mobilfreak
Active Member
MindOverModem said:
I'm happy to hear that my story inspired you to get out of the addiction. I belive in you you will make it
First relapse
- Thread starter mobilfreak
- Start date
I'm happy to hear that my story inspired you to get out of the addiction. I belive in you you will make it
mobilfreak
Active Member
zazen said:Mobilfreak great work on actively working on the social anxiety! Really happy for you!
I am sure you had a great time, learned a lot from the experience etc. I see it as this ; she helped you gain more confidence in yourself. She was put there to help you and part of the overall plan. a steppingstone to what is to come. That good lovin.. stick in there buddy and work on that game,, inspiring!!
Thank you so much for those words!
I want to se it the same way one step closer to the goal.
mobilfreak
Active Member
Today my counter reminded me.
1 month, remember to celebrate!
This have been mine weakness for many years. To give myself credit when doing good.
Today I'm sad, I'm about to cry.
Had a groupsession with my therapist yesterday. And something happen during the session. The others was talking about their partners and I just went from excitement to feeling lowly.
I didn't feel like a victim. I feel like I have missed something put. I am angry and sad at the same time. I'm so f angry for that she didn't stayed at my side.
I'm feeling sad becuse it feels like I lost 13 years. I just wanted it to work out. To be good. But there is always two in a relationship.
I also have difficulty to go to bed for a week. I feel heavy.
I also feal angry because my mom have not yet called me or managed to do anything about the situation.
I know she does dare, becuse she is afraid of me being angry.
And I am scared to show my anger becuse when I do, she do take a step back and don't talk to me.
Like how it is now.
So whatever I do, I will feel pain.
Either pain and hurt because mom will manipulate me to feel sorry for her. Or she will act like I'm like fire and she can't be close.
And here I am trying to get through to the next step.
I just want to talk to my mom and tell her I am sad and she do hurt me.
But she want to have the relationship like this.
It was the same with my ex. She also wanted to have a toxic relationship.
I dont.i don't want it. I want healthy relationships!
But it's still pretty lonely, and I still need to make the effort to meet people.
I have some people who text me, from the dating apps I Hager. But I feel how desperate they are. How they texting me becuse they feel like I am good looking, and treating them nice and respectful. They build up a princesslike dream and and want it to be like in the movies.
I had enough of that from my ex. And I will not except that in my life anymore.
Tomorrow it's a holiday here, don't know what to do.
Any suggestions!?
1 month, remember to celebrate!
This have been mine weakness for many years. To give myself credit when doing good.
Today I'm sad, I'm about to cry.
Had a groupsession with my therapist yesterday. And something happen during the session. The others was talking about their partners and I just went from excitement to feeling lowly.
I didn't feel like a victim. I feel like I have missed something put. I am angry and sad at the same time. I'm so f angry for that she didn't stayed at my side.
I'm feeling sad becuse it feels like I lost 13 years. I just wanted it to work out. To be good. But there is always two in a relationship.
I also have difficulty to go to bed for a week. I feel heavy.
I also feal angry because my mom have not yet called me or managed to do anything about the situation.
I know she does dare, becuse she is afraid of me being angry.
And I am scared to show my anger becuse when I do, she do take a step back and don't talk to me.
Like how it is now.
So whatever I do, I will feel pain.
Either pain and hurt because mom will manipulate me to feel sorry for her. Or she will act like I'm like fire and she can't be close.
And here I am trying to get through to the next step.
I just want to talk to my mom and tell her I am sad and she do hurt me.
But she want to have the relationship like this.
It was the same with my ex. She also wanted to have a toxic relationship.
I dont.i don't want it. I want healthy relationships!
But it's still pretty lonely, and I still need to make the effort to meet people.
I have some people who text me, from the dating apps I Hager. But I feel how desperate they are. How they texting me becuse they feel like I am good looking, and treating them nice and respectful. They build up a princesslike dream and and want it to be like in the movies.
I had enough of that from my ex. And I will not except that in my life anymore.
Tomorrow it's a holiday here, don't know what to do.
Any suggestions!?
ImInControl
Active Member
Do something nice for you'r mom, even if there are so many mixed feelings and everything and probably the hardest thing to do right now.
Just the act of giving flowers and a card saying that you love her. nothing more.
My belief is you will receive what you give... if you are suffering, it may attract more suffering from others (in other way, shape and forms - such as victim role as you mention).
Whereas, if you give what you want to receive ("I just want to talk to my mom and tell her I am sad and she do hurt me.") > you want better communication with your mom .. its better to start with a small step, a kind gesture. Only love and compassion will open a closed up heart. just my suggestion but naturally I don't know what is going on other than what you write. I just wish for the both of you, a more compassionate relationship.
If I may also suggest a video, something has helped me in the past in regards easing these kind of feelings ; "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=si1iz7B8wqE".
Enjoy the holiday! > ps. 1 month is freakin awesome!!
mobilfreak
Active Member
Day 26 today. Only 4 days to 1 month milestone.
And I have been filled up with anger and sadness whole day.
Been eating all day. Snacks, food, soda, chocolate, chips, more snacks. I'm trying to comfort myself with food.
When something need to come out, I stuff things in my month, so I don't need to face my emotions.
Took the car for a drive and started to cry and scream out loud. I'm so freaking mad at all those people I trusted, who told me they would be there for me. How they promised me things. But when I really need them. They dont show up.
I just want to punch them I. The face so they wake up and say they are sorry for betrayed me. They don't want to be friends. They dont dare to face the truth. All they say is. "I'm only want to help you" and in that way they say "don't you appreciate my help?" and they turn all around so that I will feel sorry for them. All they did was trying to help and I'm not even thankful!
Well that's the problem. They did not try to help me. The only thing that motivated them was their own ego, and they wanted someone to act on their effort so they could feel less ashamed.
Becuse that's why they do that. They have done things wrong, and instead of dealing with it, they try to play games and act like all is good. Becuse you help a friend right, so now I'm help you, and you are my friend.
I'm done with that BS. For real. I dont want hypocrite people in my life any more. Doesn't care if it's my mom or someone else.
I gave told my mom several times I do love her, and I have given her alot of things to prove that. The thing is, it's not my work to make her feel good. It's hers job to do.
If I give her a card or flowers. I will say that I did wrong when I told her what I felt. And I did nothing wrong telling her she steped over the line.
This is not about forgiveness from my side. It about being clear and loud about where my line is and not let anyone step over it. If I take the step to speak with mom, she will step over again. And again and again. We will play "hey we are good right!?"
We are not good, becuse the real issue Gabe not been aired, becuse she don't dare to face it. She rather live with no contact with her son than dealing with her own issues.
She know it's her problems. I have told her, and she have confirmed it is. Just like dad did.
So here I am waiting for them to step up and do what parants should do. And the same time, don't feel sad becuse they will never do.
I have talked through everything with my therapist, and this is the only way. Just as I did with my ex wife. I need to stop taking care of them. They need to start to take care of themselves.
I have also told the group I'm in about how my life is. And one of the other members is a mom and she gets angry every time I tell them about how my parants treats me.
And it really helps. I feel like the anger is helping me keep my boundaries. But I really have difficulty to show it.
Another thing.
Its summer here now. And only 1 month to wedding day. I'm really missing the gfod times with ex. The times when everything was good between us. And I miss out sharing the good times in life with anyone. Just to feel happy together woth anyone. To be able to share gppd news with someone and they genuinely get happy for me.
I'm really missing that. Doesn't need to be a girlfriend.
I wish it could be dad or mom. But how could they? They never been before. My mom let her own fears hold her back.
She doesn't seams to care of i am really. She only wants me to be happy with the things that makes her happy.
I don't know what to do. Im just trying to figure it out. I just need a friend to talk to. I need a hug.
And now the tears come again.
And I have been filled up with anger and sadness whole day.
Been eating all day. Snacks, food, soda, chocolate, chips, more snacks. I'm trying to comfort myself with food.
When something need to come out, I stuff things in my month, so I don't need to face my emotions.
