Committing to Reboot

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gazz

Active Member
Cheers TiramiSu, such an important warning. I?ve sadly learned that lesson as I?ve had a long streak end in relapse before too. Just ?enjoying? struggle not being so hard as the first 3 weeks, when every day was pure hell.

I think (I hope) I feel another slight shift. My mind has been racing off into ridiculous/ immature fantasy about every woman who crosses my path since stopping PMO. It?s driving me crazy. Finished a day of work yesterday amongst some pretty women, I was ready for it to happen, but a voice said ??nah, don?t be silly.? Another sign of the porn addict getting quieter? If this really is the pattern, and another 60 days will drown the addict in me even further, the hard90 truly is a miracle, and I?m so grateful for finding it, and having this forum and other tools that got me through those ridiculous first 3 weeks of the hard90. Note to self, never go back, cos I never want to have to go through that again.

Back to daily exercising which feels great, and it?s 27 days in the bag, tomorrow will be 4 weeks, and so close to 30  ::)
 
Mikel

Mikel

Active Member
The first three weeks for me were where I suffered the worst withdrawals. Especially the first two in particular. Like what's been mentioned, it's about keeping on guard now and not thinking you're 'cured' because you've got a bit of time behind your belt. Not saying this is what you're doing, just talking from my own experience.
 
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gazz

Active Member
Another day in the bag. Another early start. Another day of exercise and rewarding work. 

Urges come in the form of images, and thoughts of women I come across in the day, my mind wanting to race off into sexual fantasy. I take a breath and reel mind back in.

The clean life continuing to feel good, I?m crushing tasks I want to do, stuff I?ve put off for so long which actually weren?t that difficult in the end. Really think if I stay clean I can hit some massive goals this year.

Another inspiring thing happened today ? I came across a whole load of notes I?d written for things to do to avoid depression. I compiled this list in December when I was so low. I was working so hard to keep myself out of a dark hole, and it wasn?t really working. That whole list isn?t as effective as this one thing I?m doing ? staying away from P. Sure, I miss the chemical buzz, but it?s one habit and it destroyed the last 10 years of my life. one habit... my life. defeating this is such a priority!

Cheers Mikel, good advice. It?s kind of another phase of the reboot. Pure hell is over, it?s time to stay on guard, not letting a shrug-of-the-shoulders relapse happen.

Was just reading in a novel about how in some AA groups, an anniversary is celebrated with a cake or a medal. What will I do on day 30? A jig to my favourite song? Something special? Does anyone else out there mark their milestones? It?s strange ?celebrating? not doing something that brings pure liquid pleasure. it?s sure to feel like an anti climax. ?hurray, 30 days of withdrawal symptoms and dull reality, get ready for another 60!? So I?ll do sth to mark the occasion for myself.

Getting close to 30 : )
 
Mikel

Mikel

Active Member
Gazz, sounds like you're right on it. Like you, my urges are not for watching porn anymore, it's more the fantasies which pop up in my head. Get past those and we're truly free.

In some AA meetings chips (or medals) are given out for periods of recovery. Such as: 24 Hours, 1 to 11 months, 1 year, 18 months and for each year after that. There's been the odd cake brought in when people have hit certain years especially the first, as that really is a biggy. A friend of mine had a clock made with the numericals being chips with the year one being in the middle. (24 hours was for 12am/pm.)

Up to you though really, maybe worth treating yourself to something when you hit a certain landmark. You've reminded me that I was going to treat myself to a Shisha bong when I hit my ninety days. I promised that to myself a long time ago now.
 
C

CB

Active Member
Feels good to hear you seem to have it under control and your soon on 30 days, wow that's a lot man!

Yeah I have the thing with my mind wanting to go in to sexual fantasizing when I see women out on town. It is part of our addiction, a bad habit that has to be gone. It will get less powerful for each week that's passing by. Damn these weeks and days seem very long sometimes, but that's probably maybe because I'm on my 6th day lol. :)

Keep moving forward, you got this gazz!
 
B

Beingpure

Member
Hey Gazz, I just saw some of your other posts.

Sounds like you're making some good progress and supporting others on the way. On the note of fantasies and seeing e omen during the day... Have you ever noticed where's the first plAce you look when you see a women? Is it her face? Here smile? Her eyes? Her hair?

In my case, it's normally her chest area.... I caught myself the other day with a lady in my office... at firs I thought... jeez I wonder if she notices because she sits right at the entrance to our office and always wears low cut tops - the first time I caught myself and actually noticed that's what I'm doing I felt like such a pervert - guess my judgement of myself.... and then I made a new choice to try and focus on her real beauty... and tried to look beyond the physical...

