Committing to Reboot

[gazz]

P addict for 10 years and I?ve hit one of those rock bottom moments where I feel I have to do something about it. My health is suffering as I choose P over exercise. I?ve screwed up areas of my life as I hide in a room and M whenever a challenge arises. This month I screwed up a work opportunity because I spent all my time watching P. This was really a wakeup call. I didn?t realise how big a problem it was. I just thought, yes, this is a problem, but it won?t be part of my life in the future. But here I am, 10 years later (you could call it my anniversary  ), and 36 y/o. Flipping hell. So here I am, determined that today is day 1 of the rest of my life without P.

 

[ipamn]

good luck!

 

[gazz]

Time for an update. It's been a week of no PMO/ MO. It was easy enough. Getting started usually is - all that enthusiasm and motivation after hitting that rock bottom moment that made you want to do the reboot. a couple of days since, i'm feeling so so tired - could hardly move yesterday, not much interest in anything, a heavy depression, and even despair. I'm not going to overthink all these negative feelings - I'll just let them pass. I'm giving up porn - a mood balancer I've been using for 10 years, so this isn't surprising. Been reading NP stuff on the internet, and loads of stuff in this forum - it's a good place to be. Coming out of the porn watching world, it's good to have another go-to place. so many people here going through the same thing, it's a perfect place to spend my time.

I realise I don't go out much. home life with wife is very comfortable. I want to change this and see friends more - though Christmas is a busy season for everyone and I might have to wait a while on that front.

Had a strong urge yesterday and I would have relapsed but I had Freedom - an internet blocker - on. porn blockers are all very well, but i'm a ninja at getting round them. Freedom blocks the internet altogether. I read an article about how turning the internet off like this is a healthy thing. it's true, internet is a distraction, and we internet surf without a goal a lot of the time. if you don't use the internet most of the time, you can note down what you want to do when you are online. I read that when we don't have a precise internet goal and surf aimlessly, that's when we can start floating into trigger happy parts of the web. So when I was ready to relapse yesterday, the internet was OFF, there was nothing I could do, and the feeling passed. eventually. I have to be so diligent with this.

as for the low feelings, I'm focused on gratitude for basic positives in my life - food, shelter, love. Life really is as simple as that. feeling better already. didn't think I had anything to say, but turned into a bit of a rant!

 

[gazz]

Two weeks! (of hell  ) of no PMO

I remind myself, a reason I?m giving up porn is the emotions it makes me feel. This passage sums it up perfectly: ?leaves you feeling empty and worthless, porn blunts the senses, and stops you appreciating the subtleties of life. it is a way of numbing or escaping certain situations, but like other addictions, it never delivers, cos the more you view, the more you want to view, and the more extreme stuff you seek out. it has a negative hypnotic effect, grabbing and keeping your attention locked, til you wake up from the porn trance, feeling exhausted and miserable, your self esteem destroyed.?

I?m enjoying the nofap academy videos and posting in this forum daily ? a go-to place (2 go-to places!). 1 nofap video talks about learning from relapses, not despairing over them. I have despaired at relapse. How can I succeed at something I always fail at? His advice is to change the method every time, cos if you failed last time, you?ll fail next time if you make no changes. So see relapse as part of the journey, seeing how you failed and making the necessary adjustments until you can achieve the perfect 90.

Mood is low. Filled my day yesterday with meaningful things and activities. An hour before I usually go to bed, I just got a sinking feeling, so I went to bed. Ride through the lows. Tomorrow's another day.

 

[gazz]

*&^%!!!

Relapsed after a couple of weeks sobriety. I won't go into the self hating platitudes - but not feeling great about myself to say the least.

It's tempting, but I won't think of this as a cycle, but a process. I'm in a better place and condition than I was 5 years ago, 1 year ago, 6 months ago... I am improving, and I am ready to complete the hard90 and have that be the start of my PMO free lifestyle.

I will learn from the relapse.

What were the triggers and what are the changes I'm going to make?

1. Plan time and be doing things. I love me time - with nothing to do. ironically, I then get bored and am prone to relapse. I probably loved me-time so much in the past because that's when I was able to indulge in my favourite dopamine-high hobby. I need to create a schedule of productive things and fun things. if I'm not resting, I need to be doing.

2. Location. Starting my 'blissful' day of doing nothing in bed with my laptop. I love staying a warm bed (my flat doesn't have great heating), and doing some work/ errands/ faffing, before I get up. I ended up watching porn. new rule, No laptop in bed ever. The couch is a prone place too, couch rule - a time limit and a specific to do list for using laptop on the couch; otherwise I will only use my laptop at a work table.