Took the car for a drive and started to cry and scream out loud. I'm so freaking mad at all those people I trusted, who told me they would be there for me. How they promised me things. But when I really need them. They dont show up.
I just want to punch them I. The face so they wake up and say they are sorry for betrayed me. They don't want to be friends. They dont dare to face the truth. All they say is. "I'm only want to help you" and in that way they say "don't you appreciate my help?" and they turn all around so that I will feel sorry for them. All they did was trying to help and I'm not even thankful!
Well that's the problem. They did not try to help me. The only thing that motivated them was their own ego, and they wanted someone to act on their effort so they could feel less ashamed.
Becuse that's why they do that. They have done things wrong, and instead of dealing with it, they try to play games and act like all is good. Becuse you help a friend right, so now I'm help you, and you are my friend.
I'm done with that BS. For real. I dont want hypocrite people in my life any more. Doesn't care if it's my mom or someone else.
I gave told my mom several times I do love her, and I have given her alot of things to prove that. The thing is, it's not my work to make her feel good. It's hers job to do.
If I give her a card or flowers. I will say that I did wrong when I told her what I felt. And I did nothing wrong telling her she steped over the line.
This is not about forgiveness from my side. It about being clear and loud about where my line is and not let anyone step over it. If I take the step to speak with mom, she will step over again. And again and again. We will play "hey we are good right!?"
We are not good, becuse the real issue Gabe not been aired, becuse she don't dare to face it. She rather live with no contact with her son than dealing with her own issues.
She know it's her problems. I have told her, and she have confirmed it is. Just like dad did.
So here I am waiting for them to step up and do what parants should do. And the same time, don't feel sad becuse they will never do.
I have talked through everything with my therapist, and this is the only way. Just as I did with my ex wife. I need to stop taking care of them. They need to start to take care of themselves.
I have also told the group I'm in about how my life is. And one of the other members is a mom and she gets angry every time I tell them about how my parants treats me.
And it really helps. I feel like the anger is helping me keep my boundaries. But I really have difficulty to show it.
Another thing.
Its summer here now. And only 1 month to wedding day. I'm really missing the gfod times with ex. The times when everything was good between us. And I miss out sharing the good times in life with anyone. Just to feel happy together woth anyone. To be able to share gppd news with someone and they genuinely get happy for me.
I'm really missing that. Doesn't need to be a girlfriend.
I wish it could be dad or mom. But how could they? They never been before. My mom let her own fears hold her back.
She doesn't seams to care of i am really. She only wants me to be happy with the things that makes her happy.
I don't know what to do. Im just trying to figure it out. I just need a friend to talk to. I need a hug.
And now the tears come again.
mobilfreak
Active Member
Day 28 going for 29
Today I'm laying in bed. I feel Lonley.
I feel that I have emotions inside of me and I watch movies to try to avoid handle with them.
But what I really want is someone to hold in my arms here in bed.
I do feel that I miss the good times with my ex and that I want it back. And I realize, what do I want from her. She cheated on me.
And then I realize again. That's what love is. To love someone beyond there flaws. And that's what I really do for her. And I feel sad becuse it's obvious she doesn't feel the same.
I should be angry,
All this I realize I have more to grive, and to work with within.
I just want a friend to hang out with and be there for me.
That's what I'm most sad about today.
Like the girl sent the email to me. She Said that's what friends are for.
I miss that kind of friend. And I try to run from this sadness and grief.
I need to stop running. I need to deal with it.
Today I'm laying in bed. I feel Lonley.
I feel that I have emotions inside of me and I watch movies to try to avoid handle with them.
But what I really want is someone to hold in my arms here in bed.
I do feel that I miss the good times with my ex and that I want it back. And I realize, what do I want from her. She cheated on me.
And then I realize again. That's what love is. To love someone beyond there flaws. And that's what I really do for her. And I feel sad becuse it's obvious she doesn't feel the same.
I should be angry,
All this I realize I have more to grive, and to work with within.
I just want a friend to hang out with and be there for me.
That's what I'm most sad about today.
Like the girl sent the email to me. She Said that's what friends are for.
I miss that kind of friend. And I try to run from this sadness and grief.
I need to stop running. I need to deal with it.
mobilfreak
Active Member
10 hours to 30 days.
Today i feeel terrible lonley. Again.
I tried to remeber why someone feel like this. And i have read for a long time ago, you feel lonley, when you dont have anyone to talk to about what you feel.
When i did remember that definition, i felt, yes, thats it. I feel sad and angry. For what dad, mom, ex wife and People done to me and I feel lonley becuse when i talked about it. People did not show empathy, they did tell me to understand them. They did explain that they did te?e best and that i should love more.
They turned everything around. Like it was my fault that my dad call me an idiot and whos goal was to Change me. Or thats my fault that my mom let her fears guide her in life and dont want to genuin with her own sons. And worst of all, it was my fault that my ex cheated on le first time. Becuse i did t how her enough love. And the second time was my fault becuse i didnt cared for my families spiritulity, so my ex was not strong enough, and that was my fault?
And now when i do realize all this, and said stop, they all leave, like its my fault Again, and like its me who took a sgep away and dont love them enough. So they play The victim, and they like waitin for me to Come and rescure them like I always did before.
Im sick and tired of this. Sick and tired off them doing this. And sick and tired of feel this pain insode.
Ibread an article today in The News papper. About lonleyness.
Lonleiness i like smoking 15 cigaretts per Day. And Lonleiness is like pain, its in The same place of the brain. And what we need is comfort.
It all makes sense. Thats why PMO is so difficult to get rid off. The opposite to PMO is not being free from PMO. The opposite is connection and love.
And right now, i just want to cudfle with someone.
This Will be a Hard tssk to reach for Day 30 with all this feelings insode.i dont feel any urge for PMO thou, i just feel i need to get rid of the pain. I want to eat or drink.
What i really want is my mom to truly ask for forgivness, to realize what she done.
Today i feeel terrible lonley. Again.
I tried to remeber why someone feel like this. And i have read for a long time ago, you feel lonley, when you dont have anyone to talk to about what you feel.
When i did remember that definition, i felt, yes, thats it. I feel sad and angry. For what dad, mom, ex wife and People done to me and I feel lonley becuse when i talked about it. People did not show empathy, they did tell me to understand them. They did explain that they did te?e best and that i should love more.
They turned everything around. Like it was my fault that my dad call me an idiot and whos goal was to Change me. Or thats my fault that my mom let her fears guide her in life and dont want to genuin with her own sons. And worst of all, it was my fault that my ex cheated on le first time. Becuse i did t how her enough love. And the second time was my fault becuse i didnt cared for my families spiritulity, so my ex was not strong enough, and that was my fault?
And now when i do realize all this, and said stop, they all leave, like its my fault Again, and like its me who took a sgep away and dont love them enough. So they play The victim, and they like waitin for me to Come and rescure them like I always did before.
Im sick and tired of this. Sick and tired off them doing this. And sick and tired of feel this pain insode.
Ibread an article today in The News papper. About lonleyness.
Lonleiness i like smoking 15 cigaretts per Day. And Lonleiness is like pain, its in The same place of the brain. And what we need is comfort.
It all makes sense. Thats why PMO is so difficult to get rid off. The opposite to PMO is not being free from PMO. The opposite is connection and love.
And right now, i just want to cudfle with someone.
This Will be a Hard tssk to reach for Day 30 with all this feelings insode.i dont feel any urge for PMO thou, i just feel i need to get rid of the pain. I want to eat or drink.
What i really want is my mom to truly ask for forgivness, to realize what she done.
mobilfreak
Active Member
Day 30, soon 31.
Life isn't fair. At all.
I had hard time falling asleep yesterday, I was stiff, and worried.
I guy at work is after me. Talked about it with my therapist some weeks ago. And he said. Stay away from that guy, he is showing true characteristics for being a psychopath. He acting like a maffia boss, and it doesn't matter what you do, he will always attack you.
Yesterday I got an email from him. He said I had ruined a costumer becuse I made a bad deal with them and if he did the deal it would have been better. He sent the email to the companies head boss.
