First relapse
- Thread starter mobilfreak
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mobilfreak
Active Member
TiramiSu said:
What do you mean with meditation? I connect meditation with take time to think about something when u are in your present mind of state. And that's really helps for dealing with problems, bur never to relax thou.
mobilfreak
Active Member
Still going strong.
But I still miss having a life, and friends to hang out with.
I know I need to set up some goals, I need something to look forward to, something who helps me achieve my dreams and goals in life. But right now, I don't have the energy to do that. I'm still splitted. I do know what I need to do, but it's not down in my heart, so I need to move it from "I should do..." to "i want to do..." or "I think I wanna do this fir it's the best for me and in line with my goals".
I still do many things in life because I've been told to do it.
Let me xplain. I'm religious, and been very active in my religion. My beliefs is Rock solid ! But my mental health makes me feel down. And I'm been trying to get this fixed, I been praying, attended meeting , read the bible daily, I'm been meditating , I've asked for advices. I did everything what people told me, and what I've read, but my depression, anxiety always came back and so did my addiction. And I did know I wouldnt do that. Now I understand I been addicted to sexual stimuli since I was little boy, and I've hot this chaser effect long time before I even know I had a problem.
I finally told someone in my congragation, and the result was that I got disfellowedshiped to make me think about my behaviour and also change my heart toward P. The thing us I already hate porn, and only time I did using was when I got the chaser effect , once a month. But in between I did as much as I could in my congregation. There us were my life wants to be and we're I want to build my future.
But right now, I'm not allowed to any religious activities. So my life is pretty empty, no activities, and no friends left. And the only way to come back, is to stop using P. To do that I need to have a better relationship with God. And to have a better relationship I need to keep my spiritual activities. But, I can't do like I did before. I did everything I should do, but not in the right energy, not with the right motive. I did things, because deep inside I do know it's the best, and I could show others I could do it. I need to stay present,in my adult mind and when I do that, I can do all my spiritual activities and rutines and make it from my heart. That's what I want and need.
Its like my therapist said. Now when I'm in contact with myself, I can use my adult, present state of mind, to make decisions. And I need to go through my life and look at my decisions I've made before and now do it again in my newly found energy. So I have much to do, and I need to do it slovly. I don't want to trigger my anxiety, and I don't want to go back to my old life, and I want to get my new life as soon as possible. I hate this, Its like walking on a rope between two buildings, one wrong step and I'm out.
If I go to fast forward, Its possible I fall back to my old life and do things only because someone else tells me it's the best, and I trust their judgement before my own. If I go to slowly it can make me drain my energy and result in "I do it when I feel better". Both things makes stressed and anxious. Witch us my biggest trigger.
I just want to be done now, and look to this period of life and say "I made it!"
But I still miss having a life, and friends to hang out with.
I know I need to set up some goals, I need something to look forward to, something who helps me achieve my dreams and goals in life. But right now, I don't have the energy to do that. I'm still splitted. I do know what I need to do, but it's not down in my heart, so I need to move it from "I should do..." to "i want to do..." or "I think I wanna do this fir it's the best for me and in line with my goals".
I still do many things in life because I've been told to do it.
Let me xplain. I'm religious, and been very active in my religion. My beliefs is Rock solid ! But my mental health makes me feel down. And I'm been trying to get this fixed, I been praying, attended meeting , read the bible daily, I'm been meditating , I've asked for advices. I did everything what people told me, and what I've read, but my depression, anxiety always came back and so did my addiction. And I did know I wouldnt do that. Now I understand I been addicted to sexual stimuli since I was little boy, and I've hot this chaser effect long time before I even know I had a problem.
I finally told someone in my congragation, and the result was that I got disfellowedshiped to make me think about my behaviour and also change my heart toward P. The thing us I already hate porn, and only time I did using was when I got the chaser effect , once a month. But in between I did as much as I could in my congregation. There us were my life wants to be and we're I want to build my future.
But right now, I'm not allowed to any religious activities. So my life is pretty empty, no activities, and no friends left. And the only way to come back, is to stop using P. To do that I need to have a better relationship with God. And to have a better relationship I need to keep my spiritual activities. But, I can't do like I did before. I did everything I should do, but not in the right energy, not with the right motive. I did things, because deep inside I do know it's the best, and I could show others I could do it. I need to stay present,in my adult mind and when I do that, I can do all my spiritual activities and rutines and make it from my heart. That's what I want and need.
