Committing to Reboot
- Thread starter gazz
- Start date
a couple of images in my mind have been pulling me in to the thought of relapsing. I read a term a today: ?reboot apathy?. That?s what that is. After a relapse ,we feel terrible, and we feel trapped... we feel very motivated to reboot. 2 weeks of sobriety, and images are popping inside your head, that?s when you have to remember how bad it feels. We have to kick apathy in the head!
bit of a low today ? a couple of life problems, and the grey cold weather... Really felt like relapsing. There?s a moment where I?m on the cusp of deciding to do so. Then I start planning on how I?m going to get around porn blocks. I managed to stop the growing urge. I?m getting better at thinking ? P isn?t a relief from depression, it?s a momentary trance of chemical buzzing, then it?s feeling 50 times worse. Being accountable to the forum was a big motivator too! I distracted myself with some activities ?even fell asleep reading- so maybe I was tired, as I dont sleep that great at the moment.
So day 13 in the bag. And hours away from the 2 week mark
I mentioned the word progress yesterday. 90 days is a long way off, but 2 weeks is amazing for me. There was a time I thought 2 weeks was an impossibility. if I can get this far, maybe I can keep progressing until I kick this addiction in the face for good
cheers Mikel - here's a link to the guided meditation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yp_D8GInoHM
bit of a low today ? a couple of life problems, and the grey cold weather... Really felt like relapsing. There?s a moment where I?m on the cusp of deciding to do so. Then I start planning on how I?m going to get around porn blocks. I managed to stop the growing urge. I?m getting better at thinking ? P isn?t a relief from depression, it?s a momentary trance of chemical buzzing, then it?s feeling 50 times worse. Being accountable to the forum was a big motivator too! I distracted myself with some activities ?even fell asleep reading- so maybe I was tired, as I dont sleep that great at the moment.
So day 13 in the bag. And hours away from the 2 week mark
I mentioned the word progress yesterday. 90 days is a long way off, but 2 weeks is amazing for me. There was a time I thought 2 weeks was an impossibility. if I can get this far, maybe I can keep progressing until I kick this addiction in the face for good
cheers Mikel - here's a link to the guided meditation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yp_D8GInoHM
2 weeks done! Next goal ? getting another week under my belt.
I can feel a trigger without it being the end of the world. Wife leaves the house and I have lots to do ? trigger. Feeling down and bored ? trigger.
When you get to a place where you can see a trigger without having to act on it, it?s empowering. Again, accountability to this forum is huge.
Getting to the point where thoughts of / images/ scenes from P are a bit distant. I?ve been here before. After relapse and they?re fresh in your mind ? that?s when you?re locked in the cycle and breaking out is hard. So though I feel some reboot apathy, I should remember I?ve come a long way from the low feelings after a relapse.
Sex with my wife for first time in 2 weeks. (wasn?t convenient for those 2 weeks for different reasons). Now sex is going to be part of the equation for the rest of this reboot attempt. This is tricky and has resulted in relapse in the past for me. I?ve read that dopamine is created through sex, and when we?re still in the porn cycle, the brain doesn?t see the difference between good (loving sex with wife) and bad (weird porn) sexual thoughts. Not great when you?re trying to drown the dopamine beast in the hard90. Nothing wrong with pure love making while you?re present with the partner though. Sadly I dont think I?m quite there yet.
Scenes did pop into my head, but I did my best to stay present.
I know I mention them a lot, but still going through all the no fap academy videos. Saw one yesterday about ?sexual transmutation? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exmLbaJxQOI and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWuirte24Jo Cool stuff ? kind of blew my mind. All this ?sexual energy?, or for me, energy I used to nut my load watching P, can be used elsewhere. ?Sexual energy is creative energy, and there?s so much of it, what we can achieve in sobriety is boundless.?
There is Vertical and Horizontal motivation. Vertical is pleasure and pain. We watch porn and try to get sex for pleasure, then realise we should stop watching porn because it brings us pain (and a continuous cycle I?ve been going through for years). We want sex and pleasure with the hot blonde who?s not nice to us. But dating her brings us pain and we run away.
Horizontal is love. So sex is part of your relationship with your partner. And the goal isn?t PLEASURE PLEASURE PLEASURE. But union. For every act, don't ask, is this pleasure/ avoiding pain. Ask, is this loving.
This makes sense to me, cos I finally see a way to get out of the slave-to-pleasure cycle I?ve been in all my life. you guys might have realised this when you were in school. I?ve been a bit late catching up.