I managed to let it go and worked as usual. When I was going to sleep Ive got an email, and it was from the boss. I couldn't sleep if I didnt open it. And I knew I would not be able to sleep if I did open it.
So I read it and for a short realif the boss actually told my colleague to stop picking on me and it's not Okey to use that kind of words internally to each other. And he also took the issue on his shoulders, becuse it the boss who gave my boss the orders to hand out the comsturs to me. And some of them was this collouges costumers.
The boss ended the Emil telling that he will visit the hq today and will hear me out what happend.
My anxiety went to the roof and I am afraid of not being belived. And that I will start to be bullied like in school.
I know, from what I have read, that if some do like my collouges did, they are feeling bad for something, and they want to find someone to pick on. They look for people who are happy and having a good life. Because they want to push them down so themselves can feel like others are bad too.
Instead of working on themselves to grown, they try to push others down.
And this behavior am I truly familiar with and easily caught up with. That's exactly how my dad have done towards me since I was a little child.
I was turning around in bed and tried to fall asleep and asure myself that it's nothing to be worried about. E mail clearly said the boss took it on him, and we look into how to not make the same mistakes again.
But of course, it's not strange I feel like I do, becuse I remember how it was when I was a child. Nothing I did made my dad happy. And I always got yelled at. I tried to better, tried to work it out. But the best thing was to end the relationship, becuse it only tired me out.
I felt empty, and I did not feel like I wanted to PMO, but I did feel that I really need to sleep. It was only three hours left for the alarm to make the noise.
So I said to myself, let's M, becuse it will help you faal asleep. I did search for some P. But it didn't find me interesting, so I just feeled me out without it. I wasn't even H. It was only mechanical, I pushed myself to do it, so I could sleep.
And I think this experience was sort of good. Becuse I start to loose interest in P for real. And I'm going thru a low libido.
Sure it didn't felt any good or was nothing else then just relief from muscle tension. It did work.
Now I'm heading to my job, have some nice meetings with costumers today, will have a talk with my bosses. And I will end the day with a meeting with my therapist. So what ever happen, I will be saved by the bell in the end.
I already know now that I need to tell that I understand that my dad is a psychopath too.
Need to give myself something in reward for 30 days.
Life isn't fair. At all.
I had hard time falling asleep yesterday, I was stiff, and worried.
I guy at work is after me. Talked about it with my therapist some weeks ago. And he said. Stay away from that guy, he is showing true characteristics for being a psychopath. He acting like a maffia boss, and it doesn't matter what you do, he will always attack you.
Yesterday I got an email from him. He said I had ruined a costumer becuse I made a bad deal with them and if he did the deal it would have been better. He sent the email to the companies head boss.
I managed to let it go and worked as usual. When I was going to sleep Ive got an email, and it was from the boss. I couldn't sleep if I didnt open it. And I knew I would not be able to sleep if I did open it.
So I read it and for a short realif the boss actually told my colleague to stop picking on me and it's not Okey to use that kind of words internally to each other. And he also took the issue on his shoulders, becuse it the boss who gave my boss the orders to hand out the comsturs to me. And some of them was this collouges costumers.
The boss ended the Emil telling that he will visit the hq today and will hear me out what happend.
My anxiety went to the roof and I am afraid of not being belived. And that I will start to be bullied like in school.
I know, from what I have read, that if some do like my collouges did, they are feeling bad for something, and they want to find someone to pick on. They look for people who are happy and having a good life. Because they want to push them down so themselves can feel like others are bad too.
Instead of working on themselves to grown, they try to push others down.
And this behavior am I truly familiar with and easily caught up with. That's exactly how my dad have done towards me since I was a little child.
I was turning around in bed and tried to fall asleep and asure myself that it's nothing to be worried about. E mail clearly said the boss took it on him, and we look into how to not make the same mistakes again.
But of course, it's not strange I feel like I do, becuse I remember how it was when I was a child. Nothing I did made my dad happy. And I always got yelled at. I tried to better, tried to work it out. But the best thing was to end the relationship, becuse it only tired me out.
I felt empty, and I did not feel like I wanted to PMO, but I did feel that I really need to sleep. It was only three hours left for the alarm to make the noise.
So I said to myself, let's M, becuse it will help you faal asleep. I did search for some P. But it didn't find me interesting, so I just feeled me out without it. I wasn't even H. It was only mechanical, I pushed myself to do it, so I could sleep.
And I think this experience was sort of good. Becuse I start to loose interest in P for real. And I'm going thru a low libido.
Sure it didn't felt any good or was nothing else then just relief from muscle tension. It did work.
Now I'm heading to my job, have some nice meetings with costumers today, will have a talk with my bosses. And I will end the day with a meeting with my therapist. So what ever happen, I will be saved by the bell in the end.
I already know now that I need to tell that I understand that my dad is a psychopath too.
Need to give myself something in reward for 30 days.
ImInControl
Active Member
hey.. Just curious. You searched for P,.. so you did watch it?.. if so for how long?..
also, do you think it was the right thing to do?.. M just to get some sleep?... that idea lead you to search for P. Probably a pattern you acted without even questioning it.
asking as I remember that thought-cyclus in me in the past .. "i want to sleep > what can i do to sleep > release tension > search for a good scene > M > sleep".
sorry for questioning, but I am asking to be proactive so you wont let a "small peek" turn into a rationalisation for next time you feel bored/stressed etc.. and peek a little bit longer etc.. we all know where that will lead. I want just to be aware of what just happened from an outside perspective instead of just being silent.
I know you say 'didn't find it interesting' but the fact is you searched for it.. I don't want to come off as a judgemental person / point fingers, not at all.. I truly have compassion for what you are going through and I truly want you the best.. Just being objective and seeing things for what they are. so IMO, I don't see what you did in that very moment, would be of any help for you to progress in this journey.
If it was me, I would not celebrate a day where I knew I had semi-peeked and searched for P. That is exactly what the addiction wanted you to do, that dopamine high.
Don't know man, you know better than me.. maybe its me being too judgmental, overcomplicating things and being too much black and white.. I know this is a negative trait I have.
Please see it from my side, I don't know if it was a search for 5seconds and you closed it down or 1 hour.. I know nothing other than the words you wrote. Just want to prevent you from going that 'just a small peek' route that leads to 'just a little more' thing... you know what I mean. none the less : you were strong to close it down and not M to it.. I do commend you for that! and 30 days being pmo free is a great accomplishment. keep it up!
Another thing, I remember how happy you were when you met and talked to that girl... connection. I can relate a lot to your situation in that regard. So my question is, have you wondered if to take a small vacation to only focus on having fun?.. like talking to women etc.. maybe another country or so or just to another city and stay outside for the most. It's like im writing this part to myself hehe.. The thing is I can relate to much of you'r stuff you are going through. and I know what makes me happy.. connection. kind people. being seen. all the best, hope all works out at the job.
mobilfreak
Active Member
zazen said:
Thanks mate.
Well I didn't feel anything like I needed to fight against PMO. I just killed timed and come across it with some searches.
Did a search for chat, who lead to some results involving adults chat. It was just a couple of minutes.
To explain more I details. Sometimes you feel like you want candy. And u can't stop thinking about how good that suger would feel and you just fight against it. And only one bite in that situation would end in eating the whole bag.
This time it was more like, the candy is there, and you walked passed it, you had nothing to do, and without any thought just tasted it, and it tastes awful, didn't give you anything. And you spit it out. In disgust.
It was more like number two.
And what did I learnt from that. Well I learned I have come really far, I don't want PMO anymore, I don't really like it. And I did not give me what I want. Not even the M gave me anything more than being able to relax and fall a sleep.
What I also know is that if I judge myself to hard, it will end up me going down in the spiral and meet a new bump and would make it one more time to the PMO hunt.
Its a inner work and progress. And why you do it is more important then what you do.