Its like my therapist said. Now when I'm in contact with myself, I can use my adult, present state of mind, to make decisions. And I need to go through my life and look at my decisions I've made before and now do it again in my newly found energy. So I have much to do, and I need to do it slovly. I don't want to trigger my anxiety, and I don't want to go back to my old life, and I want to get my new life as soon as possible. I hate this, Its like walking on a rope between two buildings, one wrong step and I'm out.
If I go to fast forward, Its possible I fall back to my old life and do things only because someone else tells me it's the best, and I trust their judgement before my own. If I go to slowly it can make me drain my energy and result in "I do it when I feel better". Both things makes stressed and anxious. Witch us my biggest trigger.
I just want to be done now, and look to this period of life and say "I made it!"
mobilfreak
Active Member
Waking up to a new day with a craving for my friend. Want to cuddle with her.
She posted a pic on instagram that I took at her one day we were together, and she commented that it was a great summer and she always miss someone. It felt like she meant me. It was emotional to see the pic, she have told me she don't want to be close friends anymore, so we haven't talked for half a year. She sent me one email about her feelings this summer. And now she do this.
I do struggle, because what she been told me is that I need to think about my feelings towards her, she thinks I had a cruch on her, but I didn't. But how come it's okey for her to post that kind of pic, and say she misses me, but when I say I miss her I'm in love with her?
It's hurts my feelings, and this makes me feel sad, and anxious and that's my biggest trigger. I feel anxious because I listen to what other people say, and trust their judgment before my own. And I don't feel that I have a crush on her, I feel she is a good friend and one of few people u can hang out with and be yourself. She is the first one I felt I wanted to tell about my problems. And the first one I felt who listened to me. I have talked about things before, like for my wife, but I do that because I need to tell things for my wife, it's an unwritten law, to make the marriage strong. But with my friend I just live to lay on the back looking at the clouds and just talk.
Some people tell me it's an emotional affair and it because I watch P i fell like this. I don't know if its true. I been talking with my therapist about it, and we are both in the same though, I crave intimacy, I need love, someone who are with me. And that feeling have been all my life, and the feeling come from when I been abused.
I hope I can rewire all this feelings and get it right.
She posted a pic on instagram that I took at her one day we were together, and she commented that it was a great summer and she always miss someone. It felt like she meant me. It was emotional to see the pic, she have told me she don't want to be close friends anymore, so we haven't talked for half a year. She sent me one email about her feelings this summer. And now she do this.
I do struggle, because what she been told me is that I need to think about my feelings towards her, she thinks I had a cruch on her, but I didn't. But how come it's okey for her to post that kind of pic, and say she misses me, but when I say I miss her I'm in love with her?
It's hurts my feelings, and this makes me feel sad, and anxious and that's my biggest trigger. I feel anxious because I listen to what other people say, and trust their judgment before my own. And I don't feel that I have a crush on her, I feel she is a good friend and one of few people u can hang out with and be yourself. She is the first one I felt I wanted to tell about my problems. And the first one I felt who listened to me. I have talked about things before, like for my wife, but I do that because I need to tell things for my wife, it's an unwritten law, to make the marriage strong. But with my friend I just live to lay on the back looking at the clouds and just talk.
Some people tell me it's an emotional affair and it because I watch P i fell like this. I don't know if its true. I been talking with my therapist about it, and we are both in the same though, I crave intimacy, I need love, someone who are with me. And that feeling have been all my life, and the feeling come from when I been abused.
I hope I can rewire all this feelings and get it right.
mobilfreak
Active Member
Okey, so today is that kind of day. Again. My emotions and feelings are really messed up. I know that. When I'm lonely and sad, I want to PMO. But that's only a fake solution. I don't want any fake solutions, I want to feel well and be free from PMO!
So what do I do? I been texting my wife. She does not answer... I been mailing my there, he don't answer. I been thinking everything through, and come to this conclusion I need someone to talk to. That's what the feeling in me is, it's not PMO. But when those u can talk to don't answer it makes it more difficult. And then I miss my friend more, she always answered, she made me feel loved. She took time with me when I needed it and now she want to talk with me anymore... Maybe she wants, but she have decided that it's not good for us to be close friends. And I will respect that even if it's hard for me.
My phone are still silent. And it feels worse then ever. And I know that I cant do so much about it...
So what do I do? I been texting my wife. She does not answer... I been mailing my there, he don't answer. I been thinking everything through, and come to this conclusion I need someone to talk to. That's what the feeling in me is, it's not PMO. But when those u can talk to don't answer it makes it more difficult. And then I miss my friend more, she always answered, she made me feel loved. She took time with me when I needed it and now she want to talk with me anymore... Maybe she wants, but she have decided that it's not good for us to be close friends. And I will respect that even if it's hard for me.