3. And a 3rd rule. More Will. Look deep within myself. I have a lot of tools (like porn blockers), I've learned a lot and have met a lot of supportive folk on this forum, it is time to use some of my own will! I took some information a little too much to heart recently: I heard it said that we can't stop watching porn on will power alone, because we have a finite amount of it. it will work when we're feeling motivated shortly after a relapse, but on a bad day, it won't be there. Right, I thought, I am helpless, I need to make all outside influences work for me, because I am helpless. I have absolutely no will. I will rationize, I will do what's comfortable, I will probably do whatever I feel like in the moment. it's time for more effort, more fight, more will, and to get all of these things in my arsenal working for the same team.

I always tend to put emphasis in learning more and more, more hacks, more info, another ebook or forum post (perhaps in life as well as in this addiction struggle) - but it's all repeating pretty much the same thing. I know what I need to know. school is out. The boy has to become a man.

Goal as of now? Make the rest of today the 1st half day of my hard90. Start creating schedules, and write out what i'll do/ read, when urges come up.

 

[gazz]

Day 1 completed and feeling good about being one of the team again : ) I did some meaningful work yesterday, and feel good about life, but to read my journal from just a couple of days ago I felt so different. But I hardly remember that feeling now. Shows what a rollercoaster ride this is.

Despite the relapse, I feel my previous streak has given me lots of positivity, and I feel I'm getting more and more able to deal with whatever gets in my way of the achieving the hard90 and indefinite sobriety. I was down about a few things and relapse seemed like a good way out. obviously I didn't feel any better after relapse, and eventually I had to simply accept and wait for the down bad feelings to pass. I now know that's what I should have done in the first place.

 

[Mikel]

Hey Gazz, good move not having the laptop in the bedroom, that's an instant trigger removal right there. The only electronics I have in my bedroom is a mega basic alarm clock. I haven't had my phone in my bedroom for a long time now, that's helped a lot.

It's also good that you can learn from your previous efforts. The end of the relapse is when you decided to watch porn. It's what you did leading up to that moment is what you need to change so you don't get there again.

Keep going at it, keep posting and keep your head up. You've got this. 

 

[gazz]

Thanks Mikel!

Yep, location and being strict with myself and these small rules has been huge.

They say 2 sides of an argument can be true, and I think that's true of times that lead up to relapse. sometimes there is no lead up for me. I can be feeling great, I can be in a streak and feeling good about that, then suddenly i'm left alone and I have an opportunity. trigger and an urge out of nowhere! so discipline, will, and not getting too self confidant will be important.

I feel great at the moment, like this whole thing is easy. why would I do something that makes me feel so awful? Past relapses show,  that can change in a second.

Day 2 is done

 

[gazz]

Day 4 is done. Thought it was 3 til I looked at the date of my last entry. Good sign if I'm losing count of days Going to be busy over Christmas for a c0uple of days without much computer or opportunity. So should get to a week soon. Really looking forward to that. me a year ago would never imagine doing a week clean. Now I can do it with relative ease. (yes, I just watched a no fap academy video about seeing your progress)

Just as I was feeling good about myself, I felt a mental fantasy happening in my head earlier, trying to pull me into a fun period of fantasising. chemicals started buzzing. But I'm back, thinking of wholesome things!

 

[Mikel]

Alright Gazz and merry christmas.

A week is a good grounding in recovery. Keep doing what you're doing and you will get there. Yeah it's good to expel fantasies as soons as possible as lingering on them can cause some discomfort.

 

[gazz]

One week done. Feels great. Am loving the no fap academy vids. I've signed up to their newsletter and am getting videos at the moment about 'Mindset Mastery'. The idea that 90 days of not thinking about 90 days of rebooting as a horrible period of slogging, but knowing with every urge you are getting stronger and making your life more awesome... something like that.

and I've been using this video from them as a guided meditation to overcome urges. 'urges are misplaced energy'... which has been a really helpful tool in the moment when scenes are starting to flash in my head and the thought of relapsing makes those chemicals start to buzz. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yp_D8GInoHM

So many threads to read on this forum and so many links and resources to go down a rabbit hole of tips and ideas about avoiding urges. Has been a great place to go instead of porn village - which ends up in pain and screw ups.

It's day 8, looking forward to that 2 week miles stone : )

 

[Mikel]

One week down. Nice one son..  8)

 

[gazz]

Cheers!

Day 8 done!