I don't of it really was good what I did, but I don't judge myself and feel like it's the worst thing ever or like I betrayed myself. I felt that I took care of my sleep and being able to wake up with new energy so I could leave that bihind and start a new day. If I didn't manage to sleep at all, I would have taken yesterdays problems with me to today. And that will make more problems in my life then one time PMO will.
The war is not against PMO. The war is about if you love yourself enough and take care of you. In the right way.
Do you comfort yourself when down or do you beat yourself?
Let say you do PMO. Use the same question. How would beeping harsh and beat yourself help you feel better about it?
Its not about telling yourself it's good for you. It about being there for yourself when you need it. Mercy and love.
BTW. The big boss told me today that he told my colleague it was bad what he done. It did not fell any shadow at me at all. I knew that but it was good to hear it. A new experience in life. Someone did see thru the bullshit and did send it back where it came from.
He told he that he told my colleague to apologize for his behavior. I know it will not come. And I don't care about it. It tell more about him than me.
mobilfreak
Active Member
So day 2
What happend?
Short story, because I need to go soon,and I have already penned it down on paper.
For one month I been bitter, I have controlled myself, I have been where I was as a child. Walls up, and did not let anyone or anything inside. I have had heard a silent voice inside me crying for help. Far away and I don't wanted to take it to my heart. Because I sort of know what I need to do. And that's is hurting me.
When the walls a up, and I do like this, I just kill time. Have been filling my days up with activities, and been so tired I just had no energy to PMO.
Sleep been bad for this month.
I took a deep breath and started to deal with this bitterness and heal from it. I did, find it, and I released it and I felt joy and happiness again. It felt good.
But as I was there, I felt I did not was valuable enough to have a good life. I mean, if my mom and dad don't even talk to me or want to be my friend, it must be something really wrong with me. And I felt something inside me made me start to make life bad. So I ended up with PMO just so I could feel bad again. And sure be that bad person my parants act like I am.
And this is the hard difficult pain and hurt feelings I need to deal with.
I need to tell my mom that I love her. And at the same time tell her I can't be with her. I know she will be sad, I know she will feel hurt. But that's what I need to do. That is what I am running from. I don't want to be with her becuse she is hurting me over and over again.
Just like dad and ex wife did. And I need to put this to an end once for all.
I thought and hoped I didn't need to do this, that I just could stop seeing her until I felt better. But as usual, I need to take the first step. And that is what I am so mad about. I always need to be the grown up, I always needed to say sorry, even if it wasn't me. Becuse I am the oldest. I should know better, I am the good boy. Etc.
That's was what killed my marriage, she did never took any steps to solve any problems. She waited for me to make the necessary steps and plan to solve it. Why? So she didn't need to be responsible.
My ex-friend did that too, when I did make the steps to talk to her and solve everything, she felt loved and it was all good.
They do this so I can help them feel good about themselves.
That's my rescue mission in life. My script.
I have told my mom this years ago, she took it and listened to me. But she didn't really understood how, what and why. She just act like she did before but when she realize she is on the game. She shut me out becuse she thinks she need to do that. So she do the same thing but know she recognize when she is in the situation, and she don't know how to come away from it.
That's when I tell her. I'm sad becuse she don't want to do what needed to come away from that pit.
So need to accept it what it is. She will be in that pit, she want to stay there. And I need to love her for that.
Don't love her for her, but for me. To not be bitter.
And the same is with my cheating ex wife. I need to accept what is, and let her live her life. I can't be bitter becuse she did what she did. I need to love her as a she is, and let go. Noth for her, but for me. So I can feel good and happy. And don't need to walk with this pain inside of me.
So the next step is, how should I tell my mom?
What happend?
Short story, because I need to go soon,and I have already penned it down on paper.
For one month I been bitter, I have controlled myself, I have been where I was as a child. Walls up, and did not let anyone or anything inside. I have had heard a silent voice inside me crying for help. Far away and I don't wanted to take it to my heart. Because I sort of know what I need to do. And that's is hurting me.
When the walls a up, and I do like this, I just kill time. Have been filling my days up with activities, and been so tired I just had no energy to PMO.
Sleep been bad for this month.
I took a deep breath and started to deal with this bitterness and heal from it. I did, find it, and I released it and I felt joy and happiness again. It felt good.
But as I was there, I felt I did not was valuable enough to have a good life. I mean, if my mom and dad don't even talk to me or want to be my friend, it must be something really wrong with me. And I felt something inside me made me start to make life bad. So I ended up with PMO just so I could feel bad again. And sure be that bad person my parants act like I am.
And this is the hard difficult pain and hurt feelings I need to deal with.
I need to tell my mom that I love her. And at the same time tell her I can't be with her. I know she will be sad, I know she will feel hurt. But that's what I need to do. That is what I am running from. I don't want to be with her becuse she is hurting me over and over again.
Just like dad and ex wife did. And I need to put this to an end once for all.
I thought and hoped I didn't need to do this, that I just could stop seeing her until I felt better. But as usual, I need to take the first step. And that is what I am so mad about. I always need to be the grown up, I always needed to say sorry, even if it wasn't me. Becuse I am the oldest. I should know better, I am the good boy. Etc.
That's was what killed my marriage, she did never took any steps to solve any problems. She waited for me to make the necessary steps and plan to solve it. Why? So she didn't need to be responsible.
My ex-friend did that too, when I did make the steps to talk to her and solve everything, she felt loved and it was all good.
They do this so I can help them feel good about themselves.
That's my rescue mission in life. My script.
I have told my mom this years ago, she took it and listened to me. But she didn't really understood how, what and why. She just act like she did before but when she realize she is on the game. She shut me out becuse she thinks she need to do that. So she do the same thing but know she recognize when she is in the situation, and she don't know how to come away from it.
That's when I tell her. I'm sad becuse she don't want to do what needed to come away from that pit.
So need to accept it what it is. She will be in that pit, she want to stay there. And I need to love her for that.
Don't love her for her, but for me. To not be bitter.
And the same is with my cheating ex wife. I need to accept what is, and let her live her life. I can't be bitter becuse she did what she did. I need to love her as a she is, and let go. Noth for her, but for me. So I can feel good and happy. And don't need to walk with this pain inside of me.
So the next step is, how should I tell my mom?
mobilfreak
Active Member
Day 1 done. And 15 hours.
I need to tell you something I did this weekend. I attended a new seminar about self development, and during the weekend several entrepreneurs asked questions about if you are where you want to be in you life. And what behaviors you wanna change. Don't focus on the results, focus on the behaviors.
Some did show videos from their lives and it made me vulnerable. I felt I missed the love they had to each other. They did what they did for their families. And that mad eme feel I missed something in my childhood. That calm and safe atmosphere, a family I could play and have fun with. To enjoy life with.
It never been like that and I felt sad. Also I felt, I want to have that life. I want to make it. I got motivated.
Also some week ago I did some homework for the group therapy and I realized that my mentor, they one I looked up to, when u was a kid, was my grandfather. And I also felt alot of appreciation for what granddad and grandmother did for me. I felt safe, at their house and that's why I wanted to be at their place in the summers. I didn't feel safe and calm at home, with mom. As I did with them.
I started to cry when I understood all this, and I felt that I really wanted to tell them how I felt. So after the seminar, I drove directly to their place and told them this. And said thank you.
My granddad is really bad at being genuine with his feelings and often look the TV instead of talk and get to about things. He ask the commin things. About the car, job and all that. When I did get his attention, when he did go to the kitchen to get a sandwich, I stopped him and said I had a goal to visit them that day. And I told him that he is the superman I been looking up to and I thanked him for what he have done. And I did give him a big hug.
He is really really bad at emotions, he didn't know what to do. He felt loved and it was long time he got that I guess. Genuine real love. I started to cry like a baby when I hold him, and I couldn't stop, I couldn't let go. It was so intense. It was like my little boy inside said. Don't leave me.
He couldn't hug back like that, and he laughed and said that I was strangle him and he needed to breath. He had so much difficulty to take in all that love, that he tried to "push" me away without using his arms.
He couldn't say anything, he said he needed to go to sleep. He locked him inside again.
