying all day though because two of the stories were really sad. I may be feeling my emotions more.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

I'm feeling pretty good about my reboot progress so far. Not feeling many urges and I might be deep in a flatline right now. There isn't much to report because I'm just working on the house and not feeling much below the belt.

I am getting nervous because my gf is a few days late on her period when she is usually early. We had an accident in Vegas, so we're both aware of it, and now anxiously awaiting some blood. Hopefully, it comes soon.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Today I'm fighting some real urges to PMO. So far, I've been okay and I've managed to keep working on the house through the urges. My brain has been trying to tell me that it will be fine and that I can M without porn. Or I can just use the Playboys I found in the closet the other day. They are of course, at the bottom of the garbage, but my brain is having crazy ideas about going through the trash to pull them out. Insanity.

I'll keep fighting though because I want to make it to my 90 days without PMO. I'll be home next week and I can play with my gf all weekend. I've been saving myself for that

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

This morning I was really close to finishing during my shower. I think maybe I had some anxiety about today and all of the things we have yet to do. But I was able to stop and turned up the cold water. I really can't wait to see my girlfriend when I get back home. I know our sex is going to be awesome!

Anyway, I do feel good that the streak continues, but I need to stop playing with myself even just a little bit. I don't want to slip up before hitting 30 days. I'm really trying to make it to 90 without masturbating to O, so I need to make sure I stop masturbating all together.

Other than that, no real triggers and I'm just working through shit at the house.

 

[ThisTime]

• The thoughts that make it okay to view P include the rationalization that it will clear my head so I can get back to work and regain my focus
• The reaction sequence includes fogginess, total loss of concentration and inclination to distraction. I feel the frustration in my groin physically. I may eat, get fidgety, surf the web, talk with coworkers or view porn - it's a total loss of concentration and all my vices kick in at the same time. If I smoked, I would probably do that. Emotionally, I get agitated and frustrated.

Good luck! This part I can really relate to. I know sitting here now that the idea that if I give it it will "Clear my head" is bullshit, but I've fallen for it before. I hope being more aware of it will allow me to stop it from working next time out.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Things in general have been going well at Dad's house. We're almost done!

I've been very good about not fully acting on any urges this whole time, except that when I wake up, I am really horny. I still seem to have urges first thing.

Today I edged a lot in the shower, pretty close to finishing, but I stopped myself, switched to cold water and rode it out. I feel better now and I'm going to have a great day.

The problem is that I'm now getting to a point when I get the urge, I will get superpowers and it feels so good to touch myself. I've been fighting the urge now for a week, but every time I shower, I stop and edge for a little while. I'd like to stop doing that, because while I'm edging, I start thinking of porn stars or fantasize about being with my gf.

I want to stop having those thoughts, because I know it's the same as using porn.

I also realized that I haven't been paying attention to my triggers. I've been exhausted and I'm not doing my meditation. It hasn't been bad though, and I feel oddly more like myself than I have in a while. It's just that lack of mindfulness isn't helping.

I guess it's all the ups and downs of a reboot cycling through on an hourly basis.

I presume the trigger is exhaustion mixed with actual horniness. The inability to stop myself from edging in the morning.

I should also mention that my gf has hurt me on two occasions this week. The first was when I asked if she is disgusted by me, like that one woman on the forum who seems to completely hate her husband. My gf said no, absolutely not, although she doesn't like the way I "giggle" when I have an orgasm and that it was childish. I wasn't quite expecting that response, so I was upset. What does she mean she doesn't like how I orgasm?  Well she said I always giggle and it reminds her of a little boy who just got away with something. To be honest, I know I do that - I've always felt like it's more like a smile and an exhalation, with maybe a giggle or chuckle thrown in there. But it's because sex feels good and I just had an orgasm. I'm giddy! So anyway, I don't even know what to do with this information and it's making me constantly think about what is going to happen next time. Great, I've never had PA, but I guess it's time to add that to the list for good measure, right?