I can feel a trigger without it being the end of the world. Wife leaves the house and I have lots to do ? trigger. Feeling down and bored ? trigger.
When you get to a place where you can see a trigger without having to act on it, it?s empowering. Again, accountability to this forum is huge.
Getting to the point where thoughts of / images/ scenes from P are a bit distant. I?ve been here before. After relapse and they?re fresh in your mind ? that?s when you?re locked in the cycle and breaking out is hard. So though I feel some reboot apathy, I should remember I?ve come a long way from the low feelings after a relapse.
Sex with my wife for first time in 2 weeks. (wasn?t convenient for those 2 weeks for different reasons). Now sex is going to be part of the equation for the rest of this reboot attempt. This is tricky and has resulted in relapse in the past for me. I?ve read that dopamine is created through sex, and when we?re still in the porn cycle, the brain doesn?t see the difference between good (loving sex with wife) and bad (weird porn) sexual thoughts. Not great when you?re trying to drown the dopamine beast in the hard90. Nothing wrong with pure love making while you?re present with the partner though. Sadly I dont think I?m quite there yet.
Scenes did pop into my head, but I did my best to stay present.
I know I mention them a lot, but still going through all the no fap academy videos. Saw one yesterday about ?sexual transmutation? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exmLbaJxQOI and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWuirte24Jo Cool stuff ? kind of blew my mind. All this ?sexual energy?, or for me, energy I used to nut my load watching P, can be used elsewhere. ?Sexual energy is creative energy, and there?s so much of it, what we can achieve in sobriety is boundless.?
There is Vertical and Horizontal motivation. Vertical is pleasure and pain. We watch porn and try to get sex for pleasure, then realise we should stop watching porn because it brings us pain (and a continuous cycle I?ve been going through for years). We want sex and pleasure with the hot blonde who?s not nice to us. But dating her brings us pain and we run away.
Horizontal is love. So sex is part of your relationship with your partner. And the goal isn?t PLEASURE PLEASURE PLEASURE. But union. For every act, don't ask, is this pleasure/ avoiding pain. Ask, is this loving.
This makes sense to me, cos I finally see a way to get out of the slave-to-pleasure cycle I?ve been in all my life. you guys might have realised this when you were in school. I?ve been a bit late catching up.
Been away for a couple of days. I'm back - time to clock up the days... 18 in the bag! Pretty close to 20 ;D
On the one hand, I feel like my rational brain has a lot of power/ control. It's a lot easier to see an urge for what it is - an irrational urge to do something that is bad for me, that ruins my life and makes me feel terrible. But there's a voice ('a relapse would be great') that is never too far away. the beast doesn't have to continuously fight the rational brain, it can just hibernate and then finally jump up with a well timed urge... and one weak moment is all it takes. I use porn blocks - unlike a lot of strong willed people on the forum. I know I'd be useless without the blocks. Hope there's a day I don't need to use them.
Withdrawal symptoms:
Without being able to PMO away any/ every sexual tremor, I'm horny all the time. women innocently talk to me or walk by me, and my brain is desiring them, wanting to race off into sexual fantasy. Working hard to see people as people. But having given my brain a porn diet for 10 years then going cold turkey, it doesn't want to see things that way. I know i'm a good person and am confidant that after reboot, i'll be a human who sees all people respectfully.
Nothing much interests me. I feel uninspired and low. 'Why bother doing that?' 'I don't feel anything.' 'Everything is boring.' This is how life feels after 10 years in a porn trance. I don't feel this way all the time. I don't dwell on the crap feelings, I don't fight them either. I let them pass. I know I can get back my zest for life after rebooting. I generally know what a miracle it is to be alive, and how lucky I am in my life. So I'm looking forward to drowning the dopamine addict with 3 months of sobriety so I can feel grateful to be alive all the time.
On the one hand, I feel like my rational brain has a lot of power/ control. It's a lot easier to see an urge for what it is - an irrational urge to do something that is bad for me, that ruins my life and makes me feel terrible. But there's a voice ('a relapse would be great') that is never too far away. the beast doesn't have to continuously fight the rational brain, it can just hibernate and then finally jump up with a well timed urge... and one weak moment is all it takes. I use porn blocks - unlike a lot of strong willed people on the forum. I know I'd be useless without the blocks. Hope there's a day I don't need to use them.
