Starting Reboot.

[Vardan]

today I had some fun time, met nice people, chatted with my friends and relatives...
almost too much of positive energy...

I could feel that a big ammount of emotions for me (both positive and negative) are actually provoking some urges of P.
so I came back home, prayed and felt peace again.
I am very emotional as a person so I think it is a field where I need to be more attentive.
neither big stresses nor a lot of happiness don t work for good...

now will be sleeping!!!

 

[Virus01]

Awesome! The technique of sensing when you have the urge to P is key to controlling your actions. You can also start to find out what will trigger you, and then you can manage or avoid. Super stoked to hear your progress!

 

[arkray]

Way to go Vardan! It took me a really long time to figure out some of my triggers and even now I don't fully grasp them yet.
I'm glad you have a way to find peace for yourself. Rebooting makes me feel more emotionally vulnerable sometimes and large emotional swings either way does feel a bit disruptive.
Keep up the good work!

 

[Vardan]

had a busy days, no time to update
everything fine so far, was working and had some job interviews.
I feel myself ok,  busy with daily staff and it keeps my mind more or less away from P.
had some urges, but not big ones

the goal for today - not to stay at home in the evening!!!

I need to try not to get too excited about anything...this is important for my general emotional well being.
mornings are better now, but during the day I feel sometimes more excitment than I usually have, and it disturbs me
sometimes I don t know what to do with too many emotions or feelings, they are not necessarily sexual, bu anyway disturbing.

oh, and I can sleep much better as well!

 

[Virus01]

Great to hear your days are busy and you are plannng some fun in the evening. Those "down times" of empty space can be tempting, so you might as well get out there and have some fun. Hope your job interviews are going well. Sounds like some new doors can be opening up for you.

 

[Vardan]

yesterday could not sleep well, dont  know why...
I have also some uncomfortable feeling in my pelvic floor
not really a pain but somehow feels uncomfortable

also, almost Zero interest in women, sex, P or whatsoever.
I don t feel that I even want any kind of relationship.
it seems partially scary, but I know this is part of the reboot.

busy with some other staff
yesterday tried to read some diaries here on forum, but I guess it is not a good idea yet,
since I get sometimes excited from the stories that are not really meant to be.
so I decided to be busy only with professional materials on the webpage and not look through different diaries
at least not now.

My concentration is though better, in general I feel also healthier, have more energy , still a bit more emotional than I would like to.

oh and I was reading about the reasons why one watches P.
I think in my case P substituted lack of sex and personal relationships in my life.
it was there to fill in the gap, so I need seriously think to start a relationship and not be scared from the girls
which I am not when it comes to friendship, but still I always keep the distance when it might be developing into something more serious and personal.
I did not figure it out though yet why exactly.

 

[Virus01]

The ups and downs you are feeling are "louder" because you no longer have P to numb you out. Take them as signs of sloe improvement. I think over time they will not be we loud and you'll find healthy ways to deal with them. I also took your advice and limited the amount of media I consume that has overtly sexual material. Even if I'm sitting my wife next to, I avert eyes avoid a potential trigger.

Sometimes getting comfortable with being alone is a difficult but useful first step. I had (have?) the same issue, and a quick fix used to be P. But that is artificial and not as healthy as personal interaction, especially with intimacy. I've been reading a mix of journals and professional articles, keep doing that. But also find the little things that get you out and spreading your wings to meet others. Sometimes real life can be scary, but in the end will be 1000 times better than giving into your addiction,

 

[Vardan]

I don't feel like writing but I know it's important so I will.
Another busy day, week promises to be very busy as well.
Going through some interviews, tomorrow will start with the trial period in one company
Looks exciting!

Did not have.many urges recently only at the evening before going to sleep.
Took a shower - helped a lot, and afterwards could eventually sleep

I feel lonely all the time, now I can see how P was feeling this space.
I always thought the partner Is what I lack in life, but many married guys say that the feeling of loneliness has nothing to do with the partner...I kind of understand it but since I don't have a partner I think this is the problem...
I am not comfortable alone but also don't know how far I want to compromise my independence
So I am so careful that even don't initiate any relationship.
I am sure that the vacuum created by rebooting might and should be used to get courage and start relationship..
Let's see

 

[Virus01]

I'm not sure if there is a hard rule to journal everyday, so if you don't feel like it...don't. I would say that if you have an urge, I'd rather see you journal instead. Companionship is a very tricky thing. Lots of people enjoy solitude because of the freedom it offers. I read an article that mentioned how PAs were attracted to the idea of being "free" because it supported their addiction. Now that you don't have P, you have a void that needs to be filled. I've see some journals where they started a new relationship and told the other person about their addiction up front, would you do that?

 

[Vardan]

I feel better last two days, busy with new internship.
today stayed at home, did some houshold work: cleaning, cooking...
did not have many urges, I need to be careful though with social media, youtube,
sometimes looking through profiles may be a trap as well.

emotionally feeling more balanced and relaxed, this "extra" excitment is gone.
life seems partially boring but that how it is right now
I have to try to be more focused on my spiritual life, meditation and praying more!
this will be my goal for the coming days.!

