day 2.
During my work today i come to a conclusion. A great one, and it made me feel calm and be presence... I read in the book yesterday about detachment, anxiety and control. When a codependent person feel anxious, we need to look around in our lives and see whom we are trying to control, and how that person are controlling us. I found out that i have been controlled by my wife for years, and she, what i hope for, probably done unconsciously.
how does it work? the book took one example from an alcoholic family, but the principle is the same everywhere. I, as a codependent, feel like i need to take care of and rescue people i love from what ever mistakes they do. A codependent person have difficulties to let people handle their own problems, and thats because codependent persons ofter feel much pain, they wont other people to feel the same.
I am a calm person and i really dont get stressed for much. I do get stressed about relationships, but not for anything else, give me anything to do, and i will make it without any stress. Even when its emergency, i dont stress, i keep calm and handle the stuff nice and clean. My wife.... well shes the opposite. She quit her job, because she was to stressed about getting fired. It is true, she been working at the same company for one year, and she been promoted to the office, she still thought she was doing bad, and that she was the next one to get fired. I , as a rescuer, calmed her and comforted her every day and week for one year, and told her she dont need to be worried, they do like her and she doing a great job. One day, she could handle it, and she quit... When she was calm we talked about it, and her brain was now functional, she realized that she was so busy thinking about getting fired that it was her own thought who got her stressed, not the job itself.
well as i am a rescuer, and i do have my own company, i said i will find a job for her, and i did. A great job, only working 2 hours per day for 60$. when the time was to start her new job, the stress was coming again, and she thought she would not be able to keep the job. She made me to come and work together with her, so she could be calm. and i as nice as I am, did it.
This is the real problem in my life... that i take care of peoples emotions and problems like they are my own. I dont do it because i really want to, i do it because i dont want her to be stressed, because when my wife i stressed, i get depressed. The thing is... my wife do not work on the problem herself, she rely on the comfort from me... and when i do get depressed for real, she start to control me, and do stuff... not because she really loves me, but rather because she need that comfort in her life for her stress she cant handle for herself.
Because i cant help her get rid of the stress, my anxiety keeps bulids up and ends with PMO. My PMO is an obsessive compulsive and have nothing to do with my libido or sex. I could have been self harming or using any other thing to relive the anxiety and pain. I do have some problems with the food and i try to get control in life by eating less.
I read a great thing in the book, a person with pneumonia cant stop cough until he/she finds the cure for the illness. like an alcoholic (or other person with obsessive compulsive) cant stop their behavior until they find the underlying reason and the cure for their pain and illness. I have found out, that if i stop PMO. I drink. If i stop drink, i use chatrooms, if i stop using chatrooms, i play games, if i stop playgames, i do something else. I just change one thing for another... and thats obvious, because its more under the skin. PMO is only the result and the problem is codependency, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and low self-love. PMO or non of the other things makes any better in my life, when I do it in manner of obsessive compulsive. But when i am in control withmy life and feelings, i enjoy food, games, drinks, love my wife and so on, and i reallt dont want any PMO in my life at all.
so the key for me is to focus on not being controlled by other people.