Withdrawal symptoms:
Without being able to PMO away any/ every sexual tremor, I'm horny all the time. women innocently talk to me or walk by me, and my brain is desiring them, wanting to race off into sexual fantasy. Working hard to see people as people. But having given my brain a porn diet for 10 years then going cold turkey, it doesn't want to see things that way. I know i'm a good person and am confidant that after reboot, i'll be a human who sees all people respectfully.
Nothing much interests me. I feel uninspired and low. 'Why bother doing that?' 'I don't feel anything.' 'Everything is boring.' This is how life feels after 10 years in a porn trance. I don't feel this way all the time. I don't dwell on the crap feelings, I don't fight them either. I let them pass. I know I can get back my zest for life after rebooting. I generally know what a miracle it is to be alive, and how lucky I am in my life. So I'm looking forward to drowning the dopamine addict with 3 months of sobriety so I can feel grateful to be alive all the time.
19 days in the bag :
Yep, I miss the dopamine rush. I don't miss the porn hangover. I'm enjoying a lot of things that I didn't enjoy/ didn't have time for when P was my main habit. Good books. Good music. Living in a relatively tidy flat. Getting a haircut and looking less scruffy 8)
Hit a bad mood in the evening yesterday and put myself to bed. No need to dwell on those moments we don't feel great. You could argue my new habits are a bit passive - sitting and listening to music I find on the web, and buying books on the web. I need to become less lazy on this journey. Haven't exercised much this new year.
One other very exciting thing... I wouldn't have thought of it but a couple of other members mentioned it. 1 1/2 years ago I got bletharitis (or how ever you spell it): Dry, itchy eyes, that I need to treat with eye drops throughout the night - loads of fun :'( Doctors couldn't see a problem. I was doing eye hygiene, so doctors said - your eyes are clean - so there shouldn't be a problem. it's been going on for so long with no improvements. Some people say it might be that we look at computers and phones too much these days (especially us fappers!) - but that's just guess work.
After 3 weeks of sobriety, finally the first sign of improvements! I only used eyedrops once last night, same as the last 3 nights or so. Careful not to get too excited... but it's pretty exciting!
Yep, I miss the dopamine rush. I don't miss the porn hangover. I'm enjoying a lot of things that I didn't enjoy/ didn't have time for when P was my main habit. Good books. Good music. Living in a relatively tidy flat. Getting a haircut and looking less scruffy 8)
Hit a bad mood in the evening yesterday and put myself to bed. No need to dwell on those moments we don't feel great. You could argue my new habits are a bit passive - sitting and listening to music I find on the web, and buying books on the web. I need to become less lazy on this journey. Haven't exercised much this new year.
One other very exciting thing... I wouldn't have thought of it but a couple of other members mentioned it. 1 1/2 years ago I got bletharitis (or how ever you spell it): Dry, itchy eyes, that I need to treat with eye drops throughout the night - loads of fun :'( Doctors couldn't see a problem. I was doing eye hygiene, so doctors said - your eyes are clean - so there shouldn't be a problem. it's been going on for so long with no improvements. Some people say it might be that we look at computers and phones too much these days (especially us fappers!) - but that's just guess work.
After 3 weeks of sobriety, finally the first sign of improvements! I only used eyedrops once last night, same as the last 3 nights or so. Careful not to get too excited... but it's pretty exciting!
Ugh - an utter minger of a day - but 20 days in the bag and tomorrow it'll be 21.
3 weeks
Was so down last night and today. I journaled things out which makes me feel better. Yeah, life stuff happens, but you get it onto paper and it's not the end of the world. At the end of my list of reasons I felt shit, I wrote:
And of course, porn withdrawal. I've generally felt better in the last 3 weeks, I forget about all the misery during the porn junkie days because they were intermittently interrupted by a soring dopamine hit ? a hit that I would keep going for hours and days at a time. now it?s a normal life without that dopamine hit; and there are rewarding life moments, and here are the lows.
I'm pretty good at keeping myself together and not fapping at the moment, I feel like i'm living my life choice, but am so delicate, anything that resembles a life problem is able to come along and punch me flat out. looking forward to feeling stronger!!!
Ended up feeling ill for most of the day. quite amazing how I could see the trouble in my depressed head manifest its way into my body
and tomorrow it'll be 21. 3 weeks
Was so down last night and today. I journaled things out which makes me feel better. Yeah, life stuff happens, but you get it onto paper and it's not the end of the world. At the end of my list of reasons I felt shit, I wrote:
And of course, porn withdrawal. I've generally felt better in the last 3 weeks, I forget about all the misery during the porn junkie days because they were intermittently interrupted by a soring dopamine hit ? a hit that I would keep going for hours and days at a time. now it?s a normal life without that dopamine hit; and there are rewarding life moments, and here are the lows.
