Gay Christian Teen Journal

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14McCaCl

Member
Hi. So let's jump right in to this mess. I was introduced to porn when I was in seventh grade I think? The real addiction started my sophomore year of high school. I am gay and I have had those thoughts since about 8th-9th grade. I spent years denying it and praying that God would take it away from me. About second semester of junior year I accepted it and the end of senior year and this summer has been the first time in at least 7 years that I have felt comfortable in my own skin so I consider that a victory.

I went to the same small, private, conservative christian school in TN my entire life. Being gay and christian and addicted to porn while at this school was the most emotionally and physically exhausting thing to go through in my life. About 5 of my friends knew I was gay along with my parents but only my parents knew about my porn problem.

I am moving to NYC this fall to go to college. I am both ecstatic and terrified. I am ecstatic because I can finally be openly gay and not worry about what people think. I can live in a place where I can get married which I desperately want to do. I am terrified because in my current state, I do not trust myself. I consider myself a gay Christian and I have always been taught and have always believed that sex is something that should be for marriage. Not only do I think it is moral, but the hopelessly romantic side of me likes the idea of saving something so meaningful for one person whom you love deeply. However, if I do not get control of myself and my addiction before I go up there, I am afraid that I will be having sex right and left and I really really really REALLY don't want that.

This summer, I am finally going to kick it. I have been hardcore addicted for 3 years and I am sick of it. Of course, I have said those exact words before with no success. However, after watching hours of videos from yourbrainonporn.com and learning that I have physically altered my brain, I became scared. To think that this thing that I thought had no negative physical ramifications was actually changing the connections of my body's command center scared me into action. As of this writing, I have not PMO'd in 4 days. I will continue to keep a log here for my own benefit but I really hope that someone else out there can find help in this as well.
 
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14McCaCl

Member
Today was ok. I have been finding myself alone at home a lot this summer. I tried to get a job but that was unsuccessful and so I stay at home a lot. My mom goes out and does errands and my dad works. I still have the urges to look at porn but I have had an awful lot of willpower lately to not do it. I find that encouraging.

I still feel tortured, for lack of a better word. I listen to a lot of jazz and a good bit of the songs are about love and the like. I find myself fantasizing about finding a good boyfriend. One who is just kinda like my best friend and we laugh a lot and hang out and maybe make out sometimes but we don't hang out with making out being the goal. I do that a lot--fantasize about a lover/boyfriend/husband. I think the fact that I have never been in any relationship is partly to blame for my overactive imagination and romantic daydreams. Sometimes I wish I could just turn it off, the daydreams. They are emotionally exhausting and really do nothing for me. In fact, they might even be giving me unrealistic expectations for any future relationships.

I am trying to keep myself busy while I reboot, even though I spend a lot of time at home. I am going to start going to a work out place so I can get in shape before I go to college and so that I can get myself moving and not sitting on my butt thinking about how I must stop looking at porn. And by thinking about not thinking about it, I think about it and I just trap myself in a vicious mental cycle.

I stay off of Tumblr. Tumblr porn is omnipresent and I decided that my desire to kick the habit outweighed my desire to look at funny .gifs of my favorite sitcom. That has been hard but good.

Sorry I have been rambling. It just feels really good to write. Even if no one responds back. It's like when you need to tell a secret and so you say it out loud to a passing crowd of strangers. They aren't listening but you said the words out loud and they were directed towards people and now you feel better and the secret remains as such.

Ok i'm rambling for real now. I'm done.
 
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Needs Coffee

Member
14Mc, You didn't ask for advice of suggestions, but I'll ramble some off for you. And you can take it or leave it.

They are emotionally exhausting and really do nothing for me. In fact, they might even be giving me unrealistic expectations for any future relationships.
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Indeed, particularly if you are interested in a LTR or marriage. Rather than dwell on what you want the intimate moments to be like, really think about what you want in him as a person. And before you can start making that checklist, that calls for self-examination. What do you really want personality-wise? For example, does he have to have the same religious beliefs as you? Or does he need to be respectful of your beliefs and you can be respectful of his? That will give you much to think about. And those are more important than whether he needs to be the inside or outside during spooning. Oh, and be prepared for that list to change as you start meeting people, talking, and having some early relationships.

