First relapse

[mobilfreak]

7 days achieved.

Today I still feel pressure over my chest. I feel like tears Will burst any time. I feel pain in my calfs.

I know exactly what I need and want.

I want to smash, yell, scream and bang something hard. And after that I want to fall apart and into someone's arms who will say. It's ok I'm here now!!!

That's what I need. That's what I want. That's what I never ever never ever have experienced in my life.

 

[mobilfreak]

Was doing me a sandwich, and suddenly I just broke. Fell to the floor and cried .

So much hurt feelings. Just as when I was a kid. And cried out of lonlineess in school. That noone wanted to be with me..

This is not new feelings. Just buried feelings.

Bullied in school and noone to talk to when I come home.
No one who huged me and gave me comfort.

 

[mobilfreak]

On my day 5 now.

Now I have deleted my account at Instagram and Facebook. Feels really good.

Moved to my new apartment. And this week have been full of activities high and low. Haven't had time to sleep.

Been partying and celebrating alot off stuff.

Pushing myself forward, and keep building my confidence up again.

Real tired today though. Out partying two nights in a row until 5am we had fun tho

 

[mobilfreak]

Day 6

I'm busy doing a lot of stuff. Don't have time to be online. So no pmo. And I'm exhausted when I get home.


Even if it's good I can't pmo, I need to rest. And get a mbetter pace in life now.

C ya

 

[mobilfreak]

Day 3. Felt a bit sad and lonely some days ago. Had some difficulties to sleep. So it started with a chatroom and in the end, pmo.

Have moved to the new apartment, occupied with unpacking and let my brain go thru a lot of stuff. Many of the stuff reminds me of past trips, places, and things me and ex-wife did together. It makes me wanna cry and from time to time I just fall apart and down to the floor crying with pain. My ?egs can't hold me up as much as I want to.

I am so exhausted after all this crying for the past years. I try to analyze and I do realize one thing that makes me happy thou. I cry only for a minute or so no.fpr a year ago it was hours!!!!

I still haven't got any letter from my mom, even if she said she wanted to talk, and I told her she is welcome to send me a letter of she wants to talk. It's been a month now.

Somethings are a lot better, and some things still would be good if they were fixed.

 

[mobilfreak]

Day 1

I'm about nervous, we have a new boss. And I dont know him yet. So have some difficulties to feel calm and do what I schould.

He seems cool thou and put on the sonos speaker with music. That's all good and felt good. It seems like everyone enjoyed it

We have two girls in the office who Always complains. And they talked about the speaker just whining. It was my list last time, so I took it personally. And felt sad.

I went home with this feeling of being bad.

And that ended up with pmo

Today I woke up, still sad, eating alone, and got a Flashback that my ex wife was sitting in front of me. And I just wanted to cry

 

[malando]

Hey man, sorry you're doing it so tough. My heart goes out to you. Are there any people you could hang with to offset the loneliness? Isolation is the worst.

With respect to your mom, dad and ex-wife. I think it's a mistake to wait around hoping for them to make any moves to resolve things with you. I think you either have to give up on it, or take the lead and present the best version of yourself who wants to express himself, but also work things out. Avoidant people like these need to be shown the way. Sometimes you can get a breakthrough if you lead the way - but it takes great self-control not to react to every trigger that comes up, so you need to be ready to take the high road and keep your eyes on your objective, which is setting things as right as they can be given the circumstances. I've had to accept that there are some things I'll never sort out with my parents - they just can't take responsibility for things they've done. They claim to not even remember most of it! I took the angle that I don't need them to agree to anything, or admit anything, only that I want to speak my truth and then put it behind us. It was the best thing I could do to rid myself of the anger I was holding onto. These are flawed and damaged people we are talking about - try not expecting too much from their reactions, but do demand to be heard. You never know how a different approach might play out.

 

[mobilfreak]

Well, I have some new people, who don't know my past and I am afraid of telling them about my feelings, and I'm scared as hell that it will take me back to the old days.

Right now I'm several steps ahead and feel much better than ever. But I know I can be much better self, and I have things to work through to make it possible.

To be heard. That's my only dream to come true. Non of my parents wanna listen to me. They just feel uncomfortable and change subject. They do anything they can to avoid using their heart and ears.