My phone are still silent. And it feels worse then ever. And I know that I cant do so much about it...
stuart maxfield
Member
Its good to get support from people in your spot like me I'm resetting and looking to get to my 90 days. Its rough, I can feel the anxiety and the fog because my brain is so used to being super charged with dopamine. Arg, its frustrating and there doesn't seem to be any way through it but through it. The loneliness is tough. Its so easy to get overwhelmed and get right back into the PMO cycle. Really what needs to happen is I need to give it up so that my brain can adjust to reasonable levels.
I'm trying to hang in there, and maintain a positive attitude despite my emotions being crappy
I'm resetting and looking to get to my 90 days. Its rough, I can feel the anxiety and the fog because my brain is so used to being super charged with dopamine. Arg, its frustrating and there doesn't seem to be any way through it but through it. The loneliness is tough. Its so easy to get overwhelmed and get right back into the PMO cycle. Really what needs to happen is I need to give it up so that my brain can adjust to reasonable levels. I'm trying to hang in there, and maintain a positive attitude despite my emotions being crappy
mobilfreak
Active Member
Mr. Sunshine said:Its good to get support from people in your spot like me
I'm trying to hang in there, and maintain a positive attitude despite my emotions being crappy
Great decision to reset and go for 90 days! I believe u can make it!
I dont know if its the dopamine or if its my anxiety who kick start my PMO. Either way, i feel better, when I can manage the anxiety, the best is when its completely all gone. As it was today, after having the thinking-cap on during my workday i got to one point, I am okey as i am, and those who dont like it, is not my problem. The key seems for me to remind me that i shall not tell myself Im worse then others. I need positive self-talk. I hope u will manage it to and come through the lonliness, and hope u can do it but changing bad habits to good habits. WE cant just quit, we need to fill the emptiness with something else.
mobilfreak
Active Member
Day 14 today. Was amazing today, for some hours i was back int that feeling from the first 39 days. I was completely free from anxiety and i felt alive. I felt like I was worth as much as everyone else. and that helps me enormous, because my general mood is "Im not okay - everyone else is okay". In back to that feeling again, after i found out a friend blocked me on facebook. I immediately dropped back to "im not okay" based on other people opinions. I know it in my brain, but not in my heart yet. Haha. Why should other people opinions rule my life?????? Well i know why i feel like that, because thats what my mom always did and still do. And thats how i was raised. And now i start to see it and want to change...
Ive set some reward to my goals so i can focus better
30days free from PMO and P-subs = 1 new videogame
60days free from PMO and P-subs = Fine dinning at the hotel
90days free from PMO and P-subs = Asus Gtx 1090 Strix GPU
Ps. I closed two deals today, one single order at 2500$ and one residual montly at 1300$. ITs great to be your own!
Ive set some reward to my goals so i can focus better
30days free from PMO and P-subs = 1 new videogame
60days free from PMO and P-subs = Fine dinning at the hotel
90days free from PMO and P-subs = Asus Gtx 1090 Strix GPU
Ps. I closed two deals today, one single order at 2500$ and one residual montly at 1300$. ITs great to be your own!
stuart maxfield
Member
nice work! so easy to let fears or others opinions determine self worth. Running from a sense of worthlessness or from the feeling of just not being enough sure adds momentum to PMO. Anyway good catch. I'm feeling a little better today, still kind of lonely and empty but the light is going a little. I suppose thats all I can hope for is incremental growth.
mobilfreak
Active Member
16 days now! I'm still present and staring to actually enjoy life... And that's scary, it was really long time ago.
I talked with my therapist about a memory from a summer when I was around 12. And that summer I felt so good! I was free. And I start to feel the same now. I wanted to know what's the key for both this times. And I found out I was alone, and no one could hurt me. I do have social anxiety, because of my sad childhood. That summer I remembered, I was almost alone the whole summer at my grandparents. No one could hurt me.
And now, its pretty much the same... When I feel good and need to work and deal with people, I feel bad right away.
It's great to feel that being me is Okey, and that's what's makes quiting PMO easy. As long as I stay in this state of mind. PMO is not an issue at all. I don't even think about it.
I need to listen to my body more and take care of it better. It's not selfish to listen to your body. It's self awareness!
When my kindness over other people, wanting to help them with their sorrows, become more important than my own health, I begin to feel sad, anxious and become depressed and self medicate with PMO.