My feelings and emotions that I had approved myself to show, did start to stiff up again and I felt how he did let go of me emotionally.
I did se that, he didn't do that, becuse he don't love me. I did see that he did that becuse he have not done the work I have done the past years with my emotions. And I saw that he did what he believed he could do for me as I kid. Even if I know they all could do more if they wanted to learn and deal with their fears and problems.
I did leave, with mixed feelings. One that I was so happy for being truthful, and showing my emotions in a family where emotions is not allowed. And I felt sad. Becuse I saw how they hold it in. And I was sad that he couldn't let go too and cry in my arms. I felt that he wanted, I felt he needed, but his fears didn't allowed him to do it. And he took a step back.
But hey, I can't be mad. It's probably long time ago he felt like that. Or maybe even the first time? What shall I expect? Nothing. And I didn't do it for him. I did it for me. I wanted to say what I felt.
I also noticed and got more evidence, where my low self esteem come from. When I Thanked him. And was honest with him. That he been a good granddad. He did joke about I was unlucky to have him, and it wasn't anything to thank for. And he tried to avoid the feelings of being good. He had hard difficulty to take it to his heart.
Maybe I gave him something new to think about. Or he felt some new emotions and he didn't know what to do. I did sort of same thing with my brother for some years ago. And he said he never felt that love before. He did cry out in my chest and he just got it all out. It made his life switch.
I told my grandma about how I felt about mom, she had really difficulty to talk about it. I told her I have a plan and I tried to explain. She used the same excuses about they have not read so much as I have about emotions. And she said that probably mom and I a miss communicating.
I said. It's not about that. And explained it like this.
Imagine you offer me a cup of the, I say yes and you give me it in a blue cup. But I want it in a red one.
Instead of giving me the in a red cup, you start to cry about not being thankful enough to say yes to the offer, and that you have give up so much for be able to give me the, and keep going about hos sad it is about you becuse I want it in a different cup. And every time I say. It's. It about how much I love you, and it's not about I'mot thankfull. The red one cup is mine, and someone gave it to me, and its a big cup, makes me feel cozy, the blue is small and I don't like that. and the red makes me enjoy this time with you more!
But you keep nagging about it and every time I visit you keep giving me the blue cup.
Grandma laughed and said. If it was me, I would stop drinking the at that place.
I don't know if she realized what she really said. Becuse that's exactly the same thing I have done. I have stopped talking to my mom exactly like grandma would have stopped drinking the the. So she don't need to bother and feel sad every time. It's a way to be friends...
Now I felt heavy. I feel sad, becuse it is was it is. And I don't want it like this. And I am forced to live like this. Becuse just like my ex wanted it like this. And never did anything about it, my mom is the same.
I don't want to change them, and I don't want them to change me.
I remember one time my ex made me angry and sad, I told her and she did not say sorry. She did like my mom do now. And I asked my ex. Do you want it like this? Yes she said.
I knew she didn't, but she did not wanted to solve it neither. So I played with her for one week. Didn't say a word to her and was short in my sentences, I was clear to show that the conflict will not end becuse we just play happy. And I have no problems to live your life to prove that it's not a good way to live a life.
It took 6 days for my ex to finally say. "I don't want it like this"
I replied, yes you do. You did made this conflict from nothing, I wanted to sort it out, but you did go to sleep and played tired. I asked you the day after if you want to live like this, and you said yes..
She had difficulty to take all that to heart to. We sorted things out for a time and she started all over again a week later.
Exactly the same behavior as my mom. And that's probably why I had so much patience and so easy toke the role of the rescueer. That's how I always lived my life. Until now.
Now it's time for bed.
I need to tell you something I did this weekend. I attended a new seminar about self development, and during the weekend several entrepreneurs asked questions about if you are where you want to be in you life. And what behaviors you wanna change. Don't focus on the results, focus on the behaviors.
Some did show videos from their lives and it made me vulnerable. I felt I missed the love they had to each other. They did what they did for their families. And that mad eme feel I missed something in my childhood. That calm and safe atmosphere, a family I could play and have fun with. To enjoy life with.
It never been like that and I felt sad. Also I felt, I want to have that life. I want to make it. I got motivated.
Also some week ago I did some homework for the group therapy and I realized that my mentor, they one I looked up to, when u was a kid, was my grandfather. And I also felt alot of appreciation for what granddad and grandmother did for me. I felt safe, at their house and that's why I wanted to be at their place in the summers. I didn't feel safe and calm at home, with mom. As I did with them.
I started to cry when I understood all this, and I felt that I really wanted to tell them how I felt. So after the seminar, I drove directly to their place and told them this. And said thank you.
My granddad is really bad at being genuine with his feelings and often look the TV instead of talk and get to about things. He ask the commin things. About the car, job and all that. When I did get his attention, when he did go to the kitchen to get a sandwich, I stopped him and said I had a goal to visit them that day. And I told him that he is the superman I been looking up to and I thanked him for what he have done. And I did give him a big hug.
He is really really bad at emotions, he didn't know what to do. He felt loved and it was long time he got that I guess. Genuine real love. I started to cry like a baby when I hold him, and I couldn't stop, I couldn't let go. It was so intense. It was like my little boy inside said. Don't leave me.
He couldn't hug back like that, and he laughed and said that I was strangle him and he needed to breath. He had so much difficulty to take in all that love, that he tried to "push" me away without using his arms.
He couldn't say anything, he said he needed to go to sleep. He locked him inside again.
My feelings and emotions that I had approved myself to show, did start to stiff up again and I felt how he did let go of me emotionally.
I did se that, he didn't do that, becuse he don't love me. I did see that he did that becuse he have not done the work I have done the past years with my emotions. And I saw that he did what he believed he could do for me as I kid. Even if I know they all could do more if they wanted to learn and deal with their fears and problems.
I did leave, with mixed feelings. One that I was so happy for being truthful, and showing my emotions in a family where emotions is not allowed. And I felt sad. Becuse I saw how they hold it in. And I was sad that he couldn't let go too and cry in my arms. I felt that he wanted, I felt he needed, but his fears didn't allowed him to do it. And he took a step back.
But hey, I can't be mad. It's probably long time ago he felt like that. Or maybe even the first time? What shall I expect? Nothing. And I didn't do it for him. I did it for me. I wanted to say what I felt.
I also noticed and got more evidence, where my low self esteem come from. When I Thanked him. And was honest with him. That he been a good granddad. He did joke about I was unlucky to have him, and it wasn't anything to thank for. And he tried to avoid the feelings of being good. He had hard difficulty to take it to his heart.
Maybe I gave him something new to think about. Or he felt some new emotions and he didn't know what to do. I did sort of same thing with my brother for some years ago. And he said he never felt that love before. He did cry out in my chest and he just got it all out. It made his life switch.
I told my grandma about how I felt about mom, she had really difficulty to talk about it. I told her I have a plan and I tried to explain. She used the same excuses about they have not read so much as I have about emotions. And she said that probably mom and I a miss communicating.
I said. It's not about that. And explained it like this.
Imagine you offer me a cup of the, I say yes and you give me it in a blue cup. But I want it in a red one.
Instead of giving me the in a red cup, you start to cry about not being thankful enough to say yes to the offer, and that you have give up so much for be able to give me the, and keep going about hos sad it is about you becuse I want it in a different cup. And every time I say. It's. It about how much I love you, and it's not about I'mot thankfull. The red one cup is mine, and someone gave it to me, and its a big cup, makes me feel cozy, the blue is small and I don't like that. and the red makes me enjoy this time with you more!
But you keep nagging about it and every time I visit you keep giving me the blue cup.
Grandma laughed and said. If it was me, I would stop drinking the at that place.
I don't know if she realized what she really said. Becuse that's exactly the same thing I have done. I have stopped talking to my mom exactly like grandma would have stopped drinking the the. So she don't need to bother and feel sad every time. It's a way to be friends...
Now I felt heavy. I feel sad, becuse it is was it is. And I don't want it like this. And I am forced to live like this. Becuse just like my ex wanted it like this. And never did anything about it, my mom is the same.