Such a positive thing to be on this journey. Though part of me wanted to relapse so much today. I was in a social situation - talking with very close friends actually. I thought, 'being social is tough, I would love to be alone and relapse. I may have the opportunity later actually. Then I'd be relaxed and comfortingly disconnected from work, people, and all the inconveniences of the real world.' I remembered I had my P blocks on, and thought, hmmm, at least I can indulge in some nasty fast food? I ended up doing neither.

I know I have to succeed in this endeavour. to be relaxing with friends and to find it so difficult? talk about a guy who has ruined his reward circuitry. I also had the beginnings of sexual fantasies running through my head which I was half indulging, mostly fighting off, while people were talking to me. Boy - this isn't right. relapsing is not an option because I am in a war over my own brain!

 

[xankab]

Great to hear that you fought off the urge to relapse!

to be relaxing with friends and to find it so difficult? talk about a guy who has ruined his reward circuitry.

Don't be too hard on yourself, gazz! Not everybody is the same, and not everyone is a wild extrovert. I recently read the book "Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking" by Susan Cain, and found it explained a lot about me and my love of solitude. This need not have been caused by P, although I suppose P could provide an easy escape hatch and an escape from people...

Keep at it, this journey is worth it.

 

[Mikel]

Hola Gazz.

I'm gonna second what xankab said and don't worry about it. Sometimes I find it difficult in friends company, especially if there's a lot of people there. I just like sitting down with a cup of tea in my own flat and try not to concern myself with situations like that. Not that I'm a recluse, I think I'm just used to my own company. Saying that though, I can socialise, although I am very picky on who with and where. I actually like that about myself.

 

[gazz]

Cheers Xancab and Mikel - I never thought of it that way. Will check out the book. Being an introvert - social time is tiring and I do need to be alone to energize. but wanting to be alone for years so I could PMO makes everything blurred. I was selfish to spend so much time PMO'ing, and PMO'ing has made me selfish. I want to engage more and balance my 'give and take' better on this journey. And yes, as we get older, we get more fussy. When we young, it's a case of, 'You like going to the pub? So do I! Best friends forever!'

Day 9 is done!! 8)

Day 10 has been challenging  ???

Getting home and wife not being in ?a trigger

Tired and cold after finishing work ? a trigger

Being good natured toward people without really feeling it ? a trigger

I was so tense and pulsing with urges.

I listened to the no fap meditation about feeling your urge, seeing where it is in your body, and letting it go. I realised I was cold and tired, and tense ? sensations I always used PMO to help with

I put on my favourite mellow music and had a hot bath and it seems to have done the trick.

Also. Had ridiculous fantasies that wanted to play out in my mind with every single woman I met today. Further proof to myself that this is a change that really needs to be made in my life! hope I can train my brain out of this chronic ?habit?

Day 10 will be a milestone ? so will be very happy when it?s in the bag. Really hope I feel differently 3 months  from now

 

[Mikel]

When we young, it's a case of, 'You like going to the pub? So do I! Best friends forever!'

Had to laugh at this, so true. There was a period in my life where all that mattered to me was going to the pub and drinking.

 

[TiramiSu]

Congrats. Writing things everything down is very good.

 

[gazz]

Cheers guys Going to the pub these days just makes me sleepy and gives me a hoarse voice 

Day 10 and 11 in the bag!

Feeling exhausted. Looking forward to energy levels going up as I get out of the cycle and engage more with real life. There's a no fap academy video where Mark talks about sobriety and fatigue. He says we use PMO as part of our lifestyle so our energy is tied in with it. I definitely used PMO to give me adrenaline and to relax. So we're rebooting our energy levels, so expect to be slightly comatose.

Yep, everything seems a bit boring, but that's life after coming out of a 10 year porn trance for you. I visualise life after rebooting, and am looking forward to getting there.

 

[gazz]

Day 12 in the bag!  Nearly at the 2 week mark. Come on!

In a good place at the moment. You can probably tell from the above. There are uncomfortable urges, but relapse wasn't so long ago, so I can remember easily what it is like to feel hopeless and depressed, and it's easy to see that the high of being on a streak plus uncomfortable urges is so much better than a dopamine high porn indulgence and all the shit that comes with it.

When I'm out there in the world, it seems to me i'm thinking about sex and porn nearly 100% of the time. Goodness, I hope rebooting will balance me out.

perhaps I can feel a little shift. recently, all kinds of sex fantasies would fly through my head. yesterday, with some of them, I would think - hold on, isn't that a bit immature and ridiculous? progress!