Do you know how many times I have taken have taken the lead in all my relationships I've had in my life. In every single one of them!!!!!! I have been so afraid of loosing people, and so eager to show them love, I have always been quick, to meet up, take a coffee and just tell hug them, tell them it's okey and focus all my energy on the future. People love me for that and have always been thanking me for doing that.

That's been my big weakness, because these people using me, they know that I always take the lead, they know I always take the responsibility for the relationship, and they rely on that. Now every single one of them are so lazy, they waiting for me to take the first step again.

I have been thru this several times with my therapist and the answer is a big NO, I will not go down that road again, I can't let People use me like that. If I take the first step they will think it's like before, and they will not respect me. They will keep on hurting me. How could I ever let anyone do that? Would you let someone cut your skin with ba knife, only because he or she is called "mom" or "dad"???

I need to take a decision, and thats what makes less pain in my heart.

Being with my mom or dad, letting them hurt me?
Being without mom or dad, and letting that hurt me?

Neither way, I will be hurt, and I will feel sad, and it doesn't matter how much I love them and want to have a relationship with them, if the relationship is toxic it will drain me and make feel even more pain. Will it be worth it? Never!!!

What can I do? If they don't wanna listen to me?

 

[mobilfreak]

Now I'm so haaaaaapy!!!!

The girl from the past who I before called my best friend, she is now completly out of my life. Finally I have got to talk to someone who understands the situation and have my back.

The girl have talked behind my back and kept talking about things we have said to leave in the past. And people have belived her and said things that made it look like as it was all my life and she is feeling so sad because of me. Yadda yadda blah blah. And some guys in the church came to visit me to talk to me.

I told them everything and said that I have already talked about it before, and that I have already left it in behind and I am angry that she keeps on taking about it and don't let it go.

They understood and told me. You have done everything you could, and you can leave this now. We will not make anything about this and if it comes back in the future, you can say that's already taken cared off.

I feel so relieved, and been smiling aaaaall day from ear to ear!!! One more rotten so called friend out of my life and I will never ever let her into my life more.

And on top of that, I made all this week without PMO even if I had tremendous load of emotions during the time.

It's 5 days going on 6 now

 

[mobilfreak]

Day 1

Let go of the past they say. Time will heal all wounds they say.

Iam crying, again. It so painful. It's so much anger.

I read an article about how to let go of someone you love.

Not any new things. One step said it is ok to live them. And that it is mature. Next step after. Love yourself more.

Wow I just cried and cried and cried.

It was written that this step often is the hardest to deal with.

And wooow what I can say ok to that. That's why I cry so much. I cry when I give mydelf the love I never got before. When I take care of my self. Like for example making food.

Today it's not even a priority for me to eat. I tell myself it's because I don't have time or money. But that's not true really.

I was forced to have a week vacation. I had booked a weekend abroad, but something went wrong with my booking, so I got a whole week.

So I did have 4 days extra, and I was so scared. I didn't knew what to do those days. And if I would end up crying because I was alone and didn't have any friends to travel with.

I did what I could to make the best of it. But I would really wanted to be home, at work, and focus on my goals I have set up to reach before 2020.

But there was some things I did learn from this trip.

And that was that I did take care of myself pretty good. I did buy me food every day. And I did got me food I wanted.
I did take long walks, and I did stop where ever I wanted. Sat on a bench. Meditated. Or stopped at a museum, pub or anything.

Some days was harder. I was just sitting in the mall, waiting for the night to come, so I could go to sleep. I felt like I had nothing to live for. And wanted to do.

One day I got some food and it was Crowded, so I had to share a table with someone else. My anxiety went up, but forced myself to ask if I could share it. It was ok

I sat quiet, ate my lunch. And suddenly the girl ask me if I'm from the country and if I know any places to go clubbing.

I was going out for one place that day so I invited her.
She was traveling by her own for like two weeks. So we stayed together that afternoon and i took her to the club.

She had bf so wasn't more then friendship here . But it was nice to get a new friend.

I did shop a big notebook and a nice pen to start write down my experiences. And I realized that I got about 5 new contacts this week in this way. Just went out alone.

Most of the time I did feel lowly, and alone. But I also enjoy my selftime. But I also realized I maybe wasn't that bad at socializing becuse I got these new contacts.

I also did meet some friends I was planned to meet last trip. But my battery was empty so I never managed to get to them.