The other thing was last night - She was saying good night and I said some cutesy stuff the way we always do and she says "you make it sound cutesy" and I said, oh, you don't like cutesy (this is news to me) and she says, not when we are talking about sex. I want to feel like a grown woman. So I said that I just don't want to be crass and that I'm not sure what she wants me to say. After a pregnant pause she just said it was late and that she was going to bed. I didn't even respond to that.

Why is all this stuff coming up now? It just makes me feel like she was hiding the resentment for me and that now it's coming out. I guess we'll talk about it, and it will just end up being some other fucking thing I need to add to my list of things about me that she wants me to change. That's how I feel about this shit right now.

Don't be concerned, I'm doing the reboot for me, but pretty much all of the other changes in my life I am doing for her and she just keeps on piling them on. I'm starting to think she doesn't really like me for who I am.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

I had a good talk with my gf yesterday and today about some things that have been bothering her and me. She really laid into me last night about being a man and being her super hero. She doesn't want a kid, but a grown man to be there for her and make her feel like a grown woman. I know where she is coming from, but I felt a little attacked, so I told her so today.

I told her that I don't like how she automatically questions anything I say as if I haven't thought about the situation or considered different options. Sometimes there is a lot of back story that I don't explain to her, but it all helped me get to my decision. She agreed that she is too controlling and that she needs to let people do things their own way. I told her that it was very emasculating to be told that I'm wrong or questioned over and over on a regular basis. I told her that I feel like she doesn't believe me, or trust me and that it really upsets me. It makes me feel like she thinks I'm dumb and it makes me feel like she is treating me like a kid.

So, when she does that, how am I supposed to feel like a man, when I have someone treating me like my mom? She heard me out and agreed that she will be working on it, with my help. That's great, because I needed a way to tell her without attacking her every time she did it. Now we have a plan.

Next up, I'm on 27 days today. Man it feels great to have come this far. I don't have many urges for P, but I really want sex. My gf does too, so we should have a great time when I am home, granted I can figure out how to turn her on like a man. Pshh... it will be fine. I think she'll be impressed with my super powers.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Well, the move out of my Dad's is done for me. My brother and sister still have a few things to wrap up, but other than that, we are all good. I feel relieved and a little lost - what do I do now?

Anyway, my reboot has been going really well. However, the last week or so, I really haven't kicked my edging. I'm hoping that being with my gf will give me some relief in that area. Worse is that I've fallen into fantasizing and even sneaked a peek at my favorite porn star's Twitter account. I didn't know that stuff really existed on Twitter and I was curious/ gave into the situation because my brain told me it was okay.

I was able to stop edging fairly quickly - much more quickly than in my past - but I feel a bit disappointed in myself for starting. I did feel a renewed strength when I stopped, so that is good, and my ability to be lucid in these situations has been great. I've stopped every time and didn't O. My accountability partner has been great too and he gave me a breathing exercise to get through the tough spot. He really saved my streak.

This morning however, while I was edging in the shower, a little white stream appeared, no O, but I dripped a little, which is what I have been really trying to avoid doing. I stopped and got out of there, relatively unscathed. So, I'm pushing the boundaries and I recognize that. I can make it through the next day and a half, no problem, so I am going to have to just go for it.

What is great is that the streak doesn't have the same daunting weight that it used to. I don't feel the need to watch P anymore. I really only crave a release, which is coming and for which I can be patient. I take this as a sign that I am healing.

It's funny because I am reading more and more lately and it's really because my computer was only really a porn machine. Now that I don't do that, it's really just sitting here doing nothing. I think that's pretty cool. I can start to see my computer as a place where I do my work, rather than the place where I get off.

So overall, I feel really good. I am not going to reset my counter for what happened this morning. I know my reboot is going great. I really look forward to spending time with my gf and being intimate. I think we are going to try something like carezza this weekend to help us bond. I think it will be beautiful.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

In honor of the 30th day of my reboot, I am taking this a step further to see if I can stop edging. My first goal will be 7 days. This one is going to be tough, so wish me luck!

