Committing to Reboot

[gazz]

Cheers mate Think things are getting clearer and I'm getting closer to forming into the person I want to be

enjoying the 'hackbook' I mentioned a couple of posts ago. it's taking me a while as reading on my computer is a challenge (obviously guys like us shouldn't be staring at computer screens all evening).Sure, it's covering stuff I know (so far) - how much time in my life have I wasted? how many times did I not really show up or be my authentic self? how much money has it cost me because i'm not doing tasks I should? (goodness - that last one scares me)

But it's all really hitting home. I think identifying that 'do nothingism' is just as much my enemy as P is a big step forward, and i'm ready to hear this stuff. Will try to find an hour today to get in some more reading.

 

[gazz]

Another clean day in the bag 

An early start in the morning, and though I cant exercise much because of an injury, i'm doing a daily yoga sequence which i'm finding quite a challenge - feels good to be doing this daily and having some kind of exercise streak going. Weather brightening in the UK too - actually had a WARM DAY yesterday - felt great.

with a clear head and a heart full of gratitude for the amazing things in life (now that PA isn't screwing up my reward system), the slow but sure progress i'm making in my work and creative endeavours feels so rewarding.

I'm enjoying the advice 'hackbook' http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=11997.0
Last bit I read is about stress. How P makes our comfort bubble so small that every small thing in life can stress us and put us in a panic. so we want to stay in the P world. the trouble with that is the P world isn't really stress free. we know deep inside that P is wrong, we're ashamed of it and would hate for people and loved ones to know about our habit/ addiction. and as we become numb to the P we watched in the past and seek stronger porn - this is a big stress on our hearts too. so we watch more P because we think it relaxes us and helps with the stress!...

I'm really feeling my urges fade as I read these truths.

 

[gazz]

Had an awesome weekend - full of energy, doing rewarding things and really making things happen for me this year.

I was a teen when my family got cable and I first discovered its delights after midnight. ever since I labelled myself a 'tired guy' and never had any motivation or energy.

10 years ago I discovered P-tubes and my life has been stagnant in so many ways since. I wish I could go back and warn myself of what was happening - all that lost time and destroyed relationships. Well, I have to transmute that regret and turn it into the motivation I need today. who knew something so silly could be so serious??

 

[anhaedra]

I feel like that exactly. I was moved reading this.

However, sometimes I have doubts. Find it hard to believe quitting porn can improve your life so much, on so many levels. There have been days or moments during my reboot so far that had me feel delighted, special even. But they have been rare. Most of the time it's just same shit, different day.

I'm not the kind of guy that spends his entire weekend doing good stuff. Helping people, being a saint. It's just not who I am. No reboot is ever going to change that.

I dunno, man.

 

[Firstbigstep]

Hi Gazz,

I can relate to the last post in this thread - anhaedra hits a number of nails on the head for me.

I certainly feel more prepared to look the world in the eye than at any point in my porn usage years. It's a bit like the classic song "Walk tall, walk straight and look the world right in the eye!" Some days I feel like I've defeated the worst challenge I've ever faced, and in many respects I think I have. On those days, I feel ivincible.

Other days, I feel lonely, discouraged, tempted, low, broken. I look back on the trail of devastation my porn habit has left in my wake and I feel like shit. It's hard to then break out of the slump. This weekend has very much been like that. Facing some health issues of my own certainly doesn't help.

Still, I soldier on - I hope I'll find a bit more resolve and drag myself out of this particular rut.

Good luck with your reboot - it's really encouraging to read of your successes.

 

[gazz]

Cheers guys.

Sorry to hear about your challenges Bigstep, you know if these challenges came up in the past when you were PMOing, they would only be that much more difficult to deal with.

?Find it hard to believe quitting porn can improve your life so much, on so many levels.?

I don?t know either as I?m hacking away in a forest myself I hate it when times are rough. Hell, my last relapse was triggered cos I wanted to escape the annoying symptoms of a cold. But now I?m at least enjoying the good/ easy times ? time off work/ sunshine / being with the wife ? and I wasn?t achieving that simple aspect of life while in the cycle of addiction.

I don?t know if life will magically improve once you quit PMO; maybe you have to do that yourself-work on improving your life. Thing is I didn?t have the motivation or inclination to do anything about it while I spent my energies PMOing. Now I simply see what I want and work towards it, like most people who don?t act like addicts. But hey, I?ve only been in this game a few months.

The hack book has so many good points ? I?d recommend it to all. I?d love to break down a lot of what it says but it was a pain reading it all on a phone, so I didn?t set myself that task. (http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=11997.0)

The main crux of it at the moment is ? withdrawals aren?t so bad if we leave ?feeling deprived? behind. I have difficult withdrawals when I think of the ?amazing relaxing energizing buzzing hit? of PMOing. But PMOing isn?t those things ? it directly causes me depression, cos when it?s over I realise I was reaching for something that wasn?t there, and you?re never satisfied, etc. It exhausts me and gives me a painful brainfog... So what are you feeling deprived about? If you?re feeling deprived, then you?re ?jealous? of all the guys on the forum who are in the chains of the cycle and who desperately want a way out.