I'm pretty good at keeping myself together and not fapping at the moment, I feel like i'm living my life choice, but am so delicate, anything that resembles a life problem is able to come along and punch me flat out. looking forward to feeling stronger!!!
Ended up feeling ill for most of the day. quite amazing how I could see the trouble in my depressed head manifest its way into my body
... and those rough days of depression, and no energy, I'm sure is porn withdrawal. The brain is pressuring you for that dopamine spike, which it thinks helps you, cos you've been using it to self-medicate every day for years.
But made it through a shit day and... it's 3 weeks of no fap! ;D
Feel much better today. I had some work I had to do, and it was rewarding. I'm much more up, as are my energy levels.
And... the big news is, I did my first workout in absolutely ages. The first of the year! I know exercise is a big mood shifter, so I pushed myself into it today. exercise has been difficult for me as I have aches, pains and some niggling injuries. and in the past, I've PMO'd my time into the bin so I never had the time. really hope I can turn this into a routine and get 3 workouts a week in. That's a goal and will be a big lifestyle boost for me.
Come on week 4!
But made it through a shit day and... it's 3 weeks of no fap! ;D
Feel much better today. I had some work I had to do, and it was rewarding. I'm much more up, as are my energy levels.
And... the big news is, I did my first workout in absolutely ages. The first of the year! I know exercise is a big mood shifter, so I pushed myself into it today. exercise has been difficult for me as I have aches, pains and some niggling injuries. and in the past, I've PMO'd my time into the bin so I never had the time. really hope I can turn this into a routine and get 3 workouts a week in. That's a goal and will be a big lifestyle boost for me.
Come on week 4!
day 22 done
There are urges today but mostly I feel fresh, productive and good.
And did a workout!
Saw a recommendation on a no fap vid for the book 'The Morning Miracle'. Fun YouTube vid covering its points here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pv7zbiLVBQw
I'm currently reading it. And today for the first time in my adult memory... I got up early voluntarily and did some self-help work. Feels like a big step in the right direction.
There are urges today but mostly I feel fresh, productive and good.
And did a workout!
Saw a recommendation on a no fap vid for the book 'The Morning Miracle'. Fun YouTube vid covering its points here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pv7zbiLVBQw
I'm currently reading it. And today for the first time in my adult memory... I got up early voluntarily and did some self-help work. Feels like a big step in the right direction.
23 days done
Feeling an enjoyable high at the moment, despite urges.
3 workouts in 3 days! starting to get sore in places, but it's doing wonders for some lingering pains I've had, so i'll keep this up as long as I can
takes an hour out of my day to workout / keep my body healthy. That's a long time. While I was sweating today, I thought, I don't think i'd want to be with those perfectly shaped women who put endless pictures of themselves on social media (which I constantly have to see as social media is a big part of my job). because how many hours a day is that just them focused on their appearance? the women I actually have an interest in in real life have better things to do with the majority of their day
When life is this good, it's easier to see an urge for what it is, a path to pain.
Anyway, that all sounds very positive, but it's one day at a time, and constantly vigilant for that moment when the ultimate difficult urge comes out from behind a corner ready to try to smack me with a baseball bat
Feeling an enjoyable high at the moment, despite urges.
3 workouts in 3 days! starting to get sore in places, but it's doing wonders for some lingering pains I've had, so i'll keep this up as long as I can
takes an hour out of my day to workout / keep my body healthy. That's a long time. While I was sweating today, I thought, I don't think i'd want to be with those perfectly shaped women who put endless pictures of themselves on social media (which I constantly have to see as social media is a big part of my job). because how many hours a day is that just them focused on their appearance? the women I actually have an interest in in real life have better things to do with the majority of their day
When life is this good, it's easier to see an urge for what it is, a path to pain.
Anyway, that all sounds very positive, but it's one day at a time, and constantly vigilant for that moment when the ultimate difficult urge comes out from behind a corner ready to try to smack me with a baseball bat
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Guest
I feel like exercise is one of the best things we can do. It's a great way to get a dopamine release in a positive, real way. I also find long exercise (long swim, walk, run) is when I do some of my best thinking and mental processing - not sure if that's because I have less distractions like phones etc. but such a great help in overcoming addiction.