I don't want to change them, and I don't want them to change me.
I remember one time my ex made me angry and sad, I told her and she did not say sorry. She did like my mom do now. And I asked my ex. Do you want it like this? Yes she said.
I knew she didn't, but she did not wanted to solve it neither. So I played with her for one week. Didn't say a word to her and was short in my sentences, I was clear to show that the conflict will not end becuse we just play happy. And I have no problems to live your life to prove that it's not a good way to live a life.
It took 6 days for my ex to finally say. "I don't want it like this"
I replied, yes you do. You did made this conflict from nothing, I wanted to sort it out, but you did go to sleep and played tired. I asked you the day after if you want to live like this, and you said yes..
She had difficulty to take all that to heart to. We sorted things out for a time and she started all over again a week later.
Exactly the same behavior as my mom. And that's probably why I had so much patience and so easy toke the role of the rescueer. That's how I always lived my life. Until now.
Now it's time for bed.
mobilfreak
Active Member
This summer will be really tough!
Everyone going for vacation. They do things together with family, and they spend time with the ones they love. They make memories together.
And here I am. Broken, alone and loliness up to my throat taking my breath away.
I took a trip to a nearby lake, been here for 3 hours now. Meditated. Got some calmness inside. Healing.
Felt some things, needed to write a bit. And it felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest.
The music playing is, I need you, by Armin van buren. And I just cried so loud.
Not that I am missing my ex. But I miss what she took away from me/us
Everyone going for vacation. They do things together with family, and they spend time with the ones they love. They make memories together.
And here I am. Broken, alone and loliness up to my throat taking my breath away.
I took a trip to a nearby lake, been here for 3 hours now. Meditated. Got some calmness inside. Healing.
Felt some things, needed to write a bit. And it felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest.
The music playing is, I need you, by Armin van buren. And I just cried so loud.
Not that I am missing my ex. But I miss what she took away from me/us
mobilfreak
Active Member
I feel like I'm going crazy.
I sort my feelings out and one hour later I'm fucked up acdain. I drift away, sleep and try to run away. Finally I cry and let it all out. Make the things I need to do feel good and one hour later I'm down again.
I feel like I'm insane right now. And I feel a big pain inside. I try to avoid it, but I can't. The pain is hurt feelings.
People who gave hurt me and from who I hold back my anger. I don't want to make them sad. But I feel inside me how it's like a volcano. It will soon explode. And I will go nuts.
That's why I end up with PMO. I try to calm myself. Get rod of the tensions.
I texted my therapist about it. And he said I'm really really close to a break through.
There is like 4 people I protect when I do like this.
I protect my mom, becuse she will be sad when I bring up the truth, that what she do to me makes me sad and angry, and she doesn't respects me.
I protect my ex. Becuse I don't want he to feel to bad and commit suicide.
I protect dad, becuse I deep inside don't want him to leave, that's why I put him on hold.
And I protect my ex-friend, becuse I'm afraid she will not be loved and liked by her friends when they know how false she can be.
I let them have good lives, so I can carry their burdens.
And I need to lift that off my chest and give it to the rightful owner.
Ex wife need to know it's she who need to ask for my forgiveness, and it she who shall run after me and try to fix things. Right now she act like I'm the bad one and don't want to talk, text, meet or interact in social media.
It makes me sad, becuse I somehow wished and hoped for her trying to come back for me. I need to realize the truth. It will never ever happen and it's over and why do I want her back? The only reason I do find is I love her. Her as a person, not what she did to me or qall that. I just love her. Period. I do truly love her, and I wish it was different.
As for mom. I need to speak up and tell her it hurts me how she neglect her children and try to run away. I have blocked her instagram, but I peeked today. I saw a pic she took at an amusement park. On the pic and int the comments she talked about "her kids like that and that roller-coaster".
The kids is her neighbors kids, from the same church. It not her kids, but she call them "her kids". While she have to sons who is her blood and flesh truly her kids, and she have not talked to me for two months after I made clear she stepped on my toes.
She behave live a child.
And if I do confront her now, she will say the same thing as my dad did. "you said u got angry, so I thought you needed to be alone".
They don't want to understand or listen. I was angry becuse mom did walked over me, she didn't ask for permission, she did come home to me even if I didn't told her it was OK. And she did push her inside by manipulating me. And now she is trying the same if I call her. She will turn it around as its her who is sad because I didn't want to see her that that.
The thing is. I do wanna se her, and I do love her. But she need to respect me and she can't walk into my house whenever she wants just because she is my mom.
She need to understand that a no is not a not to her its a not for not being beat day or working that day. And it doesn't matter that she said sorry last time, if she do not understand what she is sorry about.
I have learned, as an adult. It three steps.
Admitt your faults.
Change behavior.
Ask for how to make it better.
My mom only say she is sorry so she don't need to deal with the conflict. I have learned there is only one way to get thru a manupulater like this. It's to get back to the problem and keep talking about the main issue. For this, my mom need to realize what she do wrong and stop doing it. And if she is not ready to do that. She need to say that and also know she do take a step away from me. Like with my ex, my mom should run after me and sort it out. It's her family, and she is responsible for how she deal with it. It's not me who shall run after her to show the world what a great family we are. Becuse we are not.
My dad is the same issue with. He can be how bitter he ever want. If he don't respect my choices and stop trying to change me, he can go fuck himself.
And for my ex friend. I need to tell her it was her fault to and she need to stop play the victim and try to make it look like I'm the devil and hurt her. She need to face her own fears and act responsible for what she did. She wanted to be close to me and she knew she did things wrong, but she liked and amd wanted it. She can't held me responsible for her own feelings. And she need to say she is sorry for that. And start to behave around me like an adult and behave the same way towards me whenever we met.
Right now she ignore me when we are together in larges groups. At her place she one day sit at the table and chit chat, another day she is angry at me, one day she text me she wanna hang out, another that I make her feel bad. She need to quit playing games with me. We are done and I will not play with her anymore. And she will not like that. Becuse she like it when I give her attention, she feels special.
I feel like all this need to be aired, somehow. Mom will be first. I need to confront her. Just go to her place and wait until she come home. So she don't get time to stress about it. And just let her know and be firm. The key is to be firm in my feelings whatever she do. Becuse she will turn it around. She have done every time before. She don't want to have the truth. She want to live in a bubble. I will let her know that of she want that she will choose also to not have me around.
My ex, I feel like I need to talk go visit her the same way. In more mild ways. I really do want to hug her and say I miss her. And I deepn inside wish it could be us again. I wanna tell her I will always love her and sure I could have made things different. And I do want to tell her he r I do want her to know I want her to feel good. And that's why I have difficulty to let go. I am attached to her. That's true. And I have hard to detach. I feel like I want to talk to her straight forward and make it end for real. To ask her, what she really want, does she wants me or nor? I want closure, and need to stop hope and wish for her comming back. I really need that. Also here. I need to be firm, and not let her fool me again. Like I did first time. And listen to her cry for help. When she unconscious said, please don't leave me I need you to help/rescue me. I need to finnish it once for all. I did love her, that's why I stayed. And that's why I read all the books and did go to therapy, so u could understand what to do and really show love from my heart. Becuse that was what she asked for. And I did that for her. But she cheated on me anyway. So it was not me.
For my friend. That's a tough one. She have talked to some in the the church, and I feel like they back her up, so if I talk to her they will tell me to stay away. She have put me in that position, what ever I do, I will enter the drama and her play. And she have a big Arsenal with people who play with her and convinced they do protect her. But to be honest, she do that only becuse she is afraid of me. Becuse she know I know some of her secrets. Or should I say. She thinks a do and she is not ready to talk about them. Instead she try to make others feel bad, becuse if other people is bad, she is not as bad. That's how she feels and act.
All these relationships boiling down to my emotions and that I need to keep my bubble true. That I'm worthless and am no worthy a good life. That's why I PMO so I can feel that low and scum as these people try to make it look like.
My wife tried to make it look like she had to cheat, becuse I didn't show her enough love and took care of her.