Once you've started developing a better picture of the type of SO (significant other) you really want, then it's time to look at yourself again. "Am I the type of person that that type of person would be attracted to?" If you're setting a high standard for them, what standard are you prepared to meet? Being able to clean the apartment and cook food may not seem sexy. But when you can invite SO over to your place at any time because it's always in order... that can be really, really sexy. It can be sexy to go out for a nice dinner. It can be really, really sexy to whip up a fantastic breakfast the next morning. There are lots of things I can't do that I wish I could, but those are two things that I've always been glad that I can do.

And if you're going off to college, I'd suggest that you learn how to make something besides hot dogs and ramen noodles.

I listen to a lot of jazz and a good bit of the songs are about love and the like.
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Do you play an instrument? I was quite good at the piano, but they aren't mobile and playing the keyboard was never the same for me. If I could go back in time, and in fact have been thinking about taking it up, would be learning something like the ukulele. It's much smaller than the guitar, so easy to carry anywhere. Learning something like that is time better spent than on PMO or spending time trying to not think about not PMOing. LOL.
 
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14McCaCl

Member
Funny you should talk about a checklist because I actually have one on my phone. I don't really flaunt it because it would make me seem like a high maintenance psycho. I have certain things that are a must and certain things that are deal breakers. And yes I actually do play an instrument! Clarinet! That reminds me I need to oil it because it is wood and I don't want it to warp.....I should probably go do that....
 
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14McCaCl

Member
[There might be some triggers in here. But honestly it is not big stuff. Just thought I would say that.]

Today was ok, I guess.

I got the urge really really bad today to look at porn and it was the strongest that I have experienced in these last few days. I had to masturbate. Honestly it was either that or porn. I chose what I believed to be the lesser of two evils. Plus, after watching videos from yourbrainonporn.com, the main guy said that during your reboot if you absolutely must masturbate to focus on the sensation and to avoid fantasies in order to prevent those pathways from firing together. That's what I did. I don't consider this a relapse in my book.

My dreams are getting out of control. Before I started to reboot, I hadn't had a sexual dream in months. Now, I have had sexual dream 3 out of the 5 nights I have been clean. That is concerning. But I can't control my dreams. I know that some people can lucid dream and everything and I have tried to do that but I just don't have the discipline, really.

During this reboot, I have just been wishing for time to pass faster. I know I can do it but it is just the waiting for the days to go by that is killer.

I had my first workout today. I couldn't feel my body afterwards, though. But I know it is good for me to get physically active and stay away from the computer and boredom. I also had friends over almost right after and we hung out and made desserts and filmed it so I will have video to edit which I have been meaning to do. Editing is good for me. Even though it is on the computer, it makes me work and I love to edit. It lets me be creative.

So that was my day in a nutshell. It is stormy outside and I love it and it makes me sleepy. I love summer storms.
 
MeepMan

MeepMan

Active Member
14McCaCl said:
My dreams are getting out of control. Before I started to reboot, I hadn't had a sexual dream in months. Now, I have had sexual dream 3 out of the 5 nights I have been clean. That is concerning. But I can't control my dreams. I know that some people can lucid dream and everything and I have tried to do that but I just don't have the discipline, really.
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There is actually nothing wrong with sexual dreams unless they are about porn. It is natural for us to dream these things, it's actually a positive sign that your brain isn't being drowned in fake sexual stimulation and it's realised. I'd definitely continue working out, if really helps keep you focused. Plus it improves your health and body!

Keep up the good work! :)
 
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14McCaCl

Member
Today was really annoying.

I didn't relapse or anything, I am just really pissed. I feel like it has been a month since i last looked at porn but it hasn't even been a full week yet. This is really hard. Not complaining, just stating facts.

I am also pissed because my dreams are officially out of control. I dreamed about this boy last night. I was literally head over heals in love with him until I told him my feelings and he told me he was straight. In my defense, he was TOTALLY hitting on me back. Just ask anyone. Anyways, I dreamed that he kissed me last night and that bothers me for a few reasons. First, even when I was hardcore crushing on him I never had dreams about him. Secondly, he tenderly kissed me. He didn't make out with me. If he made out with me, I would have interpreted that as my desire for sex. But because he kissed me sweetly and gently, it shows that I want someone to love me and connect with me more than have sex with me.