 

[believe]

Yes gazz, your life magically improves when you quit PMOing.

The only thing is, trust my sentence, until the results will show in front of your face, but you need patience and trust.

I have been there a few times, before screwing up everything again for the nth-times and starting all over again, and being there rebooted and energized feels like being at the top of the mountain. But results won't appear fast, so you need to keep going through rough and sometimes even confusing periods in order to get to free-land or betterlife-land.

Everything will disappear, brainfog and withdrawals will be gone forever, just allow your body and brain to be restored as you have been affecting them for so many time. In this process feel blessed and grateful that our body is so amazing that it even allows us to go back to normality if we give them enough time.

Keep going, never look back!

 

[gazz]

Thanks Believe.

I should have said all that myself.

Of course! ...Everything is amazing when we?re out of the addiction cycle. For one thing, I don?t act like an addict. I?m not angry at the world because it isn?t like a porno, I?m not irritable with people when I can?t get what I want immediately, I?m not angry at my wife if she doesn?t feel like having sex (and yet I was the one who mostly didn't feel like sex, so how unjust was that?!)

There?s all the sciency stuff ? porn changes our brains! We?re flooding it with god knows how much more dopamine than it can handle. We screw up out reward centres so nothing feels rewarding. P numbs me to people and my relationships and saps my energy and motivation

Etc etc etc .................

I?m coming to the end of the hackbook (http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=11997.0), and it has blown my mind. It makes the great point which fits into what I was saying above. P isn?t a pleasure. It is an addiction. Our brains react to it like it does to hard drugs. We think we?re receiving pleasure, but all we?re really getting is relief from the withdrawals from finishing our last session. We?re just trying to get to a place where we?re not feeling that stress. Non PMOers call that ?normal?.

I urgently recommend the hackbook to everyone. A very clever writer has adapted Allen Carr?s famous ?how to stop smoking? method. I can?t give away too much, because reading the book is a process in itself. This humble helpful man has written it all out and put it on this forum for free ? I feel like it should be a bestseller. I started reading the original ?non smoking? guide last night though I?m a non smoker, just cos I felt so excited and such a change in myself.

 

[harpoon]

Hi Gazz. Thanks for the advice on the hackbook I like what you said above - "...all we are getting is relief from the withdrawals" so true.

 

[gazz]

Cheers mate! 

So yesterday was my 90 days milestone. I relapsed for a couple of days around the 2 month mark and decided to get back on the wagon and push to 90 days instead of starting again at 0. I didn?t go down the ?chaser? road like I have on previous relapses. the relapse was a horrible experience ? a ?perfect? last time really. I believe I?ve left PA behind for good. It?s not a ?bad habit?, it?s a horrible addiction to a drug. I have no reason to go back.

Things are that clear for me now. It?s been a long journey. 3 key moments in the journey for me were:

1. Doing the www.curethecraving.com course ?about improving yourself, starting to do things like meditate, have a better diet, practice yoga (perfect at my age where proper exercise usually injures me!), being peaceful and enjoying nature. Now I was ready and equipped to...

2. Join the forum and read the William thread ? about the nature of and drowning out this addiction ? being on the forum and connecting to a lot of people/ sharing ideas and support is a big part of that. the forum was a good go-to place instead of my favourite P websites. Watched all the nofap academy videos too ? lots of good advice.

3. Reading the hackbook (http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=11997.0) based on Allen Carr?s popular quit smoking method ? now I accept that I won?t go back, so stop missing the addiction, because doubts/ feeling sorry for myself/ being negative about ?losing? PMO (as if it?s a good thing) creates difficult ?pangs? (withdrawals or urges).

At the moment I'm just reading Allen Carr literature (some good vids on YouTube too) - because I see so many parallels between porn and cigarettes - both a harmful 'habit' (actually an addiction) that we're consuming against our own will, that our intellect knows we should drop

 

[blackdragonsdg]

Congratz on your 90 day milestone.

 

[gazz]

cheers mate!

Things are going well, I'm not counting clean days, and not getting urges ? which is almost scary, as I?ve related my self to seeing almost everything in life sexually for my entire adult life. I learned that PMO is an addiction, there is nothing pleasurable about addition, addictions have to be dropped, there?s no haggling with something you have no control over. I?ve been reading the YBOP website (quite hard to read as there are so many links in each article to other articles!). Stuff I kinda knew, but it blows the mind ? P causes brain changes. BRAIN CHANGES! by watching porn we are creating another, shittier version of ourselves.

Anyway, I wanted to write a journal post cos I was decluttering old diaries ? have about 10 years worth in a drawer. Goodness. 10 years of PA entries. the same shit, almost every day for 10 years! ?I?m so depressed! I?ve been P binging! I have to get myself together. I?ve had 2 good days... damn, I relapsed!  I?m so depressed!........?

I had no idea things were so bad for so long and I just wish I could go back and help this guy out who?s been suffering for so long.

The last ?urge? I had recently was a little voice saying, ?No one's around! why don't we do that little pleasure trip? It?s no big deal?. It?s amazing to think this ?no big deal? voice has caused us so much suffering for so long. I?m about to throw all the diaries out, feels like a nice way to start this new happy lifestyle I?ve acquired.