It may not be such a good idea in general but was quite an alive feeling noticing the pattern and opportunity to shift perspective and focus from a sexual being to a human being... lol there is a person on the other end of her chest.

Keep up the progress man.
 
X

xyz

Guest
Gazz, just read your post about celebrating milestones - what an awesome idea, and one I had never even thought of doing. I think it's really important to do things to mark the milestones and get some reward for the difficult journey we're on. Even if it's just treating yourself to something small every month clean or something. But really good idea - I think sometimes we get all caught up in the numbers and days and streaks - I think it's a great idea to stop everynow and then and say, I made another month, and enjoy the moment.
 
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gazz

Active Member
Thanks so much Beingpure. feel like I'm making progress

That?s great advice. The women I wrote about on my last post were actually all lovely people, one a talented musician and I?m a big music fan. I guess for me and 'where' I look, i'm a sucker for a pretty face. Guess I'm lucky as it's not awkward to get caught looking at a face... well not for too long

Another day in the bag  :)

Enjoying the clean life? Yep
Early start and daily exercise? Yep
Getting urges? Yep.

For over a week I've had more energy than I remember having in recent memory. Have been getting up an hour or 2 earlier than I usually do and getting loads done. Though finally hit a wall and felt some blurgh today. I guess a bit tired from all the energy I've been using up. Also staying indoors a lot with heat blasting due to the winter weather. I felt low emotions, and I just wrote down what was happening. It's common sense stuff, just have to be easy on myself. Suffering from too much screen time as well, ironically I'm staring at one now - though I wanted to quickly pop onto the forum and connect with everyone.

Realised I've passed the 4 week mark  ;D Didn't mind so much as I'm more focused on the 30 day mark which is coming up. Thanks for the nod everyone. We DEFINITELY SHOULD celebrate. I've got a gathering of friends on the weekend. No one will no the secret reason i'm celebrating, but I'll be in a very good mood and feeling proud for reaching a milestone in a pretty tough challenge.

we have to ?enjoy? this process of getting our lives back, not feel sorry for ourselves and mourn this old damaging but enjoyable habit that used to own us.

 
Mikel

Mikel

Active Member
Good work on getting past the four week mark man. Hope you have a great time at your 'secret' party......
 
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gazz

Active Member
Thanks guys

... and it's 30 DAYS IN THE BAG!!!!!!!!  ;D ;D ;D ;D

Thanks to everyone who've exchanged words with me on the forum. I would not have made it this far without there accountability, support, and advice I've found here.

But yes, Ok, this is tiny step. I won't start thanking the Academy just yet. I'm ready and focused on getting to 5 weeks.

A month ago, in the chains of addiction, I felt awful.

After month of sobriety, I feel awesome.

Well, that?s not surprising, that?s why I?ve been trying to stay clean for 2 years (without getting very far - I could have made it easier on myself, but I guess I've been learning and making progress throughout that time, it's hard to give up PMO without a few relapses, I'm sure most ppl will agree).

It?s not easy, as you all know. Despite all the pros, it just takes a weak moment, a trigger, and a relapse can happen ? and a relapse is never just a relapse, its chains wrapped firmly around you all over again.

I feel a lot freer. A slightly rebooted brain, as opposed to trying to get that first day or 2 clean, which was so hard.

I?ve been rewarding myself with a mellow day and doing some self nurturing things. I've taken the day off. Rare sunny day outside and I've been out there. On days like this in the past, I've often stayed indoors doing that thing all day, and looked outside at a beautiful day, and it made me miserable. Not only was I missing out on life and good weather and being outside, but I didn't know what to do about it. Of course, my reward system was screwed up, and anything except PMO felt boring. I wanted to go outside, but I didn't.

Today is day 31... and I don't feel the urge to relapse right now :)
 
C

CB

Active Member
Congratulations on your 30 days without PMO! That's amazing! Just keep pushing, I'm sure you'll reach your 90 days man!

The sun has been shining in Sweden today as well, been great weather! I'm happy you took time to spend the day out in the sun. Know about the sitting inside and blaming one self for not grabbing the life by it's horns feeling.

Again, congratulations buddy! You're doing great! :)

 
R

Rebooter99

Member
Hey,

You're experience is quite common. Your body(reproductive system) has gone from full-throttle to 0, to borrow a car analogy. As such, your hormonal and gland systems are still overproducing, despite your attempt to change your lifestyle. This dissapears after 2-3 weeks in most cases, I believe. Here's a good article explaining it, but disregard/forget about the stupid products they're trying to sell you at the end: http://www.herballove.com/articles/pain-abstaining-semen-retention-can-have-its-own-consequences. Good luck. Stay strong.

