oh wow this was loooooong time ago. was thinking about to start this journal again. so many years ago and so much have happend since.
No single, divorced, she cheated again. I have been drinking, partitied, tried to learn how to be single, learn how to apporach girls again, to be able to have courage to invite them home. and for the most difficult, to open up the heart again for someone new to let in. I have not been able to do that fully yet. its 4 years ago now the divorce. she promised to come back after 1.5 years later she was married and pregnant with a new guy. so left alone.
I have had some strange times with PMO, still on and off. Last year i was on a 3 month streak. Met a FB who been a bit toxic, met for 6 month. Have had a few ONS from that, now 6 months. she start to want to connect again.
1 May I decided to stop PMO again. in april last weeks i was bored and alone, working from home. I did it like 3-4 times a day in the end. But decided to do a new reboot and stop. I have PMO one time only. Watch P some times out of bordome. Did not even made me interested, I closed it. Was nothing i wanted. Because all I want is intmicy, real. And I am ready to open up and let that in.
I downloded a app to keep count. three addictions I focus on to break now. Drunk, PMO and Drugs. Drugs is kinda easy for me, have never really liked it, just been curious last two years. so thats is 60 days already. Drunk, well thats more problem. Now during summer, and that I now live in a summer island, i party 2-3 times a week. To much. PMO I have lost interst in, but it is habitual now after so many years. Have O only 5 times i gues this month. so from PMO 3 times a day to O only 5 times. I know i can do this.
and right now, my libido is low. But i know it will skurocket in like 1 month. That was happen last year. After 1 month I was hard like all day everyday. it was awful. Luckly I had a girl that summer.
I want someone I can cuddle and hangout with, im tired of girls who only want ONS. Its not easy to understand how it works when you go from highly religious, only had sex in marriage. no girl before. and nevedated anyone else. And after divorce, with low self esteem, but looking hot and get girls running after you, have not been easy to handle and understand. They didnt want to hang out, or get to know me, only wanted to have some fun they said.
I have been difficult to understand all this. And to enjoy it. My friends i got to know now, they are laughing when I dont understand the girls flirting with me and how many chances i miss to take them home. I am split. I dont want to use them, I dont want ONS really, and I dont see girls like objects really. I am just laid back and natual. That means many girls like to be in my sourrounding. I have a nice good heart they tell me and I am a sweet guy. I smile and say thank you but dont have the gut to ask them out. I dont trust myself enough yet to dare to get into a relashiponship. But my body scream for it!!! I really wish I will be able to heal this soul one day.
What is good, is that I have found alot of new friends. Who stay with me and support me. I can be open with them. And we have fun toghether. But they are also partypeople and they talking alot of girls and get laid. I still cant really understand, and I still dont hunt for any girls when I am out. I let them come to me.
I dont know yet, i somehow want to know i am clean from PMO and my Codependecy before i go into a new relashionship. but also, if I gonna wait for that I will probaly never get into one.
so much to talk abut since it been so many years, but I still am focused on my growing and learn how to manage this life.
Today is day 5 without PMO, and have no urges at all. Only my empty feelin inside that im abonnded