 

[Web100]

"by watching porn we are creating another, shittier version of ourselves" well said!! no truer word spoken . That's the truth of this whole thing in a nut shell.

Congrats on your progress, obviously you struggled for a long time before eventually having this success. Great to see!!

 

[gazz]

Thanks mate! I'm glad to see your counter suggests you're doing better than you sounded on your last journal entry.

What were your thoughts on The hackbook? It was a big influence for me- I wish I could turn more people onto it but I don't want to sing about 'The Answer' to PA. Of course, it's not 'The Answer', we can always choose to go back if we choose to; battling against our own brain is a tricky business! Of course it's not perfect - you can sense the writer is experimenting with the idea. Nicotine leaves the body in a few days, and withdrawals from P induced dopamine hits are a little different. I actually went on to read the original 'Allen Carr - quit smoking' and it seemed to work perfectly - so relevant to porn addiction. nicotine is an addictive poison that does nothing for us, just as porn is a poison for the brain that destroys our lives.

 

[Web100]

I thought the book was a very interesting read. I loved that it wasn't the typical scare factor of deltafos b on the brain etc.. more like the reason we PMO is to relieve the pangs of the previous session. It really made a lot of sense.

My favourite part was the cold sore analogy. Where you keep using the cream to try to heal the cold sore and the cold sore just keeps grow all over your face. So one day you find out that the cause of the cold sore is actually the cream you are using. all you need to to do to heal yourself from this horrific situation is stop using the cream. If you stop using the cream, in a relatively short period of time you will be healed for the rest of your life. You'd stop using the cream right?

That's the reality for us too.
All we need to do to cure ourselves from this lifelong disease is stop using p

I know what you mean about not wanting to sing about "the answer " to PA.. I think we all know there's no magic bullet,  but I would also highly recommend anyone here to read it

 

[gazz]

I've been a going a good long time without PMOing. I don't count the days anymore. Maybe it's +90 days. After a lot of work and reading, the final piece of the puzzle was the hackbook (http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=11997.0) based on Allen Carr?s popular quit smoking method. A big part of that is realise PMO is simply brain-poison and to vow you won't PMO again. When you get weak and think, 'maybe I could,' that creates a tug of war in your brain, then urges begin... then it's hell trying not to PMO, or it's the hell of PMO'ing. So it's been weeks of feeling eerily fine. I've not been on the forum much, and I don't think about PMOing or sex or nofap much. I'm able to think about other things, but I know it's all there in the dark recesses of my mind, so I stay focused on life, healthy habits, love and work (knowing the longer the distance between me and PMO, the more my brain rewires). Just read these two lines from another thread and they fit me perfectly:

The reboot and nofap kind of liberated me from this oversized, omnipresent monster which controlled my mind for so long.

After 3 months I stopped my journal and I stopped counting days and stuff. I started to focus on life instead on the reboot. It helped me to normalize the reboot.

Anyway, problem is, the wife is going away for a couple of days and leaving me home alone. I work at home which means I only work if I choose to. The stupid thought entered my mind - you could relapse. Just letting that thought back in starts the tug of war and suddenly I feel sick and nervous. I managed to talk back to that tempted voice - relapsing means all that bad shit that goes with unzipping your fly and going into a pixel trance. just wanted to get back on the forum for these difficult days coming up. healthy habits! healthy life! a life free from being a wanker!

 

[David Albert]

Hey there, I think you have captured the essence of all this process so well, I admire you 

I, myself, am in a similar place to yours and I hope we continue on this road of living our lives in a healthy manner and not feel like we are in recovery forever. Being able to get out of recovery is just as important, if not more important, than the recovery itself.

Great work, keep it up ! 

P.S. so much power and wake up call in this sentence : "a life free from being a wanker!"

 

[gazz]

Cheers David! That means a lot coming from someone with such an inspiring thread. I got through the time alone will ample opportunity and that feels great.


Grass has grown over the addictive pathways and though I was worried, the thought of P didn?t even do much for me. I guess I've rewired the brain and the brain it accepts the truth now that P is poison. I won?t get complacent ? this is the trickiest enemy. But damn i'm happy about this progress.

 

[blackdragonsdg]

After 3 months I stopped my journal and I stopped counting days and stuff. I started to focus on life instead on the reboot. It helped me to normalize the reboot.

That just makes so much sense. Normalizing the reboot by just living life. That is truly inspirational. Thanks for posting that Gazz.

 

[gazz]

Cheers mate,

It's a strange feeling, having drowned the beast somewhat. I can walk around and don't want to undress every woman I see. It feels weird and like I'm missing something. I'm getting older too, and it feels sad to be letting go of an immature part of me. But this is the natural way. Normally people let go of being a horny teenager in their youth. P makes us guys in our 30s no different to a horny teen. It's strange to realise we should grow out being so sexually obsessed, but the dark place that P has taken us to means we must do our best to drown the beast with months of conscious sobriety, and accept becoming an adult and getting older! Anyway, getting older is realising life is deeper than physical sensations and shallow kicks, it's about appreciating deeper, more important things.