And that's the other thing I am pissed about. I know people who are having sex and making out and doing all kinds of things and have been doing that since they were in middle school. I am turning 19 in a week and I haven't even been kissed. LIKE WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?!?! I mean I am rather handsome if i say so myself but I haven't had anyone show even the slightest interest in me. It is super annoying and saddening all at the same time. I just want a guy to hold me. Not have sex with me, not make out with me, just hold me. Love me. Show that he cares. I can't write anymore. I am getting too sad.
 
D

DeltaFosAware

Active Member
Stick with it! A guy like you WILL get kissed! You sound totally wonderful and I'm sure you'll soon fund a man for all the right reasons! It's amazing what falling in love will do for you! Stick with it,don't beat yourself up and chill! Blessings and prayers!
 
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14McCaCl

Member
Today was concerning.

So as I have said, I do not consider masturbation a part of relapse. However, I think I should stop doing it while I reboot. I didn't masturbate yesterday but I did today and I am honestly afraid that I have PIED. I can't get as hard as I can with porn and so today in order to get off I had to get...creative. I think that I need to stop while I am rebooting. It might not be necessary to restore the proper number of receptors in my brain but I will feel better emotionally I think.

I am less angry and sad about not having a boyfriend. I was talking to my mom today about how I have been feeling (she is a champ when it comes to talking about stuff like that) and she said that I shouldn't act entitled when it comes to having a boyfriend/being kissed. She said that things will happen when they happen and to rush things now would be bad and they should happen organically. I hate it when she is right.

My dream last night was also sexual. Not only was it sexual, but I dreamed I was masturbating to porn. Now that I think about it, that has been in my dreams for the past three nights. Still concerning.

I am also afraid that I am white knuckling. I have to basically slam the computer shut and run away whenever I get the urge and sometimes my remedy is to masturbate which isn't really the best solution. I really hope I am not white knuckling because that means that I will not permanently kick this thing and I really want to. I NEED to. I think if I stop masturbating and I am able to go a long time without doing so, that will show that I am not white knuckling. We will see.
 
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DeltaFosAware

Active Member
Your Mum sounds a great lady and full of good advice. I can see why you might want to stop choking the chicken for a while as well. No harm in that at all. As as for the PIED thing, I am pretty certain PMO left me with a degree of PIED. However, the physical dynamics of the system are still pretty intact (even at age!) so nothing to worry about there...The issue is mainly in the head. Take care and great to read your update.
 
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14McCaCl

Member
Today was ok.

I masturbated again and I am worried that I am not really making progress. I really feel like I am white knuckling at this point.

It is really hard for me to focus on typing because I am just really worried about my friend. He is the only other gay person at my high school that I know about and he is a very unstable person and he just texted me with some scary things. I can't really talk about anything right now. Please pray for my friend.
 
N

Needs Coffee

Member
I masturbated again and I am worried that I am not really making progress.
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If you are able to masturbate without using porn, I think that's some progress heading in the right direction.

As I look back on my teens through early twenties, I was masturbating almost daily, that was before I had any access to porn. With the young surge of hormones and so much curiosity about what real sex would be like, it seemed like sex was constantly on my mind unless I was doing something really physically active like hard work or sports. (In that ancient era, not only didn't we have easy access to porn, we didn't have video games.) So I wouldn't say that your dreams, thoughts, or urge to masturbate are out-of-line for your age. Don't think that dudes back in the "old days" before porn never got horny. We did. Being a horndog is part of being a teenage dude. We just didn't have the type of stimulation that comes with PMO.

As you're probably already well aware, keep yourself physically active and engaged in other productive things. Have you been working out regularly? Running? And how about helping your wonderful mom around the house or the yard ;) ?

I hope your friend is okay. Life really can get a lot better from the problems and frustrations of the moment. Don't just take my word for it...
http://www.itgetsbetter.org/
 
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DeltaFosAware

Active Member
Very good reply Needs Coffee. I guess if you go back to our evolutionary past there was far more to physically do with our lives than just sex. You had survival, the exertion of hunting, eating, finding shelter, finding the next meal and stuff like that...I doubt if youths then found so much time to pull the old prong!
 