We have a WhatsApp group so we have talked alot since then. And now I had the opportunity to meet them. They did also Travel alone. And it was a good thing to meet up with them. I realized again I was part of that group, even if I didn't feel like it first. I didn't even knew if I wanted to be with them first.

But I forced myself to go to the Meetup. And it felt like I was a stranger first. Noone recognized me. Lol. Was because we never met last time. But when they did understand who I was. They smiled and laughed. And was happy to see me.

We stayed together for the weekend and had really great time together. And I was surprised they did remembered things about me I have had said in the group, but never really felt someone responded to.

One guy from the group remember that I said I was a introverted and shy person. He didn't understand that after the first night out. Becuse I danced like No other.

I told him that's because dancing is in my comfortzone. But I stay in my bubble and have difficulties to open up to new people. Even replying to their invites. Or making the approach will make q big war in my head. It's a big nono.

He did understand. And. One girl said the same thing and added that she got plenty of pics over the weekend from me together with girls and said I somehow must have talked to them.

I explained that I did only dance, was happy, and was going for a selfie, but those girls wanted to be in the picture. I never asked for their names or had the guts to say anything morem

My friend laughed and asked. So all these girls took the first step?

I said yes.

When I got home I went out clubbing same night. And it happened again. Girls danced with me. Grinded me and one girl, pass behind me and grabbed my ass with both hands.

All these things would probably many guys dream about happen in their lives just once. I know I am good looking, and I know I have the energy, and I know I am a good guy.

But I'm so hurt in my heart it fails me to have real conversations with people. I did meditate about it the day after. And I saw a pattern. That in the beginning of the night and at the dancefloor. I am myself. And that's when the girls wanna join in. And when I get the attention and someone show interest, and dancing with me for a while. I don't know what to do, I start to think to much, and ibfeel uncomfortable. I start to feel like I need to behave now and dont make any mistakes. I start to try to get close . Becuse things inside me craving touch, cuddles and affection. So I jump into conclusion that when girls come and dance with me, they also said they want to share some closer time together.

They probably are interested and want that, but I go to fast forward. And that's when they notice and feel like I am desperate. And they don't want that. So they push me away, because I getting to Close.

But it was they who jumped in to mine bubble.

All of this is part of lessons I need to learn and that I do pushing myself to deal with. Becuse I have found that all my sad days is from being refused contact. And I need to learn how to make it correctly. And I will use the nightclubs to forge myself to get there. It's not to get laid and get the girls. It's about pushing myself to meet new people. And meeting people who like same thing as me. Dancing and enjoying life.

I had 5 days without PMO while abroad. And than I started to feel these feelings again and went pmo again. It's still 1-2 times a week.

Everytime I do make a larger number, it always together with not feeling alone.

Did hit the gym today too. Will keep working on my Body.

C ya

 

[mobilfreak]

I just can't stop crying.

Been crying more or less whole day.

Tears coming out. And I hold it innfpr some hours. And it comes back. And again and again and again.

Now I tried to fall asleep and o could nt.

I stood up and started to walk randomly in my apartment and suddenly I fell down on my knees and cried again.

I don't know what to say tomorrow when I come back to work. People will ask me how it was.

I don't wanna be the victim, but I did have a special vacation with both ups and downs. I think I will tell my boss about it. We have weekly meetings on Mondays. But really, I dont want to go to work tomorrow. I just wanna stay home and feel sorry for myself. And stay in this pit of darkness.

I read some articles today about forgiveness, 5 signs of behaviors for having a dysfunctional upbringing, and in what circumstances it's okey to brake up with your parents.

I had all the behavior signs for a dysfunctional family. The circumstances for brake up with parants I also had, bit it was clear that to do that break up only will not free yourself . You need to forgive.

I have talked alot with my therapist about that before. And the big question remains.

How do I give someone who doesn't understand he/she did hurt me or even ask for forgiveness?


This bitterness and pain, I'm going crazy,  I just ant hold it anymore. I just want it to end.

I found a forum where the question was if it okey to break up with parants. And I read every comment. And every single one of them said things that was so in common with my situation.

It was about narcissistic parents, parants who don't wanna listen, don't wanna take responsibility, who blame everything on the child.

I also read an article about what is necessary for be able to forgive. And the first part was to have a parent willing to listen.