Cheers guys. I'd been putting regular exercise off for ages because I was worried about some aches I had that I didn't want to exacerbate. didn't take long for the exercise to start mending the aches. there's getting through the first couple of days of a new exercise routine and the aching the surprised muscles go through, then it's just enjoying the benefits.
Day 4 of exercise today and there was no soreness
Enjoying a healthy lifestyle and my new early morning routine. they say the morning leads the rest of the day. so no more Sunday lounging for me.
This is first day of the hard90 that I feel there's not much to report, so think I've rebooted slightly. urges aren't insane, no crazy mood swings. doing rewarding work helps. It's just... oh, another day i'm doing the hard 90. Took a while to get here ,and hopefully there'll be a lot more boring/ not-much-to-talk-about days like this ahead
I feel the first 3 weeks of reboot, I did indulge my lazy side. I spent time resting, staying in (which meant drinking less), relaxing, doing non taxing hobbies, avoiding anything stressful or that resembled a problem, and I did a lot of a process-the-urge meditation for the painful amount of urges that continued to pop up (I mean, I was turning off a dopamine tap that had been constantly gushing for 10 years!). Now i feel I'm able to introduce some healthy disciplines like exercise into my life.
Day 4 of exercise today and there was no soreness
Enjoying a healthy lifestyle and my new early morning routine. they say the morning leads the rest of the day. so no more Sunday lounging for me.
This is first day of the hard90 that I feel there's not much to report, so think I've rebooted slightly. urges aren't insane, no crazy mood swings. doing rewarding work helps. It's just... oh, another day i'm doing the hard 90. Took a while to get here ,and hopefully there'll be a lot more boring/ not-much-to-talk-about days like this ahead
I feel the first 3 weeks of reboot, I did indulge my lazy side. I spent time resting, staying in (which meant drinking less), relaxing, doing non taxing hobbies, avoiding anything stressful or that resembled a problem, and I did a lot of a process-the-urge meditation for the painful amount of urges that continued to pop up (I mean, I was turning off a dopamine tap that had been constantly gushing for 10 years!). Now i feel I'm able to introduce some healthy disciplines like exercise into my life.
Good to hear you've had a good day without much fuzz from the urges! Really glad for you, and I feel inspired by you.
Exercising is a little like going through withdrawals, like the saying ''the pain today is the victory of tomorrow''.
I'm glad to hear your aches has been mended, so you don't have to worry about it when you exercise! But be careful though.
Exercising is a little like going through withdrawals, like the saying ''the pain today is the victory of tomorrow''.
I'm glad to hear your aches has been mended, so you don't have to worry about it when you exercise! But be careful though.
Cheers CB!
Another day in the bag - not sure what the number is and I don't care enough to look it up. This no fap journey is EASIER after the first 3 weeks. I remember writing each day-number out in the early days because each day in the bag felt like the biggest achievement ever.
The beast doesn't feel compulsive now. Urges are there, and I know if I stopped and really thought about them, things would get difficult. I have sense enough to say - no, I don't want you, not going to dwell on you. It is ?pleasure?, followed by pain x100, so it needs to be left alone, and I have that choice. And I always make the choice of letting the urge go. some say you always have a choice ? it doesn?t feel that way when you're in the depths of the addiction cycle, as it?s our own brains telling us we want something, with the power of years of evolution backing it up. 3 1/2 weeks clean and now I?ve grown the muscles that make the decision easier, I?m not going back to where I was helpless.
Took a day off exercising and my morning routine yesterday and had body didn?t appreciate it. So started with the exercise again today. feels so good, the porn addict lifestyle just doesn't compare.
Another day in the bag - not sure what the number is and I don't care enough to look it up. This no fap journey is EASIER after the first 3 weeks. I remember writing each day-number out in the early days because each day in the bag felt like the biggest achievement ever.
The beast doesn't feel compulsive now. Urges are there, and I know if I stopped and really thought about them, things would get difficult. I have sense enough to say - no, I don't want you, not going to dwell on you. It is ?pleasure?, followed by pain x100, so it needs to be left alone, and I have that choice. And I always make the choice of letting the urge go. some say you always have a choice ? it doesn?t feel that way when you're in the depths of the addiction cycle, as it?s our own brains telling us we want something, with the power of years of evolution backing it up. 3 1/2 weeks clean and now I?ve grown the muscles that make the decision easier, I?m not going back to where I was helpless.
Took a day off exercising and my morning routine yesterday and had body didn?t appreciate it. So started with the exercise again today. feels so good, the porn addict lifestyle just doesn't compare.