How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Well the last two days have been pretty fine, although I have had a lot of desires to MO. This morning I even edged a little bit during that half awake/ half asleep period before I got up. That's always my falling point and it feels like I don't know how to stop myself because I'm not fully awake yet. Maybe an alarm across the room would get me out of bed. I naturally wake up at around 6:30 lately, so it's not like I need one.

I think it's all chaser effect and I should have known better than giving in to the urge on Saturday. I'm going to power through the urges as best I can and remember that I need to make it to the weekend when I'll see my gf. Five days is nothing compared to the 40 days of no PMO I've already done.

In a way, my MO the other day does feel like I've slid back. I realize now that even though I did it with some rules in place (no fantasy, etc) I wasn't really ready to try it again. I feel some shame and disappointment that I couldn't just wait another few days until this weekend. I know my girlfriend was disappointed too, and I realized that even just MO at this time makes her upset.

I liked my life better without MO, so that's why I want to keep going.

Today I'll be getting back to the gym for the first time in a while. I hate how that happens - skip a session and before you know it, you haven't gone in a month. It's probably actually been more than that. Anyway, I need to get back on my goals. It's all a part of becoming a better man. No more little kid stuff.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

This non-edging thing is going to be tough, but I want to give myself credit for getting past it this morning. I edged a little, but I'm saying that I stopped and I got out of bed. It was an improvement over yesterday.

I've been reading the Terry Crews book and it's been interesting so far. I'll probably finish it today, but really I need to do some work on my capstone project.

Other than that, no real desires to PMO, so I feel pretty great in that area. Time to do my meditation and get on with my day.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Yesterday went pretty well and my new daily task of re-reading my PMO plan in the morning has been really helpful. I would like to refine it into my personal mantra and then start reading that in the morning. I guess it's similar to having daily affirmations. My plan helps me remember what I should be trying to accomplish for the day.

Here it is, even though I think I've posted it here before.

My goal is to remove porn and porn subs from my life forever. In the meantime, I will continue to only engage in sexual activities with my girlfriend. I will remove masturbation from my life after a relapse on 9/24/16.

To succeed in this I will:

- Keep a tracker of my days clean

- Participate in discussions on the Reboot Nation forum

- Keep my girlfriend in the loop regarding my progress

- Find an accountability partner

- Pursue the ideal me through specific steps and goals including:

    - Exercising every other day for a minimum of 30 minutes
    - Practicing mindful meditation daily for 15 minutes
    - Practicing reframing of trials as opportunities
    - Practice hope instead of dispair
    - Educate myself on the addiction illness
    - Work up to a full day of ?Golden Hours? of work
    - Get better sleep (follow sleep challenge)
    - Finish my certification and get a job
    - Incorporate playing drums and reading more into my daily activities
    - Do a special social activity at least once a week

In the morning, this little thing is giving me the little reminder of what I want my life to look like and how I should go about doing it. Yesterday I hit the gym for a while, which was nice and I got a lot of work done toward my certification. I also had to meet with my landlord, which I wasn't looking forward to, so I had to reframe that as an opportunity to be assertive. I still feel uncomfortable about that, but I'll get better at it.

This morning, I still struggled with wanting to MO, but I was able to fight the urge and hit the shower after my meditation. The MO urges have been really tough to deal with. I don't know if it's related to my relapse on that this week, but it's been tough. I need to remember that edging is worse than MO and if I really want to quit MO, then edging isn't an okay alternative.

I'll keep fighting that and will eventually beat it.