I don't have that. No one of them wanna listen to my story. They blame me, and that I am feeling sad because of the divorce and everything. They don't wanna hear about it a them. They think I will fee? better soon and turn back to them.

Nooooo way!!!!!! I don't want narcissistic, abusive, manipulated or addicted people in my life anymore. I don't want them Close!!!!!!

It all makes me so angry. And sad.


Like when I did arrive at the airport. A lot of people was standing there waiting for family and relatives to pick them up. I had no one.

Sure I did choose to not call Mom or Dad to pick me up. Becuse I don't want them to do it right now. but deep in my heart I wish it was different, I wish they could have been there, happy for seeing me.

But no, my parants wants to control me. Wants to change me and wants me to behave as they want so they can feel good.

They believe their self-esteem and selfworth is based on what other think about them or how good parants they are.

O just wanna end it all. I don't wanna have it like this.

 

[mobilfreak]

Been long time ago since I logged in here. I just f?r I needed to write down some thoughts I have for today.

Why?

Because I feel there is something that is starting to change. And it's interesting.

Last year my focus and goal have been to regain my self-esteem. To feel valued again. To seek new friendships.

It have been a lot of moments of crying, frustration and back to drawing board to see what I did right and what to do better.

I wanted to be confident enough to be able to talk to people, No matter gander, without need to feel I need to talk aboit my past. I wanted to just have some good time here and now and be able to be in the moment.

It has been really difficult. Becuse first I didn't even knew how to approach new people. I didn't knew how to socialize.

But I made up my mind, and set out to the nightclubs.
Because I looooove music and I looooove to dance.

And because I didn't have anyone to ask to come with me. I just did go by myself. Nervousness de Luxe and my anxiety was in full bloom inside me. Do I look strange, creepy, what shall I do, how do I behave here, and alot of questions went through my Head.

In the beginning, I often went home, crying, that I didn't even dance with anyone, or talked to anyone. And that Boone wanted to talk with me. I felt sad, ashamed and shy.

But I'm a focused guy. So I told my self. Hey, this was the first try, and you did it. What can I even think I would accomplished with this without any training or knowing what so ever what I am doing. Learned some things and did some changes until next time. And kept on going.

The PMO kept on, and I am full focus on the real problem, the underlying cause of my PMO, the lonliness and so on. All these emotions that makes me feel I need a hug, and love, and Where my brain goes to PMO to get the injection for dopamine so I don't need to deal with the emotions.

it have been better and better for every time I'm out and the last month I have gain so much trust in my self that I got some new male friends and got some contacts to girls. And even have them dancing and making out with me on the dancefloor.

It's sooo amazing what a change it have been, and how I now feel more confident in myself.

Not because I make out with girls and "need" that to feel happy. But instead, that I made all the necessary work to get there from where I were.

And what have all of this about PMO to do? I had my counter reseted every 2-3 day, and I was tired of see that counter. Always remember me how bad I am at not PMO and how often I reset it. So I decided to delete it. It feels much better.

Two weeks ago I danced with a girl, exchanged contacts, and when the nightclub closed we got into same line for out coats. Started to talk and decided eat together. She almost loved neighbor with me so we even did go home with the same bus to the same busstop.

She got to her place and me to mine.

After that we have almost talked everyday. I got sick unfortunately, so been home now for a week. And we have talked for hours over Messenger.

Some days ago I felt I was going to PMO again, but I stoped my self and asked if it will be worth to not be able to get it up if she comes to my place in a couple of days. And I also asked myself. Could I do that to her? Imagine the opposite, how sad it would be if I came home to a girl all excited Knowing what will happen and not be able becuse she did get off just one min before I arrived and is not in the mood anymore. It would feel like a lie and she played with my feelings. So My heart told me I don't want to watch it.

Yesterday I felt a bit better and we took a walk together around the lake and she came up to mine place. Watched some movies and cuddled in the sofa. She stayed over night. And we woke up in eachothers arms.

It was a great night, we laughed and had alot of fun. And I think it's over two weeks now I haven't PMO.

Alot of things need to be worked on in the future. And it's not over. But this is some kind of milestone and I'm happy I got here. Don't know what this will lead with the girl or if I'm ready for a new relationship. But I take one day a time and will see Where it will take me.