 

[Virus01]

Life is full of excitement, you'll find something soon!

 

[Vardan]

what a busy day, though I enjoyed a lot, working at the new place with some interesting people.
did not have time to think about anything else except of the work
being busy and working hard can be fun

my concentration and social skills are much better.
for me to be out of PMO means not to get socially active but to be socially what I call more "balanced" (maybe sensitive is better word)
which means that I can also keep silent - when necessary...

I can see general imrovements on my health as well.

concerning to your question Virus01, P and my addiction issue will not be the first topic I will discuss with my still not existing girlfriend 
Because even though I realize that I have a problem (addiction to PMO), I don t want it to identify me primarily as a human,
for that I have other problems too
I will be able to discuss it in later stage of relationships, hopefully speaking already about my ex-addiction 

 

[Virus01]

Sounds good Vardan. Getting to know new people can be intimidating regardless, and you'll find the right opportunity if it presents itself. Continue to find peace in the small victories you have each day!

 

[Vardan]

Ok, I don't remember which day I am now but I see the changes and they are Real!!!
My performance in general is much better at work also with my other responsibilities...
I feel I have more inner space to listen and tolerate others
I am shocked when I think how much did P take from my life.
It makes me very very sad that I could not recognize how serious this was for such a long time
I feel I have wasted a lot of time and its enough
I won't anymore
Now I feel how real the addiction is but the way out is real as well
P took so much from me, my personality, so many relationships that I missed, so many opportunities are lost...
This might be different with others but I know, I Know this is the case with me...

Was it really worth it? Why I got stuck for so long in it?
The answers are many but in light of what has been lost they all look like excuses...
Sorry for my "pity party" - I just needed to write this...

I feel sad, but at the same time hopeful...
I know that things may be changed and I want to change them now more than ever...

 

[Virus01]

We couldn't see how deep in trouble we were because we thought it was normal. Until we took a step in the right direction, we didn't realize how much we were missing with our lives. We need to stay cautious with our habits, as neither of us are cured and it can be easy for us to fall back into poor choices. Don't stay too long dwelling in the past. Stay present in the now and make choices you've always wanted to.

 

[Vardan]

had a nightmare today,: I wanted to watch P and got into the PMO, but then remembered that I am rebooting,
woke up terrified.
I guess it is normal to have this kind of dreams.

yesterday`s mood is gone, but I am happy that I could feel all of that

today was thinking that there is also a burden on me, (or we can call it pressure) to get into the relationship, to find someone,
it s in the society, people you are surrounded, I feel every girl I meet somehow blaims me that I don t try to start a relationship with her
I really think that very often.
then I start to find excuses for myself why I can t start relationship with this or that girl. (for example I don t like her, she is too short , we have nothing in common,..etc)
this all is so strange.

the only girl I have approached this summer (after long break) said that she does not like me as a boyfriend, only as a friend or brother...
I  hate when they say that

anyways, today is the day 17 without P and I am happy about it!

 

[Virus01]

Wow, hope you are ok! Dreams can be very powerful, but even then it sounded like you were aware of yourself and made better choices. Maybe there was something that happened yesterday to trigger the dream?

I also wonder where you are getting the sense of self pressure that you HAVE to be in a relationship. I have the fear of being alone, and I'm working on it. Granted I'm married, so I'm not alone, but it doesn't mean I dont feel that way anyway.

You're on the right path, steady makes the day!

 

[Mikel]

Hey Vardan, just reading your journal and of course, there are similarities. Especially at the beginning about almost being able to hide the porn addiction. I'm with you there. Alcohol was highly visible and extremely destructive to myself and my life but with porn, it's like nobody else knew which they didn't, except that it affects me mentally, physically & emotionally.

 

[Vardan]

Recently have a very busy period with the internship, work, church, etc.
Almost too much
The week promises to be busy as well...
Have had some urges mainly in the evenings, before sleeping
Have a lot of dreams lately, way too much
Today for example had a dinner with queen Elisabeth
Funny

Virus: It's partially cultural, I mean the pressure to find a partner
I am not from Germany originally
But it can be social as well...I feel like it is anticipated that one needs to be in relationship.
Maybe its silly but it does create a pressure on me

One of my favorite authors speaks a lot about the differences between loneliness and solitude...
I think I am looking for a relationship to avoid the loneliness
however no relationship will save me from that...
And when I am looking for solitude, the conscious isolation in order to find myself and God I am not afraid from the loneliness anymore

 

[Virus01]

Yeah, I've found that keeping busy to avoid P is a delicate balance. You don't want to be too busy where you get stressed out and use P to deflate. Recommend to find small windows, maybe 10-15 minutes, to get some quiet reflection or meditation/prayer so you can center yourself. The work will be there When you get back, no big deal. But it will do wonders for your inner peace.

Looking to loneliness through a relationship sounds normal to me. When the opportunity presents itself, I'm sure you'll know. Finding peace in solitude is great. I work around people so much I look forward to my solitude. I journal early in the morning so I can have time to myself. For me, a relationship is not the ONLY path to happiness, but it can help. You're fixing yourself right now, and you'll be better off when you meet someone.