Well my time is up and I am heading off to my gf's for the weekend. That should be great and will help relieve some of this sexual tension I am feeling. I'll write if I have a chance this weekend, but I'm not counting on having a lot of time.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

So far this weekend has been very good. I am getting a lot of work done at my gf's while she is also working. One of the things that I've always noticed is that when we are together, I tend not to keep up with my routine. The routine isn't that tough, but I always slack when she's around. Then I feel bad about messing up streaks (like meditation streaks, or taking my meds). So this time, I was just vocal about it - Hey babe, I always seem to slack on my routine, so this weekend, I have stuff to do. I don't know why I have always felt that I needed to be with my gf the entire time we were together. Maybe some abandonment issue somewhere - who knows - but this morning, I just stuck to my routine. Now I'm done with it. I feel good, and I can get to work after we eat breakfast.

It's great when you realize you can be your own person without offending others. It's a nice freedom to have and I plan to try to keep this up. I think that in some small way, when I was compromising on the things I like to do and, I guess, NEED to do, I ended up getting resentful feelings by the end of the day. I already feel much more at ease this morning and prepared to get on with my day. It will go a long way to helping keep our relationship strong. Okay time to eat.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

The weekend had been really great and we are having a lot of fun. I have had no urges to PMO and we've had sex a few times this weekend. It's nice to get back to normal. I feel much better in general.

Today I have a ton of work to do, so I'll be really busy. I've just looked and my streaks are going really well. I forgot to increase my goals, so I'll go that now. But first, some images for my other journal.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Okay today I'm heading back home after a nice long weekend with the girl. We didn't have any problems, and I attribute that to quitting PMO and getting to know myself better. On Sunday we went to her spiritual center and it was pretty okay. She said she didn't like it as much as she did in the past because the crowd was noticeably older. I think I might try to find one to go to in my area because I liked it.

I look forward to getting back home and finishing up my capstone project this week. I also need to get to the gym for some activity. It will be a good reward for a busy and productive weekend.

I also look forward to hitting day 50 for no PMO soon and I should be getting to day 15 of no M or edging too. I need to be conscious of chaser effect over the next few days. The last time I MO'd, it was probably because of chaser, and I didn't like it. I just need to remind myself of that if it comes up. That's about it.

So far this time around, things have just been excellent and I've had such an easier time of quitting than ever before. I just need to stay positive and keep moving forward.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

I didn't end up gong home yesterday just because I didn't feel like it. I feel like I have nothing to do over there, so why go back? I had a really nice and productive day and basically finished a rough draft of my project, plus some revisions.

I'm going to start heading back home soon today because my gf has a lot of work to do today and I don't want to be a distraction.

That will be fine, although having her around really helps me with my urges. She's on her period now, so it's not like we are messing around, but just being around her really reduces my need to MO.

As far as PMO goes, it feels like a distant memory, which I really hope it is. Today I will be hitting day 50! That's quite a feat for someone who's previous best for the last two years was 21 days.

It still feels different this time and I feel absolutely fantastic.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Man, this addiction is a bitch. I woke up this morning with all sorts of urges and fantasies running through my head. I edged quite a bit and I even thought about going all the way. I had to get myself into the shower, but I had tunnel vision the whole way there. Even just thinking back 15 minutes ago feels like a dream. Once I was in the shower, my clarity came back, but not for long and I was edging again before I knew it. I managed to get through the shower without M'ing all the way to O and when the water turned off, it was like a valve closing on my urges. Whew! I made it through, however, I edged a lot and I want to keep myself accountable for that. So, I'll take the hit on my counter.

I was considering changing the counter to just strictly MO, but I know that edging is very damaging to the brain. I'll have to keep fighting that urge. For now, disaster averted.

Edit: well there isn't enough room for more than two counters, so I would like to keep track of edging instead of MO. MO is a pretty solid change for me, so I'd like to track my struggles with edging instead.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Yesterday ended up being real tough. It was later in the night and I was all sorts of ready to just finish the deed. I started edging again and it was a real struggle. Eventually I took an ice cold shower and just stood there freezing my ass off. I finally calmed down, did some breathing and made it out ok. But that wasn't before I actually looked at some pics too, and found a certain P-star's Twitter. I turned them off real quick, but I feel ashamed about this because my streak is really going well and I was damn near to ruining it.