Still learning, still making changes, still growing.
I know the struggle is real, but in the end it will be worth it.

Don't blame myself for it has not gone as quickly as I wanted. Instead be happy for keep taking steps forward to the goal.

C ya

 

[mobilfreak]

Still no PMO

It was loooooong time ago I felt this calm and slept this good .

I feel grounded and connected. It makes me remember what Dr Gabor mate did talk about it several of his talks about addiction.

He asks the crowd to raise hands if they ever have abused anything. And ask those people why they did it.

Some People get the chance to speak up. They say things like. I was sad, I was stressed and so on.

Every answer get to the same point. They didn't feel like they had a life. They needed something to feel happy, to feel joy. And the sad thing is that they couldn't get it through a correct way..they needed an addiction.

And the point he want to pin out is that if you have the ability to feel connected and all these things I, and have the right evoirment to achieve it. You will probably not use any sort of drugs or be an addicted.

It's very interesting, becuse now I feel like I'm connected, I don't even think about PMO. Or even think I need it. I think it's waste of time and disgusting to watch. It's so interesting how a change in mood can change so much in the addiction.

Now when I have one friend I can be myself with, let me find more. We all need someone we can trust and talk to.

 

[mobilfreak]

oh wow this was loooooong time ago. was thinking about to start this journal again. so many years ago and so much have happend since.

No single, divorced, she cheated again. I have been drinking, partitied, tried to learn how to be single, learn how to apporach girls again, to be able to have courage to invite them home. and for the most difficult, to open up the heart again for someone new to let in. I have not been able to do that fully yet. its 4 years ago now the divorce. she promised to come back after 1.5 years later she was married and pregnant with a new guy. so left alone.

I have had some strange times with PMO, still on and off. Last year i was on a 3 month streak. Met a FB who been a bit toxic, met for 6 month. Have had a few ONS from that, now 6 months. she start to want to connect again.

1 May I decided to stop PMO again. in april last weeks i was bored and alone, working from home. I did it like 3-4 times a day in the end. But decided to do a new reboot and stop. I have PMO one time only. Watch P some times out of bordome. Did not even made me interested, I closed it. Was nothing i wanted. Because all I want is intmicy, real. And I am ready to open up and let that in.

I downloded a app to keep count. three addictions I focus on to break now. Drunk, PMO and Drugs. Drugs is kinda easy for me, have never really liked it, just been curious last two years. so thats is 60 days already. Drunk, well thats more problem. Now during summer, and that I now live in a summer island, i party 2-3 times a week. To much. PMO I have lost interst in, but it is habitual now after so many years. Have O only 5 times i gues this month. so from PMO 3 times a day to O only 5 times. I know i can do this.

and right now, my libido is low. But i know it will skurocket in like 1 month. That was happen last year. After 1 month I was hard like all day everyday. it was awful. Luckly I had a girl that summer.

I want someone I can cuddle and hangout with, im tired of girls who only want ONS. Its not easy to understand how it works when you go from highly religious, only had sex in marriage. no girl before. and nevedated anyone else. And after divorce, with low self esteem, but looking hot and get girls running after you, have not been easy to handle and understand. They didnt want to hang out, or get to know me, only wanted to have some fun they said.

I have been difficult to understand all this. And to enjoy it. My friends i got to know now, they are laughing when I dont understand the girls flirting with me and how many chances i miss to take them home. I am split. I dont want to use them, I dont want ONS really, and I dont see girls like objects really. I am just laid back and natual. That means many girls like to be in my sourrounding. I have a nice good heart they tell me and I am a sweet guy. I smile and say thank you but dont have the gut to ask them out. I dont trust myself enough yet to dare to get into a relashiponship. But my body scream for it!!! I really wish I will be able to heal this soul one day.

What is good, is that I have found alot of new friends. Who stay with me and support me. I can be open with them. And we have fun toghether. But they are also partypeople and they talking alot of girls and get laid. I still cant really understand, and I still dont hunt for any girls when I am out. I let them come to me.

I dont know yet, i somehow want to know i am clean from PMO and my Codependecy before i go into a new relashionship. but also, if I gonna wait for that I will probaly never get into one.

so much to talk abut since it been so many years, but I still am focused on my growing and learn how to manage this life.

