Things in general have been going well at Dad's house. We're almost done!
I've been very good about not fully acting on any urges this whole time, except that when I wake up, I am really horny. I still seem to have urges first thing.
Today I edged a lot in the shower, pretty close to finishing, but I stopped myself, switched to cold water and rode it out. I feel better now and I'm going to have a great day.
The problem is that I'm now getting to a point when I get the urge, I will get superpowers and it feels so good to touch myself. I've been fighting the urge now for a week, but every time I shower, I stop and edge for a little while. I'd like to stop doing that, because while I'm edging, I start thinking of porn stars or fantasize about being with my gf.
I want to stop having those thoughts, because I know it's the same as using porn.
I also realized that I haven't been paying attention to my triggers. I've been exhausted and I'm not doing my meditation. It hasn't been bad though, and I feel oddly more like myself than I have in a while. It's just that lack of mindfulness isn't helping.
I guess it's all the ups and downs of a reboot cycling through on an hourly basis.
I presume the trigger is exhaustion mixed with actual horniness. The inability to stop myself from edging in the morning.
I should also mention that my gf has hurt me on two occasions this week. The first was when I asked if she is disgusted by me, like that one woman on the forum who seems to completely hate her husband. My gf said no, absolutely not, although she doesn't like the way I "giggle" when I have an orgasm and that it was childish. I wasn't quite expecting that response, so I was upset. What does she mean she doesn't like how I orgasm? Well she said I always giggle and it reminds her of a little boy who just got away with something. To be honest, I know I do that - I've always felt like it's more like a smile and an exhalation, with maybe a giggle or chuckle thrown in there. But it's because sex feels good and I just had an orgasm. I'm giddy! So anyway, I don't even know what to do with this information and it's making me constantly think about what is going to happen next time. Great, I've never had PA, but I guess it's time to add that to the list for good measure, right?
The other thing was last night - She was saying good night and I said some cutesy stuff the way we always do and she says "you make it sound cutesy" and I said, oh, you don't like cutesy (this is news to me) and she says, not when we are talking about sex. I want to feel like a grown woman. So I said that I just don't want to be crass and that I'm not sure what she wants me to say. After a pregnant pause she just said it was late and that she was going to bed. I didn't even respond to that.
Why is all this stuff coming up now? It just makes me feel like she was hiding the resentment for me and that now it's coming out. I guess we'll talk about it, and it will just end up being some other fucking thing I need to add to my list of things about me that she wants me to change. That's how I feel about this shit right now.
Don't be concerned, I'm doing the reboot for me, but pretty much all of the other changes in my life I am doing for her and she just keeps on piling them on. I'm starting to think she doesn't really like me for who I am.