Rebooter 99
 
Mikel

Mikel

Active Member
Wooo hooo......... Milestone number one has been reached. Good work man. Now onto milestone number two which will be the big 60.

See you there Bro!
 
G

gazz

Active Member
Cheers guys!!!!!!!!!!!!    ;D

Feel like I've been through a war and now I'm in phase 2. Things easier today than 30 days ago, so really don't want to put myself through all of that again.

31 days in the bag. Back to healthy routine today. Early start. Exercise. Having lots of ?entrepreneur? ideas

Like a lot of ?streakers? say, urges are strong before I completely wake up. Now I?ve had the time to get some cool projects going in my life, and enjoying hobbies like reading, guitar and seeing friends more, my mind is happily occupied most of the time after the first cup of coffee.

Enjoyed the ?purity? of my joys yesterday and glad I can enjoy the simple pleasures again. Here?s to another fulfilling day of the hard90
 
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gazz

Active Member
Another day in the bag :)

Feeling a little low and tired today. No morning routine or exercise. I know I?ll perk up once I get up, and choose the better-mood-path, and stop dwelling/festering in this low/ tired state like it?s a guilty pleasure.

Now the urge to watch P has faded somewhat, thoughts of an old girlfriend from years ago has risen to the surface. I?d been hurt by the break up and pretty much went into a PMO hole for 10 years after she left. I was somehow trying to reach back to our time together through fantasy and P watching. It was a sexually exciting relationship, but not ideally the relationship I was supposed to be in. I?m in a real, loving relationship now, an adult relationship ? not a schoolboy?s fantasy relationship, problem is I?m still a school boy in many ways.

There?s not much I can do except focus on letting go, and choosing to be happy in the present moment. Giving up PMO has brought me this far and to these revelations in a very short space of time, and I have faith that the journey will bring to light what else I need to learn.
 
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Firstbigstep

Active Member
Hi Gazz,

I know that feeling SO well!

I feel like I'm about 15 a lot of the time, especially in matters of sex and relationships, particularly sex! I actually think my sexual development pretty much stalled about then. Maybe that's why I stuck with the PMO habit I'm now leaving behind. I think most people go through that feverish wanking phase then move onto the real thing. I didn't.

I'm still in two minds whether to try and re-activate a relationship that ended around 5 years ago - we've stayed in touch until just recently, so I'm not sure why our friendship has foundered at exactly the same time as I joined the Nation and gave up my PMO habit.

Like yourself, I look back with great fondness on a really sexually adventurous relationship - we explored a lot of things neither of us had ever done before.

Unlike yourself, I don't have a partner at the moment, so I'm not sure where I should be putting my efforts. Do I try to rekindle what I once had or do I look for a new partner... really not sure.

I do love your new found positive attitude, I too shall try to be happy in the moment. Thank you and everyone else who posts their honest, uplifting accounts of the reboot process. At 65 ish days, I still appreciate the support you all offer me.
 
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gazz

Active Member
Cheers cknfella !

And thanks Bigstep. Good luck with your relationship decision. These kinds of opportunities don't grow on trees, but taking the time to make sure you do what's best for you is great. I'd also say - don't let this P addiction that you're getting out of tell you it's part of you, make you shameful or feel that you're undeserving of a relationship. you sound very centered and i'm sure you're ready to put yourself out there.

Another day in the bag  :)

I've become a clich? of enjoying my working week, then on the weekend, thinking, it's my time off, I want to do the easy thing and relax. I don't want to do the hard thing and get out of bed/ exercise/ do anything constructive. Yep, sounds totally dumb when I write it out. Last Saturday, I did the same thing, learned my lesson and had a great Sunday. This Sunday my activities and mood are rolling on from yesterday. it even made me want to relapse this morning.

Had some drinks last night, so didn't sleep great, and feeling rough this morning. I know drinking is not a good thing for us streakers, but I find it hard being with friends, and not sharing a glass of wine with them. At least I can say I don't do it often.

Well, the answer it right there, stop vegetating, start that morning routine, and start the day!
 
Mikel

Mikel

Active Member
Morning Gazz and great work in your recovery. Sounds like you're smashing it.

Totally hear you when it comes to feeling and thinking like a teenager. Sometimes the fantasies which have popped into my head seem so infantile they actually make me cringe. I suppose that's a good thing. I think with recovery it's also about growing up alongside getting well. We've dealt with certain situations with our life by pmo'ing so when that's taken away, we have to deal with them like proper adults.
 
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