It great to see where everything starts. I've been looking for that since 2010. Why do I feel this? Have been the big question, and now I know and I also have tools to use for better health.
16 days is so amazing right now. Or u could say its 60 days with only 2 small slips, and that's to awesome. From using 4 times a week....
I talked with my therapist about a memory from a summer when I was around 12. And that summer I felt so good! I was free. And I start to feel the same now. I wanted to know what's the key for both this times. And I found out I was alone, and no one could hurt me. I do have social anxiety, because of my sad childhood. That summer I remembered, I was almost alone the whole summer at my grandparents. No one could hurt me.
And now, its pretty much the same... When I feel good and need to work and deal with people, I feel bad right away.
It's great to feel that being me is Okey, and that's what's makes quiting PMO easy. As long as I stay in this state of mind. PMO is not an issue at all. I don't even think about it.
I need to listen to my body more and take care of it better. It's not selfish to listen to your body. It's self awareness!
When my kindness over other people, wanting to help them with their sorrows, become more important than my own health, I begin to feel sad, anxious and become depressed and self medicate with PMO.
It great to see where everything starts. I've been looking for that since 2010. Why do I feel this? Have been the big question, and now I know and I also have tools to use for better health.
16 days is so amazing right now. Or u could say its 60 days with only 2 small slips, and that's to awesome. From using 4 times a week....
mobilfreak
Active Member
It's not over yet. Still feel little numb. Saw one old friend on instagram posing in her bikini. I needed to shut down the app...
I curious about the feeling after the reboot is complete. Some of you talk about how u quit obejctify women. I found my self being able to stop that the very first day that October I told my self to get rid of this addiction for good. I was in a state of mind transactional analysis call "the free Child".
I been noticing that when I reach that state, I look at girls without being aroused, I even don't notice them. I even getting disgusted when I see girls posing and wanting to get attention from there looks. But when I loose that feeling and come back to my "normal" me, I see girls everywhere and I love them for looking and smiling at me. And get aroused very fast. Like a teenager.
Still no PMO or P-Subs tho. 17 days now! Whop whop
I curious about the feeling after the reboot is complete. Some of you talk about how u quit obejctify women. I found my self being able to stop that the very first day that October I told my self to get rid of this addiction for good. I was in a state of mind transactional analysis call "the free Child".
I been noticing that when I reach that state, I look at girls without being aroused, I even don't notice them. I even getting disgusted when I see girls posing and wanting to get attention from there looks. But when I loose that feeling and come back to my "normal" me, I see girls everywhere and I love them for looking and smiling at me. And get aroused very fast. Like a teenager.
Still no PMO or P-Subs tho.
17 days now! Whop whopmobilfreak
Active Member
Woke up with a great urge to PMO. Just wanna give up on this.
It's so much easier to not fight the inner demons...
Need to remember why I started this journey, and need to focus on what bad things it bring to my life.
It's so much easier to not fight the inner demons...
Need to remember why I started this journey, and need to focus on what bad things it bring to my life.
mobilfreak
Active Member
Been an awful day today. No PMO! But I'm so far away from feeling good. I'm like a zombie, the brain have shut down... or the emotions, or something. It don't work....
mobilfreak
Active Member
I'm stuck in this terrible feeling. Can trace it back to when I was around 8 years old. Same thoughts of loneliness and why no one wants me...
Still no PMO thou...
Still no PMO thou...
mobilfreak
Active Member
I fell asleep 5 pm and dreamed about feeling anxious. Woke up at 9pm, thought I had slept through the night first. The anxiety is better.
I notice that I get so tired when I think about all my feelings. I can't do anything. I don't have any hobbies. I have plenty off stuff I need to do and deeply want to do. But I'm to tired.
On my free time I try to do those things I need to do for a better health, like eating and take a shower. It's so hard, I can't manage it because all my energy goes on battling my inner demons. I'm exhausted.
I notice that I get so tired when I think about all my feelings. I can't do anything. I don't have any hobbies. I have plenty off stuff I need to do and deeply want to do. But I'm to tired.
On my free time I try to do those things I need to do for a better health, like eating and take a shower. It's so hard, I can't manage it because all my energy goes on battling my inner demons. I'm exhausted.
mobilfreak
Active Member
I just wanna give up
mobilfreak
Active Member
My reasons to make this getting weaker and weaker. I don't have a strong "why" enough. Right now I just wanna make it to the 90 days, so I can tell myself I did it.
Its like when I wanted to loose weight after I gained a lot while eating antidepressants. I lost 22 kg in 10 month, had a new life, and I celebrated with a big pizza.