The thing is, I was totally ready to forget the incident and just live today like nothing happened, but the second I started writing, I really started to feel bad about what I did. I think that's what I need to feel. If I swept this incident under the rug, I wouldn't be keeping myself accountable and I would be sending myself the message that it's okay.

I'm glad I got through it alright. That was a real accomplishment, but I need to try harder to avoid putting myself in that situation. I can't let it get that far again.

So with that tough evening behind me, I woke up with the same urges. This time I was able to get out of bed and I think I am going to be okay. I just have to keep on keeping on.

That leaves me today with a reset on my edging counter, but still no PMO, thank god.

I've also decided to try some red text for the really tough days. That way it's easier to find later if I want to read up about how I was feeling.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

This morning has been pretty good. I had some urges like normal, but I was able to get up and get on my routine. So far so good.

Last night I had some really bizarre dreams about an ex-gf. We weren't having sex but I kept trying to get her off, but it wasn't happening. The whole time I was also thinking of my current gf. Perhaps it has something to do with fact that my gf told me that she needed to fantasize in order to get off. We've been working on her recovery too, but she's only O'd once since she's told me. So maybe there is some hidden frustration with that, and the memory that I couldn't get my ex to have an O very often either.

I don't know, it was just bizarre and it was a long dream - seemed to go on forever. Anyway, since my peeking and edging episode the other day, I've been struggling with those thoughts just running rampant in my head. It's exactly how I was acting when I was home and the last time I peeked at the same P-star's twitter. I believe that eventually led me to giving in about a week later.

So this time, I need to make it all the way to Friday again. It's only 6 days away. Probably going to be a really tough 6 days too. I'll need to find something to keep me busy.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Man this edging thing is really getting to me. I wake up and it's automatic. This time I decided to get out of bed and get busy at around 6 A.M. I used the bathroom and my urges subsided. I was actually still tired so I went back to bed and I slept until 9! That's pretty late for me, but I realized that maybe my urge is the urge to pee in the morning. Gonna try to do that more often before I edge.

So, when I got up the second time, I still edged a little, but got out of bed again and started my routine.

I decided to try to recite some affirmations in the morning when I get up - maybe that will help with the edging. So, I've printed some out and I am going to start doing them in the morning, and perhaps before I go to bed. I've never done them before, so I am interested to see what changes. I'm also going to reset my edging counter and maybe change it so that I can see how often I am resetting it.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Today was much better and I have done a lot already. Having some affirmations printed out and next to my bed really seem to help. I said them 10 times before bed and 10 times when I woke up. Then I did my meditation and I've already hit the gym.

Urges are at a minimum today, which is good because I actually hurt myself with all the edging I did this week. Isn't that a sign of addiction? Continuing despite physically hurting yourself?! What a dumb addiction. Well, I'm trying to rest up and heal up since the girl will be in town this weekend.

Now to hit the grocery store for some lunch stuffs for the week.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Today I did a double meditation session - one with and one without guidance. It was really interesting. As a practicing musician, it's one thing to watch your teacher play something and a totally different thing to do it yourself. I feel that way about headspace. I've been going through guided meditations for months now and I have never tried doing it for myself. It was pretty nice, and I guess I will continue to try to do that.

As far as edging goes, I've been just terrible. I really struggled again this morning. I don't know what I need to do to just get up and out of bed. It may be because I wake up early naturally but maybe not fully rested, so I like to lounge around a bit. I need to figure this out because one day I know I am going to go too far.

I also need to limit my use of my cellphone. I like using Snapchat with my gf, but they actually promote just a ton of models profiles and even have constant news of other models. It's like trigger city. At first I was really strong and didn't care, but lately I've been sneaking more and more peeks. I wish there was a way to block or unsubscribe to those particular feeds.

Anyway, the daily affirmations have been going really well too and I like them. If only I could get out of bed and get to feeling good immediately without that little detour toward edging and self-loathing.