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14McCaCl

Member
It's been a few days.

I have decided to only post every few days or so or whenever I relapse or need to vent.

I have been really good. I feel like I am regaining control of my life. It is wonderful. The small joys in everyday life are coming back and it is very encouraging. I am no longer tortured by romantic jazz, instead I just use it to entertain my inner hopeless romantic. I am not tormented by seeing other people in relationships. Instead, I am happy for them and look forward to when I can have a relationship. It is very nice.

My other gay friend, let's call him Link, has come over to my house for the past two days. We talked for about four hours each time. Straight through. We talked about a lot of stuff. He has a lot of issues that I just desperately wish I could fix but I know I can't. All I can do is to be there for him. I want him to have someone to talk to because I don't want him to go through this alone like I did. I just need to love him.

I have another gay friend in NY that I met on TrevorSpace, a social media site for LGBTQ youth, and we have been talking since March. He has been my lifeline. He and I have wonderful, deep conversations about the state of our community and love and the beauty of life. Let's call him Chad. There was a period in time when we first started talking that we thought we were each others' soul mates. After a week, we came down from the clouds and realized that we were being irrational and we were more in love with the thought of having boyfriend's more than we loved each other so we both agreed to just be friends. I just finished talking to him for like four hours. We shared a lot of secrets and issues and hard times we have been through. We cried a lot. Happy tears, mostly. I am so glad he is in my life. I encourage any LGBTQ youth who is feeling alone to check out TrevorSpace and talk to people. You will be glad you did.

I started typing this at like midnight and then I got sidetracked with Chad and talking. I need to go to bed now.
 
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DeltaFosAware

Active Member
Not only are you doing so well, you are communicating deeply with others! That is just fantastic! It's also good to read that you are getting the simple joys back in your life. They mean so much and cost us nothing.

Delighted to read you are enjoying life and human contact! Well done and you and your friends take care now!
 
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14McCaCl

Member
I relapsed.

I hate myself.

I had almost gone two weeks. That would have been the longest in at least two years. I couldn't do it.

I am so pissed off right now and so disappointed in myself I can't even handle it. I WAS GETTING MY LIFE BACK TOGETHER! I WAS GOING TO FIX IT! And now I am ruined again. All the research I did that scared me into stopping practically left my head when I was doing the deed. I view relapse as failure. I have failed. Now this is going to ruin my mood and my week and Friday is my birthday so that is fantastic. Happy Birthday! You relapsed! Congrats on being a failure at everything you do!!!!

I need to talk to Chad.
 
N

Needs Coffee

Member
There's no reason to hate yourself. You aren't ruined.

Disappointed, pissed, maybe some guilt, those are feelings that you can learn from. But don't shame yourself by saying you're a failure at everything. You know that's not true.

In reality, you'd gone almost 2 weeks PMO-free. That's a very, very good thing. Just because you had a relapse doesn't mean that everything is ruined.

For example, I've helped people that needed to change their diets for health reasons. The DASH diet for diabetes and high blood pressure isn't easy, and it's common for the dieters to have many "failures". Holidays or restaurants, and a loss of control finds that a person has eaten more fat, salt, and sodium in one meal than they should have in almost a week. Does that mean it's time to give up? That all the previous work was a waste? Not at all. Things like this are part of learning how to deal with holidays and restaurants without completely leaving their healthy diet.

Another example, I'm a runner. I have to admit that I'm not a great runner. More times than I care to admit, I've wiped out. When I trip, that doesn't mean I have to go back to the where I began and completely start over. No, ya get up, bandage the scrape, and continue. And if I would have completely quit running the first time I fell, or crashed my bike, or crashed my computer, or crashed the server at work, or... well, you get the picture. I've had a lot of failures. That just goes with the fact that I've tried a lot of things. These "failures" were the most valuable parts of the learning process.

You're going through several different stressful situations right now. Don't allow this relapse to generate more stress. You're making good progress and learning a lot.
 
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