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

I remember when 30 days was a daunting number, but here I am.  About to set my goal for 45 days. Fuck. Yes.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Actually, I want to make myself a trophy wall, so here it is.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

So my first morning of no M almost didn't work out. I felt the same desires that I normally do. Even more so because my gf is coming to town today. I was really turned on and I was about to play with myself when I remembered the counter. Whew! So that was day one (because this really only happens in the mornings) and I was able to get up and start my day.  The urge is gone now and I'm about to get to my meditation and then on with my day. I'm feeling great about my new goals!

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Okay, so I just spent a long weekend with my gf and things were great. We had sex every day and we had a great time. She kept commenting on how big my penis had gotten since the start of the reboot. It's something that I noticed as well. So anyway, we had a lot of sex and in general, a much better time together than we have had in the past.

As of today, I actually feel spent. I have little sexual desire, and thankfully I'm not feeling any chaser effect, which was one of my great porn downfalls. I am not going to see her for another two weeks now, so I may be coming up on day 45 or so when I finally do see her.

I can feel the benefits of avoiding PMO in the times we are not together - I feel much more alive and energized to do things. Well anyway, lots to do today, so that's it for now.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

I just hit my 7 days no M or Edging goal! That wasn't too hard, although I have to admit that the daily sex with the gf over the weekend probably made it easier

I'm not going to poo-poo it though and I'm going to up my goal to 15 days.

Yesterday I was very foggy all day and I don't know if it is reboot related or not. I got through the day clean though. Today I've been working like a madman and I applied to 6 jobs this morning. Fingers crossed!

I don't really feel a great desire for M or edging, but it's there for sure. I feel like I drank two cups of coffee, even though I haven't. Maybe I'm just energized to get going with my day.

I also accidentally restarted my Patience headspace pack. I thought it was new, but it seemed so familiar. I double checked and yeah, I've already done it. No biggie, I need a refresher anyway.

That's it for today. I'll be out for lunch and then coming back in the evening to work on my capstone project. Woot!

 

[fapfreezone]

Okay, so I just spent a long weekend with my gf and things were great. We had sex every day and we had a great time. She kept commenting on how big my penis had gotten since the start of the reboot. It's something that I noticed as well. So anyway, we had a lot of sex and in general, a much better time together than we have had in the past.

This is awesome and a great advert for quitting PMO!

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Haha thanks man. I was reading somewhere that some men experience an increase in fulness down there and I was starting to notice it. When my gf started noticing, it kinda confirmed it for me. Now after that weekend of fun, things are looking back to normal, but I suspect they will get bigger again before I see her next time.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

So yesterday was pretty good. No real urges although I ended up on the web for a bit checking out some articles that featured some super models. I didn't really feel aroused and just read the article and moved on. I know that's dangerous, so I want to limit doing that.

Last night I was having some funky dreams where I was MO'ing, but I didn't have a wet dream. When I woke up, my MW was back (missing for about a week) and I felt fine.

Still no real urge to relapse - not like when I was really fighting it - so I feel pretty great. I'm planning to get back to the gym next week. I've missed most of the month. I can't believe how easily you can miss so long. But that's no big deal.

Dad's house will sell on Monday and I will finally be free like I was in my 20's. Time to start getting my life back.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Yesterday was pretty easy throughout and I didn't have many urges. This morning however, I really felt them and gave in to playing with myself a little. I stopped, but I really wanted to to continue. My MW wasn't that strong, which I thought was interesting. Now that I am up and about, the urge is just in the background, like a static hiss from a radio in another room. I can fairly easily tune it out.

I'm on the fence about resetting my counter for M or edging though, since I stopped pretty quickly. Really all I want is a wet dream at this point to give me some release, but I may be too old for them now. I am not sure.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Ah well I finally let my curiosity get the best of me and I MO'd. Twice in a row - about 10 minutes apart. I didn't use P or P-subs or fantasy, so that's good, but I do have a counter for M and edging which I will now reset. I'm a little disappointed because you know what? It just wasn't that good. I know for sure that I prefer to do that sort of thing with my gf and I plan to keep it that way.