That's all I have for today. I feel really strong and renewed once I get going in the morning, it's just those first few minutes of my day. How do I beat the urges then? Tomorrow I will have to try another tactic.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Well I haven't written about it yet, but this morning in the wee hours, I slipped and PMO'd. I was drunk and for whatever reason, I thought I could edge and get away with it. I knew the habit would catch up with me eventually and I started looking for porn star twitter accounts to watch clips. It didn't take me too long to get off. I was playing with a loaded pistol and I lost.

So in the wake of that mistake, I slept off my hangover a bit and then signed up for a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting tonight at a local church. I need to hear more about what other people are going through and hear about how to get better.

I was doing so damn well and I think my trigger may have been some anxiety about playing drums live combined with the beer.

I also realize that it's important to pick myself up and keep going, so I tried to have a productive day happen. I hit the gym and played my drums for a bit too.

I told my girlfriend and she was sympathetic although she is the type of person to ask why until she gets an answer that satisfies her. She fears that I PMO'd because I was hanging out with some girls last night, but I don't think that's the case at all. They all know about my girlfriend and were asking me about her. I talked about her just about the whole time.

The problem is, I think I lost a bit of her trust in me this morning, so I am going to need to do better to show her I am a good person and that I wouldn't cheat on her.

Today would have been 57 days. I know it's no use looking back, but I know I am stronger and I know what I need to do to stay clean this time. I am hoping that the meetings will help keep me accountable and help me beat this thing. I was 30 days from freedom. It's not hard. I just need to do it.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

The SAA meeting was very informative and it really has me looking at porn as just one way of acting out as a sex addict. The more I read, the more it makes sense that I am probably a sex addict and not just a porn addict. I am remember behaviors that are just horrible and situations I had been in that would make it seem like I am. I especially learned that planning for sex is one way a sex addict behaves and I definitely do this. I wait for my girlfriend to come visit, I anticipate sex and I get excited for it. That's not the best thing to do. It may have even been the reason why I relapsed - I put too much thought and excitement into having sex this weekend. That makes sense because I would often act out right before she came over, and I couldn't figure out why I couldn't wait.

So I think the meetings will be helpful and I'll read the materials to learn more about it. I think I might make a post telling the wider community about my decision. For now, I have a lot to do today and I need to get busy.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Well things were pretty good this weekend and I don't really have a lot to report. I feel like I've beaten the addiction, although I guess I can't be too sure. I'll be at 7 days this week and I'll just keep going from there. I'll look forward to spending some time reading the SAA book today and tomorrow and I'll go to another meeting. As of now, I feel pretty satisfied and more concerned about working than about porn or sex. As a matter of fact, although I wanted to have sex with my gf all weekend, we didn't, and that was fine. It is good to abstain, even when we are together. There should be no pressure to have sex even though we are together. It took me all weekend to feel normal around her. I was still feeling a lot of guilt from my slip last week, but I feel like I am back in my head again now. It feels good.

 

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

I'm in a weird place where I feel like relapsing a lot. I feel like watching porn and just going for it. Last night, I edged to porn for a little and then after I stopped, MO'd to without it. I don't know if it counts, but I've been going with the SAA concept of it being a gray area.

Well that gray area concept has also allowed me to MO on Tuesday or Wednesday as well. That's too often for me, and I don't want to fall into bad habits again.

I am not beating myself up about my MO last night. I'm just going to continue trying to beat the addiction. I'm also beginning to think that the reboot isn't really for me. I'm not having trouble having sex, I'm having too much sex and masturbating too much.

I think that's sexual addiction. So, with that I'll probably stop keeping my tracker here. For me, I need to figure out my circles, per the SAA guides and figure out what I deem as acceptable and what's not. Masturbation in itself is not bad, but I need to break my porn habit.

Anyway, that's where I'm at today. I'll write again sometime, when I have more to update.