My mom try to make it look like I'm a bad son who don't care for his mother, and being evil who don't let his mom be a part of his life. It's all my fault.
My friend, she try to make it look like everything is my fault and she was just innocent and I took that to advantage. She did nothing wrong.
My dad try to make it look like it my fault we don't have contact, becuse I'm a believer and he is not. And becuse I'm dumb and don't know better, it's wrong for believer to have a life with non-believer. So its all my fault he trying to change me. Hey if I was a non-believer, he would not need to change me, and therfore we would have better relationship.
Well it's not strange I feel sad when I do realize these things..
Add on top of that. All the other people I know, who don't know about this and just act like everything is good and try to convince me these people love and I should not overreact so much. And they try to help me.
Well, it's not about love. It's about respect. People I want close in my life need to respect me and my values. Period. If they don't want that. It's bye bye. Has nothing with love to do. It's pure health.
New day tomorrow, and a new chapter for 90 days free form PMO. Let's see what's comes first. Me talking to all of them or the 90 days.
I sort my feelings out and one hour later I'm fucked up acdain. I drift away, sleep and try to run away. Finally I cry and let it all out. Make the things I need to do feel good and one hour later I'm down again.
I feel like I'm insane right now. And I feel a big pain inside. I try to avoid it, but I can't. The pain is hurt feelings.
People who gave hurt me and from who I hold back my anger. I don't want to make them sad. But I feel inside me how it's like a volcano. It will soon explode. And I will go nuts.
That's why I end up with PMO. I try to calm myself. Get rod of the tensions.
I texted my therapist about it. And he said I'm really really close to a break through.
There is like 4 people I protect when I do like this.
I protect my mom, becuse she will be sad when I bring up the truth, that what she do to me makes me sad and angry, and she doesn't respects me.
I protect my ex. Becuse I don't want he to feel to bad and commit suicide.
I protect dad, becuse I deep inside don't want him to leave, that's why I put him on hold.
And I protect my ex-friend, becuse I'm afraid she will not be loved and liked by her friends when they know how false she can be.
I let them have good lives, so I can carry their burdens.
And I need to lift that off my chest and give it to the rightful owner.
Ex wife need to know it's she who need to ask for my forgiveness, and it she who shall run after me and try to fix things. Right now she act like I'm the bad one and don't want to talk, text, meet or interact in social media.
It makes me sad, becuse I somehow wished and hoped for her trying to come back for me. I need to realize the truth. It will never ever happen and it's over and why do I want her back? The only reason I do find is I love her. Her as a person, not what she did to me or qall that. I just love her. Period. I do truly love her, and I wish it was different.
As for mom. I need to speak up and tell her it hurts me how she neglect her children and try to run away. I have blocked her instagram, but I peeked today. I saw a pic she took at an amusement park. On the pic and int the comments she talked about "her kids like that and that roller-coaster".
The kids is her neighbors kids, from the same church. It not her kids, but she call them "her kids". While she have to sons who is her blood and flesh truly her kids, and she have not talked to me for two months after I made clear she stepped on my toes.
She behave live a child.
And if I do confront her now, she will say the same thing as my dad did. "you said u got angry, so I thought you needed to be alone".
They don't want to understand or listen. I was angry becuse mom did walked over me, she didn't ask for permission, she did come home to me even if I didn't told her it was OK. And she did push her inside by manipulating me. And now she is trying the same if I call her. She will turn it around as its her who is sad because I didn't want to see her that that.
The thing is. I do wanna se her, and I do love her. But she need to respect me and she can't walk into my house whenever she wants just because she is my mom.
She need to understand that a no is not a not to her its a not for not being beat day or working that day. And it doesn't matter that she said sorry last time, if she do not understand what she is sorry about.
I have learned, as an adult. It three steps.
Admitt your faults.
Change behavior.
Ask for how to make it better.
My mom only say she is sorry so she don't need to deal with the conflict. I have learned there is only one way to get thru a manupulater like this. It's to get back to the problem and keep talking about the main issue. For this, my mom need to realize what she do wrong and stop doing it. And if she is not ready to do that. She need to say that and also know she do take a step away from me. Like with my ex, my mom should run after me and sort it out. It's her family, and she is responsible for how she deal with it. It's not me who shall run after her to show the world what a great family we are. Becuse we are not.
My dad is the same issue with. He can be how bitter he ever want. If he don't respect my choices and stop trying to change me, he can go fuck himself.
And for my ex friend. I need to tell her it was her fault to and she need to stop play the victim and try to make it look like I'm the devil and hurt her. She need to face her own fears and act responsible for what she did. She wanted to be close to me and she knew she did things wrong, but she liked and amd wanted it. She can't held me responsible for her own feelings. And she need to say she is sorry for that. And start to behave around me like an adult and behave the same way towards me whenever we met.
Right now she ignore me when we are together in larges groups. At her place she one day sit at the table and chit chat, another day she is angry at me, one day she text me she wanna hang out, another that I make her feel bad. She need to quit playing games with me. We are done and I will not play with her anymore. And she will not like that. Becuse she like it when I give her attention, she feels special.
I feel like all this need to be aired, somehow. Mom will be first. I need to confront her. Just go to her place and wait until she come home. So she don't get time to stress about it. And just let her know and be firm. The key is to be firm in my feelings whatever she do. Becuse she will turn it around. She have done every time before. She don't want to have the truth. She want to live in a bubble. I will let her know that of she want that she will choose also to not have me around.
My ex, I feel like I need to talk go visit her the same way. In more mild ways. I really do want to hug her and say I miss her. And I deepn inside wish it could be us again. I wanna tell her I will always love her and sure I could have made things different. And I do want to tell her he r I do want her to know I want her to feel good. And that's why I have difficulty to let go. I am attached to her. That's true. And I have hard to detach. I feel like I want to talk to her straight forward and make it end for real. To ask her, what she really want, does she wants me or nor? I want closure, and need to stop hope and wish for her comming back. I really need that. Also here. I need to be firm, and not let her fool me again. Like I did first time. And listen to her cry for help. When she unconscious said, please don't leave me I need you to help/rescue me. I need to finnish it once for all. I did love her, that's why I stayed. And that's why I read all the books and did go to therapy, so u could understand what to do and really show love from my heart. Becuse that was what she asked for. And I did that for her. But she cheated on me anyway. So it was not me.
For my friend. That's a tough one. She have talked to some in the the church, and I feel like they back her up, so if I talk to her they will tell me to stay away. She have put me in that position, what ever I do, I will enter the drama and her play. And she have a big Arsenal with people who play with her and convinced they do protect her. But to be honest, she do that only becuse she is afraid of me. Becuse she know I know some of her secrets. Or should I say. She thinks a do and she is not ready to talk about them. Instead she try to make others feel bad, becuse if other people is bad, she is not as bad. That's how she feels and act.
All these relationships boiling down to my emotions and that I need to keep my bubble true. That I'm worthless and am no worthy a good life. That's why I PMO so I can feel that low and scum as these people try to make it look like.
My wife tried to make it look like she had to cheat, becuse I didn't show her enough love and took care of her.
My mom try to make it look like I'm a bad son who don't care for his mother, and being evil who don't let his mom be a part of his life. It's all my fault.
My friend, she try to make it look like everything is my fault and she was just innocent and I took that to advantage. She did nothing wrong.
My dad try to make it look like it my fault we don't have contact, becuse I'm a believer and he is not. And becuse I'm dumb and don't know better, it's wrong for believer to have a life with non-believer. So its all my fault he trying to change me. Hey if I was a non-believer, he would not need to change me, and therfore we would have better relationship.
Well it's not strange I feel sad when I do realize these things..
Add on top of that. All the other people I know, who don't know about this and just act like everything is good and try to convince me these people love and I should not overreact so much. And they try to help me.
Well, it's not about love. It's about respect. People I want close in my life need to respect me and my values. Period. If they don't want that. It's bye bye. Has nothing with love to do. It's pure health.
