Today im been playing games and just trying to not to occupy my brain with technology. I feel like I am just below the surface, i just need to push myself a little in the right direction. I have so much to talk about and need to take care of, and thats why i feel so low. its so much unsolved things on my shoulders. After i finished the game, I started spotify, and tried to come in contact with my emotins. Some tears was making my eyes wet, and i felt like i need to let go. but i couldnt...
I was staring and my wife started to ask me about what she could do. She are like a flight steward, "can I get u a coffee? a blanket? a hug?" i reminded her about the talk we had with the therapist about that and smiled. She smiled back and then started to listen instead. Now we been talking for a couple of hours and it feels better. I have not cried yet, dont know if i need to either. probably i do indeed need
During our talk she unconsciously took her foot and touched my knee. I am an emotional being and noticed it immediately, i did ask her what she was feeling. And she didnt know. I told her to stop touching me and at the same time look inwards to see if she can recognize the feeling. (It was not that i didnt want her to touch me, it was just interesting) she laugh and said she felt uncomfortable now when I made her conscious about it. She said she felt safe and if she would let go, she would feel empty, alone and cold.
It was that i wanted to hear and talk about, I asked her about that feeling. If that feeling only was meant for girlfriend and boyfriend relationships. Is that love? She told me no. And finally i could explain for her what i felt for my close friend and what i been trying to explain for her. My mentors told me that feeling was love, I did protest, but they said i wouldn't trust my heart on this one, it can be deceive-full. Because of my anxiety and life experiences, I did listen to them more than to my own feelings, and started to say to myself that my feelings are wrong, and i should not have that kind of feelings. But at the same time I have been felt like I was working against nature and making me more depressed. It made me happy to have someone understand, and even better it was my wife. She told me that my relationship with my friend was not wrong, my feelings for her was ok. But probably my friend have not been straight and honest with her feelings. I have tried to explain this kind of feelings before for my friend, because i have never felt it before. I tried my best to explain what i meant and at the same time make sure she understood it was not love. Well my friend took it like love anyways, sadly.
I can see that because of my dads problems with alcohol and his lack of giving me protection, and my mom who herself felt alone, empty and cold during my childhood, couldn't give me those feelings. It felt good to have someone to understand. My therapist have been supportive from day one, and have also seen the same thing. But its not the same thing having your therapist support you as when a close friend or family member really doing it.
i still not have that urge for porn. I get some thoughts about it sometimes, but i manage to not let them stay in my head, and I dont want them either. But i still dont have so much motivation to do things in life...
I have two things I wanna do, and need to do.
1. The How? The What? The Why?
2. Read a book
I need to take time to sit down, peacefully and meditate over "Why do I wanna live?" and "Why am I doing Nofap?" "Why do I want to travel? or be a Christian?" ans so on. I have already done this before in my life, but now when I am in new stage of life, I need to make new decisions about the things i earlier decided to do. Its like when i was around 12 years old, one day i just looked at my walls, and saw all those posters. I remember how i thought to myself. "What? its a little kid who live in here, im not a little kid!" and i started to take them down. The decision was pretty easy for me then. But all those things in life i have now? wow... Its definitely not the same thing. Things i have done for all my life, who is a part of me, i need to throw away. And i need to be assure its the right thing i throw away. I dont talk about NoFap now, thats thing is gone from life. But these others things in my head who are attached to my anxiety...
I need to read books. Books i want to read and making me walk in the right direction. I do read the bible daily, and i do know its good for me. And i do it even when i dont feel like it, i dont want to mess up my routine... It like when u decide to go to the gym. If you only would show up at the gym the days u had time over, or the days u had energy. It wouldn't help u to much. IT better to be at the gym and do some half hearted exercises then non at all. One day you will tell yourself, i need to step up, i need to make a decision, really exercise or quit the gym. Its hard thou to quit the gym, because u know it makes u feel better in the long run. Thats how i feel right now with my beliefs, deep down in my heart i really do know whats best for me and i do know what to do, but i dont have the motivation. And thats probably because i forgot "the why?" somewhere. I know i need to find it again, and when i do, i need to hold tight to it an never let go.
I have done this trip before, its just that i dont have that strong fences who are protecting me when it get windy in life, i loose the grip easily and keep going on strength even when i lost "the why". I do it for long period of times and get lowly and depressed. I need to get up again and make better protection against other peoples opinions and keep my head in the game. I need to stop be the "strong" one, and keep my mind on "the why" thats motivates me and make life enjoy-full!
It feels better now im on my way....
Its 32 days now, last time i made it to 39. I have made some changes since last time, and ive got better support from wife now. So it feels like i will make it. Its also been 72 days since i started Nofap for real, and only had one small slip. Even if its not been "all clean" its waaaaay better then 4 times a week like it was before i took the decision. even if i did restart my counter that day, i now see it as a whole journey, and 72 days is really good, and have done some serious changes in my brain, even if i cant see it, and even if most anxiety is still there, its better.
Yesterday we saw "love actually", it was some triggers in that movie, i didnt have any urge do PMO thou, and i didnt saw it as P-subs either. And when Natalie kissed the prime minster at the end of the movie, i was sitting there smiling from ear to ear. When i noticed, i felt so good to be able to enjoy a movie for real.
Over and out!