The "why" and goal need to be stronger and bigger. Like, I will never go back to PMO. It's not an option, it ruins my life. But right now I just feel like, whatever, I will die anyway...
Its like when I wanted to loose weight after I gained a lot while eating antidepressants. I lost 22 kg in 10 month, had a new life, and I celebrated with a big pizza.
The "why" and goal need to be stronger and bigger. Like, I will never go back to PMO. It's not an option, it ruins my life. But right now I just feel like, whatever, I will die anyway...
mobilfreak
Active Member
I have nothing to to, to change the habit with.
Well I have, but all things are wrapped up with my anxiety, and feels like things imust do, not really want to. Things I know I want to do when I feel better, but right now just make feel bad.
Have no motivation to do anything, even not to take me out of this emotions. I just hate life, I m sad for I don't miss my wife, I'm happier alone. I'm sad for missing my friend who don't want to talk with me. I'm sad for I don't can make my life work.
I feel like it's better to end it.
And the I remind myself of that feeling in October, when I decided to commite suicide. How I felt alive that moment to and belived in me, and changed my mind.
I hate having this problems in my head, I hate that I got this because of my childhood traumas. I hate that I need to take care of things someone else layed on my shoulders. I need to do something about some else wrongdoing. Why me?
Its the wrong question, have made therapist told me. It's not my fault, its has nothing to do with me. It's not that I'm less then any other person, and that's why I got these problems. Im not bad, I'm been part of bad stuff.
Sometimes I want to get my memories back, so I can confront him/her. So I can put the weight over on the right person and don't feel like crazy. I feel like crazy, because I just have these small fraction of memories and some strange events in life that points all to the same thing, some sort of sexuall abuse. But I can't remember the actual abuse, so I feel like I'm messed up, no one belives me, people tell me to forget, to let it go. And I do, but in some short amount of time I'm back depressed, anxious and in the feelings I just left, without any visible reason.
Sometimes I just someone to talk with, someone I could trust. I had my friend, but she left me. And i never felt that feeling with my wife. That's why I feel so lonley.
Well I have, but all things are wrapped up with my anxiety, and feels like things imust do, not really want to. Things I know I want to do when I feel better, but right now just make feel bad.
Have no motivation to do anything, even not to take me out of this emotions. I just hate life, I m sad for I don't miss my wife, I'm happier alone. I'm sad for missing my friend who don't want to talk with me. I'm sad for I don't can make my life work.
I feel like it's better to end it.
And the I remind myself of that feeling in October, when I decided to commite suicide. How I felt alive that moment to and belived in me, and changed my mind.
I hate having this problems in my head, I hate that I got this because of my childhood traumas. I hate that I need to take care of things someone else layed on my shoulders. I need to do something about some else wrongdoing. Why me?
Its the wrong question, have made therapist told me. It's not my fault, its has nothing to do with me. It's not that I'm less then any other person, and that's why I got these problems. Im not bad, I'm been part of bad stuff.
Sometimes I want to get my memories back, so I can confront him/her. So I can put the weight over on the right person and don't feel like crazy. I feel like crazy, because I just have these small fraction of memories and some strange events in life that points all to the same thing, some sort of sexuall abuse. But I can't remember the actual abuse, so I feel like I'm messed up, no one belives me, people tell me to forget, to let it go. And I do, but in some short amount of time I'm back depressed, anxious and in the feelings I just left, without any visible reason.
Sometimes I just someone to talk with, someone I could trust. I had my friend, but she left me. And i never felt that feeling with my wife. That's why I feel so lonley.
mobilfreak
Active Member
Still been a terrible day... Feel so low... Been in bed all day. Chatting with people... I don't want to go out, but I have to. I need to work.
I couldnt sleep tonight. I was chatting with peopl instead... I know I should have tale care of my anxiety. But I could, I was so sad. I was not presence.
I have still not eat any breakfast today. It's 16.18 now.
I need to take a shower... I had that as a goal yesterday, but I did t make it.
Still not PMO or P-subs thou!
20 days and counting!
I couldnt sleep tonight. I was chatting with peopl instead... I know I should have tale care of my anxiety. But I could, I was so sad. I was not presence.
I have still not eat any breakfast today. It's 16.18 now.
I need to take a shower... I had that as a goal yesterday, but I did t make it.
Still not PMO or P-subs thou!
20 days and counting!
mobilfreak
Active Member
Better today. But still bad
No PMO, that's great
21 days...
No PMO, that's great
21 days...