New day tomorrow, and a new chapter for 90 days free form PMO. Let's see what's comes first. Me talking to all of them or the 90 days.
mobilfreak
Active Member
done some changes and decided to to a detoxification from social media. And it have been great. makes me more precens and less sad. but i do notice this strange thing.
dont really think about it fpr three days, and after three days it hit me hard to go online.
and i figuerd it out its the same with the PMO. Almost a year now. PMO is ever 3 day. no less no more. i dint think about it the time between.
strange.
but i have noticed that its easier to stau away from PMO, when i stayed away from social media.
so i am going to focus on the detoxification from social media on my ohone and i will inly have internet when i com ehomw. will make som e plans and changes during the timw so it fits my life.
and i need to tell myself more often to not hit myself so hard for failing. i want it to be perfect from the start.
i have had a rough past and many emotions raisng the last year.
I am feeling so much better now, so ineed to celebrating and keep moving forward.
i have got a new apartment and i am now taking one more step forward to my own future and tbuilid a better life
dont really think about it fpr three days, and after three days it hit me hard to go online.
and i figuerd it out its the same with the PMO. Almost a year now. PMO is ever 3 day. no less no more. i dint think about it the time between.
strange.
but i have noticed that its easier to stau away from PMO, when i stayed away from social media.
so i am going to focus on the detoxification from social media on my ohone and i will inly have internet when i com ehomw. will make som e plans and changes during the timw so it fits my life.
and i need to tell myself more often to not hit myself so hard for failing. i want it to be perfect from the start.
i have had a rough past and many emotions raisng the last year.
I am feeling so much better now, so ineed to celebrating and keep moving forward.
i have got a new apartment and i am now taking one more step forward to my own future and tbuilid a better life
L
Lero
Guest
mobilfreak said:done some changes and decided to to a detoxification from social media. And it have been great. makes me more precens and less sad. but i do notice this strange thing.
dont really think about it fpr three days, and after three days it hit me hard to go online.
and i figuerd it out its the same with the PMO. Almost a year now. PMO is ever 3 day. no less no more. i dint think about it the time between.
strange.
but i have noticed that its easier to stau away from PMO, when i stayed away from social media.
so i am going to focus on the detoxification from social media on my ohone and i will inly have internet when i com ehomw. will make som e plans and changes during the timw so it fits my life.
and i need to tell myself more often to not hit myself so hard for failing. i want it to be perfect from the start.
i have had a rough past and many emotions raisng the last year.
I am feeling so much better now, so ineed to celebrating and keep moving forward.
i have got a new apartment and i am now taking one more step forward to my own future and tbuilid a better life
That's right, man. Social media is known to make P addicts relapse. First of all, it's full of triggers (pictures). Second, it's a part of the P behavior. If you used to relapse on social media, there is a switch in the brain that flips when you go there. It's like: "Okay, this is the relapse teritory!" That's why people advice changes like moving the computer to a different place, changing the furniture around etc. It takes you out of that P environment. If something makes you relapse, stay away from it. To be honest, probably all the things that make us relapse are useless. What do we need social media for so bad? Youtube? All this shit. Yes, of course, they have their useful moments but the majority of time is spend mindlessly browsing, scrolling, clickling, which is novelty. You see another picture and another picture or video, scrolling through them, clicking non-stop. Ditch that.
ImInControl
Active Member
Im in on Lero on this one. I deleted fb and everything else years ago. downside is when you meet old friends, they are like 'where did you go, why this why that, are you ok'..
my answer was basically its possible to live a life without fb. it was annoying.. but some people just feel better checking/spying on you, etc. im digressing here, main thing its a waste of time and you can put valuable time somewhere else. is there one activity in your city you could attend, just for 1 hour per week?.. just to take that 1hour off social and exchange that hour into something fun. ..could be anything, chess clubb, bowling, poker club, dance practice, learning a new language, whatever.. That will raise the odds of getting your mind off pixels and endless thumb-scrolling (not saying you are doing that, but you get me).
all the best -
L
Lero
Guest
zazen said:
Facebook, besides the fact that it's full of triggers, it's superficial. People don't show their real self there, they make themselves look good. Smiling at the beach, going to places, they edit their pictures to make themselves look better, "Look what awesome life I have! Look how fucking amazing I am!" Everything is only "give me like", the race for likes, what can I post to make them give me like? etc. After a while spent there I got fucking tired. And then I stood away from it almost completely because of triggers. I only use it sometimes to talk to someone who is abroad. But except for this, I don't spend time there.
mobilfreak
Active Member
Thanks guys!
For me, when I use social media. I feel alone. It reminds me that I don't have friends I can talk to. So it's just a way to try to run from the pain.
Feel alone, pick up phone, feel more alone. Not a good way to cope.
I try to do other stuff. Walk. Read. This weekend I am at a rave in a forest. Having my tent with me. Still feel terrible lonely.
Met a girl here, she reminded me of my ex-wife, cute, beautiful eyes and smile. She was talking to me for hours. We drank. She was close to me and flirty. And she start to talk about her boyfriend.
Woow I felt so sad, but still wanted to kiss her. But I couldn't and for sure, deep inside, I didn't want to anymore. But I went back to my crew and I started to cry.
I went to my tent. Been sleeping all night while the others party.
My mom texted to me last week. Again, after a post u did on Facebook about comfort. She asked me again, and manipulated me, to feel sorry for her and if we could eat something, and talk. And asked me if I wanted her helping me moving.
It made me so mad. I texted back after several hours. No, I don't wanna meet you. I don't wanna eat with you. I am feeling good. But I'm sad and hurt. Stop liking my posts on Facebook. because if we don't have a relationship in real life, we don't have in online. I don't want it like this, but if I need to choose to be close and feel terrible, or have a distance and feel sad but better. I need to do whats best for me. If you wanna talk. Write me a letter.
I haven't got any letter yet and no reply on the text.
So much going on. Soon 7 days pmo free. Best in a long time. Think Mars was last time.
I'm trying to focus on my job and the New apartment. But it's hard to pack the boxes. It reminds me about all the moving and lonlineess. It's real now. It's my 18 th move in my life.
Peace
For me, when I use social media. I feel alone. It reminds me that I don't have friends I can talk to. So it's just a way to try to run from the pain.
Feel alone, pick up phone, feel more alone. Not a good way to cope.
I try to do other stuff. Walk. Read. This weekend I am at a rave in a forest. Having my tent with me. Still feel terrible lonely.
Met a girl here, she reminded me of my ex-wife, cute, beautiful eyes and smile. She was talking to me for hours. We drank. She was close to me and flirty. And she start to talk about her boyfriend.
Woow I felt so sad, but still wanted to kiss her. But I couldn't and for sure, deep inside, I didn't want to anymore. But I went back to my crew and I started to cry.
I went to my tent. Been sleeping all night while the others party.
My mom texted to me last week. Again, after a post u did on Facebook about comfort. She asked me again, and manipulated me, to feel sorry for her and if we could eat something, and talk. And asked me if I wanted her helping me moving.
It made me so mad. I texted back after several hours. No, I don't wanna meet you. I don't wanna eat with you. I am feeling good. But I'm sad and hurt. Stop liking my posts on Facebook. because if we don't have a relationship in real life, we don't have in online. I don't want it like this, but if I need to choose to be close and feel terrible, or have a distance and feel sad but better. I need to do whats best for me. If you wanna talk. Write me a letter.
I haven't got any letter yet and no reply on the text.
So much going on. Soon 7 days pmo free. Best in a long time. Think Mars was last time.
I'm trying to focus on my job and the New apartment. But it's hard to pack the boxes. It reminds me about all the moving and lonlineess. It's real now. It's my 18 th move in my life.
Peace
L
Lero
Guest
Yeah, man, it's ironic how we have more tools than ever nowadays to meet people (social media) but we feel more alone by doing this. Social media is a superficial world, I don't like it. I am not active there. I only go to facebook to talk to someone who is abroad, from time to time, but that's it. I don't post there, I don't upload pictures etc. Like this I also stay away from triggers (because facebooks shoves profiles down my throat when I don't ask for it).