The trick is to keep breathing

[jms42]

I'm becoming more attuned to women these days, in both good and bad ways. I suppose the absence of P means my libido has to direct itself at other things. I don't have problems talking to women, but now I feel I'm more aware of what I say and do when around women because I feel more need to attract women. The other side of this is also I tend to have more sexual thoughts about the women I see. I know it's not completely unnatural, but I suppose as a rebooter it makes me worry about whether it is the hormones raging or the P-related urges producing these thoughts. How much of my thoughts are normal, healthy, male thoughts, and how much comes from the conditioning from years of P.

 

[jms42]

Everyone loves a pretty face and a nice body. As I'm getting back in the dating scene and trying to meet women since I started rebooting, I wonder how much my perception of an attractive women has been warped by years of P usage. I freely admit that I'm not a golden catch in terms of looks, so I don't want to hold a girl to some super unrealistic expectations either. I know it's impossible to draw a line anywhere. I just can't help but be curious.

 

[jms42]

Don't know why I was reading my old journal posts, but it definitely showed the whole novelty cycle. There was the initial "honeymoon" period, where it all seemed so great, so easy. Then I could tell when things were getting tougher, when I don't sound as chipper anymore. Of course then I hit the bottom and had to start over. I really felt embarrassed reading them.
I hope I'm being more realistic this time around. Before, I would make a big deal out of the things I do. I was just as eager to kick myself over little faults as much as I was to celebrate little victories. I want to take a different approach now. I want to tell myself that everything is going to be fine. That feeling like I have to struggle is not the end of the world, while at the same time reminding myself that with every little step taken, it's still possible to make it or break it with the next one.

 

[jms42]

Setting a new counter with a shorter goal. Been feeling like crap. Literally everyday feels like a battle, and I feel like I'm losing every step of the way. I feel like I'm on edge (no pun intended) all the time. Little things here and there just irritates me for no reason. I caught myself edging a few times already. I feel like I need to be tied down or something. My usual distractions don't seem to work anymore. I'm falling behind on my workouts because I feel like I'm using all my energy just to concentrate and even that doesn't seem enough some days. I feel like I need to orgasm, even though I know that's not true. I don't want to be alone, and I know I shouldn't, but at the same time I can't stand people sometimes.

 

[jnv]

Hey man, hang in there! You seem quite depressed at the moment from what I can read from your journal. I think you should try to set smaller goals at first, smaller PMO goal (7 days seems good when you start over), you should reduce the amount of time or weights during your workouts so that's in not that painful. Do not make it too easy otherwise you won't be able to progress but at least, set the bar just above what you usually are able to do and set the bar a little higher everyday.

My biggest advice would be to read. Read some personal development stuff. This is the best thing I'm ever done since I started my reboot, reading. By learning experience from other people who've gone through the amount of shit that you are going through at the moment is a great way to improve yourself. In my case, I'm reading stuff about positive thinking and everything I learn in these books, I try to apply in every aspect of my reboot everyday and it helps me keep on track and stay really positive about everything, I think it's key.

Find a role model who is a boss in the domain you want to be successful in, it can help a lot and spare much time.

Write a list of all the benefits since you started your journal. There is no way there is nothing, there must be some good thing you might be proud of. Whenever you feel like noPMO bestowed some benefits, write it on the list and little by little you'll see that it will counterballance the 3sec of joy PMO provides you. It will soon become a no brainer and you won't want to go back to PMO.

For each day you managed to stay away from PMO, tell yourself that you are happy about it, that you are proud of yourself about it etc.

You just need to change the image you have of yourself.

Here are some random ideas but you see the point. and read!

 

[jms42]

Constantly trying to occupy myself with whatever. Reading, work, exercise, cooking. It feels draining for some reason. I end up sleeping more than I like on weekends.

 

[qrayzHD]

Pretty much everything you said suggests you are in a flatline, keep it up going.

 

[jms42]

Haha, nice one

I don't think I'm flat-lining though. In the last couple of weeks, I've really been struggling with stopping myself from looking at porn. I don't go on a binge, but I would go on the site, knowing full well I shouldn't, feel bad within the minute, and then leave. Then I would feel like utter crap, tell myself I would do better from then on, but the same thing would repeat the next day. I'm now trying to get through one full day without faltering. It really is one day at a time.

 

[jms42]

Been super busy at work this week, which was really helpful. I come home and pretty much just go to sleep. I feel better now, and it's giving me a better drive to continue this streak. I know this high is probably short-lived, but at least for now, I'm quite happy with this little bit of achievement.

 

[jms42]

I recently m-ed all the way to o. But the thing is I don't feel bad at all. It's not that I have given up, but that I have a new mindset. I didn't m using p or anything. I just did it. I have decided that I have had enough of kicking myself, and blaming my shortcomings (seriously, no pun intended, I don't know how these keep appearing) on my p usage from before and my m-ing.

Here's the thing, I'm a relatively young single guy, if I don't get the horn, that's more cause to be worried than actually m-ing. Understand that I am NOT saying that p use is normal and that it is okay. No, I still don't use p. And I don't intend to m regularly. I'm saying that it is natural to have urges, and I need to stop daemonizing my urges and come to terms with it.

I wish I can remember the names of the wise members who imparted of this knowledge in their posts, but I'm sorry I cannot. So if you read this and find that I'm restating your teachings, please know that you deserve all the credit and my gratitude.
I want to be a better person. But simply abstaining from pmo just means that I am still the same as before, just not having pmo-ed in x-many days/weeks/months. And when I fall, I would feel like I haven't made any progress while feeling like crap. Instead of playing the blaming game, I am simply trying to move along to a better lifestyle. I no longer waste my time in front of the computer looking for materials for m-ing. I no longer use m as a way to deal/distract myself from my problems. To me, that is an improvement.
And when I feel horny, I let myself know that it's a natural thing, and it's not "oh my gosh, it's that urge to watch p and edge and m etc. etc. etc." No, it's just my body being itself. Understanding this, it becomes easier to cope. In fact, it made me understand a few things. Like my social life, for example, like how I haven't really made an active effort at finding a good relationship, because I've been so caught up with my reboot blaming "the urge" left and right.
Another thing is the big picture; how I've been blaming rather than actually doing anything about myself. I kept thinking that my doing all these other activities are "distractions" but really they should be activities that fulfill parts of my life, and that I put effort into them for a constructive reason forward and not to block out the past.

Maybe some of the things I said here don't really make sense. I don't know if things are really going to be as rosy as I have put it. But I fill I have made an improvement in this reboot, and that I can appreciate the efforts I have put into myself.