Day 15 going for 16
So many emotions inside me this weekend. Sadness, anxiety, happiness, emptiness, horny, hurt, alone, Lonley, loved.
I have penned it down on paper. Meditated. And now I try this forum instead.
Right now I have come to the conclusion. I want to eas my chest. I want to open up.
It belive I have fund what I am missing. It's not love. It's mentorship and guidence.
The ability to have someone I can talk to who can guide me and help me with what I am feeling inside.
That's the what I want.
And I have described it before as a close friend. Someone who loves me.
You know, someone who wants to spend time with me even if they do know my history or about my anxiety. Right now.
The good part I do know what I am looking for. But who will be able to give me that?
I understand also, why I feel so sad becuse om my mom and dad. They have never ever been that kind of mentors in my life. Where I can open up and talk about my problems. I know why. Becuse the problems Im dealing with, it from the beginning there problems, and they didn't fix them, so what I am doing, scares them. What they have been running from their lives. I fight to qunqouer (spelling? lol)
How could they guide or mentor me thru something they never managed themselves. They can't. It's like if I who don't know anything about being a carpenter should be a teacher in that manner.
The result would be awful!
It has nothing to do with love for the students, it's only a matter of experience and knowledge.
What I see is that, with my ex, I should have talked to here and told her she needed to see a therpaist becuse I can't help her. I can love her, but I can't fix her!
That's what I have learned from the last years of experiences. I don't blame myself for it. But I have learned from it.
And when I do understand this, I deeply in my heart miss her, and now the tears comes again.
....
Why do I feel like this. It must be true love. I really do miss her and all the good times we had. And I am a true believer of everything can be good, if you you want it to. With all that clearly in my mind, I also remember, Yeay, it needs two for a relationship to last! And even if I got this and understood all this. If I talk to her and make all this clear and ask what she want to to do. She would say she would like to come back. But I can't trust her. And it will be that I would pull forward again.
Its hard to realize, that the girl you want to be with, doesn't really want to be with you. As you are. Rather she would be with you, so you could take care of her and guide her.
So that's backs my first thoughts of today. I need a mentor, a guide in my life. Someopi can trust and get good advices from. And live accordingly too.
First that get to my mind is God. Who else would be better? But I need to figure out that, becuse I really feel betrayed and there is no trust for the religions or churches. Will take time for that in the future...
Right now my thoughts are about my social anxiety from last night's party.
I wanted to go first. But something hold me back. I tried to manage what it was, but i couldn't. I felt that I had to fix these emotions first so I could be free and enjoy the night. If I didn't I would be sad and feel alone.
So I had one feelings. Scared of being alone. I also felt that I would do wrong if I went. And I felt that I would be sad and regret if I did not go. And I felt that I was not allowed /worrghuto have fun. And I felt I needed to meet people and be social. And I had a hunger for being touched.
It was just spinning and build up anxiety. Talked to a friend, who is abroad, becuse she knew I was going for a Rave, and asked me if I was excited. I was honest with her and told her about all these emotions. And she helped me remember about doing things that makes me worthy. So I made up my mind and went. I needed to hurry, last train was only 13 min away, and I have 7 min to the station by car.
I made it, was excited.
During the night I met some cool people, and one bunch of people who came for their first Rave in life. They was high, friendly, and wanted me to join them. I felt how the anxiety built up. And how I had difficulty to relax.
I wanted so bad to relax and just be me. But I was soooo afraid to not be liked. Becuse I felt Lonley already. (I think all these emotions comes from a party when I was in 6th grade, and that ended upp with tears and running home first of all, feeling so alone and lonely, nobody liked me, and I couldn't talk with mom about it, because she would not help me with my feelings. She would have talked to the teachers, and made it big, becuse she would have treated me like a victim, and she would have tried to rescue me, aka plying games)
The Rave was underground, we had some visits of the local police, they didn't do anything, but I didn't get any alcohol first. But later when I was safe. I got some drinks, and it helped me to relax. I jumped to the dancefloor and was enjoying life. Ans as usual, when I hit that point, girls dance into my circle and want to be close.
And again my anxiety holds me back. I had this girl who was all into me, we huged, danced and had fun. I wanted to kiss her, but I didn't know how to do it. I was scared for not being respectful. So it ends up that I keep dancing. Of course she will get tired of me, becuse I don't show any sexual interest in her. I come off as friendly.
She dance away, and all jumping made me feel like a wanted to throw up after the drinks. I was laying on the grass, all spinning, just laughing. And thought. Wooow I'm so happy I made it here. And didn't stay home.
I got back to the dancefloor. And she was dancing with another dude. And they did make out...
Later she come back and saw me. Danced with e again. Now I didn't want her anyway, becuse she had been kissing tat other guy just 2 sec ago. But we had some fun, dancing. She went away and I had no interest in her anymore. And after a while a guy asked me if it was my girlfriend. I said no. And she she came back he danced with her and huged her and ended up kissing her. They walked away together.
At the same time I hade met some other people and talked to them, and another girl their and I was connecting fast. And we danced together also. Same thing happend there. This girl thou was not that wasted like the other girl. I made the same "mistake" and didn't took any clear step to show I was interested.
And while I was relaxing right before the end. Or of the girls from the first group joined me. She was stil high haha, but was super friendly. We talked and she was close, leg to leg.
I'm still learning things here. And like I said before. I have a hunger for touching, but iam afraid of asking for it straight forward. Becuse I end up feeling alone and worthless. Becuse that's the feeling I have frm the beginning and need to manage.
I don't know why I felt worthless... Hmm...
Yes I do!! This party, it was a girl who invited me! But she didn't end up there herself. And she didn't answer my text about it. Now I see it. I said yes first, not because I wanted to go to this party, it was because I wanted to meet that girl!
But really, I didn't want to meet her. I wanted to feel likeable. And "used her".
And when she didn't came to the party, I felt like nobody wants me...
But tjat was also the old me thinking, and I don't trust that as quickly as before. And that's why all this head and heart spinning emotions before the party.
The question should be. Do I want that girl? Not, do that girl want me?
Problem solvedu
Ha, and this reminds me of my decision to guide myself. I will let my inner child do things like this. To explore and feel all these emotions. And we will deal with it, will give myself the love and gupmy mom never gave me. And I will help my inner child to grow and be responsible.
Next step will be, how can I manage to come to this conclusion quicker. And how shall I do, to get some nice hugs and kissing from these girls who hit on me on the dancefloor.
Some things I learned from yesterdays anxiety was. Ask for names.
The first group invited me to their circle, one guy asked me where my group is, and I said I was alone, he said I could join them. At first we danced, but I still felt like it was me and them. And after a few minutes I realized, to brake the border, we need to introduce ourselves and get the names.
After that, I felt part of the group.
For me, I never thought it would be any difference. You get a name from someone you want to stay in touch with. And we are strangers and will not met after the party. Why get anyone's names right?
And I realized. That's wrong. I should absolutely introduce myself, get the names, and talk, get to learn them, and maybe we will stay in touch even after the party. If I do that, they would be consider to be friends. But if I even don't get the names,it will be awkward, we will feel like strangers, and it will never ever be any chance for a friendship.
Many new realizations this weekend!