Today is day 5 without PMO, and have no urges at all. Only my empty feelin inside that im abonnded

 

[mobilfreak]

Day 7 today

I am still disconnevted, no libido. just numb.

did dishes today. first time in a month i guess or even more. step by step i start to take care of myself again

 

[mobilfreak]

day 8!

slowly I start to get out of my foddy world. I still feel disconnevcted. I try to understand why I feel this and how I can manage to handle it.

I have been in therapy for long time now and I know I am childish now, inside. I try to understand what my inner child want and need. and give it. I also try to fiure out what is feel, and why it feels abondent. Wha age and so.

And I realize I am here, waitingfor someone to take care of me, give me food and clean and cuddle me. I feel alone and depressedn.

I was thinking about why i long for this. Beacuse I have been taken care of myself and the houshold since i was teen. I made food for my mom when i was 8, i cleaned the house when I was borded, My brother asked me whats it for food when I got home from school. I also felt the same feeling these times.

I read many times that as an adult, you need to give your inner child what it never got as a child.

And I saw now, in this thought,my mom, who have been single and sick all my life, have done wha tshe could. But I missed that, she made food for us,not from obligation, but from love.

I see now howI do the same thing. I have learned her bevahiour. I do stuff out of obligation. And I hate it. im not connceted to my needs and feelings and wants.

So I need to give me that loving caring, my mom never did.

I will loose it again and again, but i need to fight this, to learn how to take care of myself. Not only survaving, asI have been doing almist all my life.

 

[mobilfreak]

And day 0 again!
Everytime it happens, now i am just like. And now?? that didnt help or give me anything. I know this.

And I still numb and "gone". I need to find a new way to deal with what I am feeling. I dont know what I need thou.

 

[mobilfreak]

been some strange days, have been trying to relax and sleep. While in sleep I feel how my anxiety goes away and i finally relax fully and enjoy it. but i wake up and the stress and anxiety start to build up again. Slowly slowly during day it get more and more and the pressure over my chest gets heavier and heavier. As my PMO always have been connected with anxiety release, it is difficult times now.

I had a good talk with my therapist yesterday, about that I feel like I don't care about anything right now. Not about my life, what I eat, what I wear. even if i Do a good job or not, don't care about my money or cleaning or if I get drunk and more. Some friends have told me they are worried about me. And I told my therapist this, and he said. Are you worried about yourself? I said No. I don't care.

He asked me, who does not care?? My inner child, was my answer.

He said yes. And we talked about why and found a traumatic experience when I was about 4 years old when I lost my bathing clothes at an aqua park, and my dad was mad at me for that. And I got sad because I lost my clothes and he got mad of me being sad. And his girl friend at the time even told him to relax and take it easy with me. And he got mad at her to and told him "he is my son, I can do what ever I want with him".

My narcissist dad had no empathy, could not see he was the problem, did not apology, and he degraded me to an object where he could do anything to me, he ruled. And with this behavior I was teach to do no wrong, because if you do, I get mad. and don't get sad and cry, don't feel, as I will be mad also.

My therapist asked me. What does that do to a kid, what does he do to stay safe if he is not able to do wrong nor feel? I said, he does not do anything at all. He check out and stay in the middle, don't do any harm, don't show any feelings and look himself in.


And therapist told me, Yes, and that's where you are right now!

I saw it also, and how it has formed me. I have several other experiences with my dad like that. Every time he made me sad, he got angry and even some times he hit me as I never stopped crying. And I was crying so hard, as I felt abandoned and really need some empathy.

So, the antidote. Give myself permission to feel, and to do wrong and to give me empathy. As it was not my fault.


ANd start to do stuff, even if it does not give me anything. But right now. I dont feel any joy in anything really. I do smile and so but its just fake. Not even my own mom see thru it.

 

[mobilfreak]

finally some days i have been able to sleep for real. woke up without any anxiety some days ago for the first time in months. And been able to take naps during day. feel so good.

Saw a meme about if someone always is sleepy in your presence. its not because he/she is bored. its because her/his inner child feel safe with you.

And that is excatly what I feel the differnce. I geel afraid, scared, stressed. And thats why I have problem sleeping and relax fully. i am not even safe with myself. So that is my first goal now. And when I do feel safe and calm, I fall a sleep right away.

did thre days without PMO, lost it on